


a thin line

by popnographic



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Blood and Violence, Con Artists, Domestic Violence, F/F, Getting Together, M/M, Prostitution, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-04-22 18:50:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 116,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14314944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/popnographic/pseuds/popnographic
Summary: Whenever Taichi goes to work, he puts his mask on, and pretends to be someone else for his entire shift. An empty husk calling itself Taichi scams people for a couple hours a day, only to return at night in hopes of being reunited with its soul, but Taichi lost his soul the second Ryuuhei had him in a firm grip. Taichi slowly forgets who he really is, as he constantly has to change who he is in order to appease whoever he’s with or whatever he’s doing. At work, he puts on one mask. On his way home to Ryuuhei, he puts on another. Never once does he reveal his true face again, and soon enough, it becomes a habit.*All he wants is to die. Anything but this. Anything but having to continue to endure this shit from Ryuuhei, every day, every week. How has he lasted this long, how hasn’t Ryuuhei killed him yet? Accident or not, sometimes Taichi thinks the violence brought upon him should’ve ended his life. Maybe that’s the point. Ryuuhei wants him to think he’ll die, but Taichi won’t die. He can’t run, he can’t escape, he can’t die.--This is the story of how an earthquake sets a man free by killing him.





	1. the shake-up

**Author's Note:**

> long time no see (at least longfic-wise)! this fic is a _little_ bit different from what i usually write, but i see it as a good thing. it's still a work in progress, but it's something i've been working on for so long that i now can't wait any longer to post the first chapter. updates will probably be pretty sporadic since all my life is these days is "work work work", but i try to fit in time to write whenever i can.
> 
> comments are, as always, much appreciated!

**SEPTEMBER 2011**.

 

Taichi didn’t think it was possible to watch himself die. In his nightmares, yes, but not like this. Not by seeing his name on a TV screen showing a list of victims after an earthquake. And yet here he is, in a shelter following said earthquake, and he’s seeing his own name on the TV screen that so many others are watching, probably to find out if someone they know is on that list.

 _They think I’m dead_.

Taichi panics, his heartrate speeding up. Everyone he knows is eventually going to find out that he ‘died’ in the earthquake, even though he didn’t actually die. What’s this ‘proof’ they claim to have that he’s dead? It’s a very bizarre thing to see and experience, and Taichi doesn’t know just what to do or say. There are people around him crying, someone sighs in relief when they realise they don’t know any of the people listed. But Taichi stands there, speechless. He shoves his hands down his pockets to see if at least his phone made it, but he makes the startling discovery that he’s got nothing on him. No phone, no wallet, not even his keys home, because all of those things are in Ryuuhei’s car.

 _That’s their proof_. Taichi’s world spins, and he finds a chair to sit down on before he passes out. All of his forms of identification and important belongings are in the car he abandoned following the crash that was caused by the earthquake. He’s been declared dead because there’s apparently no way he would’ve survived out there considering the severity of the earthquake. But the truth is that he _did_ survive, because he’d been quick to locate the nearest shelter before things got _really_ bad.

Taichi wasn’t the only one who’d acted quickly. Several others walked in relatively unharmed, but at least they’ve got their belongings with them; purses, wallets, phones. Probably even their house keys. Taichi knows he can’t return to his house, because that house is probably reduced to rubble at this point. He wonders where his mother is, where _anyone_ he knows might be. Since he doesn’t have a phone, he has no way of contacting people to see if they’re alive.

“ _… lines are down, and it will take several days to restore them. In the meantime, people are advised to…_ ”

Taichi overhears the woman on the news, and he lets out a _huh_. Well, there goes his hope of maybe being able to borrow someone’s phone to call people he knows. He slowly realises that he’ll probably have to stick around this shelter for at least another day before he can get moving again, get back on the road. Since he no longer has a car, it seems like he’s going to have to resort to walking. He isn’t _too_ far away from his house, so he could make it back there as soon as things are safe. Maybe sort through the rubble to find the most necessary things, like money and such.

For once, his injuries don’t raise suspicion or worry, because they’ve suddenly become _common_. The earthquake left many injured, definitely many dead, and while the majority of Taichi’s injuries weren’t caused by said earthquake, at least people will _think_ they were, and he won’t have to explain himself. Too bad, because this might’ve been the best time to report Ryuuhei, but Taichi decides to let it go. Hopefully, this is the last time.

Taichi stays the night, but as soon as the coast is clear, he leaves the shelter behind, slipping out before they can take his name at the door. He doesn’t need the drama that would definitely ensue should they realise his name was on the list of dead people following the natural disaster the day before… well, that is if they actually memorised it. But he can’t be too careful.

Now that he’s officially dead, walking the streets Sendai feels… weird. There are people walking about, just like him, some cars that were either completely or mostly unharmed by the earthquake. People are trying to go back to their regular lives, but considering the damage seemingly every single building took, it’s going to take quite a while before you can’t see that an earthquake nearly destroyed Sendai.

Taichi stops in his tracks, and his eyes widen in realisation. He’s been declared dead, he’s no longer registered as a living being. _People think he’s dead_. This… isn’t cause for panic. It’s a chance for him to start over. It’s a chance for him to get away from the life he’s always hated living, and to create himself a new life he’ll _love_ living, or at least find acceptable. It’s a chance for him to get away from his parents, from Sendai, from Ryuuhei, from _everything_.

The realisation that he’s been set free by the authorities, unbeknownst to them, makes Taichi fall to his knees, and he cries. He doesn’t remember the last time he cried; in fact, it may have been when he was still a child. Not even when he turned his back on his mother did Taichi cry. Not even when Ryuuhei first hit him did he cry. But now, at the age of twenty-five, Taichi cries for the first time in forever, and he doesn’t hold back despite how unfamiliar it feels.

 

* * *

 

 **MAY 2009**.

 

Whenever Taichi goes to work, he puts his mask on, and pretends to be someone else for his entire shift. An empty husk calling itself Taichi scams people for a couple hours a day, only to return at night in hopes of being reunited with its soul, but Taichi lost his soul the second Ryuuhei had him in a firm grip. Taichi slowly forgets who he really is, as he constantly has to change who he is in order to appease whoever he’s with or whatever he’s doing. At work, he puts on one mask. On his way home to Ryuuhei, he puts on another. Never once does he reveal his true face again, and soon enough, it becomes a habit.

In the beginning, he’d found it hard not to tell people he’s not a real psychic, that this is all just a way for him to get money from people who are easily tricked. But as time went on, and the more customers he actually got, Taichi learnt to just… work. Do what he’s poorly paid to do, and be happy Ryuuhei doesn’t sell him on the streets.

Taichi doesn’t really have a particular customer base, because it all greatly varies. Men, women, teenagers, elderly people, businessmen, the occasional prostitute who hopes for a light at the end of their tunnel. Taichi can provide them with a light, sure, but that’s not to say it’ll be at the _end_ of their tunnel. It’s probably a really long one, and he just happens to offer the light halfway through. At least that’s an incentive for people to keep going, but he still doesn’t think it’s right.

“What brings you here today?” he asks while using his shirt to polish his glasses. The girl sitting in front of him uncrosses her legs and relaxes her shoulders with an exhale. _She must be freezing in those clothes_ , he thinks, as he always does whenever they come in to see him.

The holes in her fishnet stockings are so big she might as well have gone without them, but Taichi knows she, and so many other girls, wear them because it apparently turns gross old men on. Taichi just thinks it’s sad. It’s sad, but also disgusting that a man thinks he can dictate what a woman or a girl wears when she goes out to earn _his_ money.

Prostitutes are the hardest to scam, because Taichi knows that the money they pay him with isn’t their own money; like Taichi, they earn money for someone else. And yet they still take the risk in paying Taichi to get scammed, they take the risk knowing full well that if their pimp finds out, they might end up in body bags without nametags.

“I’m… kind of desperate at this point,” the girl admits, laughing briefly without a shred of humour. “I’m gonna be honest with you—I don’t believe in psychics.”

Taichi raises his eyebrow, surprised by her statement that contradicts her sitting across from him right now. “So why are you here?”

“That’s just how desperate I am,” she sighs. “I’ve heard you’re really good. Accurate, and scarily so. So I thought, maybe you could actually help me.”

She’s young, but probably has years of experience in the business that forced her to grow up faster than she should’ve ever had to. Taichi knows she’s hiding dark rings under her eyes under that layer of foundation, that she, too, has to wear a mask. So many of the people he knows has to do the same thing, so they won’t get in trouble with the people who own them.

“Okay,” he says, and then he lowers his eyebrows again, almost frowning. “This is about your brother.”

“Yes,” the girl almost whispers. “He… died last week. They shot him.”

The man, Teshima Youhei, had been shot by the local police following a drug raid that probably went very well for the police, who managed to kill the kingpin, but also one of his subordinates, this girl’s brother. Taichi heard about it, as he always does, from one of his friends downtown. What doesn’t make newspapers can still be found out if you know who to talk to, and Taichi knows plenty of people he can talk to in order to get information. Sometimes, information comes to him regardless of him having asked for it or not.

“I can still sense him; Youhei is still close to you. He hasn’t moved on yet—he regrets not having been able to say goodbye to you first.”

The girl tears up, and her lower lip quivers, but she bites down on it to stop herself from crying. “Did he suffer?”

They rarely do; police at least have the skill and decency to not have people suffer when being shot. One or two shots to the head, in the chest—anything that’ll make it quick and easy for the police to just move on and continue to their next job.

“No. He says it felt like falling asleep.”

This time, she cries, and Taichi swallows hard. “Thank you. I’m… going to get out of this mess. For his sake. I know he doesn’t want me to end up the same way.”

He nods. The girl’s road to freedom is a long one, and Taichi has learnt by now to not hope too much for these girls and women working in prostitution. Even if what they’re doing is legal, most of them get into it on their own because they don’t have any other choice. This girl doesn’t _have_ another choice—she’s just desperate. And desperation rarely leads to good things, especially when it’s fuelled by sorrow or anger.

Taichi isn’t a psychic. All he does is read people’s body language, their gestures, observes them as they start talking to him. He talks to people around him, hears about kidnappings, killings, all sorts of things that happen to the underground people of Sendai—and then he connects those things to the person sitting across from him talking about someone who died a rather gruesome death as a result of their job, or someone who went missing following a police raid to a building. It really isn’t that difficult, and most of the time, he doesn’t understand how people think psychics are a thing, and that this is a ‘talent’ of his.

At the end of his day, Taichi goes back home. He doesn’t even flinch when he walks in to see Ryuuhei waiting for him on the living room couch.

“So?” Ryuuhei demands. “I hope you made enough to compensate for yesterday.”

Taichi resists flipping him off. “I did.”

Ryuuhei gets off the couch, and Taichi hands him the cash he’d earned that day. Weighing the wad of notes in his hand, Ryuuhei’s other hand then flies up to hit Taichi on the side of the head. The force sends him flying into the wall with a thud, but as he’s learnt over the years, Taichi doesn’t make a sound despite the blooming pain in the side of his head. His glasses end up on the floor next to him, but Taichi doesn’t pick them up just yet.

“How about that,” Ryuuhei says. “You _can_ do it if you try hard enough.”

 

* * *

 

 **DECEMBER 2011**.

 

Taichi hates crowds, but he knows that a lot of people in one spot is better than the opposite. The best thing is always to blend in, to not stick out. It’s a good thing he lives in a big city like Sendai, because his looks would definitely stand out in smaller places, especially the multiple piercings and his shaved undercut (what can he say, it was all done during his angsty teens, and now he’s too lazy to come up with a new style). The coat he wears is a hand-me-down from his dad, one he went back to the house back in September to get, among other things.

He went back to the house to get some of his belongings, but Taichi knows better than to return to his crashed car. The police have been there, they’ve obviously found enough evidence to declare him dead, and there’s a high possibility they’re still around the area should something come up that may clear the confusion surrounding his supposed death. Taichi just wonders how the hell they could decide to declare him dead if there wasn’t even a body at the scene, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t grateful for a chance given to him for god knows what reason.

A tall man bumps into him, hissing a string of cuss words at him rather than apologise, and instead, Taichi does the apologising as he pushes his glasses back up on the bridge of his nose. The man glares at him, and then continues walking, muttering to himself as he disappears in the opposite direction. All Taichi does is smile and shake his head, before he continues walking.

Before turning the street corner, Taichi stops, and fishes out the wallet he took from the oblivious man who bumped into him. He’s long lost in the crowd, but Taichi won’t stick around, anyway. In the fancy leather wallet Taichi would’ve loved to keep for himself, he finds a sizeable bunch of crisp notes, as well as a few cards. This man had a cash payment to make, that much is obvious. Taichi snorts to himself as he discards the wallet in a nearby rubbish bin. Maybe this is his lucky day.

The street address he got scribbled down on a little piece of paper is one he knows well, but the building isn’t. The man he’s meeting has the most ridiculous name Taichi has ever heard, and that’s how he knows it’s fake. Someone who apparently helped himself with his job… if only Taichi had such a job for himself. Well, now might be the best opportunity he’s ever had to look for a job he actually _wants_.

But this comes first.

The guy he’s about to meet is someone he’s only heard of from a prostitute in the western ward of Taihaku. Said guy, called Shigino, is apparently near-impossible to track down. He’s not in the system, his name isn’t on a single sheet of paper in all of Japan, and he’s been in the business for several years. Impressive, seeing as he’s Taichi’s age, and what he does is vastly different from what most other underground people do for a living. Taichi would argue it’s almost as risky as being in law enforcement.

He rings the intercom outside, and the voice that greets him is the most sing-song-y voice he’s ever heard, and it takes him by surprise. “ _Who’s here to see me?_ ”

“Taichi,” he says, but realises it might not be enough. Along with his inconspicuous exterior comes an equally ordinary last name. “Uehara Taichi.”

“ _Oh. Shizu-chan’s friend_ ,” the voice says. “ _Right. Come on up, second floor!_ ”

There’s a click as the door unlocks, and Taichi steps right in. The hallway is dim—people either can’t afford proper lighting or they don’t care to have any—but otherwise pretty neat for being located in a town that got hit pretty roughly by an earthquake just months ago. And considering this is the poorer part of Sendai, this guy’s doing really well for himself.

He raps his knuckles against the door labelled ‘Shigino’ twice, and upon being prompted, Taichi walks inside, closing the door after him. What greets him in an armchair at the end of the little office is a sight even more bizarre than the name and the voice belonging to the man he’s there to see. His hair is impossibly pink, reminds Taichi of strawberry bubblegum, and Taichi wonders if that’s part of this whole secret identity thing this guy has going on for himself. He wonders, because for once, he can’t tell, and maybe that’s a sign he really should get out of this mess.

“Uehara,” the man says. He gets up, and closes the distance to take Taichi’s right hand between both of his own. “It’s so nice to meet you. Heard a lot about you from Shizuka, and I’m impressed by what I’ve heard.”

Taichi regards him, wondering just what Shizuka told Shigino that made him so… curious. It’s almost a little creepy, but from what Taichi’s heard, he knows he can trust Shigino. “Hm.”

“Come on—sit down, no need to be shy. I started getting your documents together as soon as I got the case. You’re lucky, things start getting hectic for me again at the beginning of the year.”

Sitting down across from Shigino, Taichi looks around the little office he’s in. It’s as impersonal as he expected, the office belonging to a man who probably, or most definitely, moves around a lot. There’s a vase with various colourful flowers on the desk, though, but considering the greyness and emptiness of the rest of the room, they just make it feel a lot lonelier in there.

“You’ve got all of my stuff?”

Shigino clicks his tongue, but he’s smiling. “’Course I do! Wouldn’t have asked you to make your way across town if I didn’t. I like to have as few meetings with my clients as I can. If you know what I mean.”

He slides an envelope across the table, and when Taichi picks it up, he notices it’s pretty heavy; this guy is very thorough. Upon opening it and taking items out one by one, he finds a passport, a driver’s licence, a birth certificate… there’s a lot of papers that have the power to change his life. And the mere sight makes Taichi’s heart race.

“Well, go on, then,” Shigino says, and even he looks excited even though this is all his work. “Take a look.”

Before they met, Shigino had asked Taichi what he wanted his new name to be. The freedom to pick just about any name he wanted was almost too great, and it was a little intimidating. But Taichi took a lot of time in thinking, and landed on the name that’s now printed on all of his new forms of identification.

 _Nanase Haruka_.

He’d seen the surname printed in the newspaper, and the second kanji, ‘rapids’, instantly caught his eye, and he knew he’d want the surname for himself. ‘Haruka’ is a name he’s always wanted to have, ever since he was a child. He likes the sound of it when spoken, likes the single kanji signifying something ‘far away’. Now, more than ever, does it make sense. It’ll be a reminder to himself of what once was, and what he managed to get away from. Shigino Kisumi has bestowed a new life upon him after he died at the hands of the local authorities.

“Wow,” he says. “I’m… speechless. Thank you, Shigino. Really, this… this is all I could’ve ever asked for, and more.”

Shigino gives him a warm smile. “It’s what I do for a living. These kinds of moments are what makes it all worth it.”

Taichi wonders what made Shigino join this business to begin with, but knows it isn’t his place to ask. Everyone has their own reasons, and some people won’t give you theirs even if you’re really close. Some people would rather just forget why they’re in their respective businesses. Shigino could be either of those, or something entirely different.

Not a lot of people around Sendai know who Shigino is; hell, even Taichi didn’t know about him, and he knows about a lot of people around these parts of town, knows what they do for a living, and in some cases, he even knows where they live. But it’s probably a given Shigino isn’t well-known even for the underground people, because what he does is ten times worse than the drug dealers, scammers and prostitutes do. He falsifies documents that are normally handed out by government officials, and if he were to be found out, Taichi doesn’t want to think about what kind of punishment were to await Shigino.

“Now,” Shigino continues. “The most important thing is to remember your new name. Forget about Taichi—he doesn’t exist anymore. Or, you could say he’s your cousin, whatever. The point is, if you slip up and say your biological name when introducing yourself, it could create suspicion if you get real unlucky.”

Taichi, no— _Haruka_ —nods. “Got it, I’ve got no qualms about leaving Taichi behind in a ditch somewhere.”

Shigino laughs. “Right. I’ve also given you a bit of background to start off, so that people won’t be suspicious when you look for jobs; if they look you up and find nothing… well, I don’t even have to _tell_ you how that could turn out. It’s all in the papers I provided you with.”

There are a lot of rules to adhere to, now that Haruka’s been given a brand-new identity, and Shigino thoroughly explains them to him. Haruka now has to basically adapt a new personality: new mannerisms, speech patterns, clothing style, get rid of his glasses and get contacts instead. His piercings have to go, which is probably the most difficult thing for Haruka to get rid of since they've been a part of him for so long. His parents had disliked them a lot when he first got them, but after a while, even they got used to it. He knows it'll take a long time to get used to not having piercings practically all over his face and ears soon.

Shigino knows people who act as your reference when you look for jobs, seeing as there’s literally nothing attached to Haruka’s name at the moment. He’s already in the system, and all he’s got to do now is find a new place to live, far away from Sendai, and start his new life. In theory, it doesn't sound too difficult and like a pretty short list, but Haruka knows that the real work only starts from here on out. What Kisumi has given Haruka only lays the groundwork for what Haruka now has to continue building from.

Haruka fidgets once he realises they’re getting close to the end of their conversation. He has about half of the money he owes Shigino, and has heard he might have to work the rest off. How would that work, if Haruka’s now going to move away from Sendai, where Kisumi’s currently working?

“Shigino, I have to be honest with you,” he begins, and prepares for the worst. “I only have half of the money I owe you.”

Shigino looks at him with a look Haruka once again can’t read, and it makes him even more nervous. Maybe this is where Shigino pulls the rug out from under his feet, robs Haruka of the freedom he’d just been given.

“It’s fine, Haru,” Shigino says, surprisingly, leaning forward a little. Haruka finds himself liking the nickname Shigino gives him, not surprised but also relieved it didn’t take Shigino long to start using Haruka’s new name. “I always figure that’s a possibility, not because people can _scam_ me, but, well… I have to be honest with you, too. I was kind of hoping you’d say that, because that gives me an excuse to come with you. To finally get out of this place. Not until now have I had the resolve to leave, and you're giving me the opportunity.”

Haruka raises his eyebrows in confusion and surprise. “What?”

“I want to get out of this shit. So… I’m doing what you’re doing. I already prepared for it in giving myself this name, and everything that goes with a new identity like yours. I’ve just been waiting for the right opportunity to get out, and here it is.”

A wave of mixed emotions washes over Haruka before all that’s left is suspicion. “What do I have to do to pay off my debt to you, Shigino?”

Shigino reaches across the table, takes Haruka’s hand. He brings Haruka’s knuckles to his lips, and gives them a light kiss. “I’m sure I can figure something out. And please, call me Kisumi.”

Haruka snorts. “Why do I have a feeling you’d take advantage of that and take it literally?”

“Maybe you already know me better than I thought you did.”

Haruka feels certain Shigino won’t sell him on the streets or force him to do anything illegal in order to pay off his debt. Shigino’s expression and body language say that he’s tired, that he’s done with this, as much as Haruka’s done scamming people. And that’s a very strange, but welcome, feeling of what he assumes to be trust.

 

* * *

 

Days before Haruka and Kisumi leave Sendai behind to start their new lives, Haruka decides to visit the grave that was erected in his biological name. Kisumi had originally been against the idea, saying it would be too risky should Haruka be found out, but after a bit of convincing and proof that Haruka’s disguise wouldn’t give him away, Kisumi agreed, and went with Haruka to the graveyard where they locate Uehara Taichi’s headstone.

The temporary hair-dye itches, but Haruka has to resist scratching his head all the time. He’s not wearing his glasses anymore, but instead has prescription lenses. The ones he’s currently wearing are regular green colour lenses to hide his eyes’ regular, blue colour. Kisumi, on the other hand, has opted to just wear a cap. Since he doesn’t move around in public a lot to begin with, he says he’s going to be safe, especially since they won’t be out too long.

This is just for Haruka to get closure, so he can properly move on.

He stares down at the headstone engraved with his biological name, and Haruka feels a wave of disgust and anger wash over him. He takes a deep breath, and closes his eyes for a second, willing away the memories he can now leave far, far behind.

“Did they have to write all that?” he asks with contempt dripping from his voice, cocking his head in the direction of the stone slab in front of them. Kisumi shrugs.

“They’re just going off your family, knowing you had a mother and a father, and stating something so it won’t look so empty below the name, as if you were alone all your life.”

Haruka snorts. “I was, though. For a lot of it, at least.”

“I know,” Kisumi says. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. That’s in the past now, anyway. Right?”

He’s gotten what he came here for; Haruka has no reason to stay. He doesn’t feel a single shred of remorse leaving Sendai behind—it’s been nothing but a series of shitty experiences that left a bitter aftertaste, and the friends he had there were people he met through the job Ryuuhei forced him into. On the outside, Sendai is beautiful, and as a tourist, Haruka wouldn’t mind going there.

But as someone who spent his entire life there as Uehara Taichi, Nanase Haruka is looking forward to leaving it behind him for good.

“Hey,” he says, a little hesitantly, as he and Kisumi walk back to Kisumi’s office. “This… is gonna sound a little weird, but is there a way for us to move without using… uh, a car?”

Kisumi looks at him from the side for a second, and then turns his gaze ahead of him again. “Sure there is. Ever heard of travelling by plane?”

“Ha. Can we do that, though?”

“Why not? I mean, assuming you don’t have too many belongings… though we could get those shipped, too. Yeah, we can do that. Would you prefer to move by plane?”

Haruka doesn’t want to tell that entire story, at least not now, and he’s glad Kisumi doesn’t want the reason for his strange request. The memory of him crashing Ryuuhei’s car will probably never leave him, and he’s sure it’ll take a long time before he ever dares sitting in a car again, even if he wouldn’t be the one driving.

So, Haruka quietly sighs in relief, knowing he doesn’t have to confront his fear so soon. “Yes, very much so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that the 2011 Tohoku earthquake hit in March of that year, but at the time of writing, I had forgotten what month it was, which is why it occurs in September in this fic. Small details, perhaps, but noteworthy nonetheless.


	2. there's a first time for everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taichi witnesses something he won't soon (or ever) forget. Haruka and Kisumi start making their new Iwatobi house into a home.

**FEBRUARY 2010**.

 

He can’t say why, but Taichi has a bad feeling about something when going into work that morning. He doesn’t even know what he has a bad feeling _about_ , but something makes him feel unsettled, almost on edge. Of course, Taichi can’t let that show when he’s got clients; _they’re_ the ones with real worries. Taichi’s only worry spells his mother’s name, but that’s the only case in which he can’t use his contacts to get information, where he can’t come up with a lie that somehow always seems to work on his clients. It’s like that thing people say about how you can’t tickle yourself.

Well, Taichi _could_ use his contacts, see if they’ve heard anything of an irresponsible mother who left her kid behind to earn money for herself and live a life where she doesn’t have to be someone’s mother, where she doesn’t have a kid. He could find out, but Taichi doesn’t want to. He’s just considering himself really lucky his mother hasn’t shown up around where he or the girls work—that means her way of making a living is more honest than theirs is.

Ryuuhei barely contacts Taichi during the day to see how things are going. He used to, but that was only in the beginning when Taichi was still learning his way around, getting warm in his fake psychic clothes. Now, Ryuuhei takes for granted that Taichi does a good job and brings in the money of which he takes the bigger cut. Back when he worked at the restaurant, Taichi could’ve afforded to complain about his pay, since all it would cost him was his job, but if he dared to complain now, it would cost him a whole lot more than just his fake psychic job.

“Taichi. Hey, Taichi. Are you busy?”

Lost in his own thoughts, Taichi doesn’t notice Shizuka at first. But he finally notices her after a while, and turns his attention to her.

“Sorry. No, I’m free right now. What’s up?”

Shizuka leans against the brick wall Taichi’s sitting next to. “Some girl went missing again, now in Wakabayashi. You might be hearing more about this soon.”

Taichi frowns. In his field, more work is only good in the sense that it brings in more money, but it also means more stuff like this happens around the country. “Sold?”

“Probably. I heard it from Minako earlier, but I don’t know who she is. Or was.”

“Don’t talk like that, Shizu.”

Shizuka sighs. “I know, I know. It’s just… you get used to that, you know? Hearing how so many of them died, either by their own hands or someone else’s. It’s almost standard now.”

“Maybe so, but there’s been many of them that made it out alive,” Taichi argues.

He doesn’t want to think negatively, though he occasionally does. Someone once told him to always expect the worst since he can’t be negatively surprised that way, but a big part of Taichi still tells him not to think of the worst-case scenario every time just in case it actually happens. He only has himself to blame whenever he tries being optimistic and it fails.

“That’s true. Well, in either case. She’s fifteen, has family in Aoba—both parents and a brother.” Shizuka stops, shakes her head. Taichi knows she isn’t as jaded as she tries to come off; this stuff affects her a lot, too. “She’s only fifteen, Taichi.”

Taichi swallows hard. “Yeah.”

“Well, that’s about as much as I’ve heard. If I hear something else, I’ll let you know. Unless someone contacts you beforehand, that is.”

“I’ll figure something out in that case.”

Shizuka smiles bitterly. “You always do.”

It’s a rather slow day; not a lot happens, and Taichi spends a lot of time just walking around, talking to people he knows who pass by. Occasionally, there’ll be someone walking up to him wanting to take advantage of his services, and Taichi gets back to work. That day, it doesn’t happen more than three times. Three sessions mean less money, and less money means an angry Ryuuhei waiting at home, unsatisfied with Taichi’s efforts.

At the end of his day, he packs up, and starts heading back home. Whenever it’s been a slow day, Taichi takes his time walking home. It’s such an obvious pattern that he _knows_ Ryuuhei has figured out, though it has yet to be mentioned. Taichi takes the route through the busy shopping streets, allowing himself to dream about buying stuff he sees in store windows. He buys groceries, gets himself something to eat on the way home, and then continues walking back to the house.

When he’d first moved to this part of Sendai, Taichi had been nearly scared to death of walking through the narrow alleyways not too far from his and Ryuuhei’s house. Odd people were always lurking in the shadows, doing things that Taichi had never seen anyone do outside of film and television. Now, it’s become so commonplace that he doesn’t even react to the guy sitting against a wall shooting up. He’s scrawny, probably hasn’t eaten in days, has dark circles under his eyes, and his clothes have probably been on him for well over a week straight.

What is supposed to be a horrifying and sad sight is something that Taichi no longer reacts to, nor does he even attempt to interact with the guy, because he knows it’s pointless. Offer a guy food, and he’ll demand more, whipping out a gun you didn’t see him hiding. Offer a guy help, and he’ll think you’re a cop. Ignore him, and save your own life but probably waste his.

It isn’t until Taichi hears the sound of someone sobbing and choking that he reacts. This time, it _is_ someone wanting—and needing—help, he knows it without even seeing the person in front of him. Taichi speeds up his walk, and turns the corner to enter the next alleyway. What he sees makes Taichi stop in his tracks, makes the blood freeze in his veins.

“He-help,” a girl wheezes as soon as she sees him. She’s covering her neck with her shirt and hands, the latter which are shaking. Blood is dripping down her fingers, arms, and down onto the ground beneath her. She’s crying, sobbing, and choking on her own blood, which she spits out, and very quickly drains her body of.

Taichi stays frozen for only a moment, but then his body and mind finally cooperate, and he rushes to the girl’s side. He takes his jacket off to help apply more pressure to the girl’s stab wound, and to slow what is probably her dying process. Even so, Taichi takes his phone out to call for an ambulance. He doesn’t think, he just acts.

“Don-don’t c-call them,” she sobs. “They… they ca-can’t help me.”

“Yes they can.”

“I’m a whore,” she says. “Th-they don’t h-help whores.”

Taichi finally gets a hold of someone on the phone, and almost yells at them to send an ambulance to where he and the girl is. He puts his free hand behind the girl’s head, and she closes her eyes.

“Stay awake,” he says. “Hey, look at me.”

“It’s useless. I’m… the one to blame. I… I should’ve j-just done what h-he wanted.”

It feels like time is standing still; they’re in an area where people just don’t come by very often since the ‘good’ people know to stay away, and the ‘bad’ ones have better places to be. If only _someone_ could come and help, maybe this girl could be saved. And even though Taichi called the ambulance, he knows she’s done for. All because she dared say no to a man who paid her for sex.

“You can’t blame yourself for this. You hear me? The asshole who did this is the one at fault here.”

The girl laughs weakly. “You’re probably th-the only one who would say that. Th… thanks.”

She coughs up more blood, and then she closes her eyes again. Taichi gently shakes her from side to side to keep her awake, but all she does is shake her head.

“Let me go. It’s… it’s too late.”

Taichi opens his mouth to say something back, but in the instant that he does, he feels the life go out in the girl he holds in his arms. The girl whose name he never asked to know, whose life he just hopelessly tried to save while knowing it was impossible.

His hands and arms soaked in the blood of a girl he didn’t know, Taichi lays her down, and runs all the way back home.

It must be a miracle or something similar, because Ryuuhei for once does _not_ kick Taichi’s ass for underperforming at work when he comes home soaked in someone else’s blood and explains the reason behind it. It’s surprising to know that somewhere deep inside, Ryuuhei has a heart that sometimes works like the heart of a human should.

That night, and for many more nights to come, Taichi doesn’t sleep well.

 

* * *

 

 **MARCH 2012**.

 

“It’s so far away from everything.”

“It’s _quiet_. And nice,” Haruka argues. “And it’s probably good for both of us to not live close to the centre of town, anyway.”

Kisumi raises an eyebrow at Haruka by his side, but quickly relents. “Fine, you win. I’ve never actually lived this far away from... what I guess I’d call civilisation, but… you’re right. This is probably the best we could get, so we should take it.”

“See, I knew I’d win.”

“Psh, I _let_ you win,” Kisumi snorts. “I see growing out that undercut’s going smoothly, huh.”

Haruka glares at Kisumi by his side. “Shut up, I’m trying. At least I took all those piercings out.”

“And thank heavens for that. Honestly, the minute you stepped into my office, I thought I’d been tricked and that you were from the mafia to collect some debt I’d forgotten about.”

Now Haruka laughs instead. “I’ll be honest, I’m gonna miss it a little, that punk style.”

“I’m not. Good riddance.”

To be fair, it’s probably best that Haruka does leave it behind with Taichi and his past, because it probably doesn’t suit him now that he’s an adult and probably should look and dress like one. Sendai is also a lot different from Iwatobi when it comes to things like piercings and tattoos; Haruka has yet to find a person in Iwatobi who's as pierced as he was, or even someone who has  _half_ the piercings Taichi had. Tattoos are more difficult to spot since people still don't tend to get inked in places that are visible to the public eye. Taichi had at least had  _that_ in mind when he got himself inked years ago.

It’s finally spring, there’s no snow to be seen, and there are flowers starting to grow. Haruka sees great potential in growing some of his own plants in the back garden of the house they’re now about to sign a contract for; since he was young, Haruka’s dreamt of having his own garden where he can plant flowers and vegetables. Something he’s always been interested in is food, and everything surrounding it, including growing his own fruits and vegetables to _use_ in his cooking.

Even though they’re now out of their shady businesses, have changed their identities, and moved halfway across the country, Kisumi and Haruka are still being careful in starting their lives over as new people. Kisumi’s done this before, though Haruka doesn’t really know more than that, but it’s Haruka’s first time, so he’s making sure to follow Kisumi’s advice word by word. The last thing he needs is to either end up in jail after having done everything he could to come back to life after he was declared dead by mistake.

Haruka has systematically been taking small amounts of money from Ryuuhei over the years they spent together as compensation for the piss poor salary he got doing the fake psychic jobs—as well as saving it for the day he’d finally be able to get away from Ryuuhei—and up until now, Ryuuhei has yet to notice the money being gone. It’s no surprise, though; Ryuuhei made a lot of money both on Haruka, and on whatever job he got done elsewhere. He isn’t a man who would look between his fingers, so Haruka knows that if he would’ve been found out, he would either still feel the consequences from it, or he wouldn’t still be alive to tell the tale.

Despite once having loved the man, Haruka doesn’t grieve his separation from Ryuuhei. In the beginning, Ryuuhei had been just like any other man; loving, caring, generous, and he had a special sense of humour that Haruka appreciated. It didn’t take long for Ryuuhei to start showing signs of paranoia and jealousy, telling Haruka to do this and that, to _not_ do this and that, and before Haruka knew it, he’d become Ryuuhei’s slave. And then came the scamming jobs Ryuuhei forced upon him, among the other things that came with being one of Sendai’s underground people.

From the day that they sign the contract and pay the deposit, Haruka and Kisumi have a week until they can collect their keys and move in. Since Haruka came to Iwatobi from Sendai with clothes being his only packing, he only has one cardboard box to bring to the house. Kisumi _had_ a couch, a single bed and a few other things, but he decided to leave them in Sendai because ‘they belong to his past, even if it’s just furniture’.

“Hey, Kisumi,” Haruka whispers to Kisumi by his side. “What do we do about out money? It wasn’t obtained legally… is it okay for us to still have it?”

“We’ll be fine, don’t worry. As long as you’re not making too suspicious or large payments to the point where people might want to get your credit history, you’re good. Live a normal, honest life, and you’ll be able to keep the money to yourself with a clear conscience.”

Haruka _would_ keep it to himself with a clear conscience if he wasn’t worried about legal issues. Ryuuhei already stole enough money from him by taking a huge cut from Taichi’s earnings every day for years, so Haruka only sees the money he took back from Ryuuhei as delayed salaries from years of work. Hearing that he won’t get in trouble as long as he spends his money reasonably is a huge relief for Haruka.

“Even if we make big payments for furniture or a house?”

Kisumi shrugs. “Would you say those are suspicious purchases? We can always just say the money comes from savings. Everyone saves money somewhere, right? Old people stash money under their mattresses—don’t you find that _more_ suspicious than us buying furniture for our money?”

“Right,” Haruka replies. “Just making sure.”

Moving in is an easy task seeing as they don’t have anything heavy with them besides their suitcases. Haruka wonders if people who saw them would think something funny is up, but he quickly disregards the thought. Overthinking really doesn’t help his case; his biological name may have died, but there are still risks involved since the Nanase Haruka identity is still new, and no one in town knows him yet.

The two new cohabitants go shopping for things to fill the house with; a bed, kitchenware, a kotatsu per Haruka’s request, and everything else Kisumi tells Haruka they need to buy. Slowly but surely, the house starts feeling like a home, and the echo created by their footsteps or voices disappears as the space is filled up. It’s exciting, Haruka thinks, seeing the progress of it going from an empty house to a home, his home, _their_ home.

Haruka’s been looking forward to living in his own house for as long as he can remember, and now the day is finally here. It’s all thanks to Kisumi that he’s managed to completely change his life, from his name to his residential address, and even after Haruka’s paid Kisumi the rest of what he owes him for the papers, Haruka will still be indebted to Kisumi for the rest of his life, but in a completely different way.

Come April, they’ve properly moved in, and have finally started looking for jobs. _Real_ jobs.

 

* * *

 

 **APRIL-MAY**.

 

Haruka had originally intended on changing most everything about himself, and that included getting rid of his sweet tooth. But once he landed himself a job at a café downtown and found out he really liked not just eating but also baking sweets and pastries, Haruka gave in. Kisumi had told him that it wasn’t necessary for him to change _everything_ about himself, saying that it was okay to keep a few things like his sweet tooth, since they won’t be too revealing of his past, anyway.

He finishes his training at the café way before Kisumi does at the public relations office he’s gotten an internship at. As a result, Kisumi owes Haruka a dinner out thanks to a bet Kisumi himself had suggested as they had just started looking for jobs.

[ _talk about shooting yourself in the foot. figuratively_.]

[ _piss off_.]

 

Haruka smiles at Kisumi’s response, and he tucks his phone back into the pocket of his apron before he goes back into work after a short break. The rush is just about to begin, but thankfully, Haruka only has four hours left until he can go home for the day. Working between eight and four is perfect for him, as he doesn’t have to get up too early in the morning, and he gets back home at a decent time, too.

During his days as a fake psychic, Taichi worked irregular but long hours; on days when business was slow, Taichi would spend his time talking to his friends and contacts around town and in neighbouring wards to gather information he could use for work. It wasn’t difficult to know who to talk to, but what took time learning was knowing what people would be _willing_ to talk and give Taichi information on the happenings around not only Sendai, but Miyagi in general. People rarely came to him asking for help pertaining to a place further away than where they were, because no one outside of Miyagi knew who Taichi was. He always did his best to keep it that way in order to not attract too much attention from the wrong people.

At the end of his shift, Haruka takes his apron off, hangs it in his locker, and begins heading back home. The café is only a ten-minute walk away from the house, which saves him money on transport, and especially a car. Right now, and for the foreseeable future, Haruka doesn’t see himself needing a car, which is nice. Iwatobi is a relatively small town, and since it’s still very new to him, he has no plans of moving again anytime soon.

He comes back to the house to find a triumphant Kisumi waiting for him in the living room.

“At least I made it back home before you did,” Kisumi grins as he gets up from where he’s been sitting by the kotatsu. “They let me go earlier today, for a change.”

“Does that mean you aren’t living up to their expectations? I would be careful, if I were you.”

Kisumi narrows his eyes and shoots Haruka a sarcastic smile. “Funny. So how was your day?”

“It was okay, can’t complain,” Haruka shrugs. “Might get monotonous, but it sure beats what I did before this. How was _your_ day?”

“Never heard anything wiser. Eh, my day was about the same as they’ve all been so far. And will continue to be.”

“But you’re not complaining.”

“No,” Kisumi says, and his genuine smile says he isn’t lying.

He looks happier, too; the dark rings under his eyes have disappeared, he’s put on a little weight, and there’s light in his eyes. Haruka didn’t know Kisumi long before they moved to Iwatobi, but he didn’t really have to, to know that Kisumi’s past is one he probably doesn’t want to talk about nor remember. People in their situation tend to be that way, Haruka’s learnt, because otherwise they wouldn’t go so far as to change their entire identity and life in general.

There should normally be another option called the witness protection program, but Kisumi wouldn’t be here if that were the case. If he’d been _given_ a new identity to protect him from getting harmed, he wouldn’t be allowed to live wherever he wanted; there’d be a place appointed to him far away from whoever could be a threat to him. If anyone should be in the witness protection program, it’s Haruka, but the authorities ‘killed him’ before that had a chance of happening in the first place. So he can’t really complain, especially since Kisumi’s option was far better than he could’ve ever imagined otherwise.

Haruka freshens up, gets changed into casual clothing. His wardrobe is starting to look more and more colourful, and he likes the gradual change. There’s blue, red, yellow, purple and even a hint of orange seen as soon as Haruka opens his wardrobe, and he’s noticed that just the sight makes him feel a little happier. As cliché as it sounds even to himself, Haruka sees it as a metaphor that his life is finally getting better, and has become more colourful now that he has someone like Kisumi in his life.

“You about ready to go?”

When he feels two arms wrap around his shoulders, Haruka flinches, and jumps forward to get away. It takes him a second too long to realise it’s just Kisumi, and when it hits, he feels bad, and turns to face his friend.

“I’m sorry, Kis,” he says. “It… was a reflex.”

Kisumi shakes his head. “It’s fine, I really should’ve thought before I acted. I’m the one who should be sorry.”

It’s pointless arguing about whose fault it really is, so Haruka settles for both and leaves it at that without continuing further. He sighs, and steps closer; thankfully, Kisumi stays in place as he does, and he lets Haruka take his time in placing his arms around Kisumi’s shoulders himself, and pull him close.

The last person Haruka had been so physically close to was Ryuuhei, and the proximity was never a positive thing. He knows this will take time; Kisumi has told him so countless times already, and he also knows he’ll both take steps forwards and backwards while getting over everything that happened in his past. Leaving his past behind him sounds a whole lot easier than it actually is, and while he’s very impatient and eager to have it over with, Haruka forces himself to be patient. If Kisumi can be patient about it, then so can he.

“You know you don’t have to do this,” Kisumi almost whispers as they’re so close. “I don’t mind if you don’t want to.”

Haruka proves his point by moving even closer, now to the point where their noses touch. “I know, but I _do_ want to.”

‘It feels right’ are words he can’t quite express verbally, so Haruka chooses nonverbal communication instead, hoping that Kisumi understands him. He feels a little nervous but at the same time calm—he’s with Kisumi, a man who gave him freedom expecting nothing in return but the money Haruka has to pay for his documents, and Kisumi has over and over proven to him that he isn’t like Ryuuhei. Kisumi is as far away from him as he could be, and it’s a big relief for Haruka knowing that.

Kisumi’s smooth lips feel nice against Haruka’s, despite his being chapped and a lot less cared for. He’s trying to stop gnawing on his lips whenever he gets nervous or when he’s concentrating, and their kiss alone is enough to solidify Haruka’s determination.

He pulls Kisumi closer to himself, and feels happier than he’s been in several years.

 

* * *

 

Once they’ve gotten out of the house, Haruka and Kisumi start walking around the streets of downtown Iwatobi to look for a dinner restaurant. Haruka’s already decided that he’d go for the first place they’d see—provided it wasn’t a food stall or a shabby looking place—since neither of them have been to Iwatobi before to try any of the restaurants in town. Kisumi is apparently less picky about food than Haruka is, so thankfully, he’s okay with Haruka’s idea.

Being a seaside town, Iwatobi’s restaurants mainly serve seafood, which Haruka appreciates since he didn’t get to eat much fish or seafood in general growing up. Kisumi, on the other hand, is less enthusiastic, but he’s willing to adapt.

“You kind of _have_ to adapt, anyway,” he shrugs. “So… Iwatobi, huh.”

“Yeah.”

“I like it here so far. People are nice… they even say hello to you on the street even if you don’t know them.”

Haruka laughs a little. “I’ve heard that about smaller towns. I kind of like that aspect of it; it’s very different from Sendai.”

“ _Very_ ,” Kisumi emphasises. “I don’t miss it one bit.”

And neither does Haruka. They haven’t been out of Sendai very long, but considering how Haruka felt living there all his life, he’s sure he won’t ever start to miss living there. It’s full of bad memories and experiences, and even if Sendai had its good things objectively, Haruka’s experiences alone change the way he sees everything in the town he grew up.

Following dinner, as a way to round up their evening, Haruka and Kisumi take a walk along the beach. The sun is setting, casting a golden glow on the town of Iwatobi, and the sight is breath-taking. Haruka lets his eyes wander over the beach shops, over people still out on the beach enjoying the last few hours of sunshine, he watches people on the move either by bicycle, by car, or on foot. The life people live in Iwatobi is radically different from what Haruka’s been used to, but for once, he doesn’t find the change, however drastic, intimidating.

“This is such a beautiful place,” he says, mostly to himself, but Kisumi hums next to him.

“It is.”

Haruka looks over to see Kisumi’s eyes closed as he lets the last rays of sunshine warm his face. He turns his gaze out towards the ocean again, watches the waves come into shore, only to go back out again, and repeat. Aside from the sound of the waves, the town has gone mostly silent. It’s another one of those big differences between Sendai and Iwatobi that Haruka really appreciates; that after a certain time, things can actually go quiet, apart from Sendai, where there’s almost always something going on. Haruka’s only ever heard of what Tokyo’s like, and from what he’s heard, he’s not too keen on going there anytime soon.

They come back to the house after sundown, their feet still covered in sand from walking barefoot on the beach, and they both smell like the ocean. Kisumi claims the bathroom before Haruka has the time to react, but he isn’t in a hurry to shower, anyway. He sits on the back porch instead, dusting off his feet. The sound of the town spreading out in front of him down the hill their house is located upon is almost calming enough to put Haruka right to sleep, and it’s a shame he can’t let that happen, since he still has to take a shower.

On second thought, a bath sounds far better right now.

“Hey,” he hears behind him after a while. “Bathroom’s free.”

Haruka gets up, stretching his upper body, and he returns back into the house after Kisumi, who continues upstairs while he heads into the bathroom.


	3. birds and barbed wire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruka tells Kisumi the story of how he ended up in Kisumi's Sendai office, and he starts meeting some new people around town.

**JUNE 2006**.

 

When Taichi’s father dies following a heart-attack, his and his mother’s lives are turned upside down. They’re forced to move out of the house since it’s too expensive for Sumire to keep paying the rent with her current salary, and at the same time provide for both herself and her son. Instead, they move into an apartment in Koyodai; it’s not very big, but it fits the two of them, even as Taichi’s now technically an adult.

In April, Taichi graduated university, and in May, his father died. Bitterly, he thinks to himself that he’s at least glad his father got to see him graduate before working himself to death. At the same time, Taichi can’t blame his father, regardless of what relationship they had in the end. The Uehara family was never well off in terms of money, so Tooru had no other choice but to work as much as he did so they could survive and keep their heads above the surface.

Because of his parents working practically all the time, Taichi spent a lot of time with his grandmother growing up. But then she passed away, too, and Taichi was left alone. His relationship with his parents became more strained as time passed, and by the time Tooru passed away, Taichi barely felt a thing. A man who was supposed to be Taichi’s father just passed away, and Taichi felt about it as much as he does when he reads about a stranger’s death in the newspaper.

But Taichi makes a new attempt at getting closer to his mother, now that they’ve moved into their new apartment in Shizuoka. New surroundings, new beginnings… or so he can at least _try_ to tell himself. A little optimism can’t hurt, even now.

Despite Sumire’s protests, Taichi gets a job outside of his field, choosing not to utilise his degree in art, and instead working as a waiter at a restaurant in town. It isn’t the best job, but it’s a job nonetheless, and that’s all that matters. For now, he can help his mother in making money and ensuring they can live a comfortable life even without Tooru in their lives. It feels good to help around the house, Taichi realises, and that’s not counting chores. The first time he chips in for half the rent, it hits him that he’s really become an adult now. Graduation didn’t make him an adult, but his father dying and him having to help support himself and his mother did.

And suddenly growing up didn’t feel as fun as he’d imagined it as a child.

“I know you don’t think so, and that you won’t believe me,” Sumire says to him one evening before they say goodnight. “But Tooru was proud of you, and I know he’d be proud of you now, too, seeing what you’ve become in such a short time.”

The words make him feel warm inside, but Taichi guesses it’s because it’s _her_ words. They may not be close like other sons and their mothers are, but they’ve definitely gotten closer after everything that’s happened. Now that things are going in the right direction, Taichi wants to hold on to it, and treasure what he has. He has a somewhat stable job, he still has his mother, and they’ve managed to start a new life in a new place.

“I hope so,” he says, half-lying. “Thanks.”

 

* * *

 

 **SEPTEMBER 2012**.

 

Many nights, Haruka doesn’t sleep well. He has nightmares, frequently dreaming of Ryuuhei finding and catching him. And even though he’s moved in with Kisumi now, the nightmares have yet to cease, and he feels bad for dragging Kisumi into his mess more than he already has done so far.

When Haruka wakes one night, covered in sweat and heavily breathing, his first instinct when Kisumi tries to calm him down is to fight. He swats away Kisumi’s hands from himself, kicks himself away as far as he can, and ends up falling down from the bed onto the floor.

“Shit,” Kisumi whispers loudly. “Haru… are you okay?”

Haruka takes a few seconds to reassess the situation, to calm down. He sighs, looking up at Kisumi. “Yeah. Sorry, Kisumi.”

Kisumi shakes his head. “It’s fine, I promise. This… tends to happen to a lot of people.”

“That doesn’t mean it’s okay,” Haruka says before he gets up from the floor to crawl in under the covers again. “I’m tired of this happening so often, of me not being able to leave shit behind.”

“I know. I’m not gonna lie, it might not be that easy, but I hope I can at least make it _easier_ for you to leave your past behind you—if not for good, then at least for the most part.”

The thing is, Kisumi already _has_ helped immensely with making things easier, first of all by existing and having had that job he had in Sendai that allowed Haruka to obtain freedom. Ever since, Kisumi has done nothing but be supportive and understanding despite the lack of information he had on _why_ Uehara Taichi ended up in his office and took him to Iwatobi. Some of it was part of Kisumi’s job back then, but most of it was still done by Kisumi because he’s deep down a very caring person. He may not _want_ to be for various reasons that Haruka doesn’t know, but he still is.

“I never told you why I ended up in your office, did I?”

Kisumi shifts a little. “You told me what I needed to know, but I didn’t pry further. And back then, you and I didn’t know each other well, so I didn’t have the right to.”

“But we know each other better now,” Haruka says. It's the first time he retells the story of how he met Ryuuhei and how things went until the day Taichi died to someone who didn't know anything of it, and it feels strange. Shizuka only met Taichi through Ryuuhei, so she didn't know what Taichi was like before they met. The only one who'll know at least most of Taichi's life story is Kisumi, and Haruka is more than okay with that.

“You're right, we do,” Kisumi says. Haruka breathes slowly, preparing himself for the mental images that'll supply themselves without his content while he tells Kisumi his story.

“I… had a boyfriend back in Sendai. His name was Ryuuhei, and the first time we met, I thought I could use him to get money, since he definitely had a lot to spare. It turns out I wasn’t the only one with ulterior motives, because even if he was being nice in the beginning… things changed. Obviously.”

“Haru, you don’t have to tell me all this if it’s too painful to remember.”

“No, I want to. I think… it helps to talk about it, too. Since I haven’t done that before.”

Kisumi exhales slowly, his chest sinking. “Okay.”

“When I went to work, people noticed my injuries I got from Ryuuhei, and I always had to come up with an excuse for them. I told people that tripped down the stairs, I fell, I walked into a door… I don’t know of an excuse I haven’t used that told people it was my fault, that _I_ was the reason I got hurt.”

“It _wasn’t_ your fault, Haru.”

He sighs, choosing not to tell Kisumi that he doesn’t believe him. In Haruka’s own opinion, it _is_ his fault that he ended up there, because he should’ve known better than to hop in bed with a man whom he knew absolutely nothing about in hopes that he could be in control of the situation. Who was he kidding? How on earth would he be able to overtake a man like Ryuuhei, even _before_ he knew what Ryuuhei was truly like?

“I got used to lying about my injuries, and people got used to pretending to believe me. It was pathetic.”

Kisumi narrows his eyes, and his jaw tightens. “You know, if I hadn’t been in Sendai myself and seen what people were like, I would ask how the fuck people could just let that happen to you.”

“I know,” Haruka says. “I was using his car when the earthquake hit, and I drove off the road as a result. Then when I came to, I just… left the car, just like that. I forgot that I had basically everything important to me in there: my driver’s licence, passport, keys, wallet… I just got out of there because it was the first thing I thought of doing.”

“So that’s why they thought you were dead?”

“I guess so. I don’t know how, but the next day, I was in a shelter, and I saw my name on a list of deceased people.”

Even now when Haruka thinks back on it, the feeling of surrealism is there, very much tangible. Seeing his own name on a list of deceased when he was in fact very much alive… it made him feel like he was dreaming. And in a way, it _was_ a dream, because it created an opportunity for Haruka, for _Taichi_ , that he could’ve never even dreamed of in the first place.

“Did you see his name on that list, too?”

Haruka’s about to answer when his words get stuck in his throat. He doesn’t remember seeing Ryuuhei’s name on the list of deceased, and he’d been looking through it thoroughly, too—making sure he didn’t know anyone on there. And he didn’t.

“No,” he says slowly. “God. He’s still out there.”

Panic bubbles up within Haruka, but before it manages to fully bloom, Kisumi tightens his embrace. It's almost as if he knows, but it wouldn't surprise Haruka if that were the case. Kisumi's backstory is to him still very much a mystery, but he knows he can't rule out any possibilities yet, sadly. There's a reason why Kisumi ended up where he was in Sendai, and the reason why he left with Haruka to Iwatobi might be related to it. Haruka assumes that Kisumi will either tell him his story in time when Kisumi _wants_ to tell him, or maybe he’ll just never find out. Kisumi doesn’t owe Haruka his story, so Haruka doesn’t press for it, neither does he expect to ever hear it.

“Haru, you’re safe now, remember? You’re in Iwatobi, you have a new identity, you’re in the system as _Haru_ now, not Taichi. Taichi is dead. Ryuuhei most definitely knows that Taichi died in the earthquake, in his car.”

Those last few words strangely enough make Haruka laugh, and he shakes his head. “If he ever _were_ to find me, I’m sure he’d kick my ass for totalling his car.”

But Kisumi doesn’t seem to see the humour in the situation, as he doesn’t change his tone of voice. “I’m so sorry for what you went through,” he says. “I know many people can say they know how that feels and they actually can’t, but… I can. And I’m glad you made it out of that.”

“Yeah,” Haruka replies, and he closes his eyes. “Me too.”

 An arm snakes around his shoulders, gently pulling him close, and Haruka leans his head against Kisumi’s chest. “This’ll all pass, I promise. It just takes time to get used to all this, but… you’re in Tottori now, and if he’s still in Sendai, that’s far away. He probably wouldn’t even _consider_ this place.”

Haruka can’t help but snort at that. “Key word is ‘probably’.”

“You have to admit it’s a very small probability, Haru. Why Iwatobi, of all places? Why not Tokyo? Kyoto? Sapporo? Miyazaki? There are so many other places he could go looking for you in, why do you think he’d choose Iwatobi?”

He shrugs. “He’s bound to come here someday.”

But in all honesty, Haruka doesn’t think Ryuuhei would think to come looking for Haruka in Tottori, of all places. Correction, Ryuuhei wouldn’t think to look for _Taichi_ there. Officially, Uehara Taichi is dead, and has been for a year now. Ryuuhei has most definitely read the news, gone looking for Taichi, gotten the news that Taichi is dead. Would he still go out to look for a dead man? Haruka has no idea. All his life, Haruka has lived by the ‘you can never be too sure’ rule, and he still lives by it to this day.

Every day since he moved to Iwatobi, Haruka has continued to be careful just in case he’d run into someone from his old life, but especially being careful of bumping into Ryuuhei. Anyone else and he’d probably be able to at least fake confusion and try to keep calm while explaining to them that they’re mistaken—he does have a new ID and passport, now, so there’s also that to help his case. But if he were to run into Ryuuhei, Haruka isn’t too sure he’d be able to keep up the poker face no matter how hard he tried. And Ryuuhei hadn’t gotten to where he was in life the last time Haruka saw him just by using brute force and threats. He’s smart, and he’d probably be able to figure out a thing or two.

“If he even _is_ looking for you,” Kisumi points out. “Taichi died in the earthquake, remember? Ryuuhei must’ve read it in the news like I’m sure everyone else did. What makes you think he’d call it bogus? So many others died, too.”

“But many people lived, Kis—you and I are proof of that. I’m just saying it’s very much possible he could go looking for me since he doesn’t have anyone else. He’s got nothing to lose now.”

“Still a longshot,” Kisumi says. “I know you can’t be too careful, but at the same time, you’ve changed your whole identity and appearance, and you’ve moved halfway across the country. The risk is below minimal, Haru.”

Haruka lets out a frustrated sigh through his nose. Before Kisumi has a chance to react, Haruka climbs on top of him, looking right into Kisumi’s eyes as Haruka pins him down. “Like this, I still look like Taichi. Right?”

He’s no longer wearing glasses like Taichi did, nor is his hairstyle the same as he now keeps his hair longer, almost to the point where his bangs obscure his blue eyes. But up close like this, Kisumi will definitely see Taichi, and not Haruka, since Kisumi is the only one who has seen and interacted with 'both'. Even people who  _haven't_ wouldn't be able to tell them apart, Haruka's sure. People change over time, and that's only natural. So, of course Haruka, or Taichi, could do the same.

“To me, you look like Haruka,” Kisumi says, brushing away the hair that nearly falls down into Haruka’s eyes. “You act, speak and look like him, and to be honest with you, I would easily guess Taichi was your cousin. The guy who walked into my office was a stone-cold guy with piercings all over his ears sporting an undercut, wearing shabby clothing. That's not who you are, Haru. You're just… just _Haru_.”

Haruka looks right into Kisumi’s eyes to search for a white lie told to not upset him, but all he finds there is sincerity. He of all people should know, with his history and his apparently natural skill of reading people that made him into the best, although fake, psychic in Miyagi. While Kisumi used Haruka as a way to get out of his situation in Sendai, it hasn’t caused Haruka any harm—rather, the opposite. Kisumi used Haruka to not only his benefit, but Haruka’s, as well. And that makes him the first person in Haruka’s life to do so.

The insight is so powerful that it figuratively brings Haruka to his knees, shatters the barriers he’s built up around himself, and he’s left completely bare. Normally, he’d see this as a warning to run away as far as he could, but Kisumi has given him the freedom that proves he doesn’t have to.

“Haru… oh, honey,” Kisumi says, frowning slightly in concern. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’m sorry.”

He brings a hand up to wipe the tears that fall down Haruka’s cheeks. Haruka’s usual instinct of batting people away when they touch him isn’t there, and it surprises him that it only took him a year to let someone this close, let someone touch him like this. After what happened with Ryuuhei, Haruka had expected it to take _years_ considering how badly things had gotten in the end.

“I’m not upset,” Haruka retorts. “You just caught me off-guard, is all.”

Kisumi smiles, and he lets his hand rest on Haruka’s cheek. “Still, I’m sorry I did that. Come lie down again, hmm?”

He does as he’s asked. Kisumi slings an arm around his shoulders, and Haruka rests his head on Kisumi’s chest. It feels nice, and the sound of Kisumi’s slow heartbeat makes him calm down, and he feels safe.

Slowly, almost tentatively, Kisumi lets his index finger trace Haruka’s shoulder blades, and Haruka already knows what he’s going to be asked. And maybe it’s about time—they’ve never talked about it, because Haruka hasn’t brought it up, and he knows Kisumi wouldn’t bring it up unless he knew that Haruka would be okay to talk about it. Now that Haruka's told Kisumi the worst of it, maybe the story of his tattoo will be easier to tell.

“Does this have to do with him, too?”

Haruka nods. “I got it around the time I realised I’d fucked up and that there was no way I’d get away from Ryuuhei alive.”

“Why did you get the tattoo?”

“To retain _some_ optimism,” Haruka says, and he laughs bitterly. “I hoped that maybe one day I’d be able to escape the barbed wire to be one of those birds.”

Normally when Haruka would see the inked motive across his shoulder blades in a mirror, he’d see only the barbed wire, and not the birds that flew before the hand that drew a line in between them, and made the birds part of the barbwire. Having been with Ryuuhei, he early on learnt that there’s a thin line separating freedom and slavery, and now, he’s somehow managed to cross the line, and be free. Now, the tattoo reminds him of the day he found out he’d been declared dead and thus set free, and he almost prefers it that way. Of course, he’ll never forget the reason why he got it in the first place, and it’ll always serve as a reminder in the back of his head to always be careful, and to never take freedom for granted.

“I like it,” Kisumi replies. “It’s both beautiful and cruel at the same time, I suppose.”

Haruka can’t express nor really comprehend how he’s grown so close to Kisumi in a year, when he thought he’d never dare getting close to anyone ever again. Maybe it’s because they’re so similar, because Kisumi knows him now better than anyone else does, and because Kisumi might just be the most patient and kind person Haruka has ever met, who does things for people while expecting nothing in return. Hell, at this point, Haruka wouldn’t be too surprised should Kisumi say he’s clear of all his debt—but even if he did, Haruka wouldn’t accept that. Now, he owes Kisumi more than just money for this new life he’s living; he owes Kisumi his life in _general_.

 

* * *

 

Most people who come into the shop are regulars who Haruka soon get to know himself. It reminds him a little of his former underground job as a fake psychic, almost, and at first, that aspect of it makes him uncomfortable. He’s not even trying, and he _still_ reads people as part of his daily job. They tell him things they probably don’t even _mean_ to, and he wonders if this is what bartenders go through, except probably ten times worse.

But soon enough, and after some reassuring from Kisumi, Haruka learns to appreciate it, and see it in a different light. People are just being social, kind, friendly; they aren’t trying to get something from him other than their coffee, sandwiches or pastries. For once, the talking and getting to know people isn’t the main thing about his job, and that in and of itself makes it a lot easier.

In the mornings, there’s mostly students coming in to get their morning coffee before their first lecture of the day, buying the breakfast they didn’t have time making before rushing out the door as a result of snoozing in a little too late. Even though they’re tired and stressed, most students who come in still bother with a ‘g’morning’ and a half-hearted smile, and Haruka appreciates that. He’s still getting used to the differences between Sendai and Iwatobi, learning how different people can be from these two places.

There’s a guy who comes in almost every morning looking like death. He’s a teacher at a high school here in Iwatobi, and he isn’t a morning person, to put it lightly. He really likes cats, has a boyfriend in the police force—a fact that almost made Haruka flinch at first, but thankfully he’d been able to keep his mask on—and he’s so bad at cooking that his police boyfriend has banned him from using their kitchen.

“I’m actually trying to improve my cooking skills,” Tachibana Makoto says. “Rin doesn’t know it yet, but I’ve started taking classes on evenings when he has to work overtime.”

Haruka smiles. “Bet he’ll be glad to find out, though.”

“Yeah. I feel bad that he has to cook all the time when he works a lot more, not to mention _harder_ , than I do.” Makoto stretches his upper body, grabs his takeaway mug, and flashes Haruka a smile. “Well, I’ve taken up enough of your time for this morning. Thanks for listening to my whining.”

Haruka almost wants to say that it’s part of his job, because it seems like it’s one of those things they forgot to include when describing Haruka’s tasks at the shop before he started working there. Instead, he nods, and gives Makoto a smile of his own.

“Anytime. Have a nice day.”

“Thanks, you too. See you around, Aki!”

Haruka’s only other co-worker until lunch, a young woman about his age, yells out a farewell greeting to Makoto in return from the kitchenette—something that makes him laugh.

The first time Haruka met Aki, he wondered if maybe he’d met or at least seen her somewhere else before. Something about her made Haruka think along those lines, but he’s pretty sure he’s wrong. Iwatobi may be a small town, but Japan is big, and there’s a very, _very_ small chance he’s actually met Aki before.

Makoto disappears out the door, the bell signalling his exit, and Haruka goes around back to fetch a few bags of coffee beans and hot chocolate powder that came with the morning delivery. It gets quiet again once Makoto’s left and the only person actually sitting in the coffee shop leaves, and then Haruka figures they’ll have a little bit of downtime before there’s a ketchup effect right around lunch, and people start pouring in.

“Hey, Aki,” Haruka calls. “How do you know Makoto?”

Aki comes out of the kitchenette, dusting her hands off on her apron. “How’d you know I know him?”

Haruka really doesn’t wanna get into it, and he’s pretty sure he shouldn’t, either. “Just a hunch. Just doesn’t seem like he’s just a regular customer to you.”

“Nah, it’s because he isn’t. He’s dating my girlfriend’s older brother.”

Haruka’s eyebrows rise so far up they disappear under his bangs. “No way.”

“Yes way,” Aki laughs. “A bit awkward sometimes, but what can you do. I guess Makoto and I found out what’s so great about the Matsuokas.”

Iwatobi is a small town, and Haruka knew that even before they moved there as he’d done a little research, but it’s things like these that truly make him realise how small of a place it is. People greet Haruka on the street like they know him, but in due time, he’ll actually _know_ them, and the thought is a little scary but also funny.

Around twelve, Haruka and Aki’s six-hour long shift ends, and they hand over the baton to two other people who work until closing time. Haruka’s always been somewhat of a morning person, so he doesn’t mind working the morning shift, unlike Aki, who says she’s only putting up with the morning shift now because of Haruka.

“Me?”

Aki raises an eyebrow at him, hoisting her messenger bag strap further up on her shoulder. “Yes? Why, do you find it so weird that people would enjoy working with you? You’re easy to work with, talk to. Chigusa tends to blab my ears off, so I’m glad I don’t work with her anymore. She’s nice, but I think she’s uncomfortable with silence, since she always has to fill it with pointless talk.”

“What about Kazuki, then?”

“Eh, he’s okay. But if I can choose, I’ll choose you.”

Haruka snorts. “Thanks. I’d choose you over the others, too.”

“Ooh, be careful or I might fall for you.”

It’s true, though; while Haruka doesn’t much mind the others, Aki is the one he gets along with best. Having a tolerable co-worker who’s easy to talk with definitely helps make his days go by easier and faster, and he’s realising how much he’s starting to prioritise having good people around him at work rather than the size of his pay check.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [inspiration for haru's tattoo](http://therevoltingsyrian.com/post/27987905674/the-difference-between-freedom-slavery-is-one).


	4. a man with many names

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following Haruka's story, it's now Kisumi's turn to share his. Taichi's mother, Sumire, starts appearing less often around the apartment.

**OCTOBER**.

 

When Aki trudges into the shop at ten minutes to six on a Thursday morning, she does so looking like she’s only had a half hour nap instead of a full night’s rest. Her usually neat high ponytail is right now a messy bun, and she hasn’t bothered wearing more makeup than just eyeliner. Haruka gives Aki a look of pity and concern as she comes out to join him in the coffee shop, and she gives him a tired look in return.

“Don’t give me that, Nanase. Our shit ass neighbour flooded their toilet, so we got water dripping down from our ceiling about three hours ago.” She sighs, looking outright murderous. “ _Toilet_ water.”

Haruka almost laughs, but he quickly tries to put himself in her position, knowing he’d react the same way had it happened to him. “Jesus. What’re they gonna do?”

“Well, they’re coming over later today to start fixing shit, but it’s gonna take a few days. They cut a hole in our ceiling, Nanase. We have buckets standing on the bathroom floor to catch shit water.”

Now he can’t help but burst out laughing, and it makes Aki laugh, too. “Damnit, Nanase, this isn’t supposed to be funny.”

“I know, sorry.”

Despite the colder temperatures, and Makoto’s dislike for them, he does show up at the coffee shop at seven in the morning like clockwork. Only this time, he brings his police boyfriend. Haruka has to fight the urge to widen his eyes in fear and surprise, and he clenches his fist behind the counter before greeting the two. Some things are just going to be a bitch to get used to.

“Welcome,” he says. “You brought someone.”

“Hey, Haru,” Makoto says, nodding at him as a way of greeting. “I did! This is Rin, my boyfriend.”

“So, this is Haru,” Rin says, and he leans over the counter to stretch out his hand for Haruka to shake. “I’ve heard about you.”

 _Makoto doesn’t know_. Haruka wouldn’t tell him, anyway, of course—but Haruka still has to repeat in his head that there’s no way Rin could find out just by looking at him, that he has a shady past and got himself a new identity illegally. Haruka knows how to mask his emotions, hide his thoughts from people who shouldn’t have access to them, and he’s only just now met Rin for the first time. He knows very well that he’s overreacting, but it’s hard not to when the guy is a fucking police officer.

“And you’re Rin,” Haruka says redundantly, taking Rin’s outstretched hand in his, giving a curt shake. “Nice to meet you.”

“Likewise,” Rin replies, and he offers a grin Haruka almost can’t look away from. Who the hell has teeth _that_ sharp? Haruka’s inclined to believe that this guy sharpened them and that they aren’t natural, but it bothers him that he can’t be sure. He’s not curious to the point of wanting to ask, so Haruka decides to just leave it with the closing thought that Makoto certainly has an interesting taste in men.

Aki joins them to make casual conversation right around the time Haruka has run out of the ability to keep up his conversation with Rin, so Haruka uses the excuse that he has to empty out the coffee grounds from the machine, as well as turn on the dishwasher even though it’s only just about half full. Even though he’s gotten better at it over the years of having done illegal jobs, it’s never been easy being around a cop—it’s just _easier_. That doesn’t mean his heartbeat doesn’t speed up in panic at the sheer sight of someone in a police uniform, because even now, it still does.

After a while, probably a lot longer than both Makoto and Rin should’ve been allowed to stay in the coffee shop considering it's still a regular workday, the two leave to get to work, and Haruka sighs inwardly in relief. He knows that the possibility of Rin knowing about Taichi’s death is less than minimal. He may know about the earthquake, but his knowledge of it is probably not all that different from what the public could find out in the paper. Natural disasters aren’t ever suspicious, so there’s never a reason for people to start digging into the casualties to find out if there’s something fishy about them.

“Nah, I don’t think he knows. I know we can’t be too careful, but you also can’t be too suspicious of him or he’ll catch on, eventually. Just try and act normal, remember to be Haru.”

Haruka glances at Kisumi by his side, and then he turns his attention back to the female calico in front of him, who has gone from eating the food he’d put out, to rubbing her head against his leg. Cats apparently like to gather in their backyard, so Haruka has started setting out food for them for whenever they visit. Kisumi isn’t too fond of the idea, but Haruka hopes he’ll warm up to it in time.

“Yeah,” he says. “I just… have to get used to being around the police as Haruka, you know?”

“I _do_ know. It’s okay, it isn’t the easiest thing in the world to adjust to a completely new life like this. Especially when you’ve been doing the shit we used to do, that put us at risk at all times.”

That night, Haruka has a nightmare involving a ghost of his not-so-distant past, and after waking up from it, he can’t fall back asleep. He tosses and turns in bed, and it eventually wakes Kisumi. It isn’t the first time it happens, and Haruka hates knowing that it certainly won’t be the last, either. He wonders just how Kisumi puts up with him, _why_ Kisumi chooses to put up with him. They don’t have to live together like this; Kisumi could easily kick Haruka out of the house or find some other place for himself to live should he get fed up with Haruka and his inability to function like a normal human being.

“Sorry,” Haruka whispers. “Can’t sleep.”

“It’s fine. Is it about the cop?”

Haruka swallows hard, closes his eyes. “No. It’s _him_.”

The duvet ruffles a little as Kisumi moves, and then a hand softly grabs Haruka’s. “Bad dreams?”

“Yeah. Can’t even keep him out of those.”

“I know you don’t wanna hear this, but… it’s normal. So you’re not alone in that. But I promise it gets better with time.”

Haruka groans, and turns to lie on his back and stare up at the ceiling. “It’s taking too long.”

“You could always go see a therapist; they can help.”

“ _Can_ ,” Haruka emphasises, rolling his eyes though Kisumi can’t see it. “What if it’s just a waste of money?”

“Well, you’ll never know unless you try. It helped me get over the worst parts of my PTSD.”

Haruka has never considered the possibility of him suffering from PTSD as well; usually he tends to push away his nightmares and brush off any sudden or strong reactions as if it were nothing big. But maybe it is, and maybe Haruka _needs_ to seek help in order to deal with it, so he can properly move on and live the normal life he’s wanted for so long.

“I don’t know. I’d just… find it weird to talk to a complete stranger about the shitty things that happened before.”

“Oh, trust me—so did I. But it gets easier, and it helps to think about the fact that therapists aren’t people you’re paying to listen to you whining about your issues; they’re people who get paid to help you get better.”

Silence falls as Haruka ponders those words, but he still can’t fall asleep. He stares up at the ceiling, trying to focus on taking deep breaths and keeping his mind as empty as possible. He’s always found it difficult to fall back asleep, and some nights are impossibly worse than others. He listens for Kisumi’s breathing as well, and is surprised when he hears Kisumi isn’t sleeping yet, either.

“You know, Haru,” Kisumi says again after a while. “I never told you about… well, how I ended up like this, right?”

Haruka barely turns his head, but he looks over at Kisumi next to him. “You didn’t.”

Kisumi huffs a soft laugh. “I figured I kind of owe you, after all the shit we’ve been through together in such a short amount of time. I haven’t told anyone else, but… I know I can trust you. That you won’t rat on me to anyone else.”

“Of course I wouldn’t.”

“It’s weird, being able to trust someone like this. You… don’t get that a lot these days. Trust is a luxury most of us can’t afford, I guess.”

Haruka doesn’t think about it much, but there are times when it hits him just how similar he and Kisumi are. They’re different as night and day, yet they’ve got so many things in common they could easily just be different days of the week. He knows Kisumi isn’t from Sendai, that he came from somewhere else, but that’s about as much as Haruka can figure out about Kisumi.

The first thing that stood out to Haruka about Kisumi was his name—there’s no way in hell someone would be given such a name at birth. And when they finally met, it was the hair that clashes so horribly with the colour of his eyes. With how obvious Kisumi is about having changed his identity, Haruka wouldn’t be surprised to find out this isn’t the first time Kisumi’s done it.

“I… did a lot of bad stuff when I was younger. I stole shit and sold it off or kept for myself, I did drugs, I did shady stuff with and for shady people. It definitely wasn’t the best life to live.” He laughs bitterly, shaking his head and making the duvet rustle a little in the silence of their dark bedroom. “And I was dating this guy… well, I _thought_ I was dating him, but he was just using me. Used me to get drugs and a bunch of other things. He’d hit and kick me when I screwed up, but I couldn’t leave him. I was too big of a fucking idiot, and I was too weak.”

Haruka’s breath hitches in his throat, and he looks up at the ceiling again. “I’m sorry,” is all he can think to say following a strange exhale that doesn't feel quite right. How would one normally react to hearing stuff like this?

“Don’t be; I know we were in really similar situations. It was kind of startling to me, when you told me about the guy you’d been with… because it was the same for me. Anyway, I got more and more desperate to leave him, and so I started looking for ways to get away from him, but alive. So eventually, I found this guy who could help me fake my death, be born again and have a completely new life given to me.”

“Fake your  _death_? What… what did you have to do?” Haruka asks. He’s still trying to process all of the things Kisumi has told him so far, and he’s almost a little scared knowing he probably hasn’t heard half of it yet.

“There’s this guy in Miyazaki named Shinichirou who can tell you how to do just that, and he provides you with the stuff you need to do it. He’ll also help you get a death certificate and all the other documents you’ll need, like I used to do. He’s actually the one who got me into it. Anyway, what you need besides a lot of money to pay this guy with, is a portable freezer, a box of hypodermic needles, and a year.”

“For what?”

“This guy teaches you how to collect your own blood; freeze a pint or so every few weeks, and when you’ve collected four litres in about a year... well, unless you’re just straight up reckless and decide to empty yourself out way before then, you take the blood and pour or splash it wherever you want to… well, ‘die’. The inside of a car, all over your bedroom, someone _else's_ bedroom… anywhere you can think of—make a real big mess. You don’t even have to worry about a body, because there isn’t a coroner _anywhere_ who won’t declare you dead as long as they see four litres of blood at the scene. They might _look_ for the body, but even if they can’t find one, it still won’t change the fact that you’re ‘dead’. Because, like I said, there’s no way a person would survive losing that much blood.”

The thought of Kisumi having systematically frozen four litres of his own blood over the course of an entire year to plant somewhere and fake his own death makes Haruka sick to his stomach. _Four litres_. Haruka has been beaten up severely before to the point where he lost quite a bit of blood, but he’s evidently never even gotten close to losing four litres at once.

To say that he got out the easy way when he ‘died’ is a vast understatement, Haruka realises.

“So that’s… what you did. Four litres of blood.”

“I did. It was really tough having to wait so long, and endure everything for an entire year, but I knew I had to in order for everything to work out. I successively shut people out of my life, I stopped using my credit cards so people couldn't see my transactions and movements. I did everything short of _actually_ killing myself to make it happen. Then I finally paid the guy for a set of new documents and essentially a new life, and poured blood all over my old bedroom, tearing the place apart to make it _look_ like I died when I didn't.”

Haruka doesn’t know whether or not he should be flattered Kisumi trusts him enough to talk about this with him, because it isn’t really something he’s proud of knowing. The story of a man who lived such a shitty life that it led to him faking his own death isn’t exactly something you talk to people about, and that’s exactly why Kisumi hasn’t talked to anyone about it until now. Because Kisumi has, through very unfortunate circumstances, found someone whose own story matches his pretty well. Haruka, if anyone, should be able to at least somewhat understand and relate, and Haruka does.

“My biological name was Takizawa Kei,” Kisumi says, “and I used to live in Miyazaki growing up. The first time I had to pick a name for myself as a kid when my mum and I got into the witness protection program, I was given the name Nakahara Hiroyuki. By the fourth time I had to change my name, the time I faked my death, I was so fed up with the whole thing that I picked the stupidest name I could think of. Maybe I even _wanted_ people to know it’s fake, I don’t remember.”

Haruka can’t help but giggle at that. “I knew it was fake the second I heard it.”

“Yeah, kind of obvious, I know. But I’ve grown to like it, it feels like it’s _mine_ now, if you know what I mean.”

Haruka has yet to experience it himself; even though he’s basically gotten used to his name by this point, it still doesn’t completely feel like it’s his name just yet. But he knows that it’s coming, and it’s something he’s looking forward to. He hopes neither of them will ever get into a situation where they’ll have to change their names again—Haruka for the second time, Kisumi for the third. It really puts things in perspective for Haruka, and he’s slowly starting to realise how grateful he should be that, even if things have been fucked up for him in the past, some people have it worse. Way worse.

“I got used to moving around a lot,” Kisumi continues. “We moved to a new place as soon as my dad felt that people around us were getting too close. It was too risky to get to know others, because you never knew their intentions, who they really were. And once they both died, I continued with the same thing, at first out of habit, but later because I _had_ to. I only lived in Sendai for less than a year before you and I left, and even that was too long for me to stay in one place.”

“Does that mean you’ll leave Iwatobi anytime soon?”

Kisumi goes quiet for a few seconds, and then he turns to lie on his back. “My habits tell me I probably should, but realistically, I don’t have to anymore. It’s been a long time since things were really bad for me, and I’ve moved around so many times at this point that I should’ve shaken most of my past off me. Not to mention the amount of times I’ve had to get my name changed.”

“So, you won’t?”

“I probably won’t leave Iwatobi, but… I know I’ll still get restless if I don’t move around every now and then. Even within the same town. I don’t expect you to get it—god knows I barely understand it myself—but it makes me feel… safe. Safer.”

Even though Kisumi won’t leave Iwatobi anytime soon, him moving out of their house is going to feel weird for Haruka. He’s only just recently started to feel like he’ll be able to root himself here, that he’s started to gather people around him who care about him, people he cares about. Kisumi is probably the biggest reason for all that, and while Haruka doesn’t necessarily want to depend on Kisumi, he still feels more at ease having Kisumi by his side.

It’s a part of life, something Haruka has yet to experience even though he’s nearing his thirties, and something he’ll have to go through, whether or not he wants to.

 

* * *

 

 **NOVEMBER 2006**.

 

“ _I’m sorry, honey, I don’t know when I’ll be back_.”

Taichi swallows a sigh. “Okay. Send me a text when you’re on your way, and be safe.”

Sumire laughs. “ _I will. You know, I’ll make it up to you; how about dinner on Friday? When do you get off work?_ ”

If Taichi didn’t work late on Friday, that would’ve been the first time they’ve had dinner together in a long time. He barely sees his mother these days as their schedules clash so horribly, and most of their communication is done through the occasional phone calls, text messages, and notes left on the fridge.

This wasn’t how he’d expected things for them to go, but at this point, neither of them can help it. They need their jobs to pay rent, bills, and other expenses, and Taichi can’t afford to attempt getting a job in the art industry when he knows how unstable and insecure it’ll be in the beginning.

“I can’t,” he says, and he knows that she knows that, too. “I work until closing.”

Sumire makes an _oh_ -sound, and Taichi notes how good she’s gotten at faking disappointment. “ _Saturday, then. You don’t work weekends, thankfully._ ”

 _But you do_ , he thinks, because she does, most of the time. “Saturday it is.”

If she promises, she promises. Otherwise, Taichi will just have another thing to be sour about; that pile of his is starting to get pretty big now. But it’s something he keeps sweeping in under a rug and making it far too obvious that something’s not quite right. He keeps telling himself he’ll deal with it someday, but ‘someday’ is a faraway day that never comes any closer.

Mostly, it’s because Taichi doesn’t want any strain on the relationship he has with his mother. He and Sumire have gotten close, and things are good between them, for the most part. They don’t argue, but her increasing absence is what’s making things weird between them. Taichi knows she isn’t working all the time she’s gone from the apartment, but he also doesn’t want to inquire about _what_ it is she’s doing. It’s none of his business. He’s an adult, and so is she.

Saturday doesn’t happen. Taichi instead goes out for a drink at the local pub with his co-workers, and doesn’t hear from his mother until early morning.

[ _sorry about last night, i got held up. on my way home now & bringing breakfast!_]

 

He rolls his eyes. It’s not a surprise, but it still manages to disappoint him somehow. Maybe someday he won’t feel a thing anymore when Sumire breaks another promise. It started only a few months earlier, when things apparently started looking up for her, work-wise. Taichi doesn’t know what it is, but he assumes she’s met new people. For now, it seems to be a good thing; Sumire is happier, she _does_ have money over after having paid half of their bills and done a bit of grocery shopping, so Taichi thinks it can’t be that bad—he just hopes it stays that way.

But then again, it’s only been about six months since Tooru died, and while Taichi didn’t have the best relationship with his father, Sumire’s relationship with her husband was a lot better.

“Taichi, are you in here? I brought breakfast!”

He hears Sumire’s voice out in the hallway, and Taichi gets up from his desk chair to go out into the kitchen. Sumire’s wearing different clothes than she did the day before, but that would normally be obvious considering she spent the night elsewhere. The thing is that Taichi wonders just where that ‘elsewhere’ is, but he also _doesn’t_ want to know.

 _Would_ she move on so soon?

“Where’d you end up last night?” he finds himself asking, anyway. He takes the takeout boxes out of the paper bag she brought, and places them on opposite sides of the kitchen table.

Sumire comes in to join him after she’s shed her coat, and she ruffles his hair lightly while smiling. “There was a celebration party that I was invited to. It was a surprise… for me, I guess. I got promoted.”

Taichi barely raises his eyebrows as he sits down. “That so. Congrats.”

It didn’t take long after Tooru’s death for Sumire to make at least one drastic decision, which was to completely change her hairstyle. A while back, she decided on dyeing her hair blonde for some god-awful reason, and cut it short. Now, it’s started to grow out, both the hair itself and her original hair colour, but Sumire has decided she wants to keep it long in the back and relatively short in the front. As weird as it had been in the beginning, Taichi has gotten used to it now, and reluctantly admits to himself that it fits her. Even the black roots she decides on keeping with the rest, which she keeps dyeing blonde.

“Thanks! The work hours are pretty much the same, I’m afraid,” _oh no you’re not_ , “but the pay is obviously going to be better. Not to mention what I get to do at work… I don’t want to sound rude or anything, but I was starting to get tired of it. This came at a really good time.”

“Huh,” Taichi hums. “Well, I’m glad for you.”

She smiles, wider this time. “Thank you, Taichi. I know things aren’t easy for us, but… I just know it’ll get better. We’ve just gotta hang in there, you know?”

“Mm-hmm.”

He loves his mother, but _god_ can she be daft sometimes. It’s a miracle she has yet to catch onto Taichi’s blatantly obvious sarcasm; he inherited it from Tooru, after all, so it isn’t exactly new to her now that her son’s grown up.

“Thanks for breakfast,” he says after finishing his rice and mackerel. “I’m heading out soon, meeting someone in town.”

“Really?” She actually sounds surprised, maybe even disappointed. “I was hoping we could spend some time together today.”

Taichi turns towards the door, and ignores the slight pang of guilt that pricks him in the chest. “Sorry. Next time, I promise.”

 _I promise_. Well, at least Taichi keeps his promises. He wonders whom he got that from, if it wasn’t from his parents.

He heads out the door while Sumire’s still sitting by the kitchen table, looking out the window. The image still sticks to his retinas as he gets on the bus into the town centre.

 

* * *

 

 **NOVEMBER 2012**.

 

“Kiss me?”

Haruka avoids making a boring joke about his friend’s name, and instead just corrects Makoto as he’d expected he’d have to do. “No, it’s _Ki-su-mi_. Short vowel at the end.”

Makoto makes a poor attempt at stifling a laugh, but it’s a reaction Haruka expects since he’d been the same way the first time he read Kisumi’s name. The worst thing was having to say it out loud, but now he’s gotten used to it… somehow.

“Wow. His parents must really love him, huh,” Rin fills in, and Haruka raises his eyebrows slightly in response.

“Oh yeah, definitely.”

He knows Makoto and Rin will love Kisumi; he’s just that kind of guy who will win _anyone_ over with very little effort. He’s a people person, and while he isn’t as good at reading people as Haruka is, he has an easier time getting people to open up and talk to him instead. Very different ways of getting to know people, but in a way, similar.

The man in question is on his way home from work; Makoto and Rin had headed over after work to hang out, and today’s the first time they’ll meet Kisumi. The two of them meeting Kisumi isn’t something Haruka is worried about—he knows that’ll go off without a hitch. What makes him a little nervous is the fact that he and Kisumi will be with _Rin_. It’s still not that easy for Haruka to act like he _isn’t_ technically a criminal around a person in law enforcement, but he’s working on it, albeit very slowly.

“There’s actually a slight _u_ -sound in between there,” Kisumi smiles. “Barely noticeable, but it’s there, to help separate it from an English demand.”

Rin gives Kisumi an amused look. “ _Demand…_ That’s the reason?”

“Mmm, no, but I can pretend it is.”

Haruka can tell Makoto buys their stories, believes them and that he doesn’t seem the least bit suspicious of these two people who seemingly dropped down in Iwatobi out of nowhere. When it comes to Rin, Haruka still doesn’t know. Sometimes he feels like Rin believes that they’re normal people; two best friends who moved from Niigata to Tottori for a change of pace and scenery in their lives—and sometimes, it feels like Rin is suspicious of them. It might just be Haruka’s paranoia trying to tell him that they aren’t in the clear yet, he doesn’t know. So for now, he’s still playing it safe in keeping somewhat of a distance from Rin.

They talk about how weird of a coincidence it is that Haruka ended up working with Rin’s sister’s girlfriend, and then Rin tells them about his partner who’s terrible with directions but is one of the best police officers on Honshu. He wants Haruka and Kisumi to meet this ‘Sousuke’, Rin’s partner, and it makes Haruka nervous once again having to meet a police officer and pretend like nothing’s wrong. It’s almost exhausting, and he wonders how the hell Kisumi’s so good at dealing with it on a daily basis, especially since he’s done this before they moved to Iwatobi.

Mid-November, Rin invites them over for dinner at his and Makoto’s place since it’s Makoto’s birthday, and they’re told that they’ll get to meet both Sousuke and his sister, Gou, that evening. Aki shows up, though, and it’s nice for Haruka to have yet another familiar face around as he meets this incredibly intimidating partner of Rin’s. His handshake nearly crushes Haruka’s hand to pieces, he’s stoic, and he speaks very curtly. Although, according to Gou, he’s just like that when he’s around new people.

“So he’s not always stuck-up and scary-looking?”

Gou laughs, shaking her head. “’Scary-looking’… No, Sousuke’s just a little nervous. Doesn’t deal well with strangers in these situations. It’s different at work, because he kind of turns into someone else, then.”

Well, _that’s_ a familiar concept.

Rin’s sister looks so much like him that Haruka would’ve easily mistaken them for twins had Rin not been quick to point out that he’s a year older, much to Gou’s very apparent chagrin. It’s interesting to Haruka, because they’re so alike on the outside that you’d think their personalities would be similar, but they couldn’t be more different. Gou is a kind, warm young woman with a good sense of humour, and while Rin isn’t necessarily mean, he shows kindness in a different way, and Haruka doesn’t understand his humour in the least bit.

Since it’s Makoto’s birthday, Rin has insisted on cooking for the evening. Haruka finds out that Rin is a great cook, and he gets to eat some food that he’s never had before. Haruka wouldn’t say he’s picky, but he’s certainly been particular about the food he puts into his mouth. Rin’s cooking alone is good enough to make him reconsider, and make him curious about other, less common, foods.

“Rin, this was absolutely _fantastic_ ,” Makoto says, his eyes practically twinkling. “Thank you.”

Rin smiles widely, looking proud, and Haruka remembers Gou mentioning something about how even the simplest comments boost Rin’s ego more than the normal human being’s. “Anything for the birthday boy.”

“God, would you call him something other than ‘birthday boy’?” Sousuke asks, visibly cringing. “He’s _twenty-six_ now.”

“Why, does that make you uncomfortable?”

“Don’t answer that; you know what happens next,” Gou says, and Sousuke nods once, making Rin groan in disappointment.

“Gou, I love you, but sometimes I wish we weren’t so close. Your influence on my friends, not to mention my _boyfriend_ , is really not working out in my favour.”

Gou laughs. “But that’s exactly why this is good. I’m teaching them not to fall for your tricks. And I think I’ve done a pretty decent job so far. Right, Sousuke?”

Sousuke hums affirmatively, and Rin throws a crumpled-up napkin at his sister, who swiftly dodges it. Haruka enjoys just observing and listening to everyone bicker, and sometimes, Kisumi joins in on that. For the most part, though, Kisumi tends to partake in conversation and just be as social as Haruka wishes he could be. Maybe one day.


	5. (the bad kind of) déjà vu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a day of constantly being reminded of certain parts of his past and an unexpected way to end his Friday, Haruka panics to Kisumi about a potential risk he's discovered.

**FEBRUARY 2013**.

 

Gaining more friends means more birthday celebrations. Since Makoto’s, they’ve had two such occasions happen: Rin’s being the most recent in early February, and Gou’s at the end of the year being the last. Rin is technically the oldest of the bunch, but Haruka has learnt a long time ago that age doesn’t necessarily mean you’re wiser or more mature, especially if your name is Matsuoka Rin. Now that he’s known them for a little while, Haruka has started to realise that maybe not _all_ police are scary and intimidating. If anything, Haruka guesses he and Kisumi have befriended the two least intimidating police officers in the entire prefecture who are nothing like what they may look like at a first glance.

“See, I told you,” Kisumi laughs. “Nothing to worry about. Honestly, I think we’ve adjusted pretty well to life here in Iwatobi. I like it here, it’s nice and peaceful.”

Haruka nods, washing off is paintbrush. “I like it here, too. It’s far enough away from Sendai that I’m not worrying too much.”

It feels strange, nostalgic, to be painting again. He’s avoided it for so many years since it reminded him of the relatively peaceful life he led before he met Ryuuhei, but now, Haruka feels like it’s time to pick it up again. A hobby he turned into his university major, that became his degree and ultimately was what he was supposed to work with. But then life got in the way when his father died, and from there, Taichi got further and further away from art with each day passing by.

Kisumi hums in agreement. “Yeah. I know we can never be too careful, but we also probably shouldn’t walk around being anxious about things all the time. It’s a matter of balance.” He stretches his neck to see Haruka’s canvas better. “Who knew you were an artist!”

Is he, still? Does he count as one if he’s been avoiding any and all art-related things since graduation seven years ago? Haruka realises he hasn’t revealed this part of his past to Kisumi, that there’s still a lot Kisumi doesn’t know about him. Normally he’d think of it as a good thing, that it could give him a way to defend himself—but Kisumi has proven time and time again that he can be trusted. Why else would he have told Haruka about his own past like that?

“I… used to be,” Haruka says. “I studied art at university, but after graduation, I put that all aside.”

Kisumi raises his eyebrows. “Oh. Why?”

“To help my mum… after dad died. It’s a long story.”

“And you have an almost empty canvas,” Kisumi says, cocking his head in the direction of said canvas. “Paint, and talk.”

So that’s what he does. He’s grateful to Kisumi for allowing him to half-focus on something else while telling his story; it makes it a whole lot less uncomfortable for Haruka, who doesn’t like to talk about these things to begin with. But he wants to, because he trusts Kisumi, and they’ve gotten really close since that day they first met in Kisumi’s Sendai office.

When he’s done talking, the canvas still has space left to be filled out, but Haruka decides to leave it to dry for now. Taking a step back to inspect his work, Haruka’s surprised by how much he’s retained from his university years. It’s almost as if it never left, as if his talents and knowledge knew they’d come in handy one day when Haruka would have the time and courage to utilise them again.

“There’s a whole lot more to you than what I already knew,” Kisumi finally says after a while. “And I always had a feeling. You’re just the person that I knew from the beginning would be full of mysteries, stories, experiences, _experience_. I’m so honoured you trust me enough to tell me all this; even though I was technically the one to bring it up, you chose to let me know.”

Haruka shrugs. “Because I trust you. I know that what I say is safe with you.”

“Of course. And I trust you, too.”

The hardest thing about this life, this _new_ life as Haruka still sees it, is to establish a routine. Going to work, having a social life, having hobbies. He’s trying to stick with drawing and painting—drawing when he’s sitting on the couch and gets a sudden itch, pulling out the easel, paints and brushes when he’s got more time on his hands. He hangs out with Gou and Aki pretty often, but also sees Rin, Sousuke and Makoto every now and then.

And maybe he _has_ established some sort of routine, some sort of life, for himself. For the longest time, the meaning of living a ‘normal’ life had gone lost on him, but Haruka feels like he’s starting to get the hang of it. Letting himself take it easy, taking each day as they come, and letting himself have _friends_.

Arguably, the hardest thing about socialising is trying to tell himself that it’s okay to let people in. These people aren’t like those he was half-forced to be around in Sendai. Haruka knows how to read people, see what they’re about. Sometimes it’s more difficult with one person than with others, but for the most part, Haruka can tell if they’re good or bad, ‘dirty or clean’. And it seems like these Iwatobi people he’s met are all on the good side. How he managed to get so lucky is beyond him, but it happened, and he’s glad for what he’s been given.

“Hey, Nanase, you’re spacing out again.”

Haruka turns to face Aki, and he clears his throat. “Sorry. Did you say something?”

“Nah, nothing important,” she laughs. “Tired? Or just a rough day?”

“Tired, definitely. But I’m fine.”

Aki hums, clearly curious, but she doesn’t pry. Haruka likes that about her. She’s a sharp, smart person, quick to take hints and read situations, and she’s easy to be around. Her girlfriend is very similar, so it’s easy for Haruka to see how they ended up dating.

“Well, if it isn’t our soon-to-be-regular,” Aki suddenly says, and Haruka looks towards the door to see Sousuke walking in. Oddly enough, he isn’t with Rin, even though it’s just after lunch, and Sousuke’s definitely on duty considering what he’s wearing.

Sousuke frowns a little, and rolls his eyes as he walks up to the counter to order. “The more you say that, the less often I’m gonna come here. You do realise I’ve other options, right?”

Aki grins. “Yeah, but they’re not as good as our café.”

“It’s true; I’ve been to many of the other shops around here,” Haruka chips in. “And they’re definitely not as good. We’ve got better coffee, and fresher pastries.”

Sousuke snorts. “You two sure know how to reel in customers. Can I get a black coffee to go?”

“That’s it?” Aki asks, and she sounds disappointed. “Nothing sweet to go with that?”

“Hey, I’m still on duty, and besides, I haven’t even had lunch yet. I just need something to keep me awake, and yes—your coffee _is_ better than what I’ve had at other places. Don’t let that go to your heads, though.”

“Fine,” Aki laughs. “Give me a minute.”

She heads off to the side to make Sousuke’s coffee, and Haruka stays behind the counter, where he receives Sousuke’s payment. He’s almost off work, and he’s glad, because he can sense the wave of people coming in soon. The morning rush was over a little while ago, and now that people have had lunch, they’re sure to come in for coffee and ‘dessert’ soon, especially now that it’s Friday.

When it’s just the two of them, Haruka doesn’t know what to say. He and Sousuke don’t talk a whole lot, mostly because they usually only see each other in the company of everyone else, and they tend to talk to others when that happens. Haruka doesn’t know what this guy likes, what his interests are, nothing. And it’s odd, especially considering the fact that they’ve known each other for a few months now.

“So where’s Rin?” he tries. “You two are usually inseparable; this is a rare sight.”

Sousuke huffs through his nose, rolling his eyes. “We’re not inseparable. We’re _partners_ , so of course we’re together a lot, and we happen to be good friends. But today he’s stuck at the office, and I’m patrolling the streets.”

“That’s gotta suck.”

“Yep. Would be fun to have someone with me in the car, but what can I do.”

“Yeah.”

Maybe Sousuke isn’t so awkward, after all. Haruka’s surprised his gut feeling was actually wrong this time. Sure, it had been the same with Kisumi, but it’s very rare. He sarcastically thinks to himself that maybe he’s losing his ‘special power’ now that he isn’t actively using his instinct and ability to read people to make money. Well, even if that _were_ the case, Haruka wouldn’t mind as long as it meant him getting further away from his Sendai days.

“Hey, if you’re free after five, wanna grab a beer or something?”

_“Hey, wanna go grab a beer after work?”_

Haruka blinks a few times to get the image out of his head that so rudely and unexpectedly plastered itself all over his mind. Out of all people from Taichi's past to come to mind  _now_ , it had to be an old colleague at that pesky restaurant Taichi worked at before he met Ryuuhei. Haruka doesn't want to think about those times he took for granted that were instead followed up by something far, far worse.

“Really?” he asks, hoping he doesn't look as pale as he feels.

“Yeah? Why, is that weird?”

Haruka shakes his head. It isn’t weird, that’s what people do. They socialise, go for beers after work on Fridays. It __hadn't been normal for Taichi, but he could've made it so had he not decided to walk down the wrong path. “Nah. Sure, that sounds good. Where do we meet?”

“You know that izakaya close to the hospital?”

“Oh, yeah. Never been, but I know where it is.”

Sousuke gives him a surprised expression, just as Aki comes to join them with Sousuke’s coffee. “Really? Well, all the more reason, then; it’s one of the best places around here, in my opinion.”

Haruka and Sousuke decide on a time to meet, and Sousuke leaves, but not after throwing a tip into their tip jar. Aki gives Haruka another curious look, and this time, she doesn’t hold back.

“What was _that_ about?”

Haruka shrugs. “After work beer.”

“Really? You two? That’s a first.”

“I know. Eh, I’m not opposed; it’ll be interesting.”

Aki narrows her eyes, and Haruka swears he sees a mischievous glint in them. “You could try and get Sousuke really drunk. See what he’s like.”

Haruka resists a shudder, and blinks away the image that flashes across his mind. “I don’t wanna be responsible for having to get him home; he’s probably heavy, and I don’t wanna carry him.”

“Fair enough,” Aki laughs. “Well, I guess I have some gossip to look forward to on Monday.”

 

* * *

 

“ _What happened?_ ”

“What do you mean ‘what happened’?”

Kisumi sighs. “ _I mean, you don’t really hang out with Sousuke, do you?_ ”

“Oh. Yeah, funny thing.”

Of course, though, Kisumi just finds the whole thing amusing, while Haruka’s trying to be neutral about it as he really has no idea what to expect. The nervousness around his police friends has basically disappeared now, which is nice, because it means he doesn’t walk around with a stick up his ass around them all the time. Haruka just really got lucky he befriended them before they started suspecting things; even though they still _can_ , the chances are a lot smaller now.

Kisumi wishes Haruka good luck, which almost makes him wonder if he’ll need it. Probably not, at least not the way he’d normally think. They then hang up, and Haruka heads back home to rest for a bit before he has to head out and meet Sousuke. Now that it’s just him in the house, Haruka has the freedom to do whatever he wants, and he uses said freedom to listen to music from his laptop while painting. He’s made a playlist specifically for drawing and painting, and it’s full of mostly ambient noise, and soothing instrumentals.

Around five, Haruka leaves the house again to head for the izakaya Sousuke suggested. It’s not that far from the café, and only takes about ten minutes to walk to from his and Kisumi’s house. The izakaya seems to be pretty busy, so it’s got to be popular, and that’s a good sign. It isn’t very big; it looks pretty cosy, and the people Haruka can see through the window don’t seem like the people who would go to an izakaya just to stir up trouble.

Haruka has a driver’s licence in his new name courtesy of Kisumi, but he’s avoided thinking about getting a car since they moved to Iwatobi. Ever since the earthquake, he’s been scared to just think of driving, since it’ll remind him of the last time he was in a car. It wasn’t that he caused the accident that made him crash, but he’s still held back by fear that something could happen again should he try to drive.

He’s the first one to arrive outside the izakaya, so he stands outside to wait, leaning against the wall while he scrolls through his phone. Haruka’s really early; Sousuke definitely went back home to get changed since he probably isn’t even allowed to walk around in his work clothes and be armed when he isn’t on duty. Haruka has never been good at knowing the line between what police are and aren’t allowed to do, because many times in his past, it felt like they crossed that line on purpose.

“Hey, Nanase.”

_Hey, Taichi. Missed me?_

Haruka whips around at the sound of a deep voice calling his name. His eyes go wide, and his heart beats so fast and loud in his ears it sounds like fast-paced drumming. His vision blurs, but he does his best to still try and distinguish the silhouette in front of him, and when he sees that the figure is taller than Ryuuhei, Haruka remembers why he’s there, and who would call him Nanase.

Sousuke stands in front of Haruka, and he frowns lightly. “Whoa. Something wrong? You look like you just saw a ghost.”

Haruka quickly comes to his senses, and he shakes his head, smiling, and exhaling slowly through his nose. “Maybe I did. Maybe I’m staring at one right now.”

“Funny.”

Haruka eyes his company up and down when Sousuke nods in acknowledgement and turns to head inside the izakaya. Sousuke has a pretty good fashion sense, doesn’t go over the top, and he knows what he looks good in. Haruka hasn’t given it much thought before, but Sousuke’s very good-looking. Maybe the clothes just emphasise it, he ponders.

“Took you long enough, by the way.”

Sousuke huffs, but he smiles with a raised eyebrow. “Maybe you’re just early. I went straight home from work to shower and get dressed, and then I headed over here. You’ve been off work for hours.”

“Guess you have a point there. Let’s go in, now I really want some chicken skewers.”

And this izakaya’s chicken skewers are pretty good, Haruka finds out. It’s even nicer inside the bar than he’d originally assumed—maybe that’s partly because there’s even less people in there now than when he first arrived. Haruka usually doesn’t hang out at places like these; it’s only since he and Kisumi moved to Iwatobi that going to bars and restaurants has become somewhat common.

While they’re talking, Haruka tries to figure out why Sousuke would want to hang out with him and him only tonight. His first thought is a fleeting one that says he should be on his toes, but he’s long since passed that stage in his friendship with Rin and Sousuke. It then hits him that they’re both pretty quiet people, at least in comparison to the others in their group. They’ve never talked like this before, so Haruka figures that’s probably what this is about. It can’t hurt to confirm, though.

“Can I ask why you asked me to hang out?”

Sousuke looks at him with a puzzled expression. “Is it really that weird? I mean, I haven’t gotten a real chance to get to know you with the others around, and I want to. You seem like a nice guy, is all.”

Maybe Haruka’s intuition is still intact, after all. He smiles a little. “I was just asking; it just felt a little unlikely. But I’m glad, still. It’s a little difficult with everyone else around taking up space.”

“Right? I don’t know how they do it, how they’ve got so much energy. Not to mention Shigino, I mean—how do _you_ deal with it?”

Haruka laughs at that. “It was a little overwhelming at first, but I’m used to it. It’s nice to have someone like Kisumi around me, to balance stuff out, considering I’m practically the opposite.”

“Mmm, I get that. Rin and I are practically opposites, too, but we’re still best friends. Been like that since we were kids. What about you two?”

Haruka’s heart skips a beat, but he doesn’t let his sudden nervousness show. It almost makes him wonder if Sousuke’s going to interrogate him and try to make Haruka slip up, but he quickly bats away the thought. “We haven’t known each other as long as you and Rin have, but it’s been quite a few years at this point. Met in high school, and we’ve hung out ever since… somehow.”

“That’s cool,” Sousuke says. “Funny that you just decided on moving here, of all places. No family back home, or significant others?”

Haruka shrugs, while the image of his mother flashes across his mind. “Who says you can’t move away from home even if you have good family relationships?”

Sousuke huffs a laugh. “Touché.”

It feels a little weird to tell Sousuke this. Haruka keeps his sexuality to himself, because he knows that isn’t something he should be talking about so openly, and especially not with someone he still doesn’t know very well. He has no idea what Sousuke would think of it, and it’s way too early to take such a risk, if he’d ever do such a thing. It makes him a little curious to know why Sousuke used the words ‘significant others’ instead of what people usually say or ask him.

Haruka thinks about his mother every now and then, even though it hurts doing so—he just can’t help it. If he could, Haruka would go back in time and do everything in his power to make sure Sumire at least knew how much she was appreciated by her son before it was too late, before he left her behind. The worst part about having to leave Sendai so abruptly is not knowing at all whether or not Sumire survived the earthquake, so now, Haruka doesn’t know if his mother is alive or not, and he can’t go back to check, either.

Before they can continue on the slightly awkward subject, Sousuke’s phone rings, and he excuses himself as he answers the call, which, funny enough, is from Aki. While he’s on the phone, Haruka checks his own phone and finds nosy messages from Kisumi in his inbox, and he just shakes his head smiling while choosing not to respond to any of them. His plate now only consists of bare wooden skewers, and he’s finished his beer. He wonders if they’re going to order more drinks, but waits until Sousuke’s finished.

“Hey, Nanase,” Sousuke says, and Haruka turns his attention to him again. “Aki wonders if it’s okay for her to join us.”

Haruka laughs a little. “Yeah, it's fine. Tell her she’s like a kid at Christmas.”

“Uh,” Sousuke says, frowning in confusion, “sure.”

Haruka doesn’t explain it, feeling like he doesn’t need to since it’ll all be explained once Aki arrives. He’s a little grateful they’ll be accompanied by someone else soon as he doesn’t like the subjects they’ve been getting into; while Haruka could just talk about something else, he feels like they’ve gotten to know each other enough for their first time properly hanging out, or at least that Sousuke’s found out enough about Haruka that Haruka allows him to know.

Aki arrives, and the three of them end up having a nice evening together, still sticking to the same izakaya while other people enter and leave. Haruka enjoys their company, likes listening to their playful banter and to get to know them both. Not that Haruka minds the others, but he finds it particularly easy getting along with Gou and Aki, and now even Sousuke’s entering that list.

“What’d you mean with the ‘kid at Christmas’ thing?” Sousuke asks, making Aki and Haruka exchange glances and laugh.

“I thought it was a little weird that you two would hang out alone, and I told Haru I wanted all the juicy gossip at work on Monday. But I couldn’t wait, so I decided to ask if I could crash the party instead… partly because I didn’t have much else to do as my girlfriend’s hanging out with her brother tonight, and I didn’t wanna be home alone. Sorry.”

Sousuke snorts, and then shrugs. “It’s fine, I don’t mind.”

When it’s getting late, they decide on ending their evening, and go their separate ways. Since Aki lives in Haruka’s direction, they say goodbye to Sousuke first, and then the two co-workers make company towards, and past, the train station.

“How long’ve you known Sousuke and the others?” Haruka asks, mostly on a whim.

Aki shrugs. “Oh, just about two years. I moved here in mid-2011 from Sendai just before that big earthquake hit, and I met Gou early the next year. We fell for each other pretty quickly,” she finishes, and smiles.

 _Sendai_.

Haruka glances over at Aki, and realises why he thought she looked so familiar. The shock makes his feet stop walking, and he almost drops his jaw. “You lived in Sendai?”

Aki stops, too, and she looks at him with a perplexed expression. “Yeah? Why?”

He stops himself in the very last second; it’s probably very risky to talk about what Haruka suddenly _really_ wants to talk to Aki about, so he decides to drop it right there, and he tries smiling instead. “It’s nothing. I know someone from there; I was just surprised you’re from there, too. Of all places.”

“Oh. Yeah, quite a move, I guess,” she says, smiling back.

Haruka swallows a sigh of relief knowing he just managed to dodge a bullet that could’ve potentially caused a lot of damage.

 

* * *

 

Kisumi is at home when Haruka comes back, and he almost immediately beelines towards the living room where his cohabitant has parked his ass on the couch. Kisumi looks at him, surprised, as Haruka sits down.

“Hey. How was it?”

“It was okay,” Haruka says. “He’s not bad. Pretty funny. Aki joined after a while, too.”

Kisumi frowns a little. “What’s up? Something’s not right. Did something happen?”

“… I talked to Aki on the way home. See, I always felt like I’ve seen her somewhere before.” Haruka swallows. “I have. She lived in Sendai the same time we did. She was one of my customers.”

Kisumi’s eyes widen, and he leans forward. “ _No_. Are you sure?”

“Pretty fucking sure. Her brother was killed in a drug-related police raid, and she came to ask me questions about the circumstances of his death. But… the thing is, his name was _Teshima_. Her name’s Yazaki.”

“Half siblings?” Kisumi ponders. “Or… no, that can’t be. Maybe?”

Haruka frowns. “What?”

“Maybe she got her name changed. What was she doing in Sendai?”

It _can’t_ be her, can it? Can the sex worker from Sendai who came to Taichi asking about her dead brother really be the Aki that Haruka now works with in Iwatobi? Their appearances are far too similar for it to be a doppelganger, and everything else about it just makes sense. Haruka still wants to properly confirm it with Aki; his intuition is rarely wrong, although in this case, he really wishes it _was_.

Because what if Aki finds out about him? Would she rat on Haruka to their police friends? What would _they_ do? Back then, Haruka didn’t have a choice—he _had_ to get himself a new identity in order to simply exist. The authorities had made the mistake of declaring him dead despite the lack of a body at the scene of his supposed death, and that meant he no longer existed in the system as a living person. And who would believe his story if he walked into a police station wanting to get a new identity legally, as someone who supposedly died in a natural disaster?

“She was a sex worker,” Haruka says. “Oh my god. Do you think… maybe I’m overreacting?”

Kisumi exhales a long sigh through his nose. “You know, I heard from many people that you were a really good psychic back in Sendai, and that you had a lot of customers because of the accuracy in your… well, ‘visions’, and all that. I know your intuition is out of this world; I’ve even seen it for myself before. And from what you’ve told me, I’m afraid I can’t deny the fact that it sounds like you’re right on this, too, Haru.”

Haruka leans back, and he closes his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Shit.”

“She probably got into some shit in Sendai that made her have to move and get protection—new identity and all that stuff I had to do once, too. If you didn’t _know_ her, chances are she worked in the blue-line district, and you know how bad it was for those sex workers… if it really _is_ her, it makes sense that she’s now Yazaki instead of Teshima.”

“What am I gonna do? Do I have to move again? She’s good friends with both Rin and Sousuke; she could tell them everything if I talked to her.”

“Do you think she would?”

How would _he_ know? Haruka still doesn’t know Aki all that well, and while she seems like the person who _wouldn’t_ tell on her friends, maybe a situation like Haruka’s is one that Aki just can’t leave be. He doesn’t dare take anything for granted, always knew to be careful and expect the worst as to not get disappointed.

“I have no idea. That’s why I’m asking you if it’s worth taking the risk.”

“Talk to her,” Kisumi says. “You’ll know if you should proceed further.”

Haruka rolls his eyes. “Intuition. Yeah, I know. What if I have to move again, though? What if we’re wrong?”

Kisumi smiles hopelessly, and he shrugs. “Then I guess we’re moving again. You’re not going anywhere without me.”

“Kisumi…”

“No, Haru.” He takes Haruka’s hands in his, and he moves in closer. “I’m with you, okay? We’re in this together. You may have hired me to help you out of a shitty situation once, but I used you in order to get out of one myself.”

Haruka doesn’t think, he just moves on his own. And Kisumi doesn’t seem to mind as he reciprocates Haruka’s kisses, embraces him, follows his movements.

“Haru… are you—”

“Take it slow,” Haruka says against Kisumi’s lips. “I’m fine.”

“You’re trembling.”

He knows it isn’t Ryuuhei; it doesn’t even _feel_ like him, but Haruka’s body has yet to adjust to something like this, something that doesn’t hurt. It’s frustrating that his mind and body won’t cooperate, but he hopes that by taking it slow, they will.

“If you don’t want to—”

“Haru, that’s not… I do, I do want to. I’m just worried about you. I know how much shit like that can fuck you up, and I don’t want you to rush anything. I’d never forgive myself if I did something to you that you ended up not being comfortable with.”

Haruka leans his forehead against Kisumi’s, and Kisumi closes his eyes. “I’ll tell you if I’m uncomfortable.”

“Promise?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. You know… you can be on top if you want to. I think it could help.”

Haruka has never been on top before, both because he didn’t really know how to, and later on because his partner found the idea of being on the receiving end laughable. Haruka wonders if maybe it made Ryuuhei feel inferior, vulnerable, and that that was his reason. Considering how fragile Ryuuhei’s ego was, it would make sense, but Haruka has absolutely no idea. Having once thought he’d mostly figured out his so-called boyfriend, Haruka, or Taichi, couldn’t have been more wrong.

The thought of giving instead of receiving in bed makes Haruka nervous, but at the same time, the thought is exciting. And like Kisumi said, it could help. Give Haruka some control for once, be able to decide what he wants, and doesn’t want, to do.

“Are you sure?” he asks, because he can never really be too sure. It’s always a good thing to ask one more time to give the other person an opportunity to change their mind, and maybe this would be Kisumi’s first time on the receiving end.

But Kisumi smiles, and he nods as confirmation. “Of course.”

Haruka resumes the kissing, and when hand start roaming, and fingers start pulling and scratching at clothes, they pause briefly to move upstairs to the bedroom. To say that Haruka is nervous is a bit of an understatement, but he can tell Kisumi is nervous, too. So they make sure to go slowly, making sure they don’t trigger any bad memories for each other.

It doesn’t take long for Haruka to realise that words aren’t necessary when he’s having sex with Kisumi, because with their movements and facial expressions, they get the message through. He’s never had that happen with anyone before, and so while it’s very new, it’s also nice, and it helps Haruka calm his nerves and hammering heartbeat.

They’ve both been through hell, but they made it out alive. Kisumi may not want to show it, but his actions, gestures and movements tell Haruka he’s doing everything he can as to not trigger any bad memories for either of them. Haruka has never given himself time to heal from his past wounds, but he realises that this is the time when he should. Now that he’s safe, in Iwatobi halfway across the country, he has a completely new life and is surrounded by good people.

Just when Haruka’s about to fall asleep, he feels Kisumi’s light touch on his cheek, and he opens his eyes again. Kisumi looks at him, and there’s a little smile dancing on his lips.

“What is it?” Haruka asks, and Kisumi shakes his head.

“Nothing, it’s just… I don’t know, it probably sounds cheesy, but there’s finally a light in your eyes.”

Haruka laughs a little. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“The first time I met you, when you came into my office, it was like you were a walking dead person. You really looked like you’d lost everything. Now… that’s changed. You’re a different person now, and in a good way. I’m just glad, is all.”

“… Oh.”

Shizuka had once told him something similar: how Taichi never smiled sincerely, how he always seemed like he was playing a role, as if he was an actor playing a character. And it wasn’t that far from the truth, of course; Taichi had completely forgotten who he really was, and all he could do now was to change his personality, actions, and behaviour so it would fit whoever he was with.

Funny how, no matter what mask Taichi wore, none of them ever worked on Ryuuhei.


	6. meeting the devil (without realising it)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Taichi and Ryuuhei met, and how things could go so wrong so fast.

 

 

> _leave me bleeding on the bed, see you right back here tomorrow for the next round_  
>  _keep this scene inside your head as the bruises turn to yellow; the swelling goes down_  
>  _and if you're ever around in the city or the suburbs of this town, be sure to come around_  
>  _i'll be wallowing in sorrow, wearing a frown, like[pierrot the clown](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uB_6OM8H6Ng)_

 

 **JUNE 2007**.

 

“Uehara! You’ve a table waiting for food, don’t keep ‘em waiting!”

Taichi _almost_ slams the now empty dish tray down before rushing out and taking the plates of food out. He does everything and then some, but his jackass superiors pretend like it’s a standard. The thing is, he’s the only one who does it—and of course he is, because he’s the newest recruit who they can treat however they want. Taichi can’t quit this job, because getting a job in general is difficult enough as is, and he needs whatever money he manages to scrape together working at the restaurant.

He wants to get out so badly, hates nearly every day working at this place, but Taichi has no choice but to stay. He’s really surprised he hasn’t gotten fired yet, but that must mean they can’t get other people hired. Smart people, who choose to go elsewhere. Smart people, who _can_ go elsewhere. Taichi feels like a bird in a cage—a greasy cage which he shares with a bunch of assholes who don’t make his time in there any easier.

When he finally gets a short break, Taichi escapes around back to smoke. It helps to keep his stress levels somewhat low, clears his mind; ironic considering the smoke billowing out of his mouth and nostrils.

“Hey.”

Taichi flinches when he hears a voice next to him, and turns his head to see a co-worker he _doesn’t_ hate, Toyoguchi. He tends to stay out of most of the crap going on at the restaurant, and Taichi wishes he could ask Toyoguchi how the hell he does that.

“Hey,” he says back.

Toyoguchi comes to stand next to him, opening his own pack of cigarettes. “Rough day, huh.”

Taichi snorts. “When _isn’t_ it a rough day?”

“Ha.” Toyoguchi lets out a curse under his breath. “Forgot my lighter. Can I borrow yours?”

Handing over his lighter, Taichi turns his head to look towards the park across the street. He’s halfway through his cigarette, and knows they’ll soon yell at him to get back inside and continue working. Besides, Taichi isn’t much of a social butterfly, and he knows Toyoguchi isn’t, either. Maybe he’s trying to be; trying to change, or something. The worst place to try and do that would be where they’re working, considering the management and other co-workers.

“Hey, wanna go grab a beer after work?”

And there it is. Despite the fact that Taichi had almost expected Toyoguchi to try and pull something like that, the question is a little bit surprising. If anything, he’d expected Toyoguchi to just try with simple conversation, but apparently it comes with beer, too. To be fair, Taichi might be in need of new friends around him, so this might be a good thing. He’s yet to give Toyoguchi a fair chance; and who knows, he might be someone Taichi could enjoy hanging out with.

“Yeah, sure,” he says, shrugging. “You got a place in mind?”

Toyoguchi smiles, tapping his cigarette with an index finger. “Sure I do. Not too big, there’ll be happy hour right around the time we arrive, and they’ve got a good selection of beer, too.”

Wow, this guy’s turning out better than Taichi originally thought. Maybe there really is something about getting to know people before making assumptions about them. In the past, Taichi has been really good at taking for granted that some people are a certain way before he’s gotten to know them—and in most cases, he hasn’t bothered—but maybe it’s about time he changed that about himself.

“Sounds good, then.”

The conversation dies out, but the silence that follows isn’t awkward. They finish their cigarettes, and when Taichi has made sure his is properly put out, he stretches his back, and turns to go back to work.

“Should probably head back inside,” Taichi mutters. “Might get my ass kicked if I don’t get back to work soon.”

Toyoguchi laughs humourlessly. “Yeah, I know what you mean. I’ll be right behind you.”

He’s not the only one who hates working at the restaurant, but Taichi still, somehow, manages to take the brunt of the management’s frustration. Maybe it’s because he refuses to take their shit, refuses to let them completely run him over. It’s tricky, balancing between keeping his job and his dignity, and he’s surprised he’s made it this long without losing one of them, or even both.

When the kitchen closes, Taichi, a few of the waiting staff including Toyoguchi, and the kitchen staff all stay to clean up before they close the place and head home for the night. In the beginning when Taichi worked at the restaurant, his feet were aching at the end of the shift, and he struggled walking normally back home. Now, he’s gotten used to it, but he doesn’t see it as much of a good thing, as he didn’t want to have to get used to something like this.

Taichi finishes getting changed into his casual clothing before Toyoguchi does, so he heads out the front door to wait. The sun has almost set, but it’s still warm outside, and there’s a lot of people out and about, probably going for a drink like Taichi and Toyoguchi are. While waiting, Taichi checks his phone, but there aren’t any new messages or missed calls. The last time he’d talked to Sumire, she’d only called him to let him know she wired some money to his account to pay for the almost overdue rent, and other necessities. She didn’t say if she was coming back home, but Taichi wasn’t expecting her to, either.

In a way, he kind of likes living alone. It’s nice, makes him feel like a proper adult, but sometimes it does get a bit lonely. Especially whenever Taichi goes to collect mail and finds there’s a letter or two addressed to a Uehara Sumire who supposedly lives there, too.

“Hey, thanks for waiting,” Toyoguchi says behind Taichi, who turns to face him. _What was I supposed to do, go ahead to a place I’ve never been to before?_ he thinks to himself.

It’s funny how quickly and easily Toyoguchi loosens up after work; it’s almost comical. In a way, though, Taichi understands it, considering the tense atmosphere constantly lingering in the air at the restaurant that probably makes everyone behave differently whether they do it consciously or not. Taichi finds himself liking Toyoguchi more like this than at work, and he’s relieved it wasn’t the other way around.

Toyoguchi, who really wants them both to be on a first-name basis and for Taichi to call him Satoru, takes him to a little izakaya a few minutes outside the city centre. There aren’t a lot of people fighting for tables, the prices are fair, and Taichi likes the atmosphere enough to want to come back more than once.

“Good thing it’s finally Friday, huh.”

Taichi rolls his eyes, smiling a little. “You don’t say. I’m really glad I don’t work weekends, and actually get those two days off.”

“Me too. I’ve actually been thinking about quitting for a while now. I mean, should’ve probably quit a long time ago, but I just kept putting it off.”

 _This guy has options_ , Taichi thinks sarcastically to himself. “Oh, yeah?”

“Uh-huh. I know a guy who can get me a proper job at an accounting firm, and honestly, anything would be better than that restaurant. So I’m gonna take it, and leave at the end of the month.”

Taichi really wishes he had those kind of contacts, but he really doesn’t. He’s in very sporadic contact with his friends from university, but since most of them are in the art field like he would be had he not chosen the restaurant instead for financial reasons, he’s basically out of options. If only he’d been more of a social butterfly like Satoru, then maybe he’d be able to leave this shitty job soon, too.

The thought of asking Satoru crosses his mind, but Taichi quickly swats it away. It’d feel dirty and embarrassing to ask a co-worker to use his contacts to help Taichi get a new job when he really should be able to do it himself. And besides, there’s no guarantee this contact of Satoru’s would be able to get _another_ job for a guy he doesn’t even know.

Satoru and Taichi start talking, getting to know each other, and Taichi thinks Satoru’s a pretty decent guy he enjoys hanging out with. A year older than Taichi, Satoru quit university due to a lack of interest, and he’s been working various jobs since then, from convenience stores to restaurants. Without a degree, he can’t get jobs that require one, and he has to get jobs where not much experience is needed, too. Suddenly, Taichi’s very glad he at least _has_ a degree, even though it might not be useful everywhere. It probably looks better on paper that he at least completed his university studies.

“Hey, you want another beer?” Satoru asks, cocking his head in the direction of the bar.

Taichi nods, and Satoru disappears off to the bar to get them their drinks. Meanwhile, Taichi takes the time to survey his surroundings. The décor seems to be 80’s-inspired, a decade Taichi only experienced four years of, but one that he’d still recognise from miles away, be it audio or visual, like interior design. There’s even a jukebox in the corner, one which gets a lot of use from people who often walk up to change the song playing.

It’s embarrassing how little Taichi knows of the city life in Sendai, but he hadn’t had much of a chance experiencing it before studying for three years at university—following his graduation, he was finally able to start living his life as a proper adSult. And maybe now’s the time he should be doing things like these: hanging out with people at bars after work on a Friday, going out for coffee on an afternoon when he isn’t working the occasional lunch service.

“This seat taken?” he hears next to him, and Taichi turns to see a guy standing next to his and Satoru’s table. Only then does Taichi realise Satoru’s been gone for longer than it should take for him to buy two beers, and when he looks over to the bar, he sees Satoru very obviously flirting with a woman who’s probably more than just a few years older than him. She seems to be taking the bait, though, which is the most surprising part.

“No,” Taichi says, and the man sits down with a beer of his own.

“I noticed your friend abandoned you,” the stranger says. “And I thought maybe you wanted some company.”

‘Wanted’ is a phrase Taichi probably wouldn’t use, but he’s not going to argue. Instead, he lets the man lead the conversation, wanting to see where it goes. He’s already pretty sure where it’s going, but he finds the man intriguing enough to let it take the time it needs.

The man in front of Taichi looks like any businessman you’d see on the streets, except he’s actually handsome, and he isn’t wearing a suit. So maybe he _isn’t_ a businessman, but at least he’s well-dressed, has a decent haircut, and probably has money.

When his thoughts spell out the word ‘money’, it clicks in Taichi’s head. A smile tugs at the corners of his lips, he narrows his eyes a little, and leans forward on the table between him and Mystery Man. Screw working at the restaurant; if he can get inside this man’s underwear and his wallet, Taichi probably doesn’t _need_ a job. The man seems gullible enough to let him, so Taichi continues playing his game.

As he’d both hoped and expected, the two of them end up going home together, to Mystery Man’s place. His apartment is a whole lot bigger than Taichi’s is, and he’s even sharing his with his mother. Or he’s _supposed_ to be sharing it, at least. But this guy quite obviously lives alone considering the one towel hanger in the bathroom next to one labelled ‘guest’, the bachelor-y décor of the place, and the general vibe Mystery Man gives off.

Talk about hitting the jackpot on the first spin.

Even when they’re in bed and Taichi’s clawing at the sheets underneath him, he doesn’t know Mystery Man’s name, and vice versa. He kind of likes it like that: no strings attached, no names, no information, just sex.

… that is, until the next morning when Taichi wakes up to find the man’s business card on the nightstand next to his side of the bed. What’s listed is the company, job title and, obviously, name of the guy he’d been fucked by the night before, and Taichi sighs now that the short-lived mystery is over.

“Higuchi Ryuuhei, huh,” Taichi mumbles to himself before turning over in bed, yawning.

 

* * *

 

Taichi sees Ryuuhei again the next week. At first, they only meet up for sex, but as weeks go on, Ryuuhei suggests they get serious, start dating. Taichi doesn’t mind; he likes the stability that comes with it, not to mention the benefits of getting to practically live at Ryuuhei’s apartment as a result of their relationship.

Ryuuhei lives closer to the restaurant than Taichi does, which is just another plus. Sometimes, though, Taichi misses the peace and quiet he got while living at his own apartment, so he goes back every now and then, so they can have some space.

That doesn’t last very long.

As time goes on, and as Taichi falls deeper and deeper in love, Ryuuhei starts showing more signs of possessiveness. But as Taichi _does_ fall deeper in love, he fails to see the signs. Instead, he sees it as something that happens in every relationship. That it’s natural for people to get a little possessive, since Ryuuhei actually has something to lose now that they’re in a relationship. And Taichi sort of gets the sentiment of not wanting to lose something once he’s finally managed to get it.

At the end of 2007 close to Christmas, Ryuuhei and Taichi lie in bed one evening, and Ryuuhei makes a proposal Taichi finds really tempting.

“I can’t believe you’re still working at that restaurant. Hasn’t it driven you mad already?”

Taichi shrugs. “I lost my mind a long time ago working there. But I started working there since I needed the money to help around at home.”

“Well, you don’t need that anymore, do you? How long has it been since you saw your mother?”

Never mind seeing her, Taichi hasn’t _heard_ from his mother in months. Nothing. All he knows is that she’s paid the bills every month and occasionally sends him money to his bank account, but there are no messages attached to her deposits.

“Fair point,” Taichi sighs. “So, what do you suggest I do instead? I can’t get a job anywhere else, unless I get really lucky, or go back into art.”

Ryuuhei hums. “Do you _want_ to work with art? It’s not very lucrative, especially at the beginning of a career. But, if that’s what you want to do…”

His words stop there, but Ryuuhei really doesn’t need to say anything else. Taichi really shot himself in the foot when choosing to study art, because he can’t work in said field and hope to pay his rent, bills, and keep food on the table for himself unless he keeps at it for a while. And who knows just how long he’ll have to keep going until he can properly sustain himself. There are quite a few possibilities, but many of those options require further studies that Taichi can’t afford, nor does he have the interest in continuing to study.

“I don’t know what I want to do. I wish I did, but I don’t. I know I can’t keep going like this, but I haven’t figured out what I want to do with my life yet.”

The duvet rustles lightly, as Ryuuhei shifts in bed. “I have a suggestion, then. A job where you can put your skills to use, and I’m not talking about your art degree.”

It’s a job that definitely puts Taichi’s ‘skills’ to use, skills he’s only developed in the past year or so. He’s posing as a psychic, a person who claims he can talk to dead people, communicate with them. In the beginning, the idea is beyond absurd to him. How on earth is he going to fool people into thinking he can actually talk to ghosts? Do people _believe_ in stuff like that?

Turns out, they do. It both surprises and scares Taichi how much people believe that there are spirits lingering after the death of their loved ones, and how desperate they are to know about said loved ones. Did they suffer, are they happy where they are now, did it hurt to die, what happened to them when they died? The questions are endless, and Taichi quickly learns to see a pattern. Hell, people don’t even have to be _dead_ for Taichi to be able to claim he can sense their whereabouts. People who are desperate enough will believe just about anything.

Through Ryuuhei, he also gets in contact with people in, what is apparently called, the underground. People working as sex workers, scammers not very different from Taichi, gang criminals selling drugs. And from these people, Taichi gets to know all the information, and then some, that he then gets a use out of through his job. Many sex workers come to him wanting to know information about their kidnapped and/or possibly deceased family members or significant others.

In the time he spends getting used to his new ‘job’, Taichi often gets contacted by Satoru. He leaves text messages, and calls a lot, but Taichi never picks up. He isn’t _allowed_ to pick up, because Ryuuhei tells him it can be risky, that Taichi can be found out and arrested by the police should Satoru rat on him. He’s tried to argue with Ryuuhei that Satoru wouldn’t do such a thing, but Ryuuhei saw through him immediately. Of course he wouldn’t be able to know that; he barely even knew the guy. And the last time Taichi saw Satoru, he’d been at the bar trying to hook up with a woman, while Taichi himself tried, and succeeded in, hooking up with a man who came to sit down at his table.

As weeks turn into months and almost a year, Taichi has come to realise the true nature of his and Ryuuhei’s relationship. But at that point, he’s in too deep, and he’s scared that he’ll be severely beaten up should he try to leave Ryuuhei. He’s already been hit and kicked a few times, and doesn’t dare think about what would happen should he try to leave.

Taichi misses Sumire. As bad of a mother as she’d become near the end when she straight up abandoned him for what Taichi assumes is a man, she _is_ his mother. He has no idea where she is, and while he can fool others, there’s no way in hell he can fool himself into thinking he knows Sumire is alive and well. For all he knows, she could be dead. Maybe she even left Sendai after she stopped coming by the apartment, maybe she ended up halfway across the country.

What Taichi wouldn’t do or sacrifice to be able to go back in time. To a time before his father died, to a time where things were still good, when they were happy. This isn’t what he wanted for himself. He only wishes he hadn’t targeted a man just because he looked wealthy—Taichi should’ve really waited for just a _little_ bit longer to see what his gut feeling would tell him. (He already knows what it’d tell him.)

He wonders, since he clearly isn’t good at reading people when it comes to himself and his own life, how the hell he’s able to pull off working as a fake psychic and doing the exact same thing on other people that he should be doing on himself, _for_ himself.

 

* * *

 

 **FEBRUARY 2009**.

 

He knows it’s dumb to ask, because if Taichi himself hasn’t heard anything, then it’s unlikely Shizuka has some information Taichi doesn’t. It’s some kind of stupid hope mixed with growing desperation that maybe he _has_ missed out on something, that makes Taichi call out to Shizuka.

“Hey, Shizu. Anything new?”

Shizuka turns to Taichi, and then stomps out her cigarette. “Nothing. I was going to say ‘fortunately’, which… well, it _is_ fortunate that nothing bad seems to have happened yesterday or today, or we would’ve heard about it. It’s just unfortunate for _you_.”

“Nothing you can do about it,” Taichi says, shrugging. “I can always improvise. And I might not even _need_ that kind of info, depending on the client.”

“I guess so. Good luck, okay?”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

It turns out that this February day is the worst Taichi’s ever experienced in terms of money-making. He moves to different areas of the red-line district hoping he’ll come across people who haven’t found him yet, but to no avail. Why today, of all days? What’s so special about today that people don’t need his help? He’s working in the red-line district, home to legal prostitution and other, though well-hidden and illegal, activities. There’s plenty of people around there who normally come to him for help and advice, but not today.

Several times when work has been slow, Taichi has considered looking for clients in the blue-line district over in the Izumi ward. There’s a big risk he’d be taking in going to a place where _everything_ going on is illegal and straight up dangerous even to people who aren’t involved. Police only visit the area occasionally, having mostly given up a long time ago since they probably realised there’s no stopping criminal activity in Sendai no matter what they do. So, since Taichi himself isn’t making a living legally, he can’t turn to the police should something happen to him there.

“Hey, Taichi.”

The sound of Shizuka’s voice returning sends a spark of hope through Haruka as he turns to face her. “Yeah?”

“How’s work going?”

 _Oh_.

“Probably the worst day yet,” he says, and laughs humourlessly. “So far today, I’ve had two clients.”

“Taichi…”

Taichi shrugs. “I’m seriously considering robbing a bank or something, so I can have money to take home to Ryuuhei. But, uh… that’s probably not a smart idea.”

Shizuka frowns a little, and Taichi already knows what she’s going to ask. “Hey… will you be okay?”

At this point, Shizuka should really know the answer to that question without needing Taichi to lie to her. Maybe she keeps asking in the hopes that he’ll one day tell her the truth instead of repeating the same answer over and over like a scratched record.

“I will,” he says, again. “Don’t worry.”

But Taichi worries. He takes a detour home, as he always does on slow days. This is the slowest of those kinds of days, and Taichi almost considers jumping off a bridge. He could just say that someone threw him off said bridge as revenge for some bad news Taichi could’ve told them. The thought is tempting, and frightening. Taichi doesn’t want to die. He may not want to live, not like this, but he doesn’t want to die. Not yet.

He expects it, but it hurts anyway. _God_ , it hurts. Ryuuhei yells, throws stuff around him, some of which hits Taichi most definitely on purpose, he kicks Taichi, takes a fistful of Taichi’s hair in his hand and slams Taichi’s head into the wall. Once. Twice. Three times. Taichi’s vision blurs, and he feels like Ryuuhei is becoming more distant, physically. As if Ryuuhei is walking away from him, but he’s right there, he’s there, and he isn’t going to stop until he’s satisfied.

And Taichi doesn’t dare think about what exactly that means.

Over and over, Ryuuhei asks questions he should know by now that Taichi won’t be able to answer. And even if Taichi _does_ answer, nothing he says will be satisfactory to Ryuuhei’s ears. Why are you so fucking useless, why can’t you just do what I’ve taught you to do, what’s so difficult about tricking idiots in the goddamn red-line district where there’s only idiots roaming about anyway?

The last question in particular makes Taichi enraged; he _knows_ people there, he knows Shizuka, he knows the girls working there, and they’re anything but idiots. They _have_ to be smart and quick-thinking to survive in the environment they’re in. If anything, they’re a hell of a lot more intelligent than the buffoon Taichi managed to snatch thinking he’d use the man for money. In the end, his plan backfired in the worst way possible, and he might end up dying as a result of his stupid mistake.

“Fucking _answer_ me, you piece of shit!”

Taichi barely has time to open his mouth before Ryuuhei’s fist collides with his nose and cheekbone. The sound of his nose cracking makes Taichi flinch, and then he feels the pain blooming all over his face.

“You dare look away from me when I’m talking to you?!” Ryuuhei yells when Taichi reacts to the punch by bending down, already seeing blood dripping down in his lap. Suddenly, he’s shoved onto his back on the floor, and Ryuuhei sits on top of his chest to keep Taichi from moving. As if he really could, at this point, with the state his entire goddamn body is in.

Amidst all of this, funnily enough with a broken nose, heavily bruised ribs, a possibly broken cheekbone, and various other damages he doesn't want to think about, Taichi has the time and strength to think about how fucking dumb he was to honestly think he'd be able to scam a man like Ryuuhei. He should've seen it the instant he laid eyes on Ryuuhei, or rather, when Ryuuhei honed in on  _him_. Why would he? Why would Ryuuhei go for Taichi, of all people, if not for the sake of his ulterior, dirty, motives? Why, if not because he planned on making the idiot think they were dating when in reality the poor man would just be used as a slave? Taichi didn't just magically develop his good instinct when Ryuuhei forced him to work as a fake psychic, he's been like this for as long as he can remember. Sure, he may have gotten  _better_ at reading people and situations through this job, but it wasn't born out of it.

Ryuuhei presses down so hard with his kneecaps on Taichi's chest that Taichi's finding it hard to breathe. He sees Ryuuhei's lips moving, but he doesn't hear what's being said. It doesn't matter, he knows that, because everything Ryuuhei says right now most likely has to do with how much he hates Taichi, how worthless he thinks Taichi is, how he's going to 'fucking kill' Taichi… it's always the same. He always says the same stuff, but never before has he been this violent.

Maybe he's planning on killing Taichi  _now_.

Taichi doesn't have time to react to his fight or flight response, as he suddenly loses consciousness. The last thing he remembers is Ryuuhei screaming death threats into his ear, and when he next comes to, it’s completely silent around him, and he’s all alone. Harsh, cold fluorescent light shines above him, and Taichi squints to adjust to the light, looking around him. Talk about a change so drastic it should’ve given him whiplash.

He’s in a bed, lying on a mattress that’s a little too firm for his taste, and there’s a cheap nightstand to his left, as well as a chair by the side of his bed. What catches his eye and makes his blood freeze in his veins is seeing the IV-bag hanging on a stand to his right, from which a hose leads right to a needle stuck in his arm.

He’s in a hospital room.

“What the _fuck_ ,” he says as the panic sets in. He can barely move as his entire body is aching, and upon further inspection, he also notices he's bandaged basically from his head down to his waist. Only then does he remember just what happened, realising  _that's_ probably why he's like this. But how? How the hell is he in a hospital room following what happened? The only other person who would know Taichi needed to get to a hospital would be Ryuuhei, but why would  _he_ call an ambulance if he was the one who inflicted the damage himself? It doesn't make sense, and not knowing how the hell he's there makes Taichi panic even more.

Uselessly, he pats himself down underneath the blanket in search of a phone he won’t find there, but then Taichi finds it right next to him on the nightstand. His fingers clumsily, shakily, dial Shizuka’s number, and with his heart still in his throat, Taichi whisper-chants to himself, ’ _pick up, pick up, pick up_ ’. It probably takes less time than he thinks it does, but every second feels like a minute to Taichi who has no goddamn clue as to how he ended up in a hospital in the first place. He knows  _why_ he would be, considering the beating he'd taken courtesy of Ryuuhei, but as for who, he has no idea.

“ _Taichi_ ,” Shizuka breathes, and she sounds relieved. “ _Oh god, I’ve been so worried! Which hospital are you at?!_ ”

How does she know he’s at a hospital?

“How… do you know…?”

“ _Because I called the fucking ambulance, you dipshit! I went to your place after work, and by that point, the fucker you live with had already escaped. Where are you?_ ”

Shizuka saved his life. Taichi swallows hard, and he clenches a fist, hard enough for his nails to almost dig into his skin. He looks around him on the walls to get more specific information, and thankfully, there’s a poster about vaccination that, at the bottom, tells him where he is. “Matsuda.”

“ _Shit. Shit, Taichi, I… I shouldn’t have let you go home. I’m so sorry, Taichi_.”

He frowns to himself. “This wasn’t your fault, Shizu, so stop apologising.”

“ _I still feel bad. I knew it was going to happen, but_ —”

“You didn’t know I was gonna end up in the hospital, Shizuka. This is literally the first time I have because of him.”

“ _Will it be the last, though?! God, Taichi, stop acting like this isn’t really fucking bad!_ ”

Taichi knows it won’t be the last time Ryuuhei lays a hand on him, even if Ryuuhei found out that he’d put Taichi in the hospital. If anything, that might just make Ryuuhei even more proud of himself, this whole incident only feeding his ego. Taichi can't help but wonder if Ryuuhei actually knew when to stop. If he wanted to kill Taichi, he would've done so right then and there. What stopped him? Maybe he got interrupted?

“… _I’ll come see you, alright? I’m coming over as fast as I can._ ”

He doesn’t have time to say anything else, because Shizuka hangs up as soon as she finishes her sentence. With a sigh, Taichi leans back in bed, and only then realises how much it hurts to both breathe and move. Ryuuhei must’ve really done a number on him this time, because Taichi’s body has never ached this much following abuse.

A nurse walks in after a few minutes of Taichi being to himself again, and she’s soon joined by two police officers. The sight of them makes Taichi’s heart race in his chest again, but he tries his best to not let it show how nervous he is. What the hell are the  _police_ doing there?

“Uehara Taichi?” one of them ask him; a taller man with a stoic expression on a face with knife-sharp features and a cold stare.

“Yeah.”

“We got called here since the hospital staff tending to you were worried about the injuries you were brought here with. And we have a few questions that we’d like to ask you. Is that okay?”

What are they gonna do if he says no, accept it and walk right back out that door? Taichi knows he’s got no choice but to talk to the police. But that doesn’t mean he can tell them the truth, either. If he does, Ryuuhei will definitely find out since that would most likely end up with him getting arrested, and once Ryuuhei were to get out of jail, he’d make sure Taichi _wouldn’t_ wake up afterwards.

One of the police officers ask questions, and the other writes everything down that’s being said. After readjusting Taichi’s IV-needle, the nurse just sits there, and glances at Taichi with pity in her eyes. It pisses him off, and he’s tempted to bark at her to get the fuck out if all she’s gonna do is sit there and be useless. Having more people around him really doesn't help calm his nerves, even a nurse who just sits there doing less than nothing.

“I hadn’t been home long,” Taichi says, constructing his lie as he speaks. “Then two people broke in, proceeding to assault me. I don’t know why, but I assume it was a robbery.”

He sarcastically thanks Ryuuhei in his mind for thrashing their place when beating the shit out of him, because that only helps make Taichi's story about a break-in and robbery more credible.

“Did you see their faces?”

Taichi resists a laugh. What stupid jackass would break into someone’s home, beat them up, and not even bother to cover their face? It would be a person literally begging to be sent to jail, and while Taichi hasn’t been involved in criminal doings for _too_ long, he has yet to meet someone lacking that many brain cells. He assumes these two police officers got their licences in their cereal boxes along with a toy for their kids.

“No, they wore masks.”

They continue to bombard him with questions, and in the middle of it, Taichi wonders to himself what’s taking Shizuka so long to get there. But then he realises that, if she’s there right then, she’s most definitely standing outside, waiting for the police to leave before entering. He knows Shizuka would _want_ to barge in, and likewise, Shizuka definitely knows Taichi wouldn’t want her to in a situation like this.

The police officers thank him for his time after the questioning, preparing to leave with the nurse in tow. Taichi already knows that this investigation of theirs is going to be put on the shelf almost immediately since they have basically nothing to go on. And it’s only for the best, really, at least in terms of Taichi getting to stay alive, if just for a little bit longer.

A minute passes, and then Shizuka practically breaks down the door as she barges in. She lands on her knees right by Taichi’s bed, taking his hand, and sobbing while tightly holding onto it.

“You liar,” she sniffles. “You fucking _liar_.”

“What’d I lie about?”

“You said you’d be okay! And now you’re here, Taichi! You’re in a hospital with a broken fucking face and body after Ryuuhei nearly beat you to death, and… you…”

She doesn’t finish her sentence, but she doesn’t need to, either. As Shizuka cries with her head in his lap, Taichi just pats her head in silence until she calms down. Then, he finally tells her what he hadn’t been able to say during their phone call.

“Shizuka… thank you.”

“For what?” she asks, wiping the tears off her face.

“For saving my life. I owe it to you.”

Strangely, Shizuka laughs despite her tears. “I don’t want it, idiot. Keep it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Regarding the use of the term "red-line/blue-line district" in this fic: Compared to the "traditional" red-light districts of other countries, the Japanese equivalents are referred to as red- and blue- **line** districts (aka-sen [赤線]/ao-sen [青線]). The difference between the two is that the red-line districts are state-regulated, whereas the blue ones aren't, and are therefore illegal.
> 
> Nowadays, these districts aren't around in Japan anymore, but the sex industry definitely is - if you run a so-called "soapland" or "fashion health" establishment, you have to file a licence application for permission to abide by the sex industry law to remain in operation. But that's another story.


	7. don't get stuck on a dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A change occurs in the Nanase/Shigino house, and Taichi is set free.

**APRIL 2013**.

 

“God this feels nice. I almost feel like a new person.”

Haruka snort-laughs. “It’s just spring, Kis.”

“It’s not ‘just’ spring,” Kisumi protests, stretching his legs out. “It’s a sign of all things coming back to life and the snow melting away for a long, long time. That’s a big deal.”

He can’t deny it, though: with the arrival of spring, Haruka kind of feels like how Kisumi describes himself. He hates winter with a passion, and he loves it when the season dies out to be replaced by something warmer, and brighter. Birds chirp outside their windows in the mornings now that it isn’t too cold for them to stick around, and at least Haruka thinks it’s nice. Kisumi thinks it’s one of the bad things about spring since he likes to sleep in.

“Fine, it’s _sort_ of a big deal,” Haruka acknowledges. “It happens every year, and I just don’t think of it the way you do.”

Because to Haruka, in the past, things were always the same. When Tooru was still alive, when he lived alone with Sumire, after she stopped living at the apartment and disappeared, when he met Ryuuhei… He never paid attention to time passing, because he never got the feeling it did. Not until a year or so into his relationship with Ryuuhei did Taichi stop to wonder how the hell things turned out that way, and _when_ it happened.

Time finally started moving for Taichi the second he died, and after that, Haruka’s been able to truly appreciate and fear the progression of time.

“But now you can,” Kisumi replies, and he smiles while turning to looking out into the distance.

“Now,” Haruka says as he gets up, laying his arms around Kisumi’s shoulders, “isn’t it about time we go back inside? It’s the _beginning_ of spring, after all; it’s still pretty fucking cold outside. And I need something more effective than a blanket to warm me up.”

Kisumi turns his head to the side, grinning. “Oh, I’m being demoted from ‘someone’ to ‘something’ now? That’s not very nice of you, Haru.”

“Are you coming or not?” Haruka asks impatiently, letting go. Kisumi doesn’t answer until Haruka’s walked all the way inside, on his way up the stairs.

“Depends on how you’ll perform!”

 

* * *

 

He’s felt it for a while, but Haruka hasn’t been willing to admit that things are changing between him and Kisumi. And not just between them, but in Kisumi himself— _Kisumi_ is changing. Whether the change is good or bad depends on the person asked, but if Haruka were to answer the question, he isn’t too sure what he’d say. He’s scared of change, since change usually meant something bad in his past, and even now, the fact that he can never tell beforehand whether it’ll be good or bad is what automatically makes him fear it.

“Kis… are you awake?”

Kisumi hums an affirmative response, and Haruka almost doesn’t believe him, but then Kisumi nudges him in the side. “Why?”

He knows he can’t dwell on it forever; it’s unfair to the both of them to avoid resolving things on purpose. So Haruka makes a decision, and climbs atop Kisumi before he changes his mind again.

Kisumi looks at him, but he doesn’t attempt to make Haruka get off of him. Haruka moves in closer, lets their noses touch. It’s further confirmed for himself when Haruka doesn’t feel what he’s heard you’re supposed to feel in situations like these; he doesn’t feel his heart beat faster—in fact, he doesn’t feel anything different from what he usually feels around Kisumi. When he notices Kisumi isn’t making an effort to reciprocate, Haruka stops moving closer. He looks right into Kisumi’s eyes, and Kisumi looks back, his expression blank.

“We’re not like this, are we?” Haruka asks. “Dating, I mean.”

Kisumi regards Haruka for a moment, then sighs through his nose. He reaches out a hand to put on the back of Haruka’s head, so their foreheads can touch. “No. I think you know, as well as I do, that this… thing between us, was never romantic. Not for you, and not for me.” Kisumi smiles, and his smile is a little sad, almost, but he doesn’t look like he’s going to regret his words. “We’re just… strangers who became good friends due to unfortunate circumstances, and we had great sex. But it wasn’t romantic, no.”

Haruka wants to object, but as he opens his mouth to do so, he can’t. Because he knows Kisumi is right, of course; he’s lost his perception of love long since, and he realised not too long ago that he’s confused Kisumi’s generosity and kindness for romantic feelings. Thus, he thought his own feelings for Kisumi were the same, because it would make sense. But it _doesn’t_ make sense, because as great of a guy as Kisumi is, Haruka doesn’t love him that way. Haruka loves Kisumi the way he imagines people love their closest friends, or even family. Maybe Kisumi is more like a brother to him than a potential romantic partner.

Kisumi has his own troubled past that left him scarred even when it comes to romantic relationships, and maybe he just isn’t ready to get into something romantic yet. All Haruka knows is that they at least learnt to trust again, thanks to each other, and it’s a good start. He wouldn’t say they’ve been _using_ each other; it’s just that both people involved needed to learn how to stand on their own again, and what better than to get better as individuals, together?

“Besides… I don’t think you and I should date. It’s nothing personal, it’s just…” Kisumi stops halfway through, uttering small noises of annoyance as he seemingly can’t find the right words to say. “I would never wanna ruin what you and I have, Haru. Romance risks a lot of things, and if that romance is lost along the way, we might lose everything. And I don’t want that, not with you. I finally found someone worth keeping in my life, someone I’m gladly willing to trust with my entire life on the line. You know?”

Kisumi both sounds and looks like he doesn’t think Haruka _will_ understand, but Haruka sort of does.

“Yeah, I get that. And you put into words exactly how I feel about it, too. I guess I was just confused, because at times… I thought that maybe we were sort of dating. We live together, we have sex, you’re nice to me—”

“—which is pretty much what a romantic relationship is, don’t get me wrong,” Kisumi interrupts. “But like I said, I don’t think we should let things go further down that road. Things are great the way they are… but maybe we should establish some things first.”

Haruka doesn’t feel heartbroken, nor does he feel upset in any way. He actually feels relieved, which is something he didn’t think was possible after learning he and Kisumi aren’t ever going to be more than this. But they don’t have to be, because Haruka and Kisumi are probably closer than many romantic couples are thanks to what they’ve been through and their similar backgrounds, and Haruka knows Kisumi is right in saying they don’t need to risk or change anything of what they already have.

“Establish what things?” he asks instead, as he lies down next to Kisumi in bed.

“Well, like the fact that we aren’t dating, and that it’s okay for us to… date people. I was going to say ‘date others’ but… god, this really _is_ more complicated than it should be.”

Haruka shakes his head. “Maybe it’s okay things are a little complicated. We don’t need answers for everything. But I get what you mean.”

“Thanks, Haru.” Kisumi laughs. “I guess things just weren’t meant to be easy for you and me. I’m just glad we got that out of the way, that you were braver than me and brought this up.”

Haruka’s glad he found the courage to bring it up, too, because things feel a lot better now that they’ve talked. Screw Ryuuhei for making Taichi scared of confrontations and conflicts. Haruka’s learning now that it isn’t so bad, that it’s actually a lot better to grab the bull by its horns instead of letting himself get impaled by them. That way, he gets to see what happens next, he gets to move forward. If he instead runs away, he’ll never find out what could’ve been.

“I am, too,” Haruka says.

Kisumi smiles a little, but he takes his eyes off Haruka to lie on his back, and look up at the ceiling instead. “You probably knew this was coming, but I’m planning on moving out. I’ve already stayed here too long, and it was really only thanks to you. Still… you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, and I’m too used to not rooting myself anywhere.”

“Yeah, I knew. While it won’t make me too happy, I still understand your reason, and I accept it.”

Now Kisumi laughs. “You really are too kind, Haru. And here I’m being an asshole by leaving you with a house you definitely won’t be able to pay for by yourself. I owe it to you to still help pay with rent, if even just a little less than what I’m paying now.”

Haruka frowns, and he sits up in bed, facing Kisumi. “Are you an idiot? So you’re gonna pay your own rent and part of mine?”

“That’s only fair.”

“That’s _stupid_ , Kis. No, you’re not gonna pay anything for this house after you move. I need to get a smaller place for myself, anyway.”

Kisumi turns his head and looks at Haruka again, and he looks like Haruka had just offended his entire bloodline. “But you love this house.”

“I do, but not _that_ much. Don’t worry about it, Kisumi. Okay?”

Kisumi makes a protesting noise as his words die in his throat before they can make their way past his lips, and Haruka lies back down, considering himself the winner of that argument. If Kisumi thinks _Haruka_ is the one being too nice, he clearly doesn’t consider the fact that he’d just offered to pay half of Haruka’s rent alongside the one he’ll pay for himself once he moves into his own place.

Maybe that’s just stupidity, though.

And even though Kisumi is planning on moving out, things won’t change between them other than the fact that they won’t be living together anymore. But it’s for the best. Kisumi prefers living alone, and it’s good for them to get a little distance after having been so close, almost uncomfortably so, for two years.

Kisumi scoots closer to Haruka, places a hand behind Haruka’s head, and kisses his forehead. “I love you, though; that won’t change.”

Haruka closes his eyes, and he smiles. “I know. I love you, too, Kis.”

 

* * *

 

 

> _you can keep what you want;[i want none of it](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2hBIP0qW3I)_  
>  _they're just bad memories i don't want_
> 
> _you can pack it all up, and be gone_  
>  _and be gone_
> 
> _if you get off your knees, you'll be out on a breeze_  
>  _take a lesson from me: don't get stuck on a dream_

 

 **SEPTEMBER 2011**.

 

All he wants is to die. Anything but this. Anything but having to continue to endure this shit from Ryuuhei, every day, every week. How has he lasted this long, how hasn’t Ryuuhei killed him yet? Accident or not, sometimes Taichi thinks the violence brought upon him should’ve ended his life. Maybe that’s the point. Ryuuhei wants him to _think_ he’ll die, but Taichi won’t die. He can’t run, he can’t escape, he can’t die.

He wonders if Ryuuhei had been the same if he hadn’t started doing drugs. Some idiotic, naïve part of him wants to think that maybe they would’ve had a normal, peaceful relationship had they not resorted to doing the stuff they’re doing today. Once again, Taichi failed to pull someone out of it before it was too late. First, it was Sumire, and then it was Ryuuhei. On the other hand, if things end up the same way with Ryuuhei as they did with Sumire, then maybe there really _is_ a way out for Taichi, after all.

But how long should he have to wait? He’s dealt with this for over two years now, and despite several attempts at running away, they’ve never paid off. Wherever he goes, Ryuuhei will find him.

“You worthless piece of shit,” Ryuuhei snarls. “I don’t know what the fuck it was that I saw in you back then, but it sure as hell isn’t there anymore.”

 _You didn’t see anything in me but a slave_ , Taichi thinks, attempting to catch his breath. The last throw landed his side against the corner of the coffee table, and he can still feel the throbbing pain from the impact. His entire body is aching, and there’s blood dripping both from his nose and his forehead. God, he’s got to look absolutely awful. It’s probably a good thing there isn’t a reflective surface near him right now.

“Who taught you to always try and be such a smartass, huh? Your good-for-nothing mother? Your dead father?”

“Shut _up_ ,” Taichi hisses. “Don’t you dare talk about them like that.”

“Like _what_?” Ryuuhei laughs. “Don’t tell me you’ve suddenly taken a liking to them. You never liked your father, not to mention your mother who _abandoned_ you. What kind of a parent does that to her son? Not a good one. And yet you’re hellbent on defending her? You really are dumber than most.”

What happened to the Ryuuhei whom Taichi met all those years ago? The man who would serve him breakfast in bed, take him out to fancy restaurants on dates, where’d he go? The man currently looming over Taichi is a completely different person, and he almost wonders if he’d ended up with someone else at some point without noticing.

Before Ryuuhei can continue his physical venting, his phone rings in his pocket, almost as if Taichi was saved by the doorbell disguised as a phone call. Ryuuhei clicks his tongue as he looks at who’s calling him.

“Lucky for you, I’ve gotta go take care of this. Well, it isn’t as if you’re gonna be able to go anywhere, so there’s no need to tell you to not go anywhere.”

Taichi watches Ryuuhei leave, slamming the door behind him, and he sees his chance. It doesn’t matter that he’s gonna get caught soon, all Taichi can think about is getting out, getting away. Ryuuhei, the dumb fuck, left his car keys hanging in the hallway like he always does, and while it hurts, Taichi makes his way out there to grab them before Ryuuhei comes back.

He takes his passport, house keys, phone, and wallet with him, before he almost crawls out the door towards the car parked outside. Making sure Ryuuhei isn’t still in the area, Taichi opens the car door, and slips inside. Looking at himself in the rear-view mirror, Taichi quickly wipes away the half-dried blood on his face with the sleeve of his jacket. Then, with shaky hands, he starts the car, and backs out of the parking spot, before driving away from the house. He’s done it so many times before, but every time he’s attempted escaping, it feels different, like a false sense of liberation that’s soon to be overtaken by dread.

Well, the longer he can keep the feeling of dread at bay, the better.

When Taichi’s gotten quite a bit away from their house, he digs a little note out of his wallet. It contains the name, address, and phone number of a guy who can help Taichi basically get a new life. He’d gotten it from one of the sex workers who often comes to him at work; she’d told him to get in contact with the man since ‘he looks like he really needs it’. Sure he does, with all those injuries he always has to lie about, saying he caused them himself.

Fuck Ryuuhei for making Taichi tell others that he brought this upon himself, because that’s as far from the truth as one can come. More than a handful of times, he’s been tempted to just tell people the truth, say that his boyfriend regularly beats him up for no reason whatsoever. But Taichi never knew what could happen if he did, what would happen to _him_ should Ryuuhei get arrested. He has contacts, he has a lot of friends who would be able to do what Ryuuhei did to Taichi, except ten times worse. Maybe then he _wouldn’t_ come out of it alive.

About a week ago, Taichi had called Shigino, asking him to prepare Taichi’s new documents for him. Obviously, at the time, Taichi didn’t have a date when he’d be able to come in and collect them, but Shigino had assured him that it was fine, that he could just come in and get them whenever he had the opportunity. Maybe Shigino’s dealt with cases like these before, where people aren’t able to do whatever they want, whenever they want. And it isn’t as if Taichi can rip Shigino off until he’s actually gotten the documents into his own hands, so it probably doesn’t matter that they’re lying there for a while.

Having gotten further away from the city centre of Sendai, Taichi stops the car. He gets out, and takes the time to admire the scenery spreading out in front of him, as he takes his phone out of his pocket. Hopefully, Shizuka isn’t working right now, but even if she is, Taichi won’t make this phone call last very long.

“ _Hello? Taichi, is that you?_ ”

“Yeah,” he says. “Are you busy?”

“ _Not right now, no. Something up? Did he do something to you again?_ ”

Taichi laughs bitterly. “No surprise, huh. I’m fine, though, or as fine as I could be. I ran away, took his car, and drove off. I think I’m gonna go find that guy you talked about.”

He hears his friend exhale a long breath on the other side of the line, and Shizuka sounds relieved. “ _Good. It’s about time you did as I tell you to._ ”

“What about you? Don’t you want out, too?”

It takes her a while to respond, but when she does, Shizuka sounds… almost sad. “ _I can’t. I can’t leave the other girls behind. I’m the eldest; I should be here to take care of them when shit goes south. Besides, it’s not as bad as what you’re going through. I promise_.”

“You can’t honestly mean that,” Taichi argues. “Then take them with you.”

Before she replies, Taichi knows how dumb of a suggestion that is. Even if Shizuka managed to smuggle all of the girls out of there, they’d be found out quicker than Taichi would be by Ryuuhei. It’s far easier to notice several girls going missing from work than just the one guy, especially when their jobs require them to be there in person, available at all times.

“ _You know I can’t. But you should go. In fact, I’m forcing you to. Now that you’ve made it out of the house and have a car… just go, Taichi._ ”

Taichi sobs before he even realises he’s crying, and he clenches a fist in frustration. “Fuck, Shizu… I can’t believe I’m letting you talk me into this.”

Shizuka laughs, and it makes Taichi even more frustrated. “ _I gave you Shigino’s number because I knew you’d contact him someday. You need this more than I do, okay?_ ”

“… I’m gonna miss you.”

“ _I’ll miss you, too, Taichi. Now go._ ”

He hangs up, and his heart feels heavy. He feels like a traitor for leaving them behind—not just Shizuka, but _all_ of the girls who occasionally, or often, came to him for advice, for help, for some sort of light in the never-ending darkness. But even he knows that, sometimes, these kinds of sacrifices have to be made. All he can do is hope that they’ll get out someday, even if they won’t be able to see each other again.

Taichi drives away, setting course for Shigino Kisumi’s office in Taihaku. It doesn’t take long before Ryuuhei starts calling him, and when Taichi sees the name on his screen, he smiles to himself. He’s in a car, Ryuuhei isn’t. At least not right now, but Taichi figures he has a pretty good head-start. Even so, he can’t ever be too sure Ryuuhei won’t find him, so Taichi has to make it quick. If he’s inside Shigino’s building, he’ll be safe. No matter what Ryuuhei says, threatens with, or does—he can’t get to Taichi there.

At last, when Ryuuhei’s resorted to calling with an unknown caller ID, Taichi picks up, and speaks before Ryuuhei has the chance to.

“I’m not coming back,” he says. “Fuck you.”

“ _That’s my car!_ ” Ryuuhei roars in his ear. “ _Get back here with my car, or I’ll find you and kill you while getting my car back!_ ”

Taichi rolls his eyes, not at all surprised that Ryuuhei is more concerned about his car than about his boyfriend slash slave. “You do that. You’ve had so many chances to kill me so far, why haven’t you?”

 _It’s because I’m useful to you, no matter what you may say_. Ryuuhei doesn’t have anyone else to run his errands for him, not the way Taichi does. Sure, he can threaten someone into doing it, but they won’t be as skilled and experienced as Taichi was forced to become. It took years to get here, and there’s no way Ryuuhei can replace Taichi in the blink of an eye. That, at least, is something Taichi takes pride in. Knowing that he finally exposed a weakness in that so-called boyfriend of his.

“ _Taichi, I swear to god_ —”

Mid-sentence, Ryuuhei stops talking. And it’s no wonder, because the sudden shaking Taichi senses probably isn’t felt just where he is. Even without having experienced it before, Taichi knows it’s an earthquake. He’s got nowhere else to go but to be in his car, because that’s probably the safest place for him to be right now. The rumblings increase in strength, and instinctively, Taichi stomps the brake pedal, for some desperate reason thinking that if he presses it down hard enough, he won't careen off the side of the cliff.

When his, or Ryuuhei’s, car _does_ run off the side and smashes through the guard rail, Taichi knocks his head against the steering wheel due to the impact of the crash. The next time he comes to, the car is miraculously still standing upright, although very beaten up by the fall. Well, if Ryuuhei still wants his car back, he can have it.

 

* * *

 

Taichi didn’t think it was possible to watch himself die. In his nightmares, yes, but not like this. Not by seeing his name on a TV screen showing a list of victims after an earthquake. And yet there he is, ‘dead’ as declared by Sendai’s authorities. Taichi is dead, but he’s never felt more alive than he did in that very moment.

 

*

 

 

> _you will know you're reborn tonight_  
>  _must be ragged, but i stay by your side_  
>  _even if my body's bleached to the bones_  
>  _i don't want to go through that ever[again](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxY_ho260Ho)_


	8. the sendai connection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruka finally takes the risk of talking to Aki about Sendai.

**MARCH 2013**.

 

Haruka’s life starts feeling a lot easier when the snow melts, and the temperatures start climbing again. Not that things have been _difficult_ lately, but getting out of bed when it’s still dark out and it’s cold at all times doesn’t keep him motivated. It’s the same in terms of art; Haruka hasn’t touched his easel much since the end of last year, but feels like his inspiration will return when spring comes.

Kisumi got promoted, and no longer has to be the errand guy at the office. He loves bragging to Haruka about how even he now has people doing things for him.

“Aren’t you starting to get tired of being stuck with the same job for so long?” Kisumi asks Haruka, who shrugs.

“Not really. I have someone fun to work with, and I’ve gotten to know many of the people coming in to buy coffee. It’s just like hanging out with people you know, except you make coffee and bake stuff in between, and you also get paid to do it. It’s pretty great, honestly.”

Kisumi hums, stretching a little where he lies on his back between Haruka’s legs on the couch. “When you put it that way, it sounds fun. I don’t know, I tend to get restless when I’ve been stuck in the same spot for a while.”

“I know.”

Haruka’s always had the impression, but Kisumi’s never said it out loud before. He knows Kisumi probably won’t live with him forever, either, but as much as it would suck having Kisumi move out, Haruka understands him. With how they used to live until moving to Tottori, it isn’t surprising that Kisumi would get nervous or restless by being in the same place for a while. Haruka kind of recognises the feeling: it’s as if they _should_ move around in case something would happen, if someone’s after them. Even though they know that isn’t the case now, that feeling won’t disappear that easily.

When Kisumi sits up, turns around and straddles Haruka, he doesn’t flinch. Kisumi looks him in the eyes, and then moves further down again. Scoots down on his stomach until his face is level with Haruka’s lower region, and Haruka lets Kisumi undress him, suck him off. It helps that it’s Kisumi; their first time being intimate had been scary for the both of them, but it’s gotten easier. It helps knowing that the person they’re with won’t turn into what their exes were like.

Before Kisumi, Haruka had never experienced what it’s like to receive oral sex. He’s only ever given, unless it’s been actual sex and he’s always been forced to be on the receiving end. Surprising, considering Ryuuhei’s nature. But he knows Ryuuhei would rather someone put a bullet in his head than be underneath someone, be it in bed or literally anywhere else.

But like this, Haruka gets to experience a lot of new things that shouldn’t be new to him thanks to Kisumi. Everything from living on his own, working an honest job and making his money, to getting a blowjob on a couch in the house he shares with the guy who gave him the freedom he’s currently enjoying.

Life really is full of surprises.

Kisumi comes back up when he’s done, and he smiles a little. “I’ll never get tired of that. I love the way you react.”

“And pull your hair?”

“That’s _part_ of the whole thing, it doesn’t count. It doesn’t hurt, anyway.” His expression goes serious, all of a sudden, and he sits up straight while Haruka pulls his underwear and sweatpants back up again. “I know it’s different now that you’re Haru, but it’s your biological birthday today, so… happy birthday.”

Haruka frowns a little. “I thought last year was gonna be the only time you’d say that.”

“Sorry, _this_ will be the last.”

“Ha,” Haruka says. “It’s fine, though. Thanks, Kis.”

“I get to do it again in three and a half months, though, which is great. And you _bet_ I’ll celebrate you properly, unlike today when you’ll only get a blowjob.”

Haruka laughs at that.

 

* * *

 

“Hey, Aki. You got time after work?”

Aki looks at Haruka with a slightly surprised expression from where she stands in the kitchenette. “Sure. What’s up?”

To say that he isn’t nervous would be a lie; Haruka’s tried imagining all sorts of scenarios and outcomes of this conversation he knows they need to have, but in the end, he has no idea how things will go. He can hope, but he doesn’t dare.

“There’s just something I need to ask you. Or, well, talk about.”

“This sounds really serious,” Aki says, and now she frowns a little. “Did I do something?”

Haruka puts his hands up, realising his obscure way of talking isn’t helping his case. “No, that’s not it. It’s just… not something I can talk to you in public about. You haven’t done anything wrong, Aki.”

Concern turns into slight relief, and Aki relaxes her shoulders. “Okay. Well, I’ve got a little time after work, that’s fine.”

If _she’s_ nervous, she has no idea how Haruka feels. Maybe he’s wrong, after all, and he’ll have ended up taking this huge risk only for it to end in the worst possible way. He can’t afford to be even a little optimistic about it—it’s a little too serious of a subject for him to try and see anything potentially good about it.

When their shift ends, Haruka and Aki leave the café together, and Haruka tries to regulate his heartbeat while making casual conversation. That’s something he’s always faked being good at in his previous life as Taichi, but now that he’s Haruka and he can be more like himself, Haruka realises how difficult it really is to try and be social in a situation like this.

“Should probably go somewhere a little more secluded,” Haruka says. “Are you okay with my place?”

Aki shrugs. “Yeah, sure.”

The walk over to Haruka and Kisumi’s house is awkward, and the atmosphere feels heavy. Haruka really wants to make casual conversation, but he doesn’t know how to. It was easier when he had to put on a mask for work and scam people for money, because that wasn’t his real self. Now that Haruka can’t hide behind anything, he’s almost scared, because he relied too much on his fake psychic persona in the past that the lack of it now is like someone having stolen an injured person’s crutch.

Aki normally isn’t a quiet person, so it makes Haruka extra nervous now when she isn’t her usual, talkative self. He can’t blame her, though; he’s the one who brought this on, and he wouldn’t know what to do in her shoes, either.

They walk inside, shed their jackets and shoes in the hallway, and Haruka awkwardly asks Aki if she wants anything.

“Nah, I’m good,” she says. “Thanks, though.”

Maybe she just wants to get it over with—Haruka definitely does.

They get seated in the living room, and Haruka knows he really shouldn’t prolong this more than he already has. He steels himself with a deep inhale, clenching his fists in his lap. “I won’t beat around the bush here; I’m not quite sure how to ask you this, how to take this conversation, and while I want this sorted out, I want it done sooner rather than later.”

“Sure.” Aki’s expression is blank, as she probably doesn’t know what to feel. Haruka sighs, steeling himself.

“You know who I am, don’t you?”

Now Aki smiles a little, tilting her head to the side with a quirked eyebrow. “Yeah, Nanase. I do.”

“Aki. You know what I mean, you knew as soon as Sendai came up.”

Haruka knows his reaction was poorly hidden, and that Aki must’ve seen it. He’s had the feeling she knows who he really is since that day, but Aki has learnt, from years of living and working on the streets of Sendai, how to read people. Maybe not like Haruka was forced to, but in her previous line of work, Haruka knows it’s vital to be able to see what kind of people it is you’re dealing with, so you won’t get yourself in trouble for the tiniest mistake made.

Aki’s shoulders sink, and she breaks eye contact, looking at the floor. “You’re right. I didn’t wanna say anything, because at first, I thought that maybe I just _thought_ you were that psychic guy. I mean, you look pretty different from the guy I met back then, which is why I thought that maybe I was just mistaken. And you didn’t seem to recognise me either, so that just made me believe it more.”

“I didn’t at first,” Haruka says. “I got a hunch a while back that I’ve _seen_ you before, but I couldn’t remember where. But then it slowly came together. Why… why did you leave?”

“I was forced to.” Aki shrugs, and she smiles helplessly. “They got me into the witness protection program, forced me to move out of Sendai, and I had to get a completely new identity. It was all after my brother died, and some people came after me because they thought I was going to rat on them to the police now that my brother had been killed. As if.”

“But you still went to the police?”

 _The police who got your brother killed in the first place_ , he thinks, but doesn’t say. God, how he admires Aki’s courage, her luck after having made a stupid, desperate decision, and for managing to get herself out legally.

She laughs humourlessly. “I know how it sounds, but… while they knew I wasn’t earning money legally, they knew I wasn’t part of what my brother was doing. Which I guess was worse than selling myself to strangers for money, somehow. I think they realised I just wanted out of it all. All it took was being chased by my brother’s rivals after his death, and then I was given a new life halfway across Japan.”

Haruka feels bad, knowing it can’t be easy for Aki to enjoy the freedom she’s been given. In his case, Haruka hadn’t had much of a choice since he’d otherwise be a dead man walking. But for Aki, it all happened because her brother was killed. How would anyone be able to be happy about a new life given to them by the authorities, knowing it cost them the life of someone close to them?

“Yeah,” Haruka says, and he sighs. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Hey… what you told me back then was all bogus, right? About how Youhei had regretted not being able to say goodbye?”

Haruka shakes his head. “Half true. I got my information from people all across Sendai; I heard rumours, I heard about familial relationships around town, people close to my future clients would share personal things. I know your brother loved you, and from what people told me, I know he would’ve done anything to protect you, be the last of you to die.”

“Honestly… it sounds like him,” Aki almost whispers, and she exhales a shaky breath. “What you said helped me, though. So thanks.”

He doesn’t feel like he deserves the gratitude Aki shows him, because what he did still wasn’t an act of honesty. Taichi lied his way to money, most of which he didn’t even get to keep for himself, and Haruka’s ashamed of the life he’d been thrown into. Hindsight is an awful thing, because at that point, there’s nothing you can do about it. If Haruka _could_ change anything in his previous life, he’d go back to the time when he’d just met Ryuuhei, tell him to fuck off, and steer Taichi off the path of destruction. Maybe he could’ve patched things up with his mother, given them a chance to try and live a proper life.

“How do you hide all of this from Rin and Sousuke?”

“I was a little scared at first, but… I don’t know, I came up with a story I’ve stuck with. It’s worked so far,” Aki replies with a shrug. “Why do you ask?”

Haruka hums. “To be honest, the reason I hesitated on talking to you about this was because I was scared you might say something to them.”

“God, Nanase,” Aki says, lightly smacking him on the arm. “You think I’d do that to you? _No_ , I’d never tell them, because you’re one of my best friends.”

“I… I know, but I was just being paranoid. I’m sorry.”

Aki laughs. “Stop apologising, Haru. I get that paranoia, though—it’s fine. I mean, when you’re in a situation like the one we’re in, you can never be too sure you’re completely safe.”

Haruka’s debated with himself about whether to tell Aki about how he actually got to Iwatobi or not, wondering how safe the information would be with her. Now that she’s reassured him, Haruka thinks it might be fine if only one other person besides Kisumi knows. Haruka knows Aki’s story, maybe he owes her his now.

“I didn’t get out the way you did,” he admits. “I got illegal help.”

She turns to him, raising her eyebrows. “How?”

 “I was in my ex boyfriend’s car when the earthquake hit. Drove off the road and crashed, was knocked unconscious. But I got real lucky… the car was pretty badly damaged in the crash, but I got out without broken bones, and I didn’t bleed too badly. I panicked, because I’d never experienced an earthquake before, but I’d learnt enough in school about it to know what to do afterwards.”

“… whoa. What the hell, Nanase?! That’s a lot of shit to pack into just a few sentences.”

“Sorry. It’s still… difficult to think of how I’d tell people this. It still mostly feels like a fever dream that never actually happened, but me being here tells me it did.”

Aki shakes her head. “Don’t need to apologise. Honestly, I don’t know how _I’d_ tell it if I’d been in that situation. What did you do?”

“Went to a shelter overnight since I didn’t wanna risk returning back to his place. The next morning, I saw my name on the news, on a list of deceased in the earthquake.”

Aki inhales sharply and leans back. “No.”

“Yes. I was officially declared dead because my wallet containing my entire fucking life was in his car. And I left it behind, along with practically everything else important I owned.”

“ _Fuck_. But how?”

Haruka snorts. “In the state of panic that I was in, and despite what school taught me about earthquakes, I apparently forgot everything I’d learnt from that idiot I was dating. And it cost me my life… sort of. So, I had to get myself a new identity just to _exist_ , or I’d be a dead man walking, and I don’t even want to think about what problems that could’ve caused me.”

He almost ends up saying too much, but thankfully, he stops himself before doing so. Kisumi doesn’t need to be outed; even if Aki won’t tell anyone, that’s Kisumi’s story to tell, and not Haruka’s.

Aki leans back on the couch, letting out a long sigh. “Jesus. I can’t even imagine what that must’ve felt like. It’s like… like you watched yourself _die_.”

“Pretty much. But I actually think it was a good thing.”

“You do?”

Haruka nods. “I had a lot of shit I wanted to get away from before it happened, and then the earthquake kind of did me a favour. Sure, I technically saw myself die, or at least I saw myself _dead_ , but I also got to witness my own rebirth. Which is actually pretty cool to think about.”

For the most part when Haruka thinks back on it, it only makes him uncomfortable. But there are some aspects about Taichi’s death that make him almost impressed, and not because of something he himself has done, but society, nature, and maybe even fate. Taichi got to watch himself die, and be born again as Haruka. He guesses that not a lot of people have had that extreme mix of good and bad luck in their lives.

“So that’s why you look so different. I mean, I still recognise you, but… only a little.”

Haruka smiles. “That’s only a good thing, makes me feel a little safer. I _had_ to change my appearance, as well as my behaviour, speech pattern, personality—everything. Everything that could tell people I was Taichi had to go.”

Aki hums. “Now you see why I thought I was just mistaken in recognising you. You’re so different from him that... Taichi could’ve been your cousin who very unfortunately died in the earthquake. That’s how I feel.”

It reminds Haruka of what Kisumi said, and he has to fight back tears of relief at Aki’s words, and at the relief of the heavy feeling in his chest being lifted. Revisiting his past, although unpleasant, was necessary, and now Haruka’s glad to have it out of the way so they can move on. Not just himself, but Aki, too.

He clears his throat. “That’s a good story I’m willing to go with.”

It suddenly hits him that, if Aki was one of the many prostitutes Haruka helped, who lived in Sendai, it’s very likely she knew—or at least knew _of_ —Shizuka. His heart skips a beat at the thought of his friend, and he hesitantly prepares a question for Aki, careful not to get his hopes up. After all, if Aki left Sendai before Haruka did, that makes Haruka the last one out of the two to talk to Shizuka.

“Did you know Shizuka?”

A hint of sadness flashes across Aki’s facial features, and that’s all Haruka really needs to know. “Of course I did. She was like a mother to all of us; always making sure we were okay, reminding us to get tested regularly… stuff like that.”

“I knew her, too. She was the one who gave me the contact information to the guy who gave me my new documents; we were good friends since I got to know her through work a long time ago.”

“Like with me, then,” Aki says, smiling sadly. “I… really miss her. And the other girls. I still worry about them sometimes, wondering if they were okay in the earthquake, if they made it out before or after, what they’re doing now.”

Many times, Haruka has thought of taking the risk involved in returning to Sendai, if even just for a day. Sometimes he wonders if people would really recognise him after all this time, and with how his appearance has changed so drastically from what it used to be when he lived there. But he knows he can’t ever be too careful, especially if Ryuuhei still lives there. Business flourished for him in Sendai, so Haruka sees no reason for Ryuuhei to leave even following an earthquake. Even though Haruka left, and Ryuuhei now either has to do the dirty work himself, or trick someone else into falling in love with him before making them his slave.

“Me too,” Haruka sighs. “I’d really want to go back, but… I’m scared of running into my ex. He’d definitely kill me if he recognised me.”

Then there’s also Kisumi who would kick Haruka’s ass if he found out Haruka went to Sendai without his permission. Kisumi would never allow it, because that would defeat the purpose of Haruka changing his name and moving _away_ from Sendai in the first place. Kisumi knows Haruka’s history, knows he’d be walking into potential danger by going back, so Haruka would have no choice but to go back without telling Kisumi.

To be honest, coming up with a lie like that is the easiest part of this, because Haruka could just say he’s going literally anywhere else; with Makoto, with Rin, hell—he could probably even say Sousuke and Kisumi would believe him. Haruka can’t say he’ll be going somewhere with Aki since Kisumi knows about her past, too, but again, the hardest part is returning safely and pretending like he hadn’t just gone back to his hometown that he literally ran away from.

“It’s… quite the trip from here to Sendai, but I can go,” Aki says. “I really _want_ to go, too. I know I’m sitting on a protected identity _legally_ , but the risk of me being in danger is far smaller than it is for you. People won’t recognise me there but the girls I worked with—that is, if they’re still around town. I’m not gonna go _tomorrow_ , obviously, but… you now. Whether or not I find Shizu, I’ll call you, though. Okay?”

Haruka frowns. “No, I’m going with you. If something happens, it’s better that we’re two than you going alone.”

“Says the guy with a real threat against him if he goes back. You idiot, you're not coming with me. First of all because I don't wanna be responsible for something bad happening to you and if I were unable to prevent it. Second, because I care about you and don't wanna expose you to such a risk to begin with.”

He knows, of course, that this is a potential suicide mission, but at the same time, Haruka can't just sit at home, safely, in Iwatobi while Aki heads back to Sendai to look for Shizuka alone. If she goes, Haruka goes with her, and that's all there is to it. They're both from the area and should still know how to mostly stay out of trouble, and if they're two people, they can protect each other. It's strange to think that, after only two years of having been outside of Sendai which was once their home, upon returning this time, they have to be careful while walking through their former hometown and 'workplaces'.

“But you know you can't go alone, Aki. If you go, I'll go. The only other option is asking Kisumi, but there's no way in hell he'd agree to going back to Sendai, not even with just  _me_.”

“ _God_ you’re stubborn,” Aki sighs, but she smiles, too. “We’ll be really careful. Okay?”

“I know.”

The prostitute who died in his arms comes to mind, but since Haruka never even got her name, he doesn’t bring her up. Maybe Aki _did_ know her; it could be insensitive of Haruka to bring it up considering how he didn’t even know the girl to begin with. It had been the first time Haruka, or Taichi, ever saw someone die, and the sight and experience still hasn’t left Haruka’s memory even after Taichi’s death.


	9. new meets old

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aki and Haruka return to what was once their hometown, to search for people of their not-so-distant past.

**MAY**.

 

Things change a little around the house as Kisumi’s belongings are slowly being put into the same boxes they’d used when moving in. It’s a little sad, because it reminds Haruka of how they moved in there together, but now, only one of them is moving out. But Haruka knows that it’s for the best, not only for Kisumi, but for himself, too. He’s just wondering what he’s going to tell the others, since trying to explain the real reason will most definitely create more questions, and probably even some suspicion.

Aki, fortunately, gets it. She may not know exactly who Kisumi is, but knowing that he’s from Sendai and that that’s how Haruka and Kisumi know each other, she knows enough to put the pieces together. With how they all grew up, it’s natural to be like Kisumi and get uncomfortable after having been in the same spot for too long.

“So what’re _you_ gonna do?”

“What do you mean?” Haruka asks back, and Aki rolls her eyes.

“Well, are you gonna move out as well, or stay in that big house by yourself?”

Haruka shrugs, and takes a sip from his overpriced tea from the coffee shop past customs. He hasn’t been in an airport in years, and feels nervous. “For the time being, I’m staying there, but obviously I can’t live there forever. I’m gonna start looking for a new place to live soon.”

“Figured as much. Gonna be a bit lonely, though, huh?”

“Maybe a little,” Haruka admits. “I’ve never _actually_ lived by myself, so it’ll be a new experience, if anything.”

It had hit him pretty hard when Sumire’s presence around the apartment decreased over time, to the point where she just disappeared without a trace. At first, he’d barely even noticed that Sumire was straight up _gone_ , but when it had been a while, not too long before Taichi met Ryuuhei, it made him realise just how lonely he was. The many times he’d ended up eating dinner in front of the TV by himself, gone out for walks around town when the silence grew too loud… Taichi never thought solitude could feel as bad as it did.

So now, Haruka doesn’t know just how he’ll handle it. He’s afraid it’ll remind him of those days, that he’ll start thinking of Kisumi as his mother in the way she’d abandoned him, and that would be completely wrong. Kisumi isn’t abandoning him; Haruka is completely okay with it, agrees that it’s for the best. But again, he has no idea just what solitude will do to him and his thoughts.

“You could get another roommate,” Aki suggests. “Maybe not someone from our group of friends… wait. Why don’t you ask Sousuke?”

Haruka raises his eyebrows at the unexpected suggestion. “Sousuke?”

“Yeah! He lives alone, unlike the rest of us. Single guy, too, so you don’t have to deal with anything like that, like you would if literally anyone else from our group lived here. You two would probably like each other’s company, too, since you’re pretty similar.”

“I don’t know,” Haruka says. “I still barely know the guy; it’d be really weird to suddenly ask him to move in with me just because I might feel lonely.”

Aki laughs. “Maybe. Well, a good first step is getting to know him. Unless you really don’t want to, but I don’t think you would’ve gone out to drink beer with him if you didn’t.”

She has a good point, but that doesn’t make it any less awkward, since it would, in the end, look like Haruka’s only befriending Sousuke to have him move into Haruka’s house so he’d feel less lonely. Haruka gets the impression that Sousuke likes living alone, and he knows that breaking a routine like that most likely won’t be fun for Sousuke. He obviously won’t know unless he tries, but for now, Haruka keeps the thought in the back of his mind.

“Hey,” Aki says just as an announcement is heard in the speakers. “Are you sure you wanna do this?”

“I’m sure. This is probably the last time I’ll ever go to Sendai, anyway. And we’re going to be careful wherever we go. We lived there, we know how things work.”

Aki gets up on her feet to stretch her upper body. “I’m just asking. Let’s go to the gate.”

For days, Haruka tried coming up with a lie that even Kisumi would be fooled by. How could he hide the fact that he’s going back to their hometown from the guy he’s living with who knows him better than anyone else? It turned out to be an impossible mission, both because Haruka just couldn’t come up with anything that Kisumi wouldn’t find suspicious, and also because Haruka just doesn’t want to lie to his best friend.

He’d ended up telling Kisumi the truth, assuring Kisumi that he wouldn’t be going back to Sendai alone and that they would be careful. All he’s going to do is find Shizuka, or at least find out where she is, and then they’re going back home. Kisumi wasn’t easy to convince, but in the end, he’d just wished Haruka good luck and told him to be safe.

“Call me if anything happens. Anything,” Kisumi told Haruka before he’d left, and that’s a promise Haruka intends to keep.

 

* * *

 

Haruka sleeps practically throughout the entire five-hour flight to Sendai, and feels well-rested but not less nervous upon arriving at Sendai airport. It’s the first time he travels using his new passport, and it surprises him just how easy it was, how no one suspected a thing. Kisumi had told him to act normal, because there’s nothing wrong with his documents. He’s in the system like any other person, has a proper job and place to live. There’s nothing to worry about, but that doesn’t stop Haruka from being a little nervous when they’re looking at his passport before letting him into Sendai proper.

He’d booked them a hotel room for a night, thinking they could extend it should they want or need to. Haruka really doesn’t want to stay in Sendai for longer than he has to, and hopes that just the two days they’ve planned will suffice. A lot is bound to have changed since they were last in Sendai two years prior, but not to the point where it’ll be unrecognisable. Haruka tries to tell himself that things will be fine, but Ryuuhei haunts his thoughts and tells Haruka he can never be too sure.

“This place is too nice for two former underground people,” Aki says upon walking into their hotel room. She gives a low whistle. “You could afford this on our salary? Or do you make more than me, you little shit?”

Haruka laughs dryly. “It wasn’t _that_ expensive. Besides, it’s only for a night.”

“Hopefully,” Aki adds. “Let’s drop our stuff and go get something to eat before we do what we came here for.”

It feels weird returning to Sendai as Haruka, essentially as a tourist, because it makes him see central Sendai from a different perspective. The Aoba ward hosts many nice parks and hotels, as well as museums, schools and various other things Haruka hasn’t paid much attention to since before Tooru died and things started going downhill.

“Strange,” Aki mumbles as they’re making their way through the busy shopping district. “I even went to school here.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

They head to a burger place for a quick lunch, and then start making their way to the outskirts of central Sendai. The entire time, Haruka thinks to himself that he should just act like Taichi; pretend like he still lives there and works in the area. The worst thing that could happen is either them arousing suspicion, or Haruka running into Ryuuhei. As much as both Aki and Kisumi say he’s changed since moving from Sendai, Haruka doesn’t want to take for granted that Ryuuhei won’t recognise him.

It’s scary how big of a contrast it is between the busy shopping streets and the shady alleyways and street corners where Aki and Haruka used to make a living years ago. It’s almost as if walking into an alternate reality, a world far away from the one in which most people live. Haruka’s hit by just how much things have changed for him since leaving Sendai, and he wonders how the hell he managed to work in these areas, under those conditions.

Since they knew they were going to go through the red-line district, Aki and Haruka dressed themselves down as to not stand out from the others in the area. Haruka’s already taking a risk being there in general—he doesn’t need to have people notice him just because of what he’s wearing. At the same time, he doesn’t want to come off as someone who’s there to buy sex, either.

He glances at the people he passes; recognising some, but also seeing new faces. Everyone minds their own business: women stand by the side of the road waiting for cars to stop by, some sitting in windows of the brothels, probably just having had a customer or waiting for one. There’s women standing outside strip clubs smoking, waiting for their shifts to begin, and Haruka sees salary men here and there walking around with no shame whatsoever, because they don’t need to _be_ ashamed here.

Now, this sight almost scares him, but back when Taichi worked in a district not really meant for him, it didn’t bother him in the slightest.

Haruka doesn’t notice when Aki stops walking next to him at first, as he’s focused on scanning the people around him to try and find a familiar face he’s comfortable talking to, but soon he turns around, and stops.

“What’s up?” he asks. Aki smiles miserably at him.

“It’s just… bringing back bad memories, and it’s a little overwhelming. I hadn’t expected this coming back here—I thought I was gonna be fine. But it’s a little rough, emotionally.”

Haruka stands next to Aki, laying a hand on her arm. “If you wanna leave, we can do that. I was the one who brought up this idea to begin with, after all.”

Aki shakes her head. “No, we’re doing this. If we’ve come this far, we’re sure as hell not turning back now.”

“Okay. But promise to tell me if you really _do_ want to get out of here.”

“I will.”

They continue walking through the narrow alleyways littered with shops, brothels and strip clubs. They walk by several young people who sit with their backs against brick walls, too high to function, and it makes Haruka think he’s really glad he never had to resort to drugs. Ryuuhei snorted coke occasionally, and Haruka once thought that maybe Ryuuhei would force him into it, but strangely—rather, _fortunately_ —it never happened.

“Natsumi? Oh my god… is that you?”

A female voice calls out, and Aki stops. _Natsumi?_ Haruka thinks, but then he realises he never got Aki’s first name when she came to him for help—all he knows is that her last name was Teshima.

Haruka turns to see who the voice belongs to, and when he does, his heart stops.

“Shizuka,” he breathes before he can think, and the woman looks at him with a puzzled frown.

“Do I know you? Or the other way around…?”

He takes a shaky breath of relief, walking towards Shizuka. “It’s me, Shizu. Taichi.”

It feels strange to say that name out loud now that he’s lived as Haruka for two years, almost as if _Taichi_ is the identity Kisumi gave him. It’s a good thing, because that means Haruka’s become one with his bought identity, and has gotten one step further away from his troubled past.

Shizuka eyes him up and down, letting Haruka stop right in front of her. And then she gasps, eyes going wide with surprise. “ _Taichi_. Oh my god… it’s you. You’re alive. Both of you… are here. Why?”

Aki walks up to her friend, and they both hug before Shizuka gives Haruka the same treatment. “A lot has happened,” Aki says. “Can we, uh… talk somewhere?”

“Of course,” Shizuka says. “Come with me.”

Even though Haruka’s still feeling a bit uneasy, he and Aki follow Shizuka into one of the brothels, past the reception where a woman smiles at them to only make things worse, and then into a vacant room. The interior is old, sleazy but fancy at the same time. There’s red velvet and lace pillows with matching duvets on the bed, and the couch near the window is of a darker shade of red. It looks like a room from two decades ago, Haruka notes.

Shizuka sits down on the couch, and she looks at Aki and Haruka interchangeably with the same shocked expression from earlier. “I have so many questions, but first I want to ask… Natsumi, is it okay for you to be here?”

“Probably not, but we aren’t staying long. And my name’s Aki now. I changed it when I moved.”

“Oh… right,” Shizuka says, and she smiles. “How did it go, moving and settling in?”

Aki shrugs. “It was easier than I thought it’d be. Got an apartment and a job, met and befriended some people, and that was basically it. It required a lot of charisma and pretending to be outgoing at first, but I guess it paid off.”

“I’d say it definitely did. But I’m glad it worked out for you, Aki. And _you_ , Taichi, how the hell are you even alive?”

Before telling Shizuka his story, Haruka corrects her and lets her know that he, too, got his name changed after the earthquake. He tells her about how he’d crashed the car as a result of the earthquake, how he’d seen himself ‘die’, and how he ended up with Kisumi in Iwatobi. He knows his information is safe with Shizuka, because she, too, has a lot of personal information that Haruka knows which, if it ended up in the hands of wrong people, could essentially ruin her. It isn’t even about that; it’s simply because Shizuka is a good friend whom Haruka, or Taichi, often times didn’t feel like he deserved to have in his life.

“I thought _you_ might have died,” Haruka says. I was so worried, but I just couldn’t go back here to find out about you and everyone else.”

Shizuka frowns a little. “Why not? Did Shigino say you couldn’t do that as part of your new identity?”

“No. Because of Ryuuhei.”

“Oh, the jackass you were dating? What about him?”

Haruka now mirrors Shizuka’s expression, confused. “What do you mean ‘what about him’, doesn’t he still live in Sendai?”

“No, Taichi, he—oh. Shit. Of _course_ you don’t know.”

Haruka and Aki exchange questioning glances, before Aki speaks up. “Know what?”

“Ryuuhei’s dead. I don’t know if he died in the earthquake itself, but it was around the time, at least. All I know is that his dead ass was found somewhere.” Shizuka raises her eyebrows slightly, her expression turning emotionless and cold. “Frankly, I’m almost as glad as I imagine you’d be; he tried recruiting _my_ people for himself and his illegal activities. Fucker. Good riddance.”

Haruka blinks a few times, opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. As often as he’d wished the life out of his ‘boyfriend’ back then, Haruka almost wondered if Ryuuhei was immortal. He’d been in so many dangerous situations that it always surprised Haruka when Ryuuhei came back home alive after a particularly risky job. He’d thought it could very well be the gods’ punishment to him: plant false hope inside Haruka, or Taichi, only to crush it every time he’d find out Ryuuhei was still alive.

And now he’s dead so easily that it feels like someone’s pulling yet another prank on him. Can it really be true that his demon is vanquished for good, that he has absolutely nothing to worry about now that he’s back in Sendai?

“He’s dead? Are you… absolutely sure?”

Shizuka rolls her eyes. “I told you, they found his body.” She takes his hands, and her expression changes to a warm, sombre one. “He’s gone, Haruka. He even has a headstone in the graveyard you can go and piss on if you’d like.”

“I have one there, too,” Haruka replies, slightly dazed, as a thought crosses his mind: what if Ryuuhei faked his death? “They’re sure it was his body?”

“Yes, Haruka. I heard from someone in Izumi that he took off looking for you right around the time the earthquake struck. Obviously, you had his car, so he didn’t have much of anything to hide in or under.”

Haruka remembers the phone call he’d made to Ryuuhei just before the earthquake, every single detail of it—he even remembers what he’d been wearing at the time. It’s funny, someone once told him that he’ll always remember where he was and what he was doing at the event of something big, like a natural disaster or an otherwise large event affecting a large amount of people. This specific event had it all, and it also marked Taichi’s liberation from Ryuuhei, as well as his new life as Haruka.

_“I’m not coming back. Fuck you.”_

The exhilarating feeling of finally, finally, being able to do this to Ryuuhei is a feeling Haruka won’t soon forget. Being the one with the upper hand for once, the one in control of the situation, was probably the most powerful Haruka has ever felt. He knew there was no way in hell Ryuuhei could’ve found him then, not like when Haruka had his own car and Ryuuhei had installed a GPS tracker on it, so that he could keep an eye on his puppet. Why would Ryuuhei put a tracker on his own car?

“ _Get back here with my car, or I’ll find you and kill you while getting my car back!_ ”

Haruka remembers laughing scornfully at the pathetic loser on the other end of the line. “ _You do that. You’ve had so many chances to kill me so far, why haven’t you?_ ”

“ _Taichi, I swear to god_ —”

Those words ended up being the last ones Haruka, as Taichi, ever heard from Ryuuhei, and out of all the memories Haruka still retains from that time, this is one that puts a smile on his face.

“I… wow. Ryuuhei really is… dead, then,” Haruka says. “He’s dead.”

He can’t help but repeat it, only to help it sink in properly. The huge weight on his shoulders is suddenly lifted, and Haruka feels like he could levitate with the immense amount of relief he’s feeling. Maybe it’s wrong to feel relieved at the fact that someone has died, but Haruka really doesn’t care. Not when it’s Ryuuhei who now lies buried in a graveyard right there in Sendai.

“He is. I guess karma finally beat the shit out of him.”

It finally makes sense to Haruka why they had so quickly and easily declared Taichi dead back then. Not only because he’d been in Ryuuhei’s car, but because Ryuuhei died back then, too. It doesn’t matter that he wasn’t anywhere near his car, he could’ve survived the car crash but died elsewhere from any injuries sustained in the accident. If Ryuuhei died, there’s a high probability that the ‘other person’ in his car died, too, even though they’d never find a body.

Though it doesn’t change much, Haruka feels relieved to have that properly resolved after so long. He doesn’t have to worry about the Sendai police finding any inconsistencies in one of the many deaths and other incidents related to the earthquake anymore. It’s finally, finally, over.

“What about his business?” Haruka asks.

Shizuka shrugs. “Good as gone. I haven’t heard anything from or about his friends, either. Maybe they died, too, maybe they finally got their shit together and are doing something else with their lives. I have no idea, it’s almost as if they went up in smoke.” She laughs humourlessly, shaking her head. “If they were liberated by the earthquake like you were, I have to admit I’d be a little jealous. While you did, _those_ guys certainly wouldn’t deserve having something like that bestowed upon them.”

Like the last time they talked, Haruka wants to convince Shizuka to come with them, to get herself a better life outside of the hell she’s lived in practically all her life. But then again, he knows she can’t just abandon the girls she’s in charge of. Even if sex work is legal for this one district, some have still been forced into it by pimps who continually find loopholes in the law. These girls would, without Shizuka being like a mother to the girls, be in a lot of trouble. She keeps them safe, makes sure they’re drug-free, conducts their regular health check-ups and basically keeps the whole business going.

It’s a stupid but noble sacrifice she’s making, and Haruka knows he just has to respect her choice. It _is_ her choice, after all, and not something she’s forced to do. Shizuka is almost like a rescue worker, except she’s just making sure that the girls who had to resort to sex work are in the best situation possible even though their jobs are anything but great.

“How are things here?” he asks. “How are you doing?”

“Oh, me? I’m doing fine, can’t really complain more than usual. You know how it is.”

She laughs, but Haruka wonders how she really feels. Shizuka is, like him, an expert in hiding her feelings behind a mask and pretending like she’s okay when she isn’t. In his job as a fake psychic, Taichi met a lot of sex workers who willingly went into it but still hated it. It was the only choice they had left with no other work experience or education past high school.

“You know what I mean,” Haruka says, sighing through his nose. “How are you _really_ doing here?”

Shizuka smiles vaguely, looking out the window. Outside, Haruka sees a few women standing outside doors to the strip clubs, sex shops, and neighbouring brothels. Many of them have been with Shizuka for years, and they’re all like family at this point. It isn’t something you so easily give up, like Taichi had done when running away from Sendai. In his case, though, it really was a matter of life and death. Thankfully, for Shizuka’s girls who are in this legally, it isn’t quite that drastic. Those in the blue line district, however, most definitely have it worse; many girls whom Taichi met through work when they came to ask him if maybe there was a light at the end of their tunnel. For the most part, there wasn’t one.

“While I hate most of what comes with this job, the girls working here make it worthwhile getting through the day. I don’t like the area and most of the customers we have, but there’s a lot of money to be made, and it’s long since been my responsibility to make sure things are okay.”

“How was it after the earthquake?” Aki asks.

“We got back on our feet relatively quickly. All of my girls made it through, as if it was some kind of miracle. I heard of others who died buried under rubble or fallen trees, but… they weren’t mine.” Shizuka frowns, turning her gaze to her hands in her lap. “I know you shouldn’t really be happy in times of death, but… I can’t help but be glad that I didn’t know those who died, you know? I don’t know what I would’ve done.”

Right now, Haruka feels like he could march right over to Ryuuhei’s grave and dance over it. He doesn’t care about the morality of being happy that someone died—Ryuuhei deserved what he got, and Haruka would gladly say that over and over without regretting it.

But as he thinks about the earthquake and those lives that were lost, a name pops up in his mind that makes him stand up from the couch so fast that both Aki and Shizuka look at him, surprised.

“Sumire,” he gasps. “My… my mother. I don’t know what happened to her.”

“Do you want to go and look?” Aki asks. “Not that I know where we _would_ look, but we can still try.”

Haruka chews on his lower lip, frowning. “I guess we might as well start looking around here. I don’t wanna find out that even my mother turned to prostitution either by her own free will or otherwise, but I really don’t know where she could be, if she even _is_ alive.”

“Hey,” Aki gently chastises. “Don’t think like that. Let’s start with one thing, and if that doesn’t work, we could go to the police and see if—”

“No,” Haruka interrupts. “No, not here in Sendai. What if they recognise me?”

Normally, Haruka wouldn’t hesitate to go to the police now that he has a new name and identity, but with him being back in the town where he supposedly _died_ , there’s a risk involved. While it probably isn’t very likely, there _is_ still a risk someone might recognise him. Maybe from his days on the street, or maybe even from pictures they showed on the news an in newspapers of earthquake victims. Anything is possible, and that’s what scares him.

Aki takes his hand, gently squeezing it. “It’s been two years, Haru. You don’t even look like Taichi anymore; I’m sure they won’t recognise you. Or you could just say what I told you, that Taichi’s your cousin. That is, _if_ someone asks, which I don’t think they will.”

While still a bit unsure, Haruka’s ever so slightly calmed down by Aki’s words. It isn’t going to be fun, it’ll definitely be nerve-wracking, but Haruka really wants to find out what happened to his mother, even if she _did_ turn to sex work, or worse—that she died in the earthquake.

“You should go,” Shizuka says. “And even if you have to go to the police… they’re really not as bad and scary as people think. Many are corrupt and help us underground people frequently, but I don’t think you’re surprised to hear that.”

To be honest with himself, while Haruka doesn’t want to be _too_ optimistic, he probably won’t get in too much trouble with the police just for asking for his mother. Like he has up until this point, if he just acts like he’s done nothing wrong and like he isn’t suspicious in the least bit, he’ll probably be fine.

If only he could erase the ‘probably’.

“I don’t know anyone named Uehara Sumire, so she definitely doesn’t work around here. That’s one place you can cross off your list,” Shizuka continues, before she gets up from the couch to hug Haruka. He returns the embrace, feeling his heart almost ache with how much he’s missed his friend. “Good luck, Haruka. Now that we’ve gotten in contact again, let’s keep it this way, hmm? I’ll give you both my personal phone number, so we can stay in touch.”

“We’ll come back to visit, of course,” Aki says. “I know I shouldn’t be here, but we won’t be here often enough for it to be a problem.

“I should probably tell you not to, but you know me, and I know you can take care of yourself,” Shizuka replies, smiling. “I’d like that.”

They exchange phone numbers, and then Haruka and Aki leave the brothel to start the search for Haruka’s mother.


	10. closure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruka and Aki search for Sumire in Sendai.

Haruka’s relieved to know that Sumire doesn’t work in these parts where he himself used to make a living. He knows that Shizuka knows every single face around this district, and if she says Sumire isn’t there, she isn’t. There’s still a risk she might be in another, illegal, district, but he tries not to think of that possibility.

It doesn’t take long for both Aki and Haruka to realise that no one around there recognises them anymore. They aren’t necessarily treated very warmly, but people are still somewhat willing to answer questions, even though most answers aren’t what Haruka and Aki are looking for. Haruka wonders if this is what it’s like when police go around and interrogate people, thinking that might be a reason why people are a little apprehensive. They certainly don’t _look_ like police, so that really shouldn’t be a concern.

Aki and Haruka split up to talk to people around the area that are willing to talk, but it quickly becomes obvious that Sumire isn’t even _known_ around there. If she isn’t, the risks of her working underground are getting a lot smaller, and that includes the blue-line district. It could just be that she straight up abandoned her son to start a new life elsewhere—something that’s unfortunately somewhat common, though that’s mostly in cases where the children are younger, and not legal adults. Haruka just wishes Sumire would’ve told him something, _anything_ , before she completely stopped coming home and staying in contact.

“The name _sounds_ similar, but I know a few people named Uehara, and a few Sumire,” one of the sex workers tell Haruka. She blows cigarette smoke out of her nose, humming thoughtfully. “You sure she ain’t in the blue-line district?”

Haruka shakes his head as the thought crosses his mind again, making him briefly nauseous. “I don’t know that yet; we haven’t been.”

“Ah. Well, sorry to say that isn’t a name I recall. Who is she, anyway?”

“My mother.”

She makes a grimace, putting her cigarette out. “Ouch. I sure hope you won’t find her doing this stuff. You’ve absolutely no idea where she could be?”

“None whatsoever.”

“Well, hey—she might’ve ran off with some guy, who knows. No offence; not implying your mother’s a gold-digger or anythin’, but you’ve gotta consider almost anything in these cases. Sadly.”

A light comes to life in Haruka’s mind; her having found someone to run off to all the time isn’t something he’d even considered up until now. He knows Sumire and Tooru loved each other, even though they had their differences and their relationship sure wasn’t perfect. It’s still perfectly possible Sumire sought solitude in someone else following Tooru’s death, or maybe she even had another reason Haruka can’t think of.

“You know what,” he says. “I might try that angle. Thanks a lot.”

The girl shrugs, but offers a little smile. “Sure, glad I could help somehow.”

He finds Aki, and tells her what he’s realised and what the last girl he talked to told him, and Aki agrees that they should ask at the police station. He knows that if he persists, his chances of finding what, or who, he’s looking for will go up by quite a bit. Sumire is at least a legal citizen whose name can be found in the system, so if she’s still in town and alive, they should be able to locate her.

They walk inside the small police station, up to a counter where a police officer is stationed. Gladly, he looks bored, so it doesn’t seem like they’re having a particularly busy day—but it’s also a smaller police station, so that might also contribute to the man’s boredom.

“Excuse me,” Haruka begins, and almost immediately gets the man’s attention. “I’m looking for someone here in Sendai, if you could help me.”

The police officer eyes Haruka and Aki up and down, and lifts his chin from his hand, laying his hand down on the counter. “Okay. Who are you looking for, and what’s your relationship to this person?”

 _Shit_. That’s one aspect Haruka had forgotten—to think of what to say when asked about who Sumire is to him. If he says he’s her son, they might look it up and see that Taichi died two years prior. How would he explain that? There’s no way out of it; he’d have to come clean right then and there, and who knows what consequences such a mistake could bring.

“It’s our aunt. Uehara Sumire,” Aki says next to Haruka, who has to fight back the instinct to whip his head to the side in surprise. Thank god at least one of them is quick at thinking.

“I see,” the man says, and Haruka mentally sighs in relief at how _easy_ that was, thanks to Aki. “Wait a little bit, and I’ll check where she lives.”

Aki and Haruka step to the side while the man taps away at his computer keyboard. Haruka glances at Aki, who still looks completely unperturbed.

“I’m glad you’re a fast thinker.”

“I’m not really _that_ fast,” Aki shrugs. “I thought of it before we came in here, just in case they’d ask questions.”

Haruka smiles. “Then you’re smarter than me.”

“Surprised?”

“Ha.”

Even though it’s only a matter of minutes, Haruka feels like he’s had to wait over an hour for the police officer to find out where Sumire lives. All kinds of possibilities run through Haruka’s mind like they’re going around a race track; they keep coming back, and can’t seem to stop.

Now that the sex worker he talked to has given Haruka a new perspective, it really seems to be the only reasonable option for Sumire’s abandonment of her son. It just surprises Haruka that she would be able to move on so soon from a man who she’d been with for more than half her life.

“Excuse me,” a voice finally says, prompting Haruka and Aki to return to the counter. “Sorry for the wait. Mrs Uehara Sumire, was it?”

“Yes,” Haruka confirms.

The police officer nods once, and prints them a paper with the information needed to locate Sumire. After thanking him, the two leave, and when they’ve gotten outside, Haruka takes a closer look at the information he now has on his mother.

Sumire does indeed still live in Sendai, thankfully, and she’s registered to an unfamiliar address since a year and a half back. The fact that she’s still listed as ‘Mrs Uehara Sumire’ tells Haruka that she at least didn’t re-marry after Tooru, but he doesn’t know whether to be relieved or not over the fact. Up until her disappearance, Haruka and Sumire had had a good relationship for the most part. At times strained close to the time of the earthquake and Haruka’s departure from Sendai, but Haruka still loves Sumire, and wishes the best for her.

A flicker of hope ignites within Haruka as he and Aki take the train a few stops west towards the ward of Wakabayashi. It’s a little less populated and busy than Aoba—a peaceful area inhabited by mostly families and elderly people. It’s a pretty big contrast from where Haruka used to live up until just a few years ago, and it’s strange, since the two wards aren’t that far away from each other.

Using their phones to navigate, Haruka and Aki are able to locate the house in which Sumire apparently now resides pretty easily. And when they’re standing right outside, Haruka freezes.

“What’s up?”

Haruka just stares at the house. “What if she left because she got tired of me, because she didn’t want to see me again?”

Aki clicks her tongue, smacking his arm. “Why would she? Because you worked too much and weren’t at home as often as you used to?”

“How would I know?”

“Haru,” Aki sighs. “You’re overthinking it. And besides, if you don’t ring that doorbell, you’ll never find out why she left. And then you’ll be stuck wondering why, and probably having the wrong assumptions.”

He knows she’s right, of course, but that doesn’t make things easier. He hasn’t seen Sumire since long before the earthquake, and a lot is bound to have happened and changed in almost three years of not having lived together like they used to. Haruka already knows there’s a lot to talk about regarding his own life, and expects there to be quite a bit that Sumire has to tell him, too.

Haruka takes a deep breath through his nose, and then rings the doorbell. Aki stands next to him, shifting her weight from one foot to the other, and she smiles a little.

“Feels a bit weird for me to witness your family reunion,” she says. “Maybe a bit too intimate.”

“It’s fine,” Haruka insists. “I’d much prefer you to be here since I probably wouldn’t be here otherwise.”

Aki laughs. “I guess you’re right.”

When the door opens, Haruka is greeted with a man instead of Sumire, and he immediately considers leaving. But with Aki next to him, Haruka stays put.

“Hello. Can I help you?”

Haruka swallows, making a decision at the very last second that he’d forgotten about. “My name’s Uehara Taichi. Does Sumire live here?”

The man raises his eyebrows. “Uehara? Are you… wait. No, that can’t be.”

“Is she here?” Haruka asks to stop the man from continuing to speculate in something that really doesn’t concern him, even if he lives with Haruka’s mother. He doesn’t know the man, the man doesn’t know him, and if Sumire lives there, she’s the only thing—or person—that they have in common.

“Yes,” the man says. He’s obviously realised who Haruka is, considering his reaction. “Wait here, I’ll go get her.”

When the man disappears, Haruka exhales, momentarily balling his fists together and clenching them, hard. This is far more difficult and nerve-wracking than he’d expected, and when he glances to his side, he thinks once again how glad he is that Aki is there with him.

“… no way it’s him, Hiro. I mean, he _died_ —”

But when Sumire comes to the door and sees her supposedly dead son for the first time in three years, her eyes widen, and she cries.

 

* * *

 

The house Sumire and her fiancé live in is nice, spacious, and it feels very warm and welcoming. It vaguely reminds Haruka of the house he grew up in, the house he and his family lived in until Tooru died, and he and Sumire had to move somewhere else. And maybe that isn’t too surprising since Sumire lives here, and she’s most likely the one in charge of decorating the place.

Sumire has changed her appearance quite a bit since Haruka last saw her as Taichi. She stopped dyeing her hair, and the mullet is now gone, replaced by a fringe and the rest of her hair being about shoulder-length. Maybe it’s because of her new relationship, or because of work—Haruka just knows he likes the change. Everyone goes through phases, and maybe Sumire’s finally found one she’ll be in for a while.

Haruka can’t bring himself to be mad at his mother, after she begins telling her story. During the time they lived together, Sumire hadn’t been able to find jobs other than those with low salaries that didn’t require any education, of which Sumire had none following high school. She had been too ashamed to tell her son that she worked in places that society regularly like to make fun of and look down upon, which is why Taichi never found out about the source of the money she somehow always had for rent and other necessities.

At the time of the earthquake, she had gotten the news that her son was presumed dead after his belongings were found in a crashed car, and the police had estimated the fall down the cliff to be nearly impossible to survive. Depression made Sumire stop working for a while, and when she was starving and got close to getting evicted, she got so desperate she sought out illegal jobs. Sumire sold drugs under a disguise and a fake name to avoid getting recognised, she’d even steal and sell things for money.

After nearly a year, she met Hiro, a man whom she fell in love with, and subsequently moved in with. Hiro made Sumire turn her life around, finally got her out of her shady jobs, and got her back on her feet. She worked with a law firm as an assistant for a while, and then went into customer service, where she’s still working and says she likes doing.

But then it’s Haruka’s turn to tell Sumire what happened both before and after the earthquake, and while it’s difficult to revisit a past which Sumire has no idea ever existed, Haruka wants her to know, and he wants to be able to put it behind him for good.

“I met… a man,” Haruka says hesitantly, unsure of what Sumire will say. “I know that’s probably not what you’d expect of me, but—”

“I won’t judge you, Taichi. Even if it might not be what I expected, I have no right to interfere, and I support you. You met him here in Sendai?”

“Yes,” Haruka replies, a little relieved that that was all it became of him coming out to his mother. “And then I moved in with him. Things… were good for the first little bit, but then he… he changed.”

A lump is formed in his throat, and Aki seems to notice as she puts a hand on his arm. Sumire gives Haruka a look of concern, frowning slightly.

“Changed, how?”

“He became violent, aggressive, and possessive of me. I wasn’t allowed to do certain things, see certain people. He controlled my life, basically. He had offered me a job I couldn’t refuse since I hated working at the restaurant, and back then, he was really nice and considerate. But it didn’t take long after I started working for him before all of his positive traits went down the drain.”

Haruka leaves out some of the more gruesome details of his and Ryuuhei’s life together, because it isn’t vital to know, and he also doesn’t want to talk about it. Even years later, Haruka has yet to properly process the entirety of it, and he wonders how he would even go about doing such a thing. He also wonders _when_ he’ll be ready to deal with it.

“The day the earthquake struck, I’d been in a fight with Ryuuhei,” Haruka says. “When he left the house, I took his car keys, my wallet and my most valuable possessions, and I left. Then I drove off a cliff, and the next time I came to, I had crashed into a tree.”

“Oh my god,” Sumire whispers through her hands held over her mouth. “Taichi… I had no idea. For the longest time, I thought you died.”

“The authorities did, too. I went to a crisis shelter after it happened, and saw my name on the TV, on a list of earthquake victims.”

He still remembers it all so vividly: the reactions of people around him when they found people on that list that they knew, his own reaction to seeing _himself_ on that list, and the strong sense of euphoria that ran through his body when Haruka realised he was ‘dead’ and how it meant he’d been granted a second chance at life.

“Since I didn’t exist in the system as a living person anymore, I knew I had to do _something_ about it before the police would find out. A woman I met through work helped me with that. She gave me the contact details to a guy who could help me essentially get a completely new life. So, I got my name changed to Nanase Haruka, and I moved away to Sendai, just after the earthquake struck. It was my way of getting away from Ryuuhei, from that life I’d been living, and to get a fresh start.”

Talking for so long makes Haruka feel exhausted, and his throat dry. He takes a sip of the green tea he and Aki had been offered upon entering Sumire and Hiro’s home, and lets the warm tea slowly go down his throat. The entire time Haruka talked, everyone else had just sat there and been completely quiet. And judging by the expressions they had at times, it could be assumed they wouldn’t have _known_ what to say.

“So… _Haruka_ ,” Sumire says, and the tone of her voice sounds almost admiring. “I like that. It sounds like freedom. Far away, distant, no problems on the horizon.”

Haruka smiles. “Yeah.”

“Someone helped you do this, I assume.”

Haruka thinks of Kisumi for the fraction of a second, and he nods. “Yeah. Someone provided me with documents for a completely new identity, and that’s how I was able to leave Sendai, and move to Iwatobi.”

Sumire leans back against the couch, and she lets out a sigh, shock written all over her face. “You’ve… been through a lot, Haruka. But you’re still alive, and you’re here. You have no idea how relieved I am to know my son is still alive.”

A lump forms in Haruka’s throat, and he leans forward to take his mother’s hands in his own. “I’m so glad I found you again.”

They may not have had the best relationship prior to the earthquake, but things can certainly change. All Haruka’s been able to think about since the earthquake was Sumire, and that in and of itself was enough for Haruka to want them to start over if he were to find his mother again. A lot has happened in their lives in the span of almost three years, but what hasn’t changed is the bond they share.

“Yazaki, you said you were from Iwatobi?”

Aki hasn’t said anything up until now; just sitting there to show silent support, listening to what’s been said. While Haruka’s glad Aki was there with him, he does feel a little bad knowing maybe it would’ve been better for her to do something else in the meantime. Even so, Aki had said she would be there with him to lessen his nervousness.

“Yes,” she says. “We met through work, and discovered we have friends in common.”

Sumire nods, and gives Aki a warm smile. “I see. I’m very glad to know Haruka’s found some wonderful friends where he lives now. Thank you for being there for him.”

Aki smiles back at Sumire, shaking her head. “It goes both ways, really. I’m glad we met.”

Haruka knows Aki isn’t being entirely truthful because of her being in the witness protection program. Sumire and Hiro really don’t have to know about her past, and it isn’t as they’ll be able to tell she’s lying about some of the details she tells them. Likewise, there’s a lot that Haruka chooses not to tell them either because it’s too painful to talk about, or because it’s safer that way—namely the entire ordeal with Kisumi, and Taichi becoming Haruka.

“Haruka, there’s… something I want to ask you about,” Sumire says, tentatively. “Is it okay?”

He interprets it two ways: ‘are you ready for basically anything I’d want to talk to you about?’ and ‘is it okay for Aki to be here when we talk about this?’. But Haruka’s fine with Aki being there, no matter what it is Sumire wants to bring up, now that they’re reunited.

“It’s okay, yeah. What is it?”

Sumire puts up a hand as a sign for them to wait, and she gets up from the couch. Hiro gives them a somewhat uncomfortable smile, and Haruka almost wants to ask why he’s still sitting there when things clearly don’t have to do with him right now. It isn’t ill-willed; Haruka knows he himself would be uncomfortable in that situation. Maybe Hiro just doesn’t know what to do with himself, and maybe he finds it would be rude to just up and leave amidst everything.

When Sumire returns, she sits down with a brown envelope in her hands. “These are things the police came to me with after… well, after the earthquake. Items that were left behind in the car you had been in.”

Haruka’s heart stops beating for a second. He remembers so clearly the moment he’d realised, as Taichi, that he’d left all of his forms of identification as well as other important belongings in Ryuuhei’s car. If the earthquake hadn’t struck, he wouldn’t have driven off the cliff, and there’d be no need to pronounce Taichi ‘dead’ other than in the figurative sense. In a way, leaving those things behind in the car had only helped Haruka make sure that Taichi died.

But now, seeing the envelope in which his old passport and driver’s licence reside, Haruka doesn’t know what to think. They won’t do him any good since he isn’t Taichi anymore—they’re basically still here because Sumire once thought he’d died, and probably held onto them because of that. But why would she still have them now that she knows he’s actually alive and well, although not as the man depicted on the driver’s licence and passport?

“What do you want me to do with these?” Sumire asks.

Haruka takes the envelope from her, and opens it. Inside, he indeed finds Uehara Taichi’s old identification forms. It’s strange, seeing his old self there, staring back at him with eyes Haruka very much recognises as his own, but the rest looks… like someone else.

Now Kisumi’s and Aki’s words make sense. Now, Haruka sees it, too.

“Wow,” Aki mumbles next to Haruka. “That’s… wow. I’m… sorry, I need to get out and get some air,” she continues, more directed towards Sumire and Hiro.

“Oh, feel free, dear,” Sumire replies, looking completely clueless as to what may have caused Aki’s need to get out for a bit. Haruka has a hunch, and after Aki’s gone out the front door and Haruka’s given the envelope back to his mother, he follows Aki to find out.

She sits on the steps to Hiro and Sumire’s house, and has just lit a cigarette. Aki looks back at Haruka as he walks outside to sit next to her, and she offers him an empty smile.

“Sorry I left just like that,” Aki says. “I just… Seeing your old self there brought back memories of when we used to live and work here. When you were still Taichi and I was Natsumi. You know?”

Haruka exhales slowly. “Yeah, I know. It was… strange, seeing my old self. It feels like a lifetime ago that I was still Taichi, but it hasn’t even been three years.”

Aki laughs without even a single shred of humour. “Right? I keep asking myself if we’ll ever be free.”

“You and me both.”

The two friends sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes while Aki finishes her cigarette. Haruka isn’t concerned about what Sumire and Hiro will think; there could be plenty of reason for Aki to want to get out for a bit, and it doesn’t necessarily have to do with what she saw in the photos of Taichi. They could otherwise just say Taichi reminds her of someone she knew in the past—it really isn’t something Haruka’s worrying about. For now, he’s just focused on making sure Aki’s okay.

After a while, Aki taps her cigarette twice against her middle finger, making ash fall off of it onto the ground beneath the steps. “Maybe we should head back inside before they start to worry we might’ve just left.”

Haruka smiles, shaking his head. “After I’ve just found my mum again after almost three years? I think even _she_ knows I wouldn’t just leave like that.”

“I guess you’re right. Hey, what _do_ you want Sumire to do with your old licence and passport?”

Haruka frowns thoughtfully, but then he shrugs. “I don’t know. If she doesn’t need them anymore, then maybe… maybe I could take them back. Not to remind myself of the bad stuff, necessarily, but rather to remind myself that shit can work out in the end.”

“I like that,” Aki replies. “Okay, come on—let’s head back inside.”

 

* * *

 

When it’s starting to get dark outside, Haruka and Aki prepare to leave. Haruka promises to stay in touch with Sumire like he did Shizuka, and Sumire says she’ll come visit him in Iwatobi every now and then. Haruka wants to come back to Sendai, but he knows it’s probably a bad idea for both him and Aki to be in Sendai more than they have to. This was one such occasion, and there probably won’t be another urgent need for them to go back anytime soon.

“What a day, huh,” Aki says when they’re getting off the train close to their hotel. Haruka huffs through his nose, smiling.

“That’s an understatement if I’ve ever heard one. Hey… thanks. For being there with me.”

Aki softly bumps him in the side. “It was nothing, really. As much as I was against you coming with me here in the beginning, I’m glad you did. I wouldn’t have wanted to walk around in the red-line district alone.”

They stop at a nearby pizza place and get food to go, and then head back to the hotel. It’s been such a long day Haruka has a hard time believing it was _just_ a day, and not two or more. He got so much information and experienced so many emotions that it feels almost impossible it all happened that one day. Haruka assumes that might say something about his and Aki’s efficiency, but it probably also helps that they know the area like the back of their hands.

“This was a good decision,” Haruka says, mouth stuffed with pineapple pizza. Aki hums next to him on the bed, and her face is lit up with pure bliss. They hadn’t eaten anything since lunch that day, and it’s now almost nine in the evening. It’s safe to say they were both starving, and it’s made Haruka decide that this is the most delicious pizza he’s ever eaten (even though it probably isn’t).

“God, I know,” Aki replies. She leans against the headboard and closes her eyes briefly. “I can’t believe we did all this today, even though we knew the risks.”

“Neither can I. But I’m glad we did.” He pauses, hesitates a little. “Hey… can I ask you something?”

“Sure, what’s up?”

“Did you ever tell Gou about… well, your past? Anything?”

It’s a little awkward and maybe not even something he has the right to ask, but Haruka can’t stop himself from being curious. He knows there’s a lot of controls conducted by Shizuka to make sure her girls are always in good health and that they haven’t gotten an STD from one of their customers, since some of them refuse to use condoms. In rare cases, a girl gets infected, and it’s probably only been one time where Haruka heard of one who got HIV from a customer, who, of course, was then banned from ever returning to the area to look for sex workers.

He knows that, if he were to be with someone who had a past profession like Aki’s, he would definitely want to know, and he’d also want them to get themselves tested. It’s a matter of trust, and Haruka has seen a great deal of it between Aki and Gou, but he also doesn’t know how far Aki takes that.

Aki smiles a little. “Of course I did. The moment I knew we were getting serious, I sat her down for the talk with a capital T. I didn’t tell her _everything_ , but at least everything she needed to know. I was lucky to never get myself infected, though I knew girls who did, but I know Gou would’ve definitely wanted to know about… that past of mine.”

“Okay. I’m sorry if that was too much of me to ask.”

“Nah, it’s fine. It’s funny; after I left that life and came here, I realised I really don’t like having sex with men. Not even get close to them that way—I could never date a man after what I went through. I can’t trust them like that.”

Haruka can’t even imagine what it must’ve been like for Aki, even though he knew some of Shizuka’s girls, and is still good friends with Shizuka. There’s some things they won’t ever tell others no matter how close you get to them, and Haruka already knows more than he ever did about the sex work industry in Sendai thanks to Aki.

“I had… issues when I was first with a man after Ryuuhei,” Haruka confesses. “Actually, it still comes back to me sometimes. I freeze, panic, want to run away. I tend to react violently at times, too.”

Aki leans her head on his shoulder, and speaks up when she’s finished the last piece of the pizza slice she had in her hand. “It’s Kisumi, right?”

Haruka’s heart skips a beat, but he really doesn’t have to lie to her. Not Aki. Throughout the time he’s known her, and especially after finding out she’s a person from his past, he knows he can tell her almost anything.

“… Yeah, it is. We’re not dating, though. It’s complicated.”

“Doesn’t have to be,” Aki replies. “No romance, just sex?”

Now, Haruka laughs instead. He really was dumb for worrying, even if it was briefly. “Yeah. Well, that’s what it used to be.”

Aki hums. “That’s part of the reason why he’s moving out, isn’t it?”

“It is. We decided we shouldn’t be more than what we already are, because there’s a risk involved in that. We don’t wanna lose what we already have.”

“You two are smart; more people should think along those lines to save what they have. So, hey—that gives you even more of a reason to ask Sousuke to move in with you. He’s _single_ ,” Aki singsongs.

Haruka snorts, and takes a sip from his soda. “No.”

The next morning before checking out of the hotel, Haruka and Aki book evening flight tickets back home to Iwatobi. To Haruka, it feels like they’ve been in Sendai for a week, even though it was just a day.

“God, I know,” Aki laughs, and then she sighs, still smiling. “I’m so glad we did this, that we took the risk. It was good for the both of us, really.”

“It really was.”

They pack what little things they brought to Sendai into their luggage, and just as they’re done and about to head out, Aki stops at the door.

“Hey… since we have some time before we fly back home, do you wanna visit his grave?”

Haruka stops, too, and he looks at Aki with a frown. “Why?”

“I don’t know, closure? You could say whatever the hell you wanted; I don’t even have to walk inside the graveyard with you if you want privacy. It’s just an idea. It could help you get everything out that you never had a chance to before.”

Before he decides to open his mouth and fire off a negative reply, Haruka lets himself think about it for a bit. It could be good for him to get stuff off his chest, even if he’d just be talking to a headstone engraved with the name of his demon.

“You’re right,” he says. “It could be good for me.”

Before they leave, Haruka grabs a business card left on the table next to the window in their hotel room that he scribbles something down on. It just comes to mind as he thinks about going to visit Ryuuhei’s grave; the grave belonging to a man who, with his bare hands, managed to tear Taichi’s entire life apart, piece by piece. It’s been really tough recovering and finding himself after that, and sometimes, Taichi’s past still haunts Haruka to this day. But he’s determined to leave that life behind, and this is just another step in the right direction.

Ryuuhei’s headstone is inconspicuous, like literally any other. No flowers left by it, incense sticks stuck in the soil in front of or beside it. He didn’t have any family left in his life—either they’d passed away or he’d cut them out of his life for one reason or another, so his headstone is engraved with even less things than Taichi’s is on the other side of town. Even though Taichi isn’t actually buried there, Haruka’s glad that his former self doesn’t have to have his headstone in the same graveyard as Ryuuhei.

Aki follows Haruka into the graveyard, but they walk in complete silence. It’s still early in the day, and they’re the only ones present in said graveyard at that moment. Normally it would make Haruka a bit uncomfortable, especially considering whose headstone he’s standing in front of, but he’s really glad he’s got Aki by his side right now.

He looks down at Ryuuhei’s headstone, and his mind races. He has almost too many things that he wants to tell Ryuuhei after all this time of having built himself an entirely new and different life in Iwatobi from the life Taichi lived in Sendai.

_‘Look at where we are now; I survived you, but you couldn’t even survive an earthquake.’_

_‘The best way to tell you to fuck off is showing you me as I am today.’_

So many things come to mind, but nothing feels quite right. Nothing he can think of manages to perfectly encompass all of the struggles he went through as Taichi, everything he lost, all of the emotional and physical pain Ryuuhei caused him. So Haruka just stands there, lets the image of Ryuuhei’s headstone etch itself onto his retinas so he’ll never forget seeing what survival looks like.

And then he puts down the card he’d taken from the hotel room, placing it against Ryuuhei’s headstone. It’s probably a weird thing to do, but Haruka feels like it’s better doing it this way rather than saying it out loud.

 _Death is only the end if you assume the story is about you_.

The text is small, and will only be visible to people who get close enough, though Haruka knows probably no one will. The only one close enough to see it is the man himself, but he’s buried beneath the soil and grass of the graveyard.

As they’ve landed and are heading out of the airport, Haruka calls Kisumi to tell him that they’ve come back, and that he’s on his way home. He’s going to have a lot to talk about, and that there’s a possible slap in the back of his head waiting at home, too.

“I’ll see you at work tomorrow, then,” Aki says. “Back to real life, huh?”

“Yeah, I suppose so.”

Aki looks out over the street, a little smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. “You know, one of the first thing I noticed when I came here was that this town smells like the sea. Obviously, I know, but… to me, it _wasn’t_ obvious. You know?”

Haruka knows. The red-line district and suburbs of Sendai smelled like exhaust gas, cigarette smoke, alcohol. Sometimes you could come across more pungent smells caused by drug addicts and alcoholics, and at first, Haruka had found it nearly unbearable working in such conditions. But, as with almost everything else, he got used to it, and eventually he forgot what fresh air smelled like.

“I don’t ever wanna take this for granted. The scent of salt water, of fish, and just Iwatobi in general. It smells like freedom, however stupid that may sound.”

“I think you described it pretty well. And I agree.”

Aki grins. “See you tomorrow.”

They go their separate ways, and when Aki has disappeared, Haruka feels almost lonely. He’s never spent this much time around Aki, or anyone else besides Kisumi, and it’s weird. But it also makes sense; they have a lot in common, they now know more about each other than the others do, and they’ve become really good friends.

Before he went to Sendai, Haruka was terrified of returning, but now he’s glad he went. Again, it probably isn’t normal to be glad someone’s died, but Haruka can’t be anything but. Ryuuhei caused him so many troubles and so much emotional and physical pain that Haruka really can’t bring himself to even lie and say that it’s sad that someone who used to be close to him died in the earthquake he himself survived.

“I’m home,” he says when returning back to the house, and when Kisumi comes running across the hallway to attack-hug him so fiercely that they fall to the ground, Haruka laughs.


	11. if only they knew (they're late with their birthday wishes)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> June - a month during which Kisumi moves out of the house into his own apartment, and Haruka turns a year older.

**JUNE**.

 

“Well, I guess that’s that, then.”

“You can always come back if you forgot something.”

Kisumi smiles. “I know. Hey… you know this doesn’t change anything between us, right?”

“I know. You just have to promise to come visit, and I’ll return the favour.”

“Of course, Haru. Thanks for the help, too.”

“Anytime,” Haruka says. He grabs an envelope he’d left on the hallway table, and hands it over to Kisumi who’s standing outside the front door with a duffel bag over his shoulder. “Here. It’s the last of what I owe you.”

He’s been saving little by little every month since he started working at the café, having reached the amount he owed Kisumi about two months ago. This seemed like an appropriate time to give him the money; a time when Kisumi will probably need it the most.

Kisumi takes the envelope in hand, and his eyes widen a little. “Haru, I already told you that you didn’t have to. You already paid me back by letting me come to Iwatobi with you.”

“You can’t honestly say that’s a valid payment method, Kis. Just take it,” Haruka insists. “It’ll help cover the costs of whatever you’re still missing in your apartment. Like some of the things you left with me instead of taking for yourself.”

He hesitates, but Kisumi eventually puts the envelope into his pocket. He walks forward, and pulls Haruka into an embrace. “Alright. Thanks, Haru.”

Haruka snorts into the pink curls of Kisumi’s hair, returning the embrace. “You’re really bad at making this _not_ look like a goodbye, you know.”

“Yeah, I know.” Kisumi pulls back, and he grins. “Don’t be a stranger.”

“Likewise,” Haruka nods, and then Kisumi turns to leave. It’s a strange sight to see, and as much as Haruka doesn’t want to admit it… a little emotional, too. Kisumi taught him so many things, helped him a lot with his fear of getting close to people, and has always been someone Haruka knows he can trust. Even as Kisumi’s moved out and into his own place, that won’t change, but they both know things won’t be the same.

When Haruka’s closed the door behind him, he feels like the light has left his house. Kisumi is light personified; bright, warm, welcoming, yet sometimes a little overwhelming. Haruka hasn’t been used to that sort of thing, a person like Kisumi, being in his life—but as overwhelming as it had been at first, Haruka’s ultimately glad he took the chance in getting to know Kisumi.

Thanks to Kisumi, Haruka knows better than to sit around and mope following his friend’s departure from his house. He cleans the entire place from the ground up, rearranges furniture, picks flowers from the back garden to put in various colourful vases that he places around the bottom floor, as well as one on his bedroom’s windowsill. It feels therapeutic, makes the house feel like as if Haruka had just moved in and this is how he first decorated it. Except he’s lived there for over a year now, and the memories he’s made in that house remind him of how long it’s been.

“Haru, where’ve you _been_ for so long?”

Haruka takes a step back with the impact of Gou jumping into his arms, and he smiles into her hair. She’s cut it considerably shorter than she used to keep it—now it stops just below her shoulders, and it suits Gou a lot better than her previous hairstyle did. Makes her look more her age, but Haruka doesn’t tell her that since he knows women like to look younger than they actually are.

“Oh, you know. Here and there. Well, not _here_ , but elsewhere.”

Gou pulls back, and softly punches him in the stomach. “Hilarious. Come on in; Aki should be here any minute. Can I get you some tea, or coffee?”

“Tea would be great,” Haruka smiles at Gou. “Thanks.”

He makes himself comfortable in the living room by the kotatsu, listening to Gou as she hums an unfamiliar tune in the kitchen. Gou and Aki have a smaller apartment, but they’ve made great use of what space they have with clever furnishing. It does, however, feel more like Gou’s home than it does Aki’s.

“Here you go.”

Gou comes back and places a tray on the kotatsu top, sitting across from Haruka. He takes a cup of green tea from it, nursing the mug between his hands as he gently blows on the tea. It smells really nice.

“Thanks, Gou. I feel bad that I don’t visit often; I should remedy that.”

She smiles. “You should. I know you hang out with Aki all the time, but I’m here, too.”

“I know,” Haruka replies, ducking his head in shame as Gou laughs at him.

“You’re forgiven. How was Sendai?”

Though it was almost two weeks ago now, Haruka hasn’t talked to Gou about their visit to Sendai. He knows Aki has, of course, but Gou hasn’t heard his side of the story yet. Or at least not all of it.

“It was quite an experience,” he says. “A lot happened, a lot was found out, and I experienced many emotions. It was weird, but I’m glad we went. And I’m glad I had Aki with me.”

Gou puts her mug down, placing her hands in her lap. “It must’ve been tough on you both. Aki still suffers from those years, and while I don’t know your story, I know you probably do, too.”

Haruka’s glad Gou respects the fact that he might not want to tell her about his past. It isn’t that he can’t grow to trust her enough to share, but he also doesn’t want to tell every single one of his friends that he gets close to. The fewer that know, the better, and the less of a risk it is for there to be consequences.

“It was tough,” Haruka agrees. “But it was necessary, definitely.”

“Yeah.”

When Aki comes home, the three spend an evening together ordering takeout, and watching films. It still feels weird not having Kisumi with him wherever he goes, but Haruka knows that isn’t really normal, anyway. They’re still close, even if they don’t live under the same roof, and now it just takes a little effort to keep their friendship intact.

The most difficult thing to get used to, now that Kisumi doesn’t live with him anymore, is sleeping alone. Haruka suddenly finds the bed to be huge, and while he generally likes it nice and quiet, sometimes it’s _too_ quiet in the house. So he remedies it with music a lot of the time; music he plays from a wireless speaker standing on a table close to him when he paints or on a counter in the kitchen when he’s cooking.

Both Taichi and Haruka used to love peace and quiet, ambient sounds, and solitude. The sound of a city outside his window slowly coming to life again after a night’s rest, the sound of water coming to a boil, wind rustling in the trees. Throughout his life, Haruka has been surrounded by people almost all the time. At home with Sumire and  Tooru, then only with Sumire, then noisy university flatmates, then Ryuuhei, and most recently it was Kisumi who would disturb the silence Haruka likes so much. Or used to like, it seems.

Because Haruka realises, as it’s getting close to his twenty-seventh birthday, that he might not like living alone, after all, not when all he gets is all of this silence that’s suddenly louder than anything he’s ever had to listen to before.

 

* * *

 

On the last day of June, which falls on a Friday, Haruka is woken up by his phone ringing, but any anger he would normally direct at the person calling him so early is thrown out the window when he sees the name on his screen.

“ _Happy birthday, Haruka! God… don’t take this the wrong way, but it still feels a little weird calling you that_.”

Haruka smiles to himself, turning to lie on his back. “Thanks, Mum. That’s okay, it took me a while to get used to it, too.”

“ _That makes me feel a little better_ ,” she laughs. “ _Got work today?_ ”

“Yeah. I have to be there at seven before we open.”

“ _I figured, which was why I called you early. I’m sorry I can’t be there today, but I want to come and visit you in July, if that’s okay_.”

Haruka raises his eyebrows in surprise. Truth to be told, he hadn’t expected Sumire to want to visit so soon, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t happy. “I’d love to have you come and visit. Will it be just you, or will Hiro come, too?”

Sumire doesn’t say anything for a second too long, which makes Haruka confused. “ _He told me I can go see you alone. We want to take things slow, with introducing him into your life and all that. He just doesn’t want you to dislike him, you know?_ ”

“I… okay,” he says. “Yeah, that’s fine.”

It isn’t that he would mind having Sumire’s fiancé over, but he kind of agrees that maybe it would be a bit strange considering the fact that he’s only met the man once. He likes the idea of taking it slow, and already likes Hiro better for suggesting such a thing in the first place.

“ _I can’t wait to come see how you live_ ,” Sumire says, and Haruka hears the smile in her voice. “ _I’ve heard Tottori is beautiful._ ”

“It is. Well, just let me know when you can come down, and I’ll take time off work.”

Following his phone call with Sumire, a shower, and breakfast, Haruka walks into work being surprised by Aki and their manager, Suzuki, who have prepared a little cake for him in advance that they all share before opening the café. It feels a little strange to have cake so early in the morning, but it’s Haruka’s birthday, so he doesn’t really care. It’s been a long time since anyone did something like this for him, and while it feels strange, it makes him feel happy.

It’s rare for their manager to show up, and that isn’t because he’s irresponsible; they actually don’t need him to come in that often since all he does is take care of the paperwork, which Haruka and Aki thankfully never have to even see. Today, however, he’s made an exception to come in and celebrate Haruka’s twenty-seventh birthday, even if he doesn’t stick around for too long.

Makoto comes in before work as he normally does, wishing Haruka a happy birthday before ordering his morning coffee. Over the counter that separates them, Makoto hands Haruka a neatly wrapped gift with a bow on top that makes Haruka raise his eyebrows in surprise.

“What’s this?”

Makoto laughs. “What do you _think_ it is? It’s a birthday gift! It’s from both me and Rin, by the way—he told me to say hi. And happy birthday, of course.”

Since they don’t have many customers around this time, Haruka assumes it’s okay he takes the time in doing something not work-related, so he opens Makoto’s gift while his friend is still there. The box reveals a few seed packets with both flower and vegetable seeds, and many kinds of tea, most of which Haruka hasn’t even heard of. It’s a very thoughtful gift, probably the nicest thing he’s gotten in years.

“I figured since you like to garden and such,” Makoto explains. “It might be a little late to start planting now, though.”

Haruka shakes his head, and he smiles. “It’s fine; I can probably still get something to grow in a month or two before it gets cold. This is great, Makoto. Thank you.”

He’s always wanted to have a garden full of flowers and vegetables that he grew himself, and now Makoto’s helped him make that happen. It’s something Haruka’s always put off for some reason that he can’t even think of himself, so he’s glad he’s got friends who can do the thinking and doing for him in this case. And if anything, it’s another thing he can busy himself with as a distraction whenever needed.

Makoto, eager and terrible at keeping secrets as he is, tells Haruka he’ll be picked up to be taken to a restaurant that evening for his birthday dinner. In reality, Haruka knows it shouldn’t surprise him that his friends planned something for his birthday, but he still finds himself being taken by surprise when Makoto spills the beans. He hadn’t even thought of the fact that he, or at least _Haruka_ , is turning twenty-seven until just the other day, and it feels weird thinking that others probably thought about it earlier than he did.

“So, since I already accidentally told you about tonight, I might as well tell you Rin and I are picking you up,” Makoto says. “I’m not gonna say where we’re going, though.”

Haruka can’t help but smile, and he shakes his head. “Okay. Can you at least tell me if it’s far away from my house?”

“Mmm, it really isn’t, but Rin wants to drive there, anyway.”

“Can you be lazier than—”

_Ryuuhei’s car._

_The cliff._

_The guardrail._

_Taichi’s life flashing before his eyes as he careened off the side of that cliff._

“Haru? Hey, Haru, are you okay?”

Haruka comes out of his horrid memory when Makoto’s voice pulls him away from it, but by that point, he’s already very much reminded of the last time he’d been in a car, and he’s completely unable to hide that in his facial expression, as judged by the one Makoto’s making.

He smiles a little. “Yeah, sorry. Tell your lazy boyfriend we’ll walk instead; he probably doesn’t do that much at work if he’s so often put behind a desk.”

“You’re right,” Makoto laughs. “Sure, I’ll let him know.”

Once again, Haruka’s glad Makoto isn’t catching onto his sometimes blatantly suspicious behaviour. He knows Makoto isn’t daft, Makoto’s probably just grown up in an environment vastly different from Haruka’s, having very different life experiences. Haruka can say with certainty that Makoto hasn’t ever met someone who crashed a car during an earthquake, having developed an irrational fear of cars afterwards.

So, when Rin and Makoto ring Haruka’s doorbell and half-force him out to his no-longer-surprise dinner, Haruka’s glad to find out that Rin had accepted his request of walking to the restaurant instead of Rin driving them there. It’s still nice out, and the sun is only just now starting to set. He uses that as an excuse for their walk to downtown Iwatobi.

“Thank you for the gift, Rin,” Haruka says. “I got to thank Makoto properly earlier today, but I haven’t thanked you yet.”

Rin smiles widely. “Don’t sweat it. I’m just glad you liked it.”

Kisumi had given Haruka his gift in advance; he didn’t want to cause a commotion or anything, and preferred Haruka to be the only one to see his gift as he opened it. It contained several tubes of high-quality paint, as well as various paintbrushes—something Haruka will definitely need as he continues to paint every now and then to get back into painting the way he used to. Like Makoto’s gift, it’s very thoughtful, and something that obviously relates to Haruka a lot. As expected of the one who knows Haruka better than anyone.

When Makoto, Rin, and Haruka arrive at the restaurant, everyone else is already there, waiting outside in a big group. The sight reminds Haruka of his younger school years, and he stifles a laugh as he walks up to his friends. It’s nice to see that everyone was able to make it, that they took the time out of their day to spend it with Haruka on his birthday. A day, and an evening, that turns out into one of the best Haruka’s had in many, many years. It might just be _the_ best day he’s experienced; he can’t recall the last time he’s smiled and laughed as much as he does on his second twenty-seventh birthday.

They round up the evening on the pier; sitting and talking, and watching the sunset. Haruka couldn’t have wished for a better way to celebrate a birthday—modestly, and with good friends around him. It’s strange to meet Kisumi again like this, because up until not that long ago, he and Kisumi had lived together for over a year. But it’s a relief for Haruka to know that practically nothing has changed between them even though their circumstances have.

“Thanks for tonight,” he says, silencing the chatter around him. “I’m glad to be around you guys.”

“Aw, Haru,” Rin coos, but then he laughs, softly punching Haruka in the side. “I enjoyed it, too. And I know I’m not the only one. Happy birthday.”

“Now we’re only three years away from being thirty. Lucky Gou who has four left!”

Gou sticks her tongue out at Sousuke, who grins at her. “Have fun getting wrinkles before me.”

“That has absolutely nothing to do with how old you are. Have you _seen_ some people our age?”

Kisumi puts a hand over his heart, sighing dramatically. “You should see one of the guys at my office. He’s younger than me biologically, but he physically looks like he’s nearing his forties. Makes me want to start using anti-wrinkle creams already.”

Haruka laughs, as do the others around him. Age isn’t something that really bothers him, it’s just a natural thing he knows happens to everyone, albeit at varying speeds and in different ways. To be fair, Haruka thinks his genes will prevent him from getting wrinkles for quite a few years yet, since both of his parents still looked pretty young when their son was almost twenty. Sumire still looks young despite her forty-six years of age, and Haruka just hopes that’ll pass onto him, too.

He looks out at the red sliver just above the horizon, dangling with his feet from the pier and dipping his feet into the ocean. Slowly but surely, Haruka’s learning to live life like what he assumes is normal. It feels like it’s been so long since he had a normal life living with his parents, but it’s been less than ten years.

Haruka wonders if he’ll ever be able to _relax_ , though, considering how he got to Iwatobi as Haruka in the first place. Kisumi takes everything as it comes; he’s always careful, but he still lives life as normally as he can, saying there’s no point in worrying or people will eventually start to find you suspicious. So that’s what Haruka tries to do, as well.

“How does it feel being twenty-seven?”

Haruka looks to his side as Sousuke sits down next to him, and when Haruka looks back at the others, he realises Sousuke’s probably gotten tired of being active in that lively discussion going on among their friends. That’s at least what Haruka knows he would be after a while, even if he’d pretend to be more social than he actually is.

“Not that much different,” Haruka replies with a shrug. “It’s your turn in a few months, too. How do _you_ feel?”

“Don’t remind me,” Sousuke whines, and he shudders. “I’m not looking forward to thirty, that’s how I feel about aging.”

Haruka laughs. “Everyone handles aging differently.”

“You don’t say.”

It’s a short conversation that then fades out into comfortable silence, only disrupted by their friends who still manage to keep their conversations going. It isn’t that Haruka can’t keep one going, but he finds that just sitting there and _not_ talking is surprisingly nice—it doesn’t result in a silence that either he or Sousuke are desperate to fill.

When the sun has set, and it’s started getting chilly outside, the group decide on calling it a night and going their separate ways. Haruka, Aki, Gou and Sousuke end up walking together until they reach the train station, where the two women head in a different direction from Haruka. It’s only then that it hits him that Sousuke doesn’t live in this direction.

“Where are you headed?” Haruka asks, and Sousuke shrugs, still looking at Aki and Gou as their silhouettes shrink in the distance.

“Home.”

“Isn’t that in the opposite direction?”

“It… it is,” Sousuke replies, and even he seems surprised. “I guess I didn’t wanna end the conversation we got started just as we left the beach. Those two are good at reeling you in.”

Haruka laughs a little. “Yeah, they are. They’re great, though.”

“Yeah. So, I guess… since I’ve already come this far, can I walk you home?”

It’s a bit strange, but nothing Haruka would say no to. Making conversation with Sousuke on the way home is a good way to end his evening, because it’s just the kind of winding down Haruka finds himself wanting. He likes being with his friends, but sometimes, it gets a little exhausting being around, and talking to, many people all at once. And if there’s something Haruka’s found out about Sousuke, it’s that he seems to be similar to Haruka in that regard.

“I completely forgot to ask before, but what did Rin and Makoto get you for your birthday?”

Haruka glances to his side, and he smiles to himself. “Seeds and tea, simply put.”

“Seeds?”

“For planting. I’ve been wanting to plant vegetables in my backyard for a while now, but never got around to it. I guess now I have more reason than ever to do it.”

Sousuke hums. “I see. I thought you didn’t want anything, or I would’ve gotten you something, too.”

“I didn’t, but you know how Makoto and Rin are. Especially Rin.”

“I do,” Sousuke says, and he laughs. “You know they mean well, even though sometimes it can get a little much.”

They reach the hill leading up to Haruka’s house, a walk well-lit by lanterns on the stairway’s railings in the dark of the night. There isn’t a living soul around as most people have probably gone to bed by now. Haruka lives in an area mostly populated by families and elderly people, which he finds nice, as it isn’t very noisy.

“Thanks for walking me home,” Haruka says, and holds back the part about it not having been necessary. “And thanks for coming tonight.”

Sousuke smiles, and shakes his head. “Pleasure’s all mine. G’night, Nanase. Again, happy birthday.”

Haruka nods, and Sousuke turns around to leave. When Sousuke’s left, Haruka walks inside the house, locking after himself before heading for the bath tub. _Now_ his evening can end perfectly.


	12. relapse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruka spends Tanabata with Sousuke, before Sumire comes into town for a visit.

**JULY**.

 

One of the best parts about working at the café in summer is the change of menu items; smoothies and milkshakes make a return while some of the less popular tea and coffee drinks are temporarily taken out. Often when one of their friends or regulars come in to order coffee or tea, Aki and Haruka gasp in faked horror and stare at the person in question for being ballsy enough to order a hot drink on a hot summer day.

Today, it’s Rin’s turn, and he glares at his friends when they do their routine. “Give me a break! I _need_ this, or I won’t survive the day.”

“You mean your nearest co-worker won’t survive the day because you take out your sleep-deprivation on them?” Haruka asks nonchalantly while wiping a mug dry. Aki snort-laughs at that.

“He’s right—god knows how many times Sousuke’s complained to me whenever you’ve gone off on him,” Aki fills in. Rin’s eyes widen, and he slams his hands on the counter, leaning forward. A mother and her young son sitting by a window table turn around with alarm, and Haruka puts a hand up with a smile to show there’s nothing to worry about. For them, that is.

“Hey, I don’t do that! The fuck is he _telling_ you guys?”

“Nothing of the sort, actually; I’m just assuming.”

Rin makes a noise Haruka thinks sounds constipated, and then he takes his double espresso to go, and leaves to the sound of Aki laughing.

“God, I love teasing him. Hey, help me carry that box in the back with coffee beans?”

Now since they don’t have many customers coming in, Haruka and Aki take care of deliveries. Things go up on shelves, are arranged behind the counter, and shoved wherever there’s space in the back. When they’re done, Haruka returns to the front where he cleans the coffee machine. For a job that sounds very monotonous, it really isn’t. Haruka enjoys what he’s doing for a living, and that’s something he never thought would be possible wherever he ended up. It really helps working with someone he gets along with so well, and also having regulars he knows and enjoys talking to.

“Oh hey,” Aki says as she comes in with the newspaper that came in earlier that morning. “Tanabata’s coming up. You got any plans?”

Haruka shrugs. “I never do. I might head downtown to check out the festival for a bit, though. What about you?”

“Gou and I are probably dressing up and going down to the festival, too, so we might see you there, then. I know Makoto and Rin won’t be in town since they’re spending Tanabata in Saga with Makoto’s parents. What’s Kisumi up to?”

“He’s not much for festivities. But I think he said he’s working that day, anyway.”

Aki hums, and she puts the paper down again. “To each their own, I guess.”

Haruka almost asks what Sousuke might be up to on the seventh, but he figures it’s probably better if he asks Sousuke himself. They all went down as a gang last year to downtown Iwatobi for the festival, so this will be the first year for Haruka in Iwatobi that he’ll have to either spend it on his own or come up with something himself.

After work when he and Aki have gone their separate ways, Haruka sends off a text to Sousuke on his way to the grocery store.

[ _you up to anything on friday, or do you have to work?_ ]

 

[ _nah, nothing planned. day off. why, do u?_ ]

 

He doesn’t, obviously, but Haruka doesn’t want to just sit inside and be boring, either. And on days like Tanabata, you really don’t _need_ to have plans since there’s a festival in town where you can go and not really put in too much of an effort to still have a good time.

[ _maybe, if you’d wanna join me at the festival downtown?_ ]

 

It isn’t like he’s asking Sousuke just because everyone else is busy; he’d ask Sousuke regardless, but maybe Sousuke just wouldn’t be the _first_ person Haruka would ask. (Haruka just doesn’t want to admit that yes, Sousuke _would_ be the last person he asks to hang out because they aren’t as good friends as Haruka is with literally everyone else.) He hopes that maybe this can change if they hang out more often, because the few times they actually do meet up, Haruka has noticed they have more than a few things in common and could probably become good friends.

Just as he’s paid for his groceries and is heading out the automatic doors, Haruka’s phone vibrates in his pocket again. He waits until he’s back home to read the message as he’s unloading his groceries into the fridge and cupboards.

[ _sure, that sounds great. pick u up at 7?_ ]

[ _clever! yeah that sounds good_ ]

 

Haruka hadn’t expected that initiative, but appreciates it nevertheless. He just hopes Sousuke won’t come in his car, because that both means they’re driving the pointless two minutes it takes to get downtown by car, and it also means that Haruka will have to be in a car. He’s once again reminded of how grateful he is he doesn’t really have to take the car anywhere he regularly goes in Iwatobi since everything’s relatively close.

 

* * *

 

As expected of a Friday, the café is kept busy at all times throughout the day. The thing is, it gets a lot worse since it’s also Tanabata. But with extra help from Chigusa and Kazuki, they keep a steady flow and the stress level manageable. In Haruka’s opinion, this still beats standing around in an empty café doing absolutely nothing. He likes feeling busy when he’s working, likes feeling like he’s getting stuff done. And this Friday, he certainly does get things done.

After work, Haruka heads home for a bath, a little snack, and to relax for a bit before Sousuke comes to pick him up. He plans on filling up on street foods, so even though it’s tempting to make something at home, Haruka doesn’t. Instead, he busies himself by trying to pick out an outfit for the evening. He doesn’t want to be too casual, yet not too dressed up, either.

Thinking back on past Tanabata celebrations, Haruka recalls a young Taichi wearing a yukata for the first time, how he’d been so embarrassed since he was afraid he’d get bullied by other kids he’d bump into, how the geta gave him blisters by the end of the evening because of how they cut into his feet and were too hard for his soles. Now, Haruka definitely wouldn’t mind wearing a yukata—in fact, he’d almost prefer it since it would save him the troubles of picking out an outfit to wear instead.

With a frustrated sigh, Haruka pulls out a t-shirt with broad light blue and white stripes, and a pair of light brown three-quarter trousers. Casual it is. He just really hopes Sousuke won’t take Tanabata too seriously, and dress up to make Haruka look like an idiot next to him.

Two minutes to seven, Haruka’s doorbell rings, and he gets off the couch to go greet Sousuke. To his relief, Sousuke dressed himself casually for the evening as well, wearing a grey polo with jeans.

“Punctual,” Haruka says with a grin, and Sousuke rolls his eyes.

“What, did you think I wouldn’t be?”

“No. I appreciate that, is all.” Haruka grabs the few pieces of paper he’d placed on the hallway table along with a pen, and stuff them into his shorts pocket. “Let’s go.”

Downtown Iwatobi is bustling with life as it should on an evening like this. The air is warm, and it smells like food and the smoke from sparklers. Haruka and Sousuke watch the parade as it passes, and buy food from some of the food stalls they pass on their walk through town down towards the beach. Many people have already gathered on the beach to see the fireworks, even though there’s still plenty time left.

“Hey,” Haruka says. “Let’s go up to the temple first.”

Sousuke stops, and looks back at Haruka with brief confusion before he nods. “Sure.”

The temple isn’t too far away from where Haruka lives, so they still hear the hustle and bustle of downtown Iwatobi as they walk up the steps. There are lanterns lit around the temple area, casting a warm, golden light as the sun sets, and it also makes it easier to see where they’re walking.

Most people have probably already been to the temple to tie up their tanzaku to the bamboo next to the temple, because there aren’t many people around when Sousuke and Haruka arrive. Haruka takes out his tanzaku and pen, putting them down on a bench which he uses as his writing surface. He really hopes his tanzaku aren’t too thin so that they’ll break once he attempts to tie them to the bamboo branches.

“You want one?” he asks Sousuke, who looks down at the scraps of paper, and nods once.

“Yeah. Thanks.”

Haruka hasn’t been actively thinking about what to write down on his tanzaku, but a few things come to mind as he thoughtfully plays with the pen between his fingers. He thinks of what Aki told him about the first time she came to Iwatobi and how she thought that Iwatobi smells like freedom. Freedom isn’t something Haruka has gotten used to, and he doesn’t think he ever will—or at least, he knows he won’t ever take it for granted since he knows what it’s like to be in the opposite situation where freedom is a completely foreign concept.

Thinking of Aki’s words, Haruka writes down his wishes, and hands over the pen to Sousuke before he gets up to tie his tanzaku to the bamboo branches. A little boy is struggling to tie his piece of paper to a branch, making frustrated noises as he tries to stretch further up while standing on his toes. Haruka crouches down next to the boy, offering help, to which the boy lights up and smiles. He thanks Haruka, who very carefully ties the tanzaku to a branch successfully, and then he boy runs back to his mother, who turns around and waves at Haruka.

“That was nice of you,” Sousuke says, joining Haruka. “All done here?”

“All done. What’d you write on your slip?”

Sousuke snorts. “Not telling you. What about you, then?”

“I’m not saying, either.”

“Figured as much.”

They go back down to the beach, finding a spot just as the fireworks start lighting up the sky. It’s a very beautiful display that leave people around them utter noises of wonder and surprise; children point up at the sky excitedly, and even Haruka’s amazed by the spectacle. The firework display goes on for a good fifteen minutes or so until they slowly fade out, and people start leaving the beach area. Sousuke and Haruka still remain, watching people around them and sitting in the sand still warm from the day.

“Let’s walk the beach,” Sousuke suggests. “It’s really nice during this time of night.”

“Okay.”

They get up and brush themselves off, and start walking along the beach. Haruka takes his shoes off to walk in the shallow water, letting the waves gently splash against his ankles. It’s a little cold now, but it’s still nice. He’s glad he decided on getting out tonight instead of staying in like Kisumi planned on doing.

“How come you got the day off?” he asks Sousuke.

“Some other poor bastard took my shift. I don’t mind; I’m glad I got the day off.”

Haruka smiles. “I bet.”

“How was the café today?”

“Busier than normal,” Haruka replies. “We got some extra help, though, so it was definitely manageable.”

Sousuke hums. “Why _do_ you only work two at a time there?”

“It’s actually easier most of the time. It’s not that big, and when we don’t have as many customers as we do on holidays, it’s obviously more expensive to keep more people there, and you’d have to stand around doing nothing a lot.”

“Right, that makes sense. But you like it?”

“I do. One day I’d like to move up to the restaurant business, though, but for now, I like working at the café.”

Honestly, one of the main reasons why Haruka still hasn’t made the move, is Aki. She’s probably the best person Haruka could ever work with, as she’s very much like himself in terms of work ethic and cleanliness. Aki makes work _fun_ , and Haruka guesses it’s probably not very common for people to constantly look forward to work the next day. But he does, and he definitely doesn’t want to just throw that way.

The two of them walk along the beach, and just talk. Haruka finds Sousuke really easy to talk to, and he has to be careful so that he doesn’t reveal _too_ much about himself and his past. That’s the only disadvantage to meeting someone he clicks with, and Haruka really wishes the circumstances would’ve been different. It just isn’t the same thing to talk about a person he’s made up, rather than just telling the truth and not having to think about what he says. There are still _some_ things he can be truthful about, and that’s how they get into the subject of Kisumi moving out, which Sousuke obviously heard from Gou first.

“Have you started looking for a new place yet?” Sousuke asks, and Haruka shakes his head, kicking some sand off his feet before he puts his shoes back on.

“Not yet. I like the house so much that I’m procrastinating the apartment hunting.”

Sousuke laughs. “Well, it _is_ a nice house, so I can’t blame you.”

It’s getting late, and most of the people in central Iwatobi, including the festival workers, have already gone home. Haruka knows he and Sousuke are about to go their separate ways, too, and it suddenly hits him that he doesn’t want to go back home. He’s spent an entire evening out with Sousuke, among many other people, and now he’ll return to the dead silence of his house that lost its light and life when Kisumi moved out.

If anything, that’s at least an incentive for Haruka to seriously start looking for a new place to live, other than the fact that he can’t _afford_ to live there alone for too long.

“Thanks for tonight,” Sousuke says. “This was a good idea.”

Haruka smiles. “I should thank _you_ for tagging along. Good night, Sousuke.”

“Night, Haru.”

 

* * *

 

There’s a ceaseless ringing on his doorbell that wakes Haruka from his sleep the following Saturday morning. He realises, when picking up his phone, that while it _is_ Saturday, it technically isn’t morning anymore. That still doesn’t make it okay for whoever’s at Haruka’s door to be abusing his doorbell like this. Getting out of bed, Haruka thinks it’d better be really damn urgent to make it worth getting out of bed.

“What the hell,” Haruka deadpans, slowly blinking and frowning at Rin outside his house. “It’s just _you_.”

Rin snorts in clear offence. “Wow. Is that how you greet a friend?”

“On my day off work when I’m forced out of my bed, yes. Why’re you here?”

“Jeez, can’t a man just come over to have breakfast with, like I said, a friend?”

“Breakfast?” Haruka asks, feeling almost like a dog whose ears perk up when someone suggests going for a walk. Rin laughs at him.

“Yes, breakfast—I brought some for us both. Let’s have breakfast, and then I’ll get outta your hair, because I have other obligations closer to lunch.”

Well, at least there’s that as an attempt to redeem himself—Makoto had once shown up unannounced with absolutely nothing to offer but his mere presence and company. Haruka hopes Makoto is still grateful that it was enough. It’s really only Makoto, though; for some reason, Haruka can’t bring himself to be harsh on him like he would literally anyone else if they did the exact same thing.

Haruka relents, and lets Rin inside. He’s really only being mean like this because he likes teasing Rin, and seeing Rin’s reactions since he can get fired up really easily. The good thing about that, though, is that he gets over things quickly unless they’re worth getting upset over.

Rin puts his plastic bag down on Haruka’s kitchen table, from which he pulls out food containers with rice, miso soup, mackerel, and steamed vegetables. The sight makes Haruka almost drool, not to mention the wonderful scent of mackerel and miso soup that emanates from the containers. Rin’s timing is impeccable, and the realisation makes Haruka forgive him for coming by unannounced.

“God, that looks good,” he says, and Rin flashes him a wide smile.

“Right? There’s this restaurant close by us that makes amazing breakfast food. Most of their other stuff is good, too, but I mainly go there for breakfast.”

Since Kisumi moved out, Haruka’s had to eat breakfast by himself in the house, so it’s nice to have some company again, even if it’s just this morning. Though Haruka suspects this’ll happen again considering Rin’s love for showing up unannounced at any time of day. Initially, Haruka had found it annoying and rude, wondering how the hell Makoto put up with it before they moved in together. But now, Haruka for the most part doesn’t mind it too much.

Unless he’s forced out of bed, in which case he _will_ be grumpy at first, regardless of who’s at the door.

“So how _was_ yesterday?” Rin asks. Haruka gives him a tired look.

“Why, are you jealous?”

“God no; I’m _curious_. He barely said a thing, so I have to ask you instead.”

Haruka snorts. “Maybe he didn’t say a thing because it’s got nothing to do with you. It was okay, I guess.”

“’Okay’,” Rin echoes, and he shakes his head. “Men of few words, you two.”

“What, did you want an extended version? Like, do you wanna know what we ate? How many tanzaku were tied to the bamboo by the temple? I didn’t exactly count, so I’m sorry to disappoint you there.”

Rin laughs at that, and he puts his hands up in a surrendering gesture. “You’re right. I just found it funny that the two of you would hang out. Though on the other hand, maybe it’s not that weird considering how similar you are.”

“Really? Similar how?”

“Well, you’re not social butterflies, both always having a deadpan expression on your faces and speak in boring, monotone voices, you’ve got similar personalities… I’m surprised you haven’t noticed.”

“Boring, monotone voice? Wow, thanks, Rin.”

Rin flicks a grain of rice at Haruka, who dodges. “That’s _exactly_ what I’m talking about!”

Haruka likes cooking, but sometimes he thinks it’s okay to be lazy and get takeout, even for breakfast. This place Rin talked about makes really good food, and Haruka commits the restaurant’s name to memory so he can go there himself someday.

“How was Saga?” he asks Rin, suddenly feeling bad that he never did ask how Rin and Makoto’s Tanabata went with Makoto’s parents.

“It was great! Their festival is very different from Tottori’s, but it was a nice change. Makoto’s parents are as generous as ever… I always feel bad for us crashing at their place when we visit. Well, when I say ‘us’ I mostly mean myself, of course. He’s their son.”

Haruka smiles. “But you’re their son’s boyfriend.”

“True, but it’s different. We’re on good terms, and I’ve known them for a long time, but it still feels weird.”

Rin’s insecurity and his relationship with Makoto makes Haruka think back to how easy it was for him to come out to Sumire, even though most of the talk about Ryuuhei was anything _but_ easy. Coming out was easy, but he’s also single, and knows it might not be smooth sailing if he ever starts dating and wants to introduce his boyfriend to Sumire. He doesn’t want to be too optimistic, since it could easily come back and bite him in the ass. He’s experienced too many situations in which he’s been let down even when he hadn’t dared having hope.

As earlier promised, Rin leaves after breakfast, which Haruka thanks him for. He promises to return the gesture, and Rin just smiles, shakes his head, and tells Haruka it isn’t necessary. But Haruka feels it is, not because it’ll even out the amount Haruka owes Rin, but because of the whole give-and-take principle. Rin, though, is a generous person who doesn’t mind doing more giving than taking, but Haruka’s one of those people who feel indebted even if people tell him he isn’t.

When Rin’s left, Haruka makes himself some lunch, and then decides to take his easel out into the back garden to paint. It’s a bit of an ordeal to transport the easel down the stairs and out the back, but it’s well worth it as the weather is nice, and his surroundings give him inspiration to paint a landscape full of flowers and greenery. A cat comes by at some point and strokes itself against Haruka’s legs, but when it realises he isn’t going to put food out, it leaves.

The paints Haruka got from Kisumi are incredibly nice, thick enough to not let any underlying colours show, the only disadvantage being that they take longer to dry. Haruka almost feels bad for using them since they’re definitely expensive considering the high quality, but he also knows Kisumi wouldn’t want him to let them just lie around.

Ever since Haruka started painting again since graduating university, he started off with small canvases. Even now, he’s using a small canvas, because he’s still a little too lazy to commit to a bigger one, and he’s also unsure of whether any of his ideas will look good on bigger canvases. One day, though, Haruka would love to paint something really big to hang in a central area of his home, but for right now, he doesn’t have the right idea for such a painting.

With his paint drying, Haruka doesn’t have much else to do, so he decides to give Kisumi a call, heading back inside to make himself some lunch. He realises, as he’s opened his fridge to figure out what to cook, that he needs to go grocery shopping again very soon. Even so, he at least has enough ingredients lying around to make a cold noodle dish with some vegetables on the side.

Kisumi sounds excited the very second he picks up, something that isn’t surprising but always appreciated by Haruka. “ _Haru, hey! How’s it going?_ ”

“Pretty well, thanks,” he says, and smiles at the sound of Kisumi’s exuberant voice. “How are you?”

“ _I can’t complain. I’m glad you called!_ ”

“Well, one of us has to,” Haruka jokes, and they both laugh. “Have you settled in okay?”

“ _Oh, I have. I’m gonna invite you over for dinner sometime soon, so you can come see it. I’ve kind of banned people from coming over until now_ — _there’s been boxes everywhere, and I didn’t want you all to think I’m gonna be on a new episode of ‘Hoarders’._ ”

Haruka laughs. “I always took you for a hoarder, though; you should really apply for the show and do something about that weird obsession of yours.”

“ _God, I know. I will, I promise. How’s your planting going?_ ”

“It’s going okay, well, for the few seeds I planted. I knew it was a little too late in the season to start anything too ambitious, but I planted a few flowers, as well as lettuce and cucumbers.”

“ _Oh, but how exciting! Hopefully you’ll have something for your salad before it starts getting cold again_.”

“Yeah.”

Haruka goes silent, and he chews on his lower lip. At some point during their call, his leg started bouncing up and down without Haruka noticing it, and he slowly comes to realise why. Habits are hard to break, and Haruka wonders if maybe this one was closer to an addiction more than anything.

“ _Listen, I’ve gotta go, but it was great talking to you, Haru! We should get together soon. For lunch, or dinner, doesn’t matter_ — _and then you’ve also gotta come see my place, of course._ ”

“Right,” Haruka replies. “As soon as possible?”

“ _As soon as possible_.”

They hang up, and Haruka’s just about finished making lunch. Before he heads out back, he sees a few cats have decided to drop by, so he prepares some food for them and takes his own lunch out to the porch, so he can sit and pet them while enjoying lunch.

He used to want pets when he was younger, but his father had a fur allergy that prevented them from ever getting cats or dogs. Tooru still liked animals, though, and would sometimes ignore his allergy to pet dogs he came across. That’s something Haruka often thinks about now that he lives in a house which stray cats come to visit so often.

Haruka heads back inside quickly to wash up his plate and cutlery, and then goes back out to finish his painting. Even after they’ve finished what Haruka put out on the little serving plates, the cats stick around for a bit, resting on the porch, stroking themselves against his legs, playing in the grass. He’s often thought about wanting to get his own pets one day, but considering how often he has feline visitors, maybe he doesn’t need his own.

There’s also the financial bit to think about when getting his own cats, like veterinary visits and such. And with how he’ll soon have to move into a smaller place, most definitely an apartment, maybe cats wouldn’t be such a good idea, after all.

Having finally finished his piece, albeit of a smaller canvas size, Haruka takes the canvas off the easel to hang on a hook in the hallway for the time being. It’s a shame he can’t keep this house, because Haruka really would’ve wanted to decorate the walls with his own art. That’s not to say he can’t do that if he lives in an apartment, but he doesn’t feel like it’d be the same thing. Besides, he doubts he’ll be able to afford an apartment big enough where he can paint comfortably amongst his furniture.

When his doorbell rings, Haruka fully expects it to be Rin again, but he doesn’t know _why_ Rin would come back if he had plans later during the day. Only when Haruka opens the door does he realise how dumb it was of him to assume, but he’s also surprised to see whoever’s right in front of him.

That isn’t to say he’s disappointed, of course.

Kisumi walks right into Haruka’s arms, kicking his shoes off in the hallway and barely managing to shut the door behind him before they head upstairs. The great thing about the relationship they have that’s developed over the past year and a half is that they don’t need to say a word for the other to understand. Kisumi would even know if Haruka didn’t want to hop on the relapse train with him, and Haruka knows he’d be okay with that.

But he knows it’s temporary; it’s just this one time, and then they’re done having sex with each other like this. Kisumi needs to move on, and so does Haruka. He’s fully intent on doing so, too, and not because he dislikes Kisumi—it’s rather the opposite. Haruka knew he shouldn’t have expected it to be easy to stop being so dependent on having Kisumi around all the time, and that either of them would be bound to relapse. Maybe he’s just a little surprised it’d hit both of them, and at the same time, at that.

 

* * *

 

Standing on the platform of Iwatobi station, to which Sumire's train will arrive any minute, makes Haruka think of when he last went to Sendai with Aki. Though not a lot has happened since then, it certainly feels like it has. Haruka is once again in contact with Shizuka, and—most importantly—his mother, and he also knows that his demon has died. Haruka doesn’t know if he’ll want to go back to Sendai anytime soon, but he knows that if he does, he’ll have to bring Aki. They’re still in regular contact with Shizuka, but Haruka wants to see her in person more often, which means they’ll have to go to her, since she can’t leave Sendai.

He’d let Suzuki and Aki know a few days before that Sumire was coming into town, and that he wouldn’t be coming into work this Friday. Ever since he started working at the café, Haruka’s only ever taken a day off a handful of times, with sick days included. It isn’t as if he’s really had any reason to take time off work before, and with him rarely getting sick, his reasons grow even fewer.

Haruka leans against a pillar outside the station, impatiently and nervously tapping his foot against the ground repeatedly. It isn’t anywhere near like when he and Aki went to her house in Sendai, but Haruka’s still a little nervous. This time, Sumire comes to him in Iwatobi, and it isn’t the opposite. The big change is that Haruka no longer lives in Sendai, and that he’s established a completely new life far away from his mother. So, more than anything, he guesses he feels guilty, but he’s also nervous since it’s Sumire’s first time visiting Tottori.

Sumire flew down to Tokyo where she stayed for a night, and then took a train from the capital down to Tottori. She told Haruka she didn’t mind the longer trip as she wanted to see Tokyo on her way down, anyway, and just considered it a bonus alongside getting to see her son again. Haruka’s never been to Tokyo, though considering how intimidating he found Sendai the last time he went, he wonders if maybe it’s for the best that he hasn’t been to the huge metropolis that is Tokyo.

“It’s so nice to see you again, Haruka.”

Sumire embraces her son, and Haruka hugs her back, a little more moved by her words than he thought he’d be. Even though they’d just seen each other two months ago, that had been the first time they met in two entire years, during which a lot of things happened, and changed, in their lives. Now, meeting again, a new kind of relationship forms between them where they’re still mother and son, but in a different way than before. Not just because they live far apart, but because of their circumstances otherwise.

“Likewise,” Haruka says, and Sumire pulls back a bit to take in the surroundings.

“It smells like the ocean here. Obviously, but… it’s so different from Sendai. I can see myself coming back here more often just to see the ocean and smell the salt, and I’m very aware of how that sounds.”

Haruka smiles. He knows exactly what she means, having felt relief upon returning to Tottori when he and Aki had gone to Sendai two months prior. Sendai may have been his home growing up, and it’s still where Sumire lives, but Haruka feels like he belongs in Iwatobi now. It makes him feel a little guilty feeling that way, but he hopes Sumire will understand.

Before heading out for lunch, Haruka takes Sumire back to his house so she can drop off her luggage. He thinks it’s fun to show her around Iwatobi, to show her where he’s been living since the earthquake struck Sendai. She’s constantly fascinated by how different it is from Sendai in many aspects: the people they walk past and sometimes greet, the general lifestyle, living in a seaside town… it almost looks to Haruka as if Sumire’s considering moving. But he knows she still has a life in Sendai, a _new_ life with someone new in her life, and Haruka wouldn’t want to take her away from that even if she _is_ his mother.

“I really like your house. It feels like you… if that makes sense.”

Haruka smiles. “Thanks. I won’t be living here for too much longer, though.”

“Why not?”

“Too expensive,” Haruka says, sighing. “And maybe a little too big to live in alone.”

Sumire frowns a little. “That’s too bad. Don’t you know of someone who would want to move in with you? This _is_ a really nice house, after all, and a shame to have to get rid of.”

Sousuke’s comment on the house suddenly pops up in Haruka’s mind, since it’s so very similar to what Sumire just told him. He really would’ve loved to keep the house, mostly because going house- or apartment-hunting to then move is a pain, but also because he really likes the house he and Kisumi got together. Reality isn’t that kind to him, however, and he either needs to find a new roommate, or a completely new place to live that’ll be nicer to his wallet.

“I don’t,” he says. “It’s probably for the best, anyway.”

“If you say so.”

Haruka takes his mother to a seafood restaurant down by the beach. It’s a place he’s been to many times before, with Kisumi for the most part, but also with their other friends. His favourite dish is the tuna bowl, but he decides to try something new instead. Sumire, however, decides to try Haruka’s favourite.

“As expected of a seaside town,” she smiles. “I’m jealous of you, Haruka. This is a nice place to live, and then you’ve got restaurants like this one practically right on your doorstep.”

Haruka laughs at that. “Yeah, I guess we hit the jackpot moving here.”

“Speaking of which, where did your friend move to?”

“He moved into his own apartment closer to Uradome. Maybe I should look around there, too; it’s a nice area.”

The apartments around Uradome and the coast are a little more expensive than other apartments in the area, but it would still be a cheaper alternative for Haruka compared to his house. Living near Uradome would be a little further away from work, but Haruka wouldn’t mind. At some point, maybe he’ll get a car again to make it easier getting around, but for now, Haruka’s perfectly fine with walking, using public transport, and occasionally biking wherever he needs to go.

“Wait a sec, that’s _Haru_! Hey, Haru!”

Haruka turns his head to the side, and he sees officers Sousuke and Rin walking inside the restaurant he and his mother are just about to leave. Maybe he should’ve expected he would run into someone he knows—it’s a Friday, and it’s very common for people to go out and eat for lunch as a celebration of the incoming weekend.

“Hey,” he says, greeting both with a nod. “Fancy meeting you both here.”

“Indeed. Who’s your lunch date?”

Sumire laughs, and she takes a step forward to greet Haruka’s friends. “I see you have quite the charming friends here, Haruka. Uehara Sumire; I’m Haruka’s mother.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Sousuke says, and gives a light bow with his head. Haruka raises his eyebrows at the unexpected courtesy, but he doesn’t comment on it. Rin is, still, all smiles, and if Haruka didn’t already know he’s in a devoted relationship with Makoto, Haruka would’ve thought Rin’s about to hit on his mother.

“Have you been in town long?” Rin asks Sumire.

“No, I came in from Sendai earlier today, actually. I’m staying the weekend to spend some time with my son, but then I’m going back home. I’m glad I got to meet some of Haruka’s friends while down here.”

Sousuke raises his eyebrows, and only when noticing this does the alarm go off in Haruka’s head that he should’ve told Sumire to _not_ be so talkative should they run into someone Haruka knows. _Especially_ the police officers. As dumb as it is to hope, Haruka can’t help but wish that Rin and Sousuke don’t think too much about it. He’s already told them before that he and Kisumi moved to Iwatobi from Niigata, so hopefully Rin and Sousuke will just assume that Sumire moved to Sendai.

He doesn’t often think about the past he has to hide anymore, and Haruka realises now how he has to continue doing so in order to keep himself out of trouble. He’s known his friends in Iwatobi for two years now, but no amount of time will ever erase his need to hide his past. The same goes for Kisumi, of course, but he’s a little better at lying and hiding things than Haruka is.

“That’s quite a trip to make,” Sousuke comments, which really doesn’t help ease Haruka’s sudden bout of nervousness. “Though I can understand you would want to do that for your son.”

Sumire smiles, and looks at Haruka. “I’d come visit even if we lived in different countries. Though I would obviously stay for longer than just a weekend if that were the case.”

They make a little smalltalk before Haruka and Sumire let Rin and Sousuke get their lunch, and the two leave the restaurant to continue on with their day. The weather is nice: sunny with light winds that prevent it from getting to hot to be walking outside. Haruka and Sumire walk down by the beach, and get ice cream at one of the stands. It’s a little reminiscent of when Haruka was a child, when he and both of his parents used to go down to the park close to his middle school.

“What are you thinking about?”

Haruka looks at Sumire to his side, and realising he’s been spacing out. He smiles, and shakes his head. “Nothing. I’m just glad you’re here.”

“Likewise, Haruka. I’m so proud of you, for getting past everything, and making it all the way here. You have no idea how good it felt to tell myself that I’d been wrong for so long, that you _weren’t_ dead. And now you’re almost on the other side of the country, living in a nice house in a beautiful town, and you have kind people around you. Nothing could ever make me happier.”

Haruka feels warm, and his smile widens. They’ve both been through a lot, though very different experiences. But they’ve managed to build their lives back up again, and their relationship is stronger than it ever was.

 

* * *

 

Even though Haruka’s now lived in Tottori for two years, he has yet to start taking things around him for granted. Living close to the beach, smelling the salt from the ocean whenever he’s outside central Iwatobi, greeting many people passing by—it’s all become a part of his everyday life, but he still really appreciates it, always thinking about the fact that it could be worse. Haruka knows it isn’t like that _everywhere_ in Sendai; the areas where he worked and where his mother lived were as different as night and day.

“Do you think about your dad anything these days?”

Haruka looks at his mother by his side. She’s looking out at the ocean, arms over the wooden railing on the pier, with her hair blowing in the wind. Haruka detects a bit of sadness in her expression, but he doesn’t ask—he knows.

“Sometimes, yeah. Do you?”

“Of course I do. He left us far too soon.”

Haruka exhales slowly through his nose, and he leans his head on Sumire’s shoulder. “Yeah.”

“I don’t want you to think I have forgotten about Tooru now that I’m with Hiro. I’ll never forget him, but… I had to move on.”

“I understand,” Haruka replies. “And you deserve to. I know you’re happy.”

“I am. Thanks, Haruka.”

He can’t lie, though; there’s been a few times up until now after they met again in Sendai that Haruka thought his mother had cheated on Tooru by moving on so soon with someone else. Now, he knows he can’t judge. Sumire has most definitely done a lot of grieving, and she still is, but Haruka can’t deny her happiness even if she finds it in someone else other than his father. She’ll probably never get over Tooru’s death, but that doesn’t mean Sumire can’t find love again.

“What about you?”

Haruka turns to face his mother. “What do you mean?”

“Are you happy?”

Even if Haruka wouldn’t be able to tell by the tone of Sumire’s voice, he’d know what she meant by the question most people would think of as a very trivial one. Though he’d originally been scared of what she’d think, Haruka’s now glad he told Sumire everything. It helps him to get that much closer to moving away from it, but it also strangely enough strengthened Haruka’s bond to his mother. She’s very obviously concerned for him, but also doesn’t push him to talk about something if he doesn’t want to.

“I’m not in a rush to find love,” he says honestly. “The… the friend I moved here with has helped me heal a lot. But I’m also being careful. Maybe a bit too careful.”

Sumire shakes her head, and she smiles. “You can never be too careful, love. With what you’ve been through, I understand that you’re not in a hurry to get into anything. And you shouldn’t be. You’re still young, too, you’ve plenty of time for that later.”

Haruka laughs. “Sometimes I don’t _feel_ young. No offence, of course.”

“None taken,” Sumire says, and she laughs, too. “I know that, when I had you, I was probably a little younger than what most people would want to be when they have kids, but I don’t regret it. Seeing you here, now… it only reminds me of how glad I am that I didn’t wait a few years, or that I didn’t… well, you know.”

“Yeah.”

Laying her hand over Haruka’s on the railing, Sumire sighs. “We’ve had our fair share of bad luck, but we’ve also had the good kind come to us. And I don’t think we should take that for granted.”

Haruka knows this probably better than anyone. One of the things he’s learnt since moving away from Sendai is that nothing lasts forever. And while many people might find that a scary or sad thought, Haruka finds some reassurance and positivity in it. They say that with age comes wisdom, and though Haruka doesn’t think most of his so-called wisdom was obtained in the best way, he’s still glad he has the knowledge and experience of some of the things some people will thankfully never know of.

Aki joins them for dinner that evening on Sumire’s request; she wanted to meet Aki again before heading home to Sendai. They get to properly hang out and talk this time, unlike when they’d been at Sumire’s and Hiro’s house, and she and Haruka had just been reunited after two years of thinking the other was dead. Sumire has absolutely no idea what initially brought Aki and Haruka together when they were Natsumi and Taichi, and Haruka’s sure Aki won’t want to talk about it.

It helps that both Aki and Sumire know Haruka’s past, so Aki can come up with something that matches up with it, and Haruka can tack on lies to it to make it credible for Sumire’s ears. Like himself, she’s been taught how to lie well, and Sumire believes the story they craft together as they talk. This is one of the few things Haruka knows will always tie him to that life he no longer lives, and the same goes for Aki. Thankfully, few people know about it, so it isn’t something they’ll often have to talk about, but even now, it’s a little difficult to keep up the charade.

Haruka thinks back to when he and Aki had gone around the red-line district looking for Sumire, remembering how he’d feared finding Sumire somewhere around there. With how things had turned out for himself, he knew nothing was impossible, and that he couldn’t take for granted she _wouldn’t_ be around the parts of Sendai where he and Aki used to work. He’s now immensely grateful that he was able to cross off that option on his list, and that it never really got as bad as it could have.

At the end of the weekend, Sumire returns to Tokyo by train to fly back home. Haruka feels a little sad to see Sumire go so soon, but they’ve promised to see each other a few times a year at least, which makes it easier. On top of that, of course, they’ll stay in touch through the internet. It’s gotten a lot easier to stay in touch with people far away over the years, which Haruka’s now even more thankful for than he’s ever been. Because even when both Sumire and Shizuka are still up in Sendai, Haruka can keep in touch with them and not feel like they’re too far away.


	13. space and time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruka starts - reluctantly - to look at apartments, and Kisumi makes a surprise announcement to his friends.

**AUGUST**.

 

Begrudgingly, Haruka’s started looking at apartments, and prepared for moving out of his house. He knows he’ll take all the time in the world on the day he has to leave, just because he’s so attached to his house, but he thinks they’ll have to be okay with that. If he’s lived there for two years, of course he’d be fond of the house by this point or he would’ve moved sooner. But now that he can’t afford living there for much longer, Haruka has had to make the difficult decision of moving. At the end of the year, he’ll be out of the house and he’ll have moved into someplace a lot cheaper. And smaller.

“What about this one, then? Lots of open space, big windows, a nice living room.”

Haruka makes a face. “Too close to the street. I’d go insane from all of the noise outside.”

“For the love of _god_ , Nanase.” Sousuke sighs. “I don’t know why I agreed to help you browse for apartments. You’re such a difficult person.”

“You’re here to help me because I agreed to let you inside my damn house.”

Now, Sousuke doesn’t retaliate, which puts a satisfied grin on Haruka’s face. Sousuke’s apartment building is currently suffering from a power outage which is going to take several hours to fix. It isn’t even autumn yet, but it sure feels like it’s fast approaching considering the weather outside. Haruka has to commend Sousuke for his determination to go outside, and drive a car all the way to Haruka’s house just so he wouldn’t have to sit in the dark all by himself.

… maybe Haruka would do the same, except he doesn’t have a car, and he’d have to walk. Because buses don’t run in this weather, that’s for sure. As expected of smaller towns. This is one thing Sendai was good at: having their buses trudge through any kind of weather because they had to, since people would flip a lid otherwise. In Iwatobi, though, people adapt. They walk, they _bike through snow_ (Haruka doesn’t know how, and he doesn’t want to find out, either), but most people are brave—or lazy?—enough to drive no matter the weather.

And one of these people is Sousuke.

“You know what,” Haruka sighs in defeat, “I’m done for today. I can’t think on an empty stomach, anyway.”

“Sure, it’s up to you.”

It _is_ up to him, entirely so, and that’s what’s making it so difficult for Haruka. It doesn’t matter if someone else chimes in with their opinion; in the end, it’s up to Haruka to decide whether or not he wants to get the apartment suggested for him. He already doesn’t even _want_ to move into an apartment, and that’s something that definitely makes it more difficult for him to decide.

“I’m guessing you’re staying for dinner.”

Sousuke raises an eyebrow, still looking at one of the apartments on Haruka’s laptop which he’d shown so much interest in that Haruka wonders why he won’t just go for it himself. “Sure, that’d be great. Unless you’re kicking me out?”

Haruka considers it, briefly. Sousuke can be a pain in the ass at times, but for the most part, Haruka enjoys his company. “Nah.”

Sometime after dinner, Sousuke hopes for the best as he goes back home. Haruka later gets a text from him saying the power’s back on again, and it makes Haruka smile to himself. He cleans the living room after Sousuke’s visit, and then paints for the rest of the evening before he goes to bed.

 

* * *

[ _hey, can u come over? need to talk]_

It isn’t often, these days, that Kisumi reaches out to Haruka for a serious talk. So Haruka is probably all in his right to be surprised, but he tells Kisumi he’ll be right over, and he heads out the door to head down towards the bus stop. The remnants of summer are keeping Haruka from having to wear a jacket, still, which he’s thankful for. It really doesn’t get better with the years—Haruka still hates winter as much as he’s sure he always has, and as always when autumn gets closer, he starts dreading it more and more.

Kisumi opens the door with a simple nod and a facial expression that mirrors his short text message. Haruka follows him inside, and they go to sit down in the living room, neither having said a word yet. Normally, Haruka would joke that it comes with having known each other so well for so long, but he knows that isn’t the defining factor this time. It’s clear Kisumi has something important to talk about, and that he’s struggling to figure out _how_ to talk about it.

“I don’t know how to say this,” Kisumi says, as Haruka had expected. “But I have to talk to you first, because I can’t tell anyone else. No one else would get it.”

“But I would?”

Kisumi seems hesitant, but he does nod. “Yeah, I think so.”

“Then talk. You called out to me for a reason.”

Smiling, Kisumi shakes his head, looking down at his knees for a moment. “I’m glad you’re here to help me make things less complicated. Okay. I… I’m going away for a while. Away from Iwatobi.”

Haruka raises his eyebrows slightly. He’s known for a long time that Kisumi doesn’t like staying in one place for too long, and even though Kisumi said he probably wouldn’t move away from Iwatobi anytime soon, that _was_ a ‘probably’ and not a ‘definitely’. Since then, Haruka knew never to take for granted that Kisumi wouldn’t one day decide to move again.

“For good?”

“No, just… for a little while.” Haruka notes the lack of a ‘probably’ this time, but he still doesn’t get his hopes up. Things can always change. “I need to sort out some things with myself.”

Haruka almost offers to go with Kisumi, but stops himself. They’ve helped each other through a lot, sure, but some things, they probably have to figure out on their own. They’ve come a long way since Sendai, and now they’re probably even more capable of being independent than they were then. This isn’t a journey Haruka’s meant to accompany Kisumi on. All he can do is wish Kisumi well, and hope that Kisumi doesn’t decide that his trip turns into a permanent stay.

“Where are you going?” Haruka asks, instead.

“Fukuoka. I don’t really have a reason for it, I practically just picked a random place off a map. I’ve already found a place to stay where I can stay, so I’m all set.”

Haruka swallows thickly. “Will you be driving?”

Kisumi opens his mouth, but then closes it, and offers Haruka a soft smile. He scoots closer to Haruka on the couch, putting a hand on the side of Haruka’s head to lean it against his shoulder. “I promise I’ll be careful on the road. It’s cheaper than flying, and besides, I like driving longer distances. Could give me even more time to think, and stuff.”

“I used to like that, too.”

It was of the best things about being able to borrow Ryuuhei’s car; getting to drive longer distances without a real destination in mind. During those drives, Taichi always dreamt of driving far away only to never return to Ryuuhei. Taichi dreamt of escaping, and setting himself free. In the end, he was always too scared Ryuuhei would still find him somehow, and make things a lot worse, so Taichi always returned. All it took was an earthquake, and Taichi could finally drive away, and never look back.

“Why don’t we go on shorter trips where I’ll drive us somewhere?” Kisumi offers. “When spring comes, and the snow and ice has melted, we can just… start driving somewhere. Take weekend trips every once in a while, maybe see places we haven’t before.”

Haruka likes the idea of it, and what better than to sit in a car with the person he trusts the most? He knows that Kisumi is a good driver, and he hasn’t even seen or experienced Kisumi driving himself. It could be a good way of finally getting over his fear of being in cars, and maybe even of driving. Small steps are key, as he’s learnt with Sousuke, so it should really be the same thing with cars and driving.

“Yeah,” Haruka replies. “I think I’d like that.”

“No rush, of course.”

“I know.” He goes quiet for a little while, and then he finally asks: “When are you leaving?”

“In about a week. I’ll be finished with most major things at work by then, so that’s why.”

Haruka notes the lack of suitcases around the apartment, and realises that’s why he had no idea walking in that this is what Kisumi would want to tell him. “And you haven’t started packing.”

Kisumi laughs. “That, too.”

 

* * *

 

Following Kisumi's surprise announcement, the gang plan a little ‘farewell-but-not-really-farewell’-party for him. Kisumi, however, doesn’t seem too bummed about going away, but only Haruka knows why that is. He knows Kisumi’s endured being in the same place for too long now, and that this trip of his will be good for him. Haruka’s the only one who knows the true nature of this trip, and he knows Kisumi wants to keep it that way more than Haruka does. All Haruka can do is hope that Kisumi will come back, and that he won’t want to leave Iwatobi for a while after that.

Haruka and Aki get to the bar together after work, where they meet up with Gou and Makoto first. The four of them go and order drinks at the bar, and get a table for themselves and the others for whenever they’ll arrive. When Haruka and Sumire had invited Aki over for dinner, Haruka had texted Gou an apology hoping she wouldn’t feel left out, but Gou, as wonderfully understanding as she is, told him not to worry about it, and that she understood.

As good as Kisumi can be at acting and pretending, Haruka knows all of this attention around him leaving can definitely make him uncomfortable. Haruka isn’t even too sure Kisumi will even show up, despite having gotten a confirmation by text earlier. It’s something Haruka has grown to live with when it comes to Kisumi, though he isn’t too sure the others would understand if Kisumi won’t show up to something that’s dedicated to him.

But to Haruka’s surprise, Kisumi does show up just before Sousuke and Rin join the group at their table. At that point, Haruka decides to drop the worry he has for Kisumi, and just lets himself enjoy a nice evening with his friends.

“I’ve always wanted to go to Fukuoka,” Gou says, and she sighs dreamily. “What do you say, Aki? Next summer?”

“All in favour. We can ask Kisumi for tips on where to go and what to see whenever he comes back.”

It could just be Haruka’s imagination, but he could swear Aki sent a quick glance his and Kisumi’s way. He briefly gets the feeling Aki’s figured it out, but he doesn’t stick to the thought too long. If she did, Haruka knows the secret stays with her, anyway, so Kisumi has nothing to worry about.

“I’ve been to Saga once,” Makoto pipes in. “I know it’s not the same thing, but it’s close. And what I saw of Saga was beautiful. I imagine Fukuoka to be similar, maybe a bit livelier since it’s a more populated and touristy prefecture.”

Gou shrugs. “I don’t mind. I don’t go to touristy places that often, but it seems like it’s nice there. And that’s the most important thing when going somewhere.”

As always with their gatherings, at some point, people start talking in smaller groups, moving around, going out for fresh air. When Kisumi sneaks out for a bit, he lightly taps Haruka’s back on the way out. Haruka waits a minute, and then goes to follow his friend out the door. He’d expected them to talk about this before Kisumi leaves, because it wouldn’t be fair on Haruka if he left without as much as an explanation. Even if Haruka can guess, nothing beats a proper explanation by the person himself. Haruka hopes Kisumi knows he can expect the same thing in return should it ever happen; Haruka feels like he owes that and much more to his friend.

Kisumi stands outside with his back against the wall. There’s still a bunch of people out and about, and there’s some from the same bar they’re at standing outside smoking and talking. When Kisumi notices Haruka coming his way, the two head to the back instead for more privacy and a less noisy environment.

“Funny how this was supposed to be my farewell party, huh.”

Haruka glances at Kisumi, who has a little smile on his lips. Kisumi looks happier than he’s looked in a while, and maybe it’s a sign that his trip won’t be too long, that he’ll want to return and stay for a while. Haruka doesn’t dare hope, however.

“Yeah, well, it still is. You’re the one who swiftly shifted the focus.”

Kisumi laughs. “I did.” He pauses a little, as if unsure. “You know, I originally planned on only telling you about this. I figured that’d be easier, because… well, our friends like to do _these_ things.”

“You don’t like it?”

“I do,” Kisumi assures Haruka, “but I don’t like all of the commotion and attention I get for something that’s essentially a lie. Or, well, it _is_ a lie, I shouldn’t sugar-coat it.”

Haruka hasn’t been in that situation before himself, but he kind of understands the way Kisumi thinks and feels. Kisumi likes being social, likes hanging out with his friends—but it hasn’t always been like that. Kisumi’s only in the past year grown to accept having friends, getting closer to people, but Haruka sees it as only a good thing. Their old lives are way behind them now, and there’s no point for them to cling to what used to be since it won’t do them any good.

A question burns at the tip of Haruka’s tongue that he’s been holding back now for a while, but he really can’t delay it any longer. “Are you _really_ coming back?”

The silence that follows is a few seconds too long, but Haruka knew to expect that. Kisumi doesn’t like being static, as he’s still used to moving around frequently in order to not grow roots and risking people getting to know him. He’s made many exceptions in following Haruka to Iwatobi, and while they came to Iwatobi technically using each other, Kisumi’s probably sacrificed more than Haruka has.

“Yes. It’s… a little difficult to explain. I mean I’ve got you here, and you’re the best person I’ve had in my life for as long as I can remember. I love you, and I trust you with everything I have. I like our friends, too, and I’ve grown to like the job I have. But that’s just it,” Kisumi says, and he laughs humourlessly, shaking his head before continuing. “I feel like I got too comfortable here. I’m terrified something’s going to come back and hit me in the face so hard I won’t be able to bounce back again like I have so far.”

“When did you realise?”

Kisumi shrugs. “A few weeks ago, I think, maybe more recent than that, even. I’ve just been trying to push the thought away, but it doesn’t work. So I’m gonna get away for a bit, to be alone and sort my head out. But in the end, I know this is where I want to be, where I _should_ be. I just have to sort things out with myself and all first.”

It sounds a lot more hopeful now than it did before, but Haruka still doesn’t dare take for granted that Kisumi returns to Iwatobi. When he’d walked out of Kisumi’s office back in Sendai, Haruka had just gotten acquainted with a migratory bird who was used to moving around every now and then. Said bird has now stayed in the same place for over two years, and Haruka knew all along that it wasn’t something Kisumi was used to.

“Okay,” Haruka says. “I hope I didn’t force you to do something you never wanted.”

Kisumi turns to face him, his expression almost devastated. “Oh no, Haru. _No_. Is that what you think? I never did anything because I was coerced; I always acted on my own free will. And I still do, hence Fukuoka. I just… thought it would be different now, getting away from everything I’d been doing for so many years, getting to live a proper life for once. And for the most part, I’m there, definitely. But I just need to get used to the idea that I _can_ live here for as long as I want, that I don’t have to move around frequently anymore.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s it,” Kisumi confirms. “It might not sound like a lot, but it is to me. And since I don’t wanna drag any of you down with me into this soul-searching thing, I’m going alone.”

The group go their separate ways at the end of the night after they all wish Kisumi a safe trip to Fukuoka. The Matsuoka siblings both want souvenirs, and Kisumi promises them with a smile to bring something back. Haruka’s tempted to ask Kisumi if he can walk his best friend home, but in the end, he doesn’t. He’s feeling slightly more optimistic after their talk, and now all he can do is hope Kisumi manages to sort his thoughts out to the point where he’ll want to come back home.

“Hey, Haru.”

Haruka turns around, facing Sousuke who’s just waved goodbye to Aki and Gou. “Sousuke.”

“Can I walk you home? I feel like we didn’t get to talk too much tonight.”

“Sure,” Haruka smiles.

So they talk, the entire way back to Haruka’s house. It’s nice, because Sousuke babbling on about anything and everything gives Haruka a reason to push his worries into the back of his mind for a little bit. It’s funny; he originally didn’t see Sousuke as a talkative person, but this was one of those rare occasions where his gut feeling was incorrect, and he was later proven to be wrong.

Haruka remembers when he’d only just met Sousuke and Rin, and the first months of getting to know them. He’d walked on eggshells around them at all times, always afraid of saying something that would give them a clue about his past. Now, Haruka doesn’t think about it too much. He’s gotten used to this new life of his as Haruka, though he has a long way to go yet until the memories of his years with Ryuuhei start to fade.

“I know you’re dead tired of talking about this, but… if you can’t find a place here in Iwatobi, would you consider moving elsewhere?”

Haruka looks at Sousuke at his side, and he shrugs. “I guess I’d have to. It would suck because I work here, and because… well, everything in my life is right here. Except my mother. But everything else is, and if I were to move to another town or even another part of the country, I’d have to start over.”

He still can’t understand how Kisumi could get used to moving so frequently, though one thing he knows is that Kisumi never had too many belongings since that would only make moving a lot more tedious. Haruka’s managed to collect quite a few things and furniture that he wouldn’t want to get rid of should he have to move far away, so he’s hoping he can still live in Iwatobi when he has to move out of his house.

“Yeah, I’d feel the same way. I’ve lived here practically my whole life, and I still can’t imagine myself moving away from Iwatobi. I’ve kind of grown attached to it, like I _can’t_ get away.”

“That sounds more bad than the opposite.”

Sousuke laughs a little. “You’re right, but… it’s not bad. I like it here, and everything I know is right here. I’ve got a job, too, and no reason to move.”

They stop by the steps leading up to Haruka’s house. It’s long since gotten dark, but the streetlights help to give sufficient light to the town at night. It’s a beautiful night, even if they can’t see the stars where they are right now. It’s nice, peaceful, mostly quiet save for the distant sound of traffic.

“Thanks for walking me home,” Haruka says, and then he smiles. “Again.”

“Sure, it’s my pleasure. Again.”

“See you soon, then. Good night, Sousuke.”

Sousuke nods, and Haruka turns to walk up the stairs. But then he feels Sousuke’s fingers grace his wrist, and Haruka turns around again to face Sousuke, who looks at him with the slightest hint of a frown.

“What?”

Sousuke walks closer again, and Haruka doesn’t move. He just watches Sousuke, confused, because Sousuke gets up right in front of him, but then pulls away again after a second or two too many of hesitance.

“It’s nothing,” Sousuke says, and he grins. “Night, Haru.”

Haruka turns around yet again to walk back home, and this time, Sousuke doesn’t stop him. Why would Sousuke stop him if he didn’t have anything else to say? What _was_ that?

Upon walking inside the house, Haruka shakes the thought from his mind and hops in the shower quickly before bed. Now that he’s alone again, his mind wanders back to Kisumi, and to Fukuoka. Haruka knows that hoping for good things is bad since it can make him disappointed in the end, but he also doesn’t want to expect the worst—Kisumi moving away from Iwatobi for good.

Of course, if Kisumi permanently moves to Fukuoka, that doesn’t mean they’ll stop being friends or anything silly like that, but it definitely makes it a lot more difficult to stay in touch as frequently as they can now. He’s already discovered how little he gets to talk to both his mother and to Shizuka back in Sendai now that they aren’t living in the same town anymore, and he doesn’t want to add Kisumi to that list of people he used to be close to, but drifted apart from when they ended up in different towns or parts of the country.

 

* * *

 

After Kisumi’s left, things in general just feel… off. Kisumi’s turned his phone off, and to the others, he’s said that he shouldn’t be answering calls and texts while on a business trip, anyway. Haruka knows Kisumi needs space, that he needs to find himself again, and that no one should disturb his process. And this time, Haruka isn’t an exception. He isn’t worried that Kisumi would do something reckless—all he can think of is whether or not Kisumi decides to come back home.

But Haruka tries his best to have his life go on normally, even though a huge chunk of it is missing. The best way to get used to Kisumi being gone is immersing himself with work, and thanks to Aki, it’s a whole lot easier than it would’ve been with anyone else by his side.

“… and can you believe it’s the same fucking dude I bumped into the day before.”

“No way.”

“Yes way! So he drives up in front of me, fucking stops his car so I have to stomp the brake, and then he gets out to walk towards my car. Stops right by my window, and knocks on it, so I rolled it down to scream at him.”

Haruka stares at Aki in disbelief. “And you didn’t call the police?! What the hell were you thinking? Aki, he could’ve had a knife, or even a _gun_.”

“I know that _now_ ,” Aki says and waves a hand dismissively in front of her, “but in the moment I was just really fucking pissed off. So then he goes ‘this has to be _fate_! There’s no other explanation for us meeting like this, two days in a row, in completely different places’. Again asking me out on a coffee date and all that bullshit.”

“I hope you spat in his face. What a creep.”

“Nearly did,” Aki snorts. “I just yelled in his face that he was a fucking idiot and once again that I wasn’t interested. And then I rolled my window back up and drove off.”

It’s a good thing there aren’t any customers in the café at this early hour, because anyone listening to Aki talking would’ve been horrified by this point. By the story, maybe, but mostly because of her bad habit of swearing a lot when she gets fired up. Haruka had been a little taken aback by it in the first week or so of knowing her, but now he’s so used to it that it doesn’t even come to mind that she swears like a sailor. It’s just who she is.

“So, your weekend seems to have been pretty eventful, then,” Haruka says with a little laugh. “For once, I can’t say I envy you.”

“Oh get out, when would you _ever_ say you envy me for having had a more eventful weekend than you? You’re perfectly happy soaking in the tub all weekend until you turn into a raisin.”

“Have you ever seen me look like a raisin?”

Aki raises an eyebrow at him. “Don’t forget you and I shared a hotel room in Sendai, not to mention a bathroom. You know, you’re getting up there, age-wise. Soon you won’t even have to put any effort whatsoever into looking old.”

Haruka’s just about to bark back a reply, but then a customer walks in, saving Aki’s ass. She snickers at him before she goes to welcome the customer, and Haruka sighs before he retreats to the kitchenette. Aki loves poking fun at the fact that Haruka’s three months older than her, and he’s glad they weren’t good friends back when he was still Taichi and his birthday was in March. Biologically, he still turns a year older in March, but not on paper. And in a case when a friend loves poking fun at the tiniest age difference between him and her, Haruka’s glad his birthday’s now in June.

As is routine, Makoto pops by for his morning coffee and a short chat. What’s less of a routine and more of a ‘when-we-have-time’ or ‘when-we’re-in-the-area’ type of occurrence, Rin and Sousuke walk in after lunch for a double espresso each to get them going for the rest of the day. Rin doesn’t seem like he needs the double dose of espresso, because he’s as sociable and chipper as he normally is. Sousuke, on the other hand, yawns semi-frequently as Haruka makes his coffee, which makes him curious.

“You didn’t get a lot of sleep last night, I hear.”

“You’d be correct,” Sousuke sighs. “Goddamn neighbours are moving, and they’re even going at it at _night_. Common courtesy is a rarity these days.”

“Well, the positive thing in this is that they’re moving. Soon you won’t have to deal with them anymore.”

“Sure, there’s them, but I have other jackass neighbours who tend to be noisy at the wrong times on occasion.”

Haruka huffs, and smiles. “Why don’t you move, then?”

“Too lazy.”

“Suit yourself. Here’s your espresso.”

Sousuke takes the paper mug from Haruka, and he puts it under his nose to take a long whiff. “ _God_ that smells good. Thanks, Haru.”

The sight of Sousuke closing his eyes while smelling his espresso is hilarious, but Haruka bites the insides of his cheek as to not laugh. “Anytime. Have a good day.”

“Likewise.”

Haruka and Aki see their friends off as they return to work. When Haruka starts heading towards the back to get more coffee beans, he feels Aki’s eyes on him. Turning around to face her, he sees she’s not just looking at him, but giving him an amused look, too.

“What?”

Aki shakes her head, still smiling. “Oh, it’s nothing.”

Haruka frowns in confusion, but Aki doesn’t offer him anything else than that cryptic reply. Instead, she goes to tend to a customer at the counter, so Haruka goes back to his own task. It’s a peaceful day, not a lot happening, though it’s not to the level where they’re struggling to find things to busy themselves with, either.

After two years, Haruka’s still only every now and then thinking about what he’d do if he wasn’t working at the café. He _would_ have had an art degree to rely on, but said degree was given to someone named Uehara Taichi, and Haruka doesn’t think he’d be able to utilise it even if he technically _was_ the one to receive it. That, if anything, might be the riskiest thing from his past to try and get some use out of nowadays.

He almost calls Kisumi to ask for advice, but then remembers that Kisumi doesn’t want to be reached, nor would he reply if Haruka sent him a message that wasn’t immediately urgent. Not knowing exactly where Kisumi is makes Haruka feel anxious, but he’s trying his best to not think about it too much.

Haruka knows Kisumi wouldn’t do anything dumb, because Kisumi has way more experience than he does when it comes to the things they did and saw years ago in their so-called past lives. Kisumi can think several steps ahead, and he’s almost too good at weaselling himself out of tricky situations by switching on his charm-button. Apparently he’s wooed women that way in his past, only to use them in various ways. It isn’t something Kisumi is proud of, which is why Haruka’s only heard the gist of that story.

“I wish we got to go on business trips, too.” Rin pouts and puts his chin in his hands, elbows resting on the table. Haruka snorts at him.

“Then you’re in the wrong field of work, Rin. You should get another job if business trips are what you’re missing.”

“Nah, I wouldn’t get another job; I like where I’m at.”

“Because you get to beat the shit out of people who do illegal stuff?”

Rin gasps in offence. “God no, that’s not the _only_ reason. Sometimes I help people, too.”

“ _Sometimes_ ,” Haruka echoes with a laugh.

That morning, Rin took Haruka out for a run. It was supposed to be a jog, really—but the jog only lasted for about ten minutes until Rin decided to dial up the tempo. Haruka hasn’t been a frequent runner like Rin, so he’d had difficulty with keeping up with Rin. One thing Haruka’s learnt this morning is how competitive Rin is, and it’s kind of lit a competitive spark within Haruka, too.

Going out for that run felt good, and Haruka’s decided he wants to go out jogging (actually _jogging_ , unlike the ‘jog’ Rin half-forced him out on) more often. He’s already been forced to become a morning person because of his job, so getting up even just a little bit earlier to go out running probably won’t be too big of a deal. His job includes a lot of lifting, but otherwise it’s rather stationary as he doesn’t move a lot outside of the café, so the regular jogging might do him some good.

“Do you go out running like this with Sousuke, too?”

“Sure I do; how else would we keep our stamina up for chasing people at work?” Rin asks back, and he smiles. “We mostly go to the gym, though. Sousuke’s not much of an outdoor person like myself, so he won that argument.”

Haruka raises an eyebrow. “Huh.”

“I was actually the one who convinced him to join me at the police academy years ago,” Rin says.

“Really?”

“Yeah. He didn’t really have much of a plan after high school, not knowing what he wanted to do with his life and stuff. He used to have a plan, but… well, I’ll let him tell you that story himself.”

Haruka’s curiosity comes to life at Rin’s cryptic wording, but he decides to leave it there with a nod. “Okay, sure.”

“So I said ‘let’s join the police force together’. He originally took it as a joke, even with our athletic background and all, but soon enough he obviously realised I was dead serious. So, we both applied, did all of the required tests, and we got in. It took a lot of time and effort, and we were originally going to be assigned different partners, but here we are now.”

“Wow,” Haruka replies. “I… guess I never thought about this. Or even to ask any of you about it.”

Haruka really doesn’t know much about the police officers when it comes to their pasts, but it also doesn’t seem like at least Rin is reluctant to share. As for Sousuke, Haruka hasn’t been able to figure out whether he’s willing to share or not, but again, Haruka hasn’t asked, either. Now that Rin has talked a little about how they ended up where they are now, Haruka realises he wants to know more, but he doesn’t really know why. His past self was only really interested in getting to know people because it earned him money. Now, he doesn’t get anything out of it other than just… information. Information which he doesn’t know what use he could get out of.

“Were you interested _now_?” Rin asks with a laugh.

“Yeah. I feel like I got to know you a _little_ better, after two years.”

“That’s good, then. Come on, let’s head out for lunch now that we’ve washed the sweat off ourselves.”

Haruka makes a face. “Please don’t put it that way; showers and baths do more than just… that.”

Rin snorts. “Oh, yeah? What’s that?”

“Helps you relax, for instance,” Haruka shrugs. “You’re paying for lunch, by the way.”


	14. persistent nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruka's still haunted by his past in his sleep, and something in his life changes for—what he hopes is—the better.

When he comes to, he’s running for his life. It takes a split-second to register just where he is, and whom he has in his arms. As he looks down at the girl, his breath hitches in his throat. Why did she have to get dragged into this? She has nothing to do with whatever shit he’s walked into because he was an idiot three years earlier, and decided to sleep with someone just because he was rich. All because of his dumb decision, her life is now running out faster than his legs can carry them both.

At some point, they lose their pursuer, so Haruka—

_Haruka?_

—stops, and slowly lays her down on the ground at his feet, before sitting down and catching his breath.

“I’m sorry,” he says between his panting. “I’ll get you to the hospital soon. Stay awake, okay?”

“Taichi… you won’t make it. I won’t… make it.”

Taichi sucks in a sharp breath. “Don’t you dare say that. Don’t get pessimistic on me _now_.”

“I’m not,” Natsumi says, and Taichi notices how faint her voice is getting. He has to keep moving or it’ll fade out for good. “I’m being realistic. Look at me.”

And even though Taichi desperately wants to look away from what’s right there in front of him, he can’t. Reality tells him Natsumi is bleeding out, fast, and that she won’t survive. Fucking Ryuuhei. If only Taichi had possessed the courage and strength to have killed that asshole already, this wouldn’t have happened. Natsumi would still be out there, living a life that might not be perfect, but it sure as hell beats bleeding out in the streets next to a good-for-nothing ‘friend’ who couldn’t even save her life.

“Natsumi… you can’t die. Not now. What happened to getting married to the woman of your dreams, adopting a kid, having a _family_?”

Despite her situation, Natsumi manages a little laugh, though her facial expression does everything but mirror it. “Sometimes… things don’t work out… the way you want them to. I guess it… it was just my bad luck.”

Taichi gets up on his feet, and carefully lifts Natsumi into his arms again. “No. Not today. You’re gonna make it, and I’ll make fucking sure you get to live that dream of yours.”

So he starts to run again, and Natsumi clings around his neck with all of the strength she still has left while not saying anything. Taichi wants to think it’s because she doesn’t have anything to say in response, but he knows damn well why she isn’t saying anything. He keeps looking down at her to make sure she’s still there, to make sure she still has a chance to achieve her dreams.

The hospital seems like it’s hours away, because Taichi feels like he’s been running forever, yet he still has quite the distance left to go. It doesn’t matter how fast he runs, for how long he runs, the hospital just won’t get any closer. It almost feels as if he’s running up an escalator that goes down twice as fast as it should.

“Taichi… let me go. Let all of this go… just leave.”

When Taichi looks down at Natsumi to bark back an angry response, he doesn’t see Natsumi in his arms anymore; instead, it’s the girl he definitely remembers having watched die in an alley before. There’s no way he’d forget, because she’s the only person he’s seen die before. Taichi blinks, and then Natsumi’s back, looking up at him with her eyes half-closed, eyelids heavy with exhaustion.

“Natsumi…?”

“Just go. Be free.”

And then she closes her eyes. And Taichi stops running.

Haruka wakes up, covered in sweat and breathing heavily as if he really _has_ been running. He puts his hand on his chest, and feels his heart hammering away faster than the heaviest rainfall. After confirming his whereabouts, Haruka gets out of bed, and heads into the bathroom to splash his face with cold water.

For the most part, Haruka can handle being alone, and he often times enjoys it, too. But sometimes, the silence around him gets to him, and Haruka’s mind takes him back to places, times, and people that he’d rather forget. Things have gotten better in the past two and a half years since getting away from Sendai, but Haruka’s still haunted by his past that chooses to remind him of its presence in certain situations.

Haruka remembers hearing Ryuuhei’s voice the first time he’d gone for an after work beer with Sousuke, he remembers feeling Ryuuhei’s arms around him when in reality it was Kisumi who tried to embrace him from behind. He still has nightmares every now and then involving different people or events from the time when he’d been working for Ryuuhei while at the same time outwardly posing as Ryuuhei’s boyfriend.

Things have gotten better, and they’re still getting better, but Haruka wishes the progress wouldn’t be so slow.

When he returns from the bathroom, Haruka doesn’t feel like going back to sleep. It’s four in the morning and he has to get up in the next hour, so he figures he might as well stay up. But he’s not staying in the house, that’s for sure. So, Haruka decides to put on a t-shirt, sweatpants, and his sneakers before he heads out the door.

Iwatobi is scarily quiet around this hour. As to be expected, because no one but Haruka would be out and about at this time. It’s pretty nice, though, since Haruka still gets to be by himself. He chooses to walk the same route Rin took him running, this time getting to take in the night scenery, and at a much slower pace.

He thinks back to his nightmare where Aki died in his arms, how he’d been reminded of the only time in his life he’s watched someone die, and it happened almost exactly like in his nightmare. It’s frightening to him how he could’ve lived so blissfully unaware of this other side of society where people risk and fear for their lives on a daily basis, where they work dangerous, illegal jobs to support themselves because there’s no other way. And then he met Ryuuhei, shortly after which he became almost too aware of their reality, _his_ new reality.

Haruka stops by the pier, leaning against the railing. It’s slowly getting bright out, but the sun won’t rise for another hour, so it’s still pretty chilly. Still, Haruka enjoys it, because he gets to experience a town that has yet to wake up for the day. At least _something_ good came out of his nightmare.

“Haru? What the hell are you doing out at this hour?”

Haruka whips around to see Sousuke behind him, and he exhales a slow breath through his nose. Sousuke _really_ has to stop doing that. “I could ask you the same thing.”

“Well… I guess you could. Mind if I join you?”

“Sure,” Haruka shrugs, and turns back around again.

Sousuke moves to stand next to him, and the two look out over the ocean in silence for a few minutes. In a way, Haruka’s glad Sousuke was the one to disturb his solitude, because Sousuke’s one of the very few people Haruka can tolerate being around at times like these, the other two people being Aki and Kisumi. Sousuke can be a man of few words, but he also seems to just know what to say, and when.

“I couldn’t sleep, so I went for a walk,” Haruka begins, answering Sousuke’s question finally. “What’s your excuse?”

“Pretty much the same as yours. My neighbours are at it again, except… well…”

“Early morning sex?”

Sousuke sighs, and leans his head against his arms on the railing. “Early morning sex.”

“I see,” Haruka says, and bites the inside of his cheek as to not laugh. This guy really has the worst luck. “When do you have to get to work?”

“In about three hours. You?”

“Two.”

“Ouch,” Sousuke grimaces. “You should go back home, get a little nap in before that.”

Haruka knows he wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep, not after that nightmare of his. “I’m good. You do know I get free coffee at work, right?”

Sousuke hums. “Right. I envy you; the coffee at the station sucks, so Rin and I avoid it like the plague.”

“That’s why you come to us so often, huh.”

Sousuke laughs a little. “Hey, what do you say about walking along the beach again? Been a while since we did that.”

It isn’t as dark outside now as it was when Haruka first left the house, so a walk on the beach might not be a bad idea. He just has to make sure to not touch the water which will definitely still be cold this early in the morning. Soon they’ll be entering into autumn, which means the temperatures will start to go down, and it isn’t something Haruka’s looking forward to. So even if he thinks it’s cold now, walking along the beach without his shoes on, he knows it’ll be even colder soon.

Slowly, Iwatobi starts to come back to life as Haruka and Sousuke walk along the beach. Haruka may not completely be a morning person yet, despite having worked early morning for quite some time now, but moments like these make him want to _be_ a proper morning person. Getting out of bed early, having breakfast, and taking a morning stroll before heading back home for a quick shower before work… it doesn’t sound bad at all.

“So… I don’t know if this is something you’d wanna share, but I talked to Rin the other day.”

Sousuke looks at Haruka, raising his eyebrows slightly. “Yeah?”

“He said that you were roped into joining him at the police academy years ago because you didn’t have a plan following high school.”

“Oh, that… yeah, well—it’s true what he says.”

Haruka stops walking, and Sousuke does the same. “You don’t have to tell me. I guess I’m just curious.”

“It’s fine,” Sousuke replies. “It’s not much of a story; I just… well, I used to be on our school’s swim team back then. Trained really hard, swam whenever I could. It consumed my entire life, and I didn’t think of much else. In the end, all of that exaggerated training and shit resulted in me screwing up my shoulder, and I wasn’t allowed to swim competitively ever again.”

Haruka frowns, and looks down at his feet. “I’m sorry. You must’ve really liked swimming.”

“I did. It was tough coming to terms with it all, but… I’m glad Rin saved me then, with his suggestion. Well, more of a forced suggestion,” Sousuke adds, laughing. “I don’t regret it, though. I’m happy where I’m at now.”

“Then I’m glad,” Haruka says, and he dares look back up at Sousuke again, and smile.

They continue walking, talking about various things; work, their friends, and Sousuke mentions Kisumi briefly. It’s difficult to keep up the lie that Kisumi’s on a business trip since those don’t tend to last as long as Kisumi’s now been away, but it seems that for now, they—and Sousuke—seem to believe Haruka. He still doesn’t know when or _if_ Kisumi will be back, but Haruka knows Kisumi will at least let him know either way.

Once again, Sousuke ends up walking Haruka back home, but this time it’s more of an unconscious thing. It makes Haruka wonder if they’ve developed a routine, and he wants to return the so-called favour at least once. He feels bad that Sousuke always has to be the one to walk him home and then have to walk all the way back to his apartment building when it could easily be the opposite, too, every once in a while.

“Off to work, I guess,” he says, and laughs. “Thanks for walking me home again, Sousuke.”

“Sure. I’ll probably see you later today.”

Haruka smiles. “Looking forward to it.”

Again, Sousuke looks like he’s about to say something, and he has that complicated expression on his face that Haruka’s seen before. It’s always whenever they’re about to go their separate ways, and Haruka wonders what the hell it could be if Sousuke finds it so difficult to say or ask.

“Something on your mind?” he asks, and Sousuke opens his mouth to say something, but closes it again. He closes his eyes briefly, and inhales.

“I’ve noticed that you’re… scared of some things. I can’t put my finger on what, but… Do you remember the first time we went out, just the two of us before Aki joined?”

Haruka frowns lightly, searching quickly through his brain for the memory. “I do.”

“I remember calling out to you, and you flinching and looking like I’d scared the living hell out of you.”

Haruka still remembers it so well, hearing someone behind him say “Nanase”, but also hearing it being said in _Ryuuhei’s_ voice. He’s had those moments not just with Sousuke, but with Kisumi, too. And it makes Haruka slowly understand what it could be that Sousuke wants, if he’s truly understood _why_ Haruka is so apprehensive in certain situations, and Haruka wonders if he’d be ready for such a thing.

“There have been other times where I’ve sensed the same kind of fear when you’ve been around me and Rin. I know it’s probably very different with Kisumi since you’ve known him for ages, but… well, I’m not asking you to tell me about it, because it’s definitely personal. But I… find myself wanting to be selfish a lot, with—with you. And I know that if I were to _be_ selfish, I’d barge right into your personal space and probably get that same reaction from you again.”

Sousuke is a good guy; Haruka knows this now, after having known him now for two years. He’s been especially careful around the two police officers, taking his time in really getting to know them since they’re the most dangerous people to get close to in case something were to go south. But Sousuke’s always given Haruka the impression that he isn’t like Ryuuhei, that he probably isn’t even _capable_ of doing the things Ryuuhei did that made Haruka so uneasy when it came to getting close to another man.

Haruka swallows hard. He knows Sousuke by this point, knows Sousuke is nice and that he doesn’t have a hidden agenda. He’s just… Sousuke. And that should really be enough, but Haruka realises now that he’s always been intentionally oblivious to protect himself just in case. Being careless with Ryuuhei landed him in a world of pain, misery, fear, and abuse for many years, and Haruka knows it isn’t impossible for it to happen again with someone else.

But he also knows he has to take risks in order to find out. Hasn’t enough time passed already? Hasn’t he found out enough to know Sousuke wouldn’t harm him? He’s been able to talk to both Kisumi and Aki about it, and while revisiting his past is never fun or easy, it had been doable with the two of them. Sousuke may be a little different since he’s an officer of the law, but… doesn’t Haruka know he could trust Sousuke with at least _that_ part of his past?

“How long have you… uh…”

“For a while now,” Sousuke says, and he shakes his head, smiling. “About time you noticed.”

And Haruka knows now, deep down, that he’s probably returned Sousuke’s feelings for a while. He’s been too adamant about staying away from such things since it turned out worse than anyone can probably imagine last time he was in a relationship. Because of this, Haruka’s been blind to Sousuke’s careful advances, and he’s been looking away from his own feelings, too.

So he takes a step closer, and takes Sousuke’s hand in his. He knows Sousuke wouldn’t dare do such a thing himself, in consideration for Haruka and the fear Sousuke’s seen more than once now. Haruka may still be apprehensive, and he knows it won’t be easy from here, but this is a start. It’s a very modest start, but it’s a lot better than nothing.

“Wow,” Haruka says, and laughs when he realises just how dumb that must've come out. “I would’ve never guessed. I’m sorry it took me this long.”

Sousuke shakes his head, and he laughs a little. “Better late than never. I don’t think I would’ve been brave enough to say it outright, anyway. Not for a while longer, at least.”

What happens in these situations? What do they do now? Haruka hasn’t been here before; he hasn’t experienced a confession like this, and the aftermath of it. The most recent experience he has doesn’t come anywhere near this—because that time, he’d gone to bed with a guy and _then_ ‘started dating’ him. Sousuke isn’t Ryuuhei, of course, so things are definitely different, but Haruka still doesn’t know _how_ different.

“I’m not ready to talk about it,” he says, squeezing Sousuke’s hand softly to show that he isn’t shutting Sousuke out _completely_. “But I might, someday. And… maybe I’d let you be a little selfish, too. But not now.”

Sousuke nods. “That’s okay. Just… tell me if I’m doing or saying anything that makes you uncomfortable. I’m not doing it on purpose; I just don’t know what’s too much for you.”

“Okay. I’ll let you know.”

People as nice as Sousuke shouldn’t be able to exist. Haruka’s heart aches, because he can clearly see how much Sousuke wants, but how much he’s also holding back all because of Haruka, and the things he doesn’t know about. Haruka feels bad, because most of what Sousuke knows about him is fabricated, they’re facts and things that Haruka has had to adopt along with him tossing aside Taichi, and everything that came with that name.

“I should probably head back,” Sousuke says. “But I’ll see you later.”

Haruka’s heart skips a beat. “Yeah.”

Whenever Sousuke’s left him outside his house in the past, Haruka’s always been left with a faint sense of confusion because of Sousuke’s acted. But now, Haruka knows, and it both makes him happy and a little scared at the same time.

 

* * *

 

“Hey. Nanase. Hey. Stop spacing out. God, how many times are you going to _do_ this?”

Haruka doesn’t even realise he’s been staring at a jar of coffee beans for however long, but when Aki calls him back to reality, he suddenly feels really dumb and wonders if anyone else saw him looking like an idiot.

“Sorry. Did you say something?”

“Yeah, a few things. It’s good to know you’re listening,” Aki says with a teasing tone.

“I’m sorry, Aki. I didn’t sleep much last night.”

Aki lightly slaps him in the back of his head. “Then go get yourself some coffee and screw your head back on. Chigusa and Kazuki come to take over around lunch; you can handle working until then, right?”

“Ha ha. Yeah, I can.”

He takes Aki’s advice and brews himself a cup of coffee before the morning rush begins and he won’t have time left over for this stuff. Seeing Aki in the coffee shop, very much alive, responding to ‘Aki’, and obviously not being in Sendai anymore is such a relief. The nightmare had felt so real, and it’s no wonder, because the things that happened in that nightmare have, in one way or another, happened to Taichi at some point.

Haruka’s mind is still filled with the talk he had with Sousuke earlier that morning, and he can’t get the image of Sousuke’s conflicted expression out of his mind. It took him long enough, but Haruka finally understands what it all means. He understands now why Sousuke’s been wanting to be around him so much, why he’s always hesitating on saying something as they part ways. Haruka feels really bad for having let it go on for so long, not having realised this when he’s normally such a perceptive person.

Normally, Haruka doesn’t think too much of it when Sousuke and Rin enter the shop for their daily takeaway mug of coffee, but he senses it immediately once he sees Sousuke entering. There’s something that changes in the general atmosphere, and it makes him nervous, but strangely enough not in the bad way, as would normally be the case with two police officers in uniform walking in just about _anywhere_.

“Yo, Haru, Aki,” Rin greets, flashing his trademark grin. “How’s work going?”

“Good, good. And for you two?” Aki asks back.

Rin shrugs. “Been a pretty slow morning. I know Sousuke’s happy about that, but I’m not. I like a little more action to get me going.”

“Oh? How’s that?”

Haruka looks over at Sousuke, who in return gives him a quick glance before looking back to the boards above their heads displaying the menu items. Just as Haruka expected, then.

“He didn’t get as much sleep as I did.”

“Well, excuse me for having horny neighbours who have to be at it so early,” Sousuke snaps, which makes Rin giggle by his side.

While the two order, Aki and Rin continue to talk about anything and everything they can possibly come up with. The two make a great friend-match since they’re both very outgoing people who like to joke around. Not to mention the fact that they’re both fiercely competitive and have a short fuse. It was only natural they’d become such good friends, and maybe that Aki would end up dating Gou, since she shares some of her brother’s traits.

Rin and Sousuke don’t stay too long, and are gone about ten minutes after they walked in, each with a fresh, steaming mug of coffee in hand. Haruka’s just counting down the seconds until Aki—

“I keep telling you, there’s something between you and Sousuke that you’re either not telling me or you’re too dumb to realise.”

—comments on the air between him and Sousuke. How about that, he’s still got it, after all.

Haruka sighs, and rolls his eyes. “And I keep telling _you_ that I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about. Which doesn’t make me dumb, by the way.”

After handing over the baton to Chigusa and Kazuki, Haruka quickly returns home to get changed, and then he goes out for a jog. His mind is still full of thoughts from what happened earlier that morning, but jogging definitely helps disperse the thick cloud in his head a bit. He still wants to take things slow, since he and Sousuke have only just started taking their relationship in a new direction, but also because he’s still scared when it comes to romantic relationships.

If he would’ve gotten romantically involved with Kisumi, things would’ve been vastly different. The two of them barely have any secrets they keep from the other person, and they know each other better than they know anyone else. Kisumi was the one who offered Haruka a way out of Sendai, and in return, Haruka gave Kisumi the same opportunity as a way of payment for his documents. There’s always going to be that special bond between them, and while Haruka knows _now_ that romance wouldn’t have worked between them—back then, he wouldn’t have hesitated.

But with Sousuke, it’s very different. Almost everything Sousuke knows about Haruka is a straight up fabrication. Sousuke thinks his real name is Nanase Haruka, that he was born and raised in Niigata and from there moved to Iwatobi with his childhood friend Kisumi. On the other hand, Kisumi knows Haruka was born as someone else, and that he’s never been to Niigata in his entire life, which instead was spent in Sendai. The only time Sousuke’s probably heard about Sendai was when Sumire came to visit.

That evening, Haruka invites Makoto over for dinner. Rin’s working overtime, so Makoto was left alone at home to fend for himself, so Haruka figured he and Makoto could have dinner together. There’s that, and the fact that the two of them haven’t spent much time together like this in a while. They definitely have a lot to catch up on, and Haruka’s looking forward to it.

Makoto arrives just in time for Haruka to start cooking, and Makoto of course insists on helping despite being a guest. Haruka likes cooking with other people, but he’s still a firm believer that guests shouldn’t have to help around the house they’re visiting—it doesn’t matter that Makoto’s been there a hundred times by now, Haruka still feels the same way.

But of course, Makoto wins, in the end, and Haruka can’t be too mad about it. After all, he does enjoy the company in the kitchen, and having someone help.

They make soba with pork, mushrooms, and vegetables, serving it with a sesame dipping sauce. It doesn’t take long to make, and it’s a very simple dish, but it’s one of Haruka’s favourite dishes of the season.

“Have you decided yet what to do about the house?” Makoto asks, and Haruka shrugs.

“Well, I’m gonna have to move, of course, but I still haven’t found a place I like.”

Makoto laughs. “You’re a little too picky, Haru.”

“I know,” Haruka whines. “I’m never gonna be able to decide; in the end, I’ll just have to settle for some place I know I’ll be miserable living in.”

“Don’t say that! Who knows, you might grow to like it. You’ve gotta keep an open mind, Haru.”

“Easier said than done,” Haruka pouts, which makes Makoto laugh again.

Makoto insists on helping with cleaning up after dinner, and then they have tea before he goes back home. Haruka’s enjoyed having Makoto over for dinner, and knows it probably won’t be long before Makoto visits again. One thing he knows for sure is that he’ll be a guest at Makoto and Rin’s place sooner than that, since Makoto wants to repay the favour. Haruka doesn’t really think there’s much of a favour to repay since Makoto helped with half of everything, but he’s also not going to say no to dinner.

In the evening, Haruka calls Shizuka to talk. Mostly because he misses her voice, but also because he’s in the need of her endless amount of wisdom. Her advice is always straight-forward, never coated in sugar, and just what Haruka needs. Whenever Shizuka needs it, Haruka offers her the same things in return, and he can only hope it’s as useful to her as her words tend to be to him.

“ _When’d he leave?_ ”

“Couple weeks ago by now.” Haruka laughs humourlessly. “The business trip excuse won’t work on the others for much longer, I’m sure.”

Shizuka hums, sounding concerned. “ _He really needed to get away, huh. Well, the business trip lie was his idea to begin with, right? It’s not up to you to come up with further excuses to the others. Just say you don’t know why he’s away for so long if they ask._ ”

“I guess I’ll have to. I’m just scared they’ll start suspecting things; especially the police officers.”

“… _Now, tell me why you’re friends with police again?_ ”

“Ha,” Haruka says. “I haven’t talked that much to Aki about it, but she definitely knows Kisumi isn’t on a business trip.”

“ _She was always very smart, so I’m not surprised she put two and two together. She’s an underground Sendai girl, after all._ ”

Haruka doesn’t think that’s really much to be proud of since most of their quick-thinking and good intuition was born out of less fortunate situations. Sure, now that he’s been out of it all for a while, he’s learnt to appreciate _some_ of the things he took away from his last few years in Sendai. Of course, he wishes he obtained some of his habits and so-called skills from better experiences.

“Yeah, I suppose.”

“ _Don’t worry about Shigino; he’ll be fine. You know him better than anyone, you should know this, too, right? Leave him be, and leave the excuses and lies to him for whenever he comes back_.”

Haruka rolls his eyes, and he’s glad Shizuka isn’t able to see him or she’d slap him upside the back of his head. “ _If_ he comes back.”

“ _Oh, he will! You really think he’d be able to up and abandon you after everything? Look at us; we don’t even live in the same city anymore, yet we talk a lot, still._ ”

The thing that makes Haruka doubt Kisumi’s return is the fact that Kisumi, deep down, doesn’t want to get attached to people. It saves him grief and trouble, and he doesn’t have to keep thinking about the people he would end up potentially hurting either by his own hands or by someone else’s. In Sendai, this was a good way of thinking, but these days, free from that environment, it probably isn’t ideal. Maybe that’s just Haruka’s selfish way of thinking, but he doesn’t think that solitude would pay off for Kisumi now.


	15. it takes two to tango (one step forward, sidestep, one step back; repeat)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruka tries to deal with whatever situation he's now thrown himself into with Sousuke, and he's very glad to have friends he can talk to about the whole thing.

**SEPTEMBER**.

 

Slowly but surely, Haruka’s coming to a realisation—he’ll never be able to move out of his house. He’s far too attached to it, and no apartment he’s looking at comes even close to being good enough of a replacement for a house he would’ve loved to keep but can’t afford to. It’s partly a miracle he still lives there, and partly thanks to his stubborn mother who helps him pay for some of the expenses.

Her having decided to help him pay has strengthened Haruka’s motivation to move, though, because as nice a gesture as it is, Haruka really doesn’t like depending on her this much now that he’s supposed to be an independent adult. She says it’s fine and that she _wants_ to help him, but it still doesn’t sit right with Haruka to just accept his mother’s money because he can’t decide fast enough on an apartment in Iwatobi to move to.

There’s an apartment available in Sousuke’s building, but Sousuke has recommended Haruka not to even think about it since Sousuke himself hates living there so much, and he doesn’t want anyone else to suffer as much as he is. There are more expensive apartments closer to the coast, and while they’re nice, they’re not that much cheaper than what Haruka’s paying right now. So, the struggle continues, and Haruka feels like maybe it’s about time he were to either quit working at the café to find a more lucrative job to help cover his expenses, or he’ll have to find a job to work on the side.

Over the past few months, Haruka’s slowly but surely gotten tired of the stuff they sell at the café every day. Not the beverages, but the pastries. It isn’t that they’re bad quality; Haruka just thinks they could sell something better. So he asks Suzuki if he’s allowed to experiment whenever he comes into work earlier, if he can come up with his own creations they can sell. Suzuki is a little sceptic at first, but Haruka manages to convince him with one of his own creations. Even irony can work in his favour sometimes.

So Haruka manages to find himself a little something new to do at work, something that isn’t the same crap all the time, since he’s been given a _little_ creative freedom now. Aki’s certainly in favour, since she’s Haruka’s go-to test subject when it comes to these creations he comes up with.

“Did you make raspberry buttercream? Because this is amazing.”

“I did,” Haruka says, and he can’t conceal the pride in his voice when Aki hums in satisfaction after taking a bite from one of his cupcakes.

Among other ingredients and utensils, Haruka’s bought a few powders made from dry-frozen berries, which gives an authentic taste, and is also a lot easier to bake with than fresh or regularly frozen berries. It was all pretty expensive, sure, but he hopes he can cover some of those expenses by selling a lot of his baked goods. So far, it looks good judging by Aki’s reaction to some of the things he’s made, but he feels like he still has a little bit left to go before he can start selling his pastries.

“What gave you the idea to bake your own stuff?”

Haruka shrugs. “I got fed up with the stuff we normally sell. No offence to you or Suzuki, but I felt like we needed something new. And my fingers are itching… in an artistic sense.”

Aki laughs at that. “I see. This _could_ be a good way for you to get at least some use out of that art degree of yours, too.”

It was actually one of the things Haruka thought of when taking the idea to their manager. With this, not only does he get to do something new and interesting, he can also use some of his artistic skill when decorating his baked goods. He may not have gone to culinary school or anything, but Haruka figures he might not _need_ a degree in dessert baking to be able to make a living off of it.

Makoto becomes Haruka’s second test subject, and Haruka finds out Makoto has the worst sweet tooth he’s ever encountered. Haruka himself thinks he has a sweet tooth, but he feels like his liking for sweet things pales in comparison to Makoto’s obvious addiction. It’s good, though, because that means Makoto will be back for Haruka’s cupcakes, muffins and other baked goods probably more than once a day. It can also be bad since it’ll probably make Makoto gain weight… in which case Rin might want a word with Haruka.

“You’re really good at everything, Haru,” Makoto sighs, jealousy dripping off every word, but Haruka knows it isn’t ill-willed. “You can paint, draw, plant beautiful flowers, and your vegetables turned out great, too… and you cook and bake amazing things. I kind of wish I dated you instead.”

Haruka smiles, shaking his head. “’Don’t tell Rin’, noted.”

“He can’t sing, though,” Aki says teasingly, on her way out with a tray of coffee cups. Haruka glares after her, but Makoto laughs.

At lunch time, Haruka and Aki’s shift ends, and the two walk towards the train station together. It’s nice to quit earlier in the day, leaving a lot of time left for things to do that don’t have to do with work. Haruka’s now been left mostly on baking duty since he came up with his little idea to spice up the menu at the café, and he’s now starting to notice how tiring it actually is to knead things for hours on end. He may like using gum paste since it’s good for decorations, but it’s pure hell to knead into something formable.

The two friends part ways, and Haruka heads towards the grocery store before going back home. He pulls out his phone from his pocket, hesitating shortly before sending Sousuke a message.

[ _dinner at my place tonight? i’ll even make u pork._ ]

Haruka doesn’t _hate_ pork, but it’s one of his least favourite meats, for sure. He really likes seafood, but if he can’t pick that, he’ll choose chicken before anything else. On the few occasions he’s had duck, he’s really enjoyed it, but he’s never cooked it himself.

[ _you didn’t even have to add that last part, haru; of course i’ll come over for dinner. i’ll be over after work, just gotta get a shower and get into some clean clothes first._ ]

 

Haruka smiles to himself, and slides his phone back into his pocket before entering the grocery store to buy what he needs to make dinner that evening.

He ends up buying things not only for dinner with Sousuke, but for the rest of the week, too. Haruka likes making big meals to save in the freezer for days when he isn’t in the mood to cook or when he simply doesn’t have time. Many times, he makes big stews and soups, which is a budgeting technique Rin has started practicing for himself and Makoto, too. It’s smart, and works really well for Haruka who isn’t picky about having to eat the same meal two days in a row.

When he’s made it up the steps close to home, he sees someone standing outside his house. There’s a man leaning up against the wall of the house, wearing a cap and sunglasses, and a jeans jacket. If it wasn’t for the bright pink hair sticking out from underneath the cap, Haruka would’ve called Sousuke to head on over faster, but he doesn’t have to. Haruka knows who it is, and the man knows him, too.

Haruka walks right into Kisumi’s arms, dropping the grocery bags at his sides, not caring about the food, because right now, this is more important than anything else.

They don’t say anything for the longest time. Haruka thinks words can come second, after he’s made sure this is happening and that Kisumi is there right now. Because to him, it feels like it’s been _months_ since he last saw Kisumi, when in reality it’s only been a few weeks. A few weeks too many, riddled with worry and anxiety over Kisumi in general. Was he ever going to come back? If he did, would it be temporary or permanent? Is his stay _now_ temporary or permanent?

Haruka lets Kisumi inside after a while. Kisumi gets seated by the kitchen table while Haruka unpacks the groceries, and neither of them say anything while he’s doing so. It’s only when Haruka sits down across from Kisumi that Kisumi finally opens his mouth.

“I quit my job,” he says, though Haruka can tell that work hasn’t been on Kisumi’s mind for a while. It’s obvious in the way he talks about it, as if it was years ago.

He wonders if Kisumi was ever happy at that place, or if he realised somewhere along that it wasn’t where he was supposed to be. Haruka sort of recognises the feeling, because many times over the course of the past two years, Haruka’s felt the same way. Is he really allowed to work in a normal place like this without having to sacrifice something first? Will there ever come a time when he’ll have to give it all up?

“That’s why you were able to stay away for so long.”

“Yeah, I quit before I even left Iwatobi. I’m… sorry I never answered my phone or the texts you sent.”

Haruka shakes his head. “I knew you probably wouldn’t. I would’ve just been surprised if you did, but I didn’t expect it. I just… wanted you to know you have people here. That _I’m_ here, if you ever wanted to come back.”

“I know,” Kisumi says, and he takes Haruka’s hand over the table. “Thank you.”

“Can I ask up what was with the disguise?”

Kisumi laughs a little. “I didn’t want to run into anyone I know on my way over here. I knew it would hide me from everyone but you.”

Hearing those words makes Haruka feel a lot less anxious inside, and he lets his shoulders relax as he exhales slowly. Though it hasn’t been a long time, a lot seems to have happened in the time Kisumi lived in Fukuoka. He _seems_ different, just from the aura he’s emanating, not to mention in the way he speaks.

“I sorted out a lot of things while I was away, which is obviously _why_ I went. I didn’t enjoy being away from here, though, I don’t want you to think that.”

“Okay,” Haruka replies, only to acknowledge, and to let Kisumi continue.

“While I was in Fukuoka, I was considering heading down to Miyazaki, to revisit my roots, where I’m originally from. I know it helped you a lot to go back to Sendai, even if it was difficult, so I thought maybe I could do the same thing. But I couldn’t even do _that_. Half of the reason why I went to Fukuoka went up in smoke because I was a fucking coward.”

“Hey, don’t say you’re a coward. You’re brave in many ways, you’ve been braver than me in many situations. Maybe it wasn’t meant for you to go back yet.”

Kisumi sighs. “Maybe. I think… if I go, I want you to come with me. I’ve asked a lot of you these past few years, so you don’t have to if you don’t want. But I just thought I’d ask.”

“Of course I’ll go,” Haruka replies, almost faster than he can think. There isn’t a more obvious answer to any question he’s ever been asked than this.

Even if he didn’t still owe Kisumi for saving his life, Haruka would still say yes to the same question. Kisumi is the reason why Haruka’s here today, and not just in a geographical sense. Haruka still doesn’t dare think about what would’ve happened if he had just kept on trying to live his life as a dead man in Sendai, when he’d long since gotten separated from his mother, and the friends he made in university.

Would he still have hung out with Shizuka and the girls? _How_? He’s absolutely sure he wouldn’t want to return to those parts of town now that he’d been freed from the slavery Ryuuhei put him through. And leaving the red-line district would mean cutting ties with Shizuka since that’s where she works and lives. People in the underground barely ever leave Sendai, let alone the area they make a living in, and Shizuka is one of those people.

Everything would have been different now, had it not been for Shizuka knowing Kisumi, and Kisumi accepting the job of giving him a new life. And maybe Haruka, or Taichi, wouldn’t still be alive today, despite having once survived an earthquake.

“Thanks, Haru.”

“It’s nothing. Really.”

Kisumi smiles a little, looking out the window. “I know you want to know if I’m back here for good. For a while there, I thought maybe it’d be good if I didn’t come back, if I kept moving every now and then and keeping up what I’ve been doing for as long as I can remember. But then I thought of you, of our friends we’ve made here. You’re my family, and I don’t want to just up and leave you. I _can’t_ leave you.”

“So you’re staying in Iwatobi?”

Now Kisumi looks at Haruka again, and the distant smile has gained some warmth, sincerity. “Yeah. I’m home now.”

Haruka smiles back, and he sighs. “I’m glad. Welcome home, Kisumi.”

“So,” Kisumi says, clearing his throat, “what’s been going on around here since I left?”

 

* * *

 

Haruka tells Kisumi about Sousuke, about how things have been obvious for a long time with Sousuke, but how Haruka’s also subconsciously looked away from it. Now, Haruka knows why, and he remembers all of the times when Sousuke had tried reaching out, and how he hadn’t taken the hand stretched out to him.

Haruka knows Kisumi is still wary of police in general, and if it wasn’t about Rin and Sousuke, Haruka would be, too. But Kisumi seems to be glad for Haruka’s sake, that things are finally starting to look up. Kisumi doesn’t have to say it, though; Haruka knows he still has to be careful. He still has a story he has to stick to in order for things not to leak out about his criminal past, and his illegally attained identity as Nanase Haruka.

“As long as you know what you’re getting yourself into, and the risks involved. I know Sousuke’s a good guy, and that he wouldn’t dare lay a finger on you.”

Now Haruka raises his eyebrows in surprise. “You know that?”

Kisumi smiles, shaking his head. He looks back out the window, resting his chin in his hand. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you, Haru.”

“How’s that?”

“Like you’re his sun. And not… you know, in the ‘squinting-angrily-at-the-flaming-orb-in-the-sky’ kind of way.”

Haruka tries to laugh at that, but his laugh sounds off even in his own ears. “I’d hope not.”

Willingly or not, Haruka hasn’t seen any of these signs until now that Sousuke’s practically laid out all his cards on the table. Maybe it isn’t too crazy considering Haruka’s past—he’s probably unconsciously protected himself from ending up like he did once, when he was still known as Taichi. To this day, Haruka is still affected by his relationship with Ryuuhei in various ways, and he knows it’ll probably take a few more years yet until he might have moved past it all.

None of his progress and growth so far would’ve been possible without Kisumi having entered his life. It’s funny, because out of all the people Haruka has met in his life, Kisumi might just be the trickiest person to figure out. Several times, Kisumi’s unreadable personality has caused Haruka to doubt his once-famous gut feeling, making him wonder if maybe he’s just been getting lucky most of the time when working as a fake psychic for Ryuuhei.

Kisumi doesn’t stay long, but he promises he’ll be here now, and that they’ll see each other again soon. Knowing that Kisumi has finally found home with Haruka and their friends in Iwatobi makes Haruka feel so much lighter, like he’s had a heavy weight lifted off of his shoulders.

Once Kisumi has left, Haruka starts making dinner for himself and Sousuke. As he’d promised, he makes pork, but with tofu and vegetables, too. To go with the pork and tofu stew, he boils rice as well. Haruka really likes cooking, and could easily see himself getting back into the restaurant business if he’d get hired as a chef. For now, though, he wants to stick to making pastries and decorative cakes at the café, maybe expanding further someday.

While he lets the rice boil and the stew simmer down a bit, he goes out on the back porch to feed the stray cats. Just as he returns back inside, there’s a ring on his doorbell, so Haruka heads to the front of the house to let Sousuke in.

It’s obvious he’s been away from Sendai for a while, because Haruka can’t for the life of him keep the little gasp that escapes him to himself when he sees Sousuke upon opening his door. Sousuke, of course, looks at him like Haruka had just noticed a gigantic spider on Sousuke’s shoulder, though he doesn’t _react_ that way.

“What?”

Haruka clears his throat, looking to the side. “Nothing. You, er… you’re right on time. Come on in.”

 _Idiot. Just say he looks really fucking good in that red pique shirt_.

Because, wow, he does. Normally, Haruka wouldn’t dream of pairing teal with red, but in Sousuke’s case, it works. The two opposite colours manage to bring each other out, and for the first time, Haruka notices just how beautiful the colour of Sousuke’s eyes is.

Dinner is ready just about when Haruka convinces Sousuke to sit by the table without helping (“you’re a _guest_ , Sousuke”), so Haruka places tableware on the table before placing the two pots in the centre. He can’t help but smile when Sousuke lets out an appreciative ‘ _oh_ ’.

“You have no idea how hungry I am,” Sousuke says.

“No lunch at work?”

“Barely any. I didn’t have time to finish even half of my lunch, so you can probably imagine how hungry I am.”

Haruka laughs a little. “Yeah.”

If Haruka was trying to impress Sousuke and get him in bed, making him dinner is apparently the way to go, because Sousuke _really_ appreciates a meal being made for him. Maybe some of his praise is exaggerated by the fact that Sousuke’s barely eaten anything all day, but Haruka almost feels like he should be a three-Michelin-star chef considering the things Sousuke says about his plain pork and tofu stew.

It’s a little scary, though, that Haruka _doesn’t_ have to really chase Sousuke down. Sousuke’s right there, like a dog sitting by its owner’s feet, and Haruka doesn’t have to put in any effort. He feels like maybe there should be something he needs to do; put in effort, or risk a thing or two. It reminds him of how easy it was to get in bed with Ryuuhei, and _why_ it had been so easy.

This time, of course, neither of them have any ulterior motives as far as Haruka can tell. Those kinds of relationships are in the past where Haruka also left Taichi, and he can tell Sousuke’s way of thinking is heaps and bounds different from his. He might be safe, but that’s just the thing—he _might_ be.

During dinner, Haruka and Sousuke talk about their day and how things are going at work. It’s still a little strange to discuss work with a police officer, but Haruka knows he’ll have to get used to it, whether his relationship with Sousuke continues towards romance, or with him just continuing to be friends with Sousuke and Rin in general. It’s a lot easier for Haruka to talk about _his_ job, since he’s just working in a café making pastries and selling coffee.

They end their evening together with tea out on the back porch, petting and feeding the stray cats. The weather’s still nice, and the air is warm after a sunny day. Autumn is just around the corner, which is mostly noticeable in Haruka’s vegetable garden, as his plants aren’t producing as well as they used to two months ago. It’s been nice, though, and Haruka’s thankful to Makoto and Rin for getting him started on gardening.

“It’ll be sad to see this place go to someone else, huh,” Sousuke says. Haruka glances at him by his side, and he sighs.

“Yeah.”

“I’m assuming you’ve yet to decide on a place?”

“You’d be correct. I can’t do it.”

Sousuke laughs. “I like this house, too; I’d be sad to have to move, like you.”

When Sousuke’s about to head home for the night, Haruka walks him to the door. The cats have left, and the plates they’d been eating from have been washed up by both Haruka and Sousuke, who finally managed to convince Haruka to let him help. It’s starting to get dark, and both men have to be up early for work the next morning.

“Thanks for coming tonight,” Haruka says while Sousuke’s put his shoes on. “Always nice to have company for dinner.”

“I should be the one to thank you, for an amazing dinner and for having me over in general.” Sousuke stands up again. “Would you let me repay the favour?”

Haruka raises his eyebrows, surprised. “You mean dinner at your place?”

“Sure. I wanna make you dinner, too.”

He’s not used to this, having people wanting to do something in return for what he’s done. Ryuuhei always took, never gave. It was different with Kisumi since he and Haruka lived together, so it can’t be compared. Kisumi’s cooked for Haruka a multitude of times, and vice versa, but now Haruka has the opportunity to experience it with someone who isn’t like what Kisumi is to him. Someone who’s closer to what Ryuuhei used to be, but is still as far away from it as he could come.

“That’d be nice,” Haruka replies. “When?”

“Is ‘as soon as possible’ a good enough estimate?”

Haruka laughs a little. “It’ll do.”

Sousuke takes a step forward, and lifts his hand to cup Haruka’s cheek. Haruka sees the hand approach him, and his instinct is to jump away. Whenever hands have been near his face in the past, they haven’t been there for a good reason. He sees Sousuke in front of him, but the gesture of bringing a hand close to Haruka’s face still makes him react defensively.

Thankfully, Sousuke seems to notice, and he backs off again, lowering his hand slowly. “I’m sorry. I should’ve asked beforehand.”

“It’s… it’s okay,” Haruka says, clearly lying through his teeth. It’s not okay, but it _should_ be. “I’m the one who’s sorry.”

Sousuke shakes his head. “No, Haru. I… almost acted on my desire to be selfish again. I should probably… go.”

Haruka doesn’t stop him, and instead just dumbly nods in response, before Sousuke heads out the door without another word. The strange thing is that he doesn’t look angry nor disappointed that Haruka rejected his attempt at getting close—he just looks like he’s angry with _himself_ more than anything, which makes Haruka feel even worse.

 

* * *

 

Sousuke doesn’t show up at the café the next day, only Rin does. Either Rin doesn’t know, or he’s being nice by not bringing it up with Haruka while coming in to buy coffee as he always does. Seeing Rin buy two cups makes Haruka’s heart ache, but he keeps a level face as he makes conversation with his regular customer before Rin has to leave again.

Haruka wonders to himself how the hell he’s going to save what little had just begun to grow between him and Sousuke. Is it already too late? Sousuke’s most likely not going to change his mind about the whole ordeal having been his fault, and Haruka’s obviously of the completely opposite opinion. It _is_ his fault for not yet having gotten over what’s part of his past, what he was supposed to leave behind him when he moved to Iwatobi.

It’s been years, and to this day, Haruka has only managed to be intimate with one other person besides Ryuuhei. He feels like Kisumi is vastly different from other men, however, because they’ve both been through similar things and understand each other better than others ever will. Even so, the two of them wouldn’t work out romantically, and Haruka now agrees with Kisumi that it’s a lot better they stay the way they are.

And besides, Haruka has finally acknowledged the budding feelings he’s had for Sousuke for a while now—feelings he’d subconsciously looked away from in fear of ending up the same way he once did with Ryuuhei. Haruka wants to say he’s ready to take the risk of getting into something new, but something within him tells him he clearly has stuff left to sort out. He _wants_ to sort things out before getting into anything with Sousuke, because if there’s anything he’d hate doing to Sousuke, it’s leaving him high and dry.

“ _Take it easy, honey. Things take time_.”

“ _Everything_ takes time,” Haruka says irritably. “Maybe I’ve already lost the chance.”

Sumire clicks her tongue over the phone. “ _Don’t be so pessimistic, Haruka. Let yourself be happy, okay? Go out there and get what you deserve_.”

Haruka laughs humourlessly. “Which is what?”

“ _The best, of course, and nothing but._ ”

Haruka can’t help but smile when he hears his mother say those words to him, and they make him miss her terribly. “I love you.”

“ _I love you, too, Haruka. Promise me you’ll try again. Fall seven times, get up eight, right?_ ”

“Yeah,” he says. “I promise.”

The thing is, it’s difficult for Haruka to try and get in touch with someone who won’t return his messages and phone calls. All Haruka has left to do is to actually show up outside Sousuke’s apartment, and he’s not too sure Sousuke would appreciate it. He wonders to himself if maybe this is the time where he should turn back, if Sousuke’s actually _giving_ him that chance now. He wonders, but he sure as hell isn’t going to take it. Haruka wants this, and if Sousuke does, too, then why should it have to be so difficult?

Haruka doesn’t have enough experience with relationships to say he knows the different types of men there are out there for him to potentially end up in bed with, or dating. His first ‘real’ relationship with a man probably wasn’t the norm, at least according to what he’s heard and seen, and he knows things would be very different with Sousuke. They would be, if Haruka’s past would be willing to let him try, and if Sousuke would get past his inhibitions.

Days pass without Haruka seeing or even hearing anything from Sousuke. Rin continues to be the one coming into the café to get their morning or after-lunch-coffee, and every time Haruka sees the empty space next to Rin, his heart aches.

“I’ve never seen your hair like this,” Aki says. “In all of the time I’ve known you, this is the first time I’ve gotten to actually _see_ the infamous mini-ponytail Gou talks about.”

Rin raises an unimpressed eyebrow. “The fact that she talks about it so often is what should be concerning, to be honest. It’s nothing big! I keep my hair like this when I work most of the time.”

It’s pretty cute, Haruka has to admit. Rin doesn’t have long hair, not at all, so the little ponytail he manages to make with what little hair is starting to trail down his neck is, obviously, very small. It suits him, though, Haruka thinks, but it isn’t a hairstyle he’d dream of trying himself.

“Ever considered getting a haircut?” he asks, and Rin looks at Haruka like he’d just offended Rin’s entire bloodline.

“God no. No. I like it, and I don’t care if you don’t.”

“I didn’t say I don’t like it,” Haruka replies, “but if it’s in the way to the point where you have to put it up, why keep it long?”

“Hey, why do Gou and Aki get to have long hair and put it up in ponytails and braids, but I don’t? Is it because I’m a man?”

Haruka laughs, shaking his head. “I’m just messing with you, Rin. Now go, before your coffee gets cold.”

Rin lets out a _hmph_ , but he grins before turning around and leaving the café. Aki turns to Haruka, and the look she gives him is mildly concerning.

“Alright, Nanase. After work, we need to talk.”

Haruka looks back at Aki with confusion. “Something up?”

“That’s for you to tell _me_. Not now, in ten minutes.”

He realises then what it is she wants to talk about, and the fact that he hasn’t told Aki about him and Sousuke yet. It’s probably very obvious why Sousuke isn’t coming in with Rin anymore; if Aki herself hasn’t done anything to piss off Sousuke, it’s probably the only other person working there whenever they come in. If Sousuke had beef with either Kazuki or Chigusa, he’d at least show up during their shifts, but whenever one of them has come in during their shift recently, it’s been Rin.

They work for another ten minutes until it’s time to pass over the baton to Chigusa and Kazuki, who come in well on time to have time for a chat with Haruka and Aki.

“How’ve things been going so far?” Kazuki asks. His light-brown hair is, as always, neatly parted a little bit off-centre, with a stubborn little group of hairs hanging down between his eyes. Haruka’s always liked him: he’s easy to talk to, funny, and most importantly very organised.

Kazuki’s partner-in-crime, Chigusa, is a bubbly woman who could easily still be in her early twenties, though she _is_ the same age as the others. Aki’s always doing her best to be nice to Chigusa, but Haruka knows just how much Chigusa ticks Aki off with their vastly different personalities. Haruka’s just glad he isn’t surrounded by arrogant idiots like he was when working at the restaurant he used to work in when living in Sendai. The only sane person at that place had been Satoru, and Haruka’s still sad he never found out what happened to his former co-worker.

“Pretty hectic, as expected of a Friday,” Aki replies. “Good luck with the last stretch.”

Kazuki laughs. “Thanks. Now scram, go enjoy your weekend while we get back to work.”

“Will do,” Haruka smiles. “Have a nice weekend, you two.”

He and Aki exit around back, starting their walk towards the train station where they’ll go their separate ways. They stop at the park where they go to sit down, and Aki lights a cigarette. She hasn’t said anything since they left the café, which concerns Haruka as he’s starting to wonder if he’s done something to piss _her_ off.

“Now,” Aki finally says. “What the hell’s been going on with Sousuke, and why hasn’t he shown up at the café? Don’t play dumb, Nanase, I know you’re involved.”

He isn’t even involved, he’s directly _responsible_ for Sousuke’s absence at the coffee shop these past few days. And Sousuke’s Aki’s friend, too, so of course she would want to know why her friend has suddenly stopped visiting her at work, as if it’s something _she’s_ done. Which is as far from the truth as one can come, and Haruka feels bad for things having turned out this way as it ended up affecting not only himself and Sousuke, but others around them, too.

“Listen… you’ve been right about me and Sousuke. We’ve sort of started going towards a romantic relationship.”

“Finally,” Aki says, and now her laugh is genuine, sounding almost relieved. “What took you so long?”

Haruka shrugs helplessly. “I wish I knew.”

“Then what the hell caused Sousuke to just _disappear_ , if things were starting to finally look up for the both of you?”

“My fear of ending up like Taichi with Ryuuhei.”

Aki starts glaring at Haruka by her side, but she quickly loses the frown and replaces it with a softer, almost sad expression, accompanied by a sigh. She taps her cigarette against her middle finger, and ash falls down from it onto the ground beneath their feet.

“You know, you’re already well on your way there, I think. You keep separating yourself from Taichi, and that’s a hell of a good start. You’re not him anymore, in many ways. I mean, hell—even a _year_ ago, I only vaguely recognised you, but I didn’t know how.”

“Because you thought maybe I was Taichi’s cousin.”

Aki smiles. “Exactly. You’re not Taichi, and Sousuke isn’t Ryuuhei, in any way whatsoever. He’s as anti-Ryuuhei as you could get.”

“ _’Anti-Ryuuhei_ ’,” Haruka repeats with a snort. “That’s a good way to put it.”

“I’m serious, Haru! You’re you, and Taichi was Taichi. Just… give him a chance. Give the _both_ of you a chance.”

Haruka groans, burying his face in his hands. “I’m trying, Aki. He’s being really nice to me, and he’s scared shitless of doing something I might not like. Despite this, even the most trivial shit makes me freak out. I keep… thinking of and seeing Ryuuhei when I’m with Sousuke, and I don’t want to.”

“Of course you don’t.” Aki puts her cigarette out, and she leans her head on Haruka’s shoulder. “I think you should talk to him. Maybe not tell him _everything_ , but let him know you’ve had bad experiences with romantic relationships before, and that you want to take it slow. Like, _real_ slow.”

“He kind of already knows.”

“Then be a little more specific; you can afford that. I know you can’t be completely honest with him, but there are still things you _can_ tell him. Trust me, I… I know.”

Of course, Haruka knows she’s telling the truth. Aki was put in the witness protection program and given a new identity legally, so she’s been told by the police what to do and what _not_ to do. She definitely knows more about stuff like this than Haruka does, so it’s safe for him to take her word for it.

If Haruka was able to distinguish Kisumi from Ryuuhei, why wouldn’t he be able to do the same thing with Sousuke? He can if he wants to, and he _really_ wants to make things work with Sousuke. It’s strange, because every tiny setback he’s had with Sousuke has only further strengthened his resolve to make things work rather than to give up and run away. He just hopes Sousuke still, deep down, feels the same way.

When Haruka and Aki go their separate ways, Haruka gives Rin a call. They should’ve both just gotten off work for the day, so Rin should be able to answer Haruka’s phone call.

“ _Hey, Haru. ‘Sup?_ ”

… which he does. “Rin, hey. Are you off work yet?”

“ _Just about. Why, what’s this about?_ ”

Haruka hesitates a second too long. “Is Sousuke there with you?”

“ _Nah, he’s still getting changed. Do you wanna talk to him or somethin’?_ ”

“No, no—that’s fine!” Haruka replies a little too insistently. “I just… well, do you know if Sousuke’s got anything planned after work? I kind of need to see him.”

“’ _Need’? Did something happen?_ ”

Haruka really doesn’t have the time nor energy to explain everything to Rin _now_ , so he wants to try and avoid that to all costs, hoping Rin won’t be able to convince him. There’ll be plenty of time to explain things later, either when it’s too late, or when things have just calmed down. Haruka hopes for the latter, despite knowing that having hope only sets him up for potential disappointment in the end.

“I really can’t explain that now, Rin. I’m sorry.”

Rin sighs. “ _Alright, fine. No, as far as I know, he’s heading back home. Does this have to do with the weird air between you the other day?_ ”

It’s really that obvious, isn’t it?

“The short answer is yes; I’ve screwed up and I want to make it up to him.”

“ _Then now’s the time. I won’t ask anything else now, but you owe me an explanation later. Good luck, Haru_.”

Thankful for Rin’s ability to realise when it’s time to talk about things and when it _isn’t_ , Haruka hangs up, and heads back home quickly to wash his face in ice cold water and slap some determination into his cheeks.

 

* * *

 

Haruka walks with long strides over to Sousuke’s from the bus. Sousuke works quite a bit away from home, but he also has a car, so it shouldn’t take him long to get back home. Haruka really wants to be there before Sousuke gets there so Sousuke won’t have the chance to see Haruka and run away. He might _still_ run off when he sees Haruka sitting outside his apartment door waiting for him (terrible idea to do this to a police officer who could easily arrest him for stalking or god knows what, but Haruka really isn’t thinking along those lines right now), but Haruka hopes he’ll be able to stop Sousuke from doing so. He has no idea how, though.

It feels like just the other week, he and Sousuke were still just friends hanging out every now and then. But in all honesty, things have been on a ‘more than friends’-level for a long time now without Haruka realising. He feels bad for Sousuke having had to wait for Haruka to open his eyes for probably a painstakingly long time, and even now, Sousuke hasn’t crossed the finish line. Haruka hopes he’ll be able to cross it with Sousuke soon, but he still doesn’t know what he needs to do in order to achieve such a feat.

Clearly, it has to do with his past trauma with Ryuuhei. Haruka wonders how the hell he managed to let Kisumi in—even though it took a while—when it’s so much more difficult with Sousuke. Haruka’s relationship with Kisumi is obviously very different, but it still shouldn’t be this difficult after all this time. Does it mean that Haruka simply doesn’t trust Sousuke enough to let him in? Haruka knows genuine trust can’t be forced, and that it has to be earned, but if anything, Sousuke’s more than earned it a long time ago. So there’s still something missing, but Haruka doesn’t know what, and how to fix it.

But he won’t be able to find out unless he reaches out first, so that’s what Haruka hopes he can do.

Haruka sits right outside Sousuke’s door when Sousuke arrives. It’s really just pure luck no one’s walked by and found Haruka creepy enough to call the police. He briefly wondered sarcastically to himself if that would’ve made Sousuke come home faster.

Sousuke stops just as his eyes meet Haruka’s. “What’re you doing here?”

“Wow,” Haruka deadpans. “I’d have thought you’d be more happy to see me. Or maybe that’s why you’ve been avoiding me and everyone else for the past week.”

“You don’t get it,” Sousuke says. “I only stayed away because I knew it’d be better.”

Haruka snorts, rolling his eyes. “Brilliant idea.” He stops, realising he’s being too harsh on Sousuke. Part of this is his fault, too; otherwise Sousuke wouldn’t have had a reason to avoid Haruka in the first place. “Listen… can’t we just talk?”

He wonders what his old self, Taichi, would say if he saw the way he’d turn out years later. Standing up to the one he loved in the past only brought both physical and emotional pain, and while Haruka’s still experiencing some of the emotional pain because of his and Sousuke’s inabilities to begin a romantic relationship, at least it doesn’t leave visible wounds and bruises. It’s easier to hide, should he have to.

Sousuke sighs, drops the defensive stance. “Okay. Come in, then.”

While Sousuke unlocks the door, Haruka gets up, and then follows Sousuke inside. They take their shoes off in the hallway and enter in silence, and when they’ve both gotten seated on the couch, Haruka suddenly loses all confidence he’d built up earlier. He asks himself why he’s chasing a man who clearly deserves better than someone who’s still struggling to put his past behind him, years later. Why should Sousuke have to put up with all of this when he could find someone who doesn’t have all this emotional baggage?

For the longest time after showing his true colours, Ryuuhei made Taichi believe he would never be loved, that he was worthless, and that he would never find someone better than Ryuuhei. Haruka finally _did_ find someone better than Ryuuhei in so many ways, but that’s why he now asks himself if he’s truly worth it. If he’s allowed to _be_ this happy, after everything that’s happened and that he’s done.

Maybe it’s okay to be selfish sometimes.

“Years ago,” Haruka begins, “I had a boyfriend. When we first started dating, things were really good. I thought he understood me, supported me… that he was there for me, you know. It was too good to be true, I should’ve known that. He’d… use violence, in many ways, to get what he wanted. To use, control, and manipulate me.”

Haruka’s really only scratching the surface with this carefully tailored story he shares with Sousuke. So many details have to be left out to not give Sousuke any hints about Taichi and the life he led, and what was the _actual_ reason Haruka came to Iwatobi. To Sousuke, Haruka is just a guy who moved with his childhood friend from Niigata to Iwatobi for a change of scenery. To Sousuke, that’s what Haruka will hopefully always be.

“This… is why I’ve had issues with getting close to people. To _you_. Because I keep thinking that maybe this is also too good to be true. It isn’t that I think you’re like him, but my mind keeps telling me ‘you never know’.”

“Haru, I would never—”

“I know,” Haruka interrupts. “I know that. That’s why I’m here, Sousuke. But I want you to know that it isn’t you who’s hindering all this. It’s me.”

Sousuke lowers his eyebrows. “It’s not you either, Haru.”

“Then who?”

“If not either of us, how about the man who did this to you?”

Haruka opens his mouth, but he doesn’t know what he’d say in response. In a way, it’s Ryuuhei’s fault since normal people probably don’t treat their significant others like Ryuuhei treated Taichi, but on the other hand, it’s also Taichi’s fault for not being careful, and only thinking about using Ryuuhei for money. The one time Taichi didn’t think a few steps ahead, it would end up scarring him mentally—and physically—for years to come.

He can’t say outright that he’s partly to blame for it all, because Sousuke doesn’t know why Taichi chose to get in bed with Ryuuhei from the beginning; hell, Sousuke doesn’t even know who Taichi _is_. It’s still so frustrating for Haruka to keep having all of these secrets from basically everyone around him, because many times, he feels like his story doesn’t check out and that he needs to supply it with more details for things to make sense.

“What do you want me to do?” Sousuke asks. “What can I do without making you uncomfortable?”

Haruka moves closer to Sousuke, and is glad to see Sousuke doesn’t move away when he does so. He lays a hand on top of Sousuke’s, and carefully grabs it. “Listen, and observe. That’s all I ask, and I’ll do the same in return. I’m really scared, but I also want to be with you. It’s complicated.”

“You want me to meet you halfway. Compromise.”

“For starters,” Haruka clarifies. “Can I… can I try kissing you?”

Haruka makes sure to meet Sousuke’s gaze while asking the question, and his heart skips a beat when he sees Sousuke’s gentle smile in response.

“I’ve wanted to kiss you for what feels like ages now.”

He takes it as a yes, and scoots forward on the couch again, placing his fingers on Sousuke’s chin to bring Sousuke’s face closer to his. His heart beats faster in his chest, but Haruka doesn’t feel nervous in a bad way. He can feel both Sousuke’s patience and desire, but right now, it doesn’t scare him. Sousuke lets Haruka take the lead, which makes Haruka feel a whole lot calmer and confident about the whole situation.

Never before has Haruka kissed anyone as softly as right now. It almost reminds him of dipping his toe into the water to see if it’s too cold to jump in, but it’s actually very nice, and Haruka almost wants to dive right in. When Sousuke puts a hand on the back of Haruka’s head, Haruka in return deepens the kiss.

It feels different. Different from the few kisses he ever got from Ryuuhei, different from Kisumi. It’s a very good kind of different that doesn’t scare Haruka, that doesn’t make him want to turn around and run away. He wouldn’t ever want to call his friends-with-benefits-phase with Kisumi ‘practice’, because while it _was_ practice in a sense, it was also so much more than that, to both Haruka and Kisumi. It was a way for them to trust people again, and a way to help each other get over their past trauma.

He’s a little reluctant to pull away, but does so regardless. Little steps, he tells himself. He can tell Sousuke wanted more, too, but that Sousuke’s disappointment quickly fades away as he instead smiles, genuinely, and leans his forehead against Haruka’s.

“I’m glad you came here to drag me back.”

“Well, _someone_ had to,” Haruka says, feeling a little bashful at the tone of Sousuke’s voice and the implication of his words.

“I’m just saying I’m glad it was you.”

In truth, Haruka’s glad he was the one to do this, too, that he didn’t have to send someone else, or that one of his friends would eventually have to volunteer. This all happened because of something that involved Haruka, so he should’ve been the only one who would have to come here and confront Sousuke.

It makes him feel like he’s finally, _finally_ , been able to accomplish something. There’s that, but also the softly prodding feeling inside him that tells him it can’t be this easy. He wants it to be, for once, but knows it definitely isn’t. Because, soon enough, Sousuke’s proximity starts making Haruka feel uneasy, and he has to excuse himself, and leave. Sure, it was a step forward, but now, Haruka feels like he’s taken a step back again.

_[i’m sorry]_

Haruka’s finger hovers over the send-button, but he eventually just turns off his display and puts his phone back into his pocket before continuing back home. He briefly considers visiting Kisumi, but ends up going against this bad habit of theirs that they’ve yet to properly break. Last time was a temporary relapse, or that’s what they told themselves. But Haruka also knows that it won’t be the last time unless he actively makes sure that it stays that way.


	16. like icing on the cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke's birthday is just around the corner, and Aki has An Idea.
> 
> Later, Sousuke repays Haruka the dinner favour. (It's a date.)

Monday rolls around again, and the week starts anew. What’s changed since the week before is that Rin now brings Sousuke with him as he used to, and while it’s a _little_ awkward at first between Haruka and Sousuke, things quickly smooth themselves over, and they’re able to talk like they used to. Maybe not quite like they used to, since things have started changing for the better between them.

Haruka just can’t help but wonder how long Sousuke’s going to be understanding and put up with his wishy-washy behaviour.

That Monday morning, Haruka has something unusual on his schedule that leaves him in the kitchen all the time, making Aki have to fend for herself out in the café itself. What seemed like completely out of the blue, an order for a cake came in to Suzuki, who then forwarded the request to Haruka. It’s a birthday cake which the commissioner wants to be fashion-themed, since the recipient of the cake is into fashion. ‘ _Really_ into fashion,’ as Suzuki had quoted from the email he’d gotten.

It’s unusual, and a bit tedious, but Haruka definitely has fun. He covers his two-tiered cake in light purple fondant, and carves a soft diamond pattern along the top tier with a Dresden veining tool. Every other diamond is then brushed in a darker purple colour made from powder mixed with a splash of vodka. Down from the top tier, he pipes indigo-coloured royal icing in thin strings to create a fringe that hangs down onto the bottom part of the cake. At the very top of the cake, Haruka places a shoe he’s made out of melted chocolate that he had set in a mould in the fridge.

Just as he’s done piping the very bottom of the second tier with buttercream, Aki walks into the kitchen before her smoke break, and her gasp nearly makes Haruka jump out of his skin.

“Wow, Haru… that’s beautiful.”

Haruka takes a step back to finally take a proper look at the first cake he’s made, and he’s pretty impressed with the result. While he’s been working with it, Haruka hasn’t taken the time to take a step back and see the progress, but he’s really happy with how it came out, and hopes that the person who commissioned the cake—not to mention the cake recipient—will be satisfied, too.

“Thanks,” he smiles. “That took some work, though. But it was fun.”

“It sure _looked_ like it was fun. Oh. _Oh_ , idea incoming,” Aki says, and the grin that slowly creeps onto her lips makes Haruka suspicious. “Can I commission you for a cake?”

Haruka raises his eyebrows. “What’s this about?”

“Sousuke’s birthday is coming up, and I’d love for him to have a cake made by you. Wouldn’t _you_ want to make him something?”

As soon as she says it, it hits Haruka with how brilliant of idea it is. Not just because he’s now discovered he’s apparently pretty good at cake decorating besides tiny cupcakes and other pastries, but because it would be a good gift from him to Sousuke. It could also be the start of an apology as for how Haruka acted towards the end when they’d last been together, but Haruka obviously has to complete the apology verbally.

“You know what,” Haruka replies, “I do; that’s a great idea. Let’s get together with Gou and we’ll come up with some ideas.”

Aki claps her hands together in excitement. “Yes! Oh, this is going to be great—he’ll love it.”

The finished cake goes into the fridge, barely fitting among the other items they have inside, and later that afternoon, the commissioner comes to get it. As Haruka had hoped, she’s very much happy with the result; she even goes so far as to say she’ll definitely be back to commission Haruka again for another cake (someone apparently has a lot of friends, not to mention money to spend on cakes like these).

After work, Haruka and Aki get together with Gou at their apartment to discuss cake ideas for Sousuke’s birthday over a bottle of white. It’s a Monday, but apparently, that doesn’t stop the two women from taking out a bottle of white wine from the fridge to share while brainstorming cake ideas. It could also be because it’s _Monday_ , and they’ve both had a rather tough start to the week at work.

As would be expected of Aki, she’d taken a photo of Haruka’s cake, which she shows Gou, who is very impressed by Haruka’s talent for cake decorating. It doesn’t take much convincing—or any at all—before Gou is all aboard the idea of giving Sousuke a custom-made cake for his birthday, made by Haruka.

“What should the theme be?” Gou asks. “I mean, the most obvious thing would be to go by his profession, but I don’t think Sousuke would appreciate a cake decorated in handcuffs and guns.”

Aki snort-laughs, and gives Gou a high-five. “Please, let’s do that. I _love_ that idea.”

“… In that case, I’m not making the cake.”

“Oh, come on, Haru; don’t be like that,” Aki says, still laughing. “It’d be fun. He’d be able to appreciate the humour in it.”

Haruka still isn’t convinced, and won’t ever be. No way in hell. “Anything but a kink cake. Please.”

“Who said it’s kinky? It’s related to his _job_ , Haru. You’re the one who thinks it’s kinky.”

Gou laughs, shaking her head. “Okay, okay—on a serious note, what do we do?”

When thinking further on it, Haruka realises he really doesn’t know enough about Sousuke’s hobbies to be able to come up with a cake idea for the person in question. After all this time, Haruka really doesn’t know that much about Sousuke, after all. It makes him feel a bit ashamed, but he also tries to think about it positively—maybe _now_ is the time he’ll actually get to know Sousuke better.

… that, of course, doesn’t help him _now_ , when he, Aki, and Gou are trying to come up with an idea for a birthday cake.

“How about just… making a cool cake that doesn’t have to do with his interests, but writing something on it that could resonate with him, instead?” Aki asks, and Haruka almost has to ask what the hell she’s doing inside of his head, because he had just been thinking along the same lines.

“Oh,” Gou says with wonder in her voice. “I like that. What would we write, then?”

Haruka thinks back to the brief conversation he and Sousuke had about Sousuke’s former swimming career that he’d had to give up following high school. It’s obvious to Haruka that it had been a difficult decision to make, and considering how Sousuke had sounded and acted when they’d talked about it, swimming _still_ means something to him, years later.

He, too, knows a bit about what it’s like to have to give up something he likes because he had to prioritise differently. Sure, Haruka went back to painting and art in general years later, but it’s a little different in Sousuke’s case, where his physical health was what put a permanent end to competitive swimming for him.

“How about something related to swimming?” he suggests. “I mean… he has a past with it, obviously enjoyed it. Maybe not something that could tear up old wounds, but rather something that would make him think back on those days positively.”

“That’s a great idea! Inspirational quotes can be pretty cliché, but if you do ‘em right, they don’t have to be.”

As soon as Gou says ‘inspirational quote’, Haruka remembers Sumire’s words to him from when they last spoke on the phone about his struggle with Sousuke. _Fall seven times, get up eight_. It fits Sousuke perfectly, as someone who’s had to face multiple struggles in life, but always having gotten back up to try again, to find a different path to walk.

“What about ‘fall seven times, get up eight’?” Haruka then says. “It’s… something Mum says to me sometimes. As a reminder to never give up.”

“Your mum’s smart,” Aki says. “Please tell her I said that; I really liked her. I’m all for that quote, I feel like it suits him.”

Haruka laughs a little. “Sure, I’ll tell her.”

Finally, long after they’ve finished the white wine, the three have come up with a cake idea for Sousuke’s birthday. After a lot of insisting and convincing, Gou and Aki chip in for the various things Haruka has to buy in order to make this cake a reality. Gladly, he has many of the staple ingredients, so it won’t be too expensive of a cake to make and decorate. Even so, Haruka wouldn’t mind. He knows it won’t be often he’ll get to do this for someone he knows; all that really matters is making sure Sousuke likes the end product.

With not too many days left until it’s Sousuke’s birthday, Haruka starts making a few of the decorations Tuesday evening after work. It’s funny, because he’s just spent all day baking, yet he isn’t at all tired of it when he comes home to start making things for Sousuke’s cake. Some wise-ass would probably speculate that it has to do with his more-than-friendly feelings, but Haruka doesn’t want to admit it to himself.

He makes a sign out of gum-paste that he can leave to dry until Thursday, and paints the text onto it with black food colouring watered down with lemon juice. Haruka then paints he border in gold, which will make it stand out a little from the rest of the cake, which will be sprayed in various shades of teal and darker blue. _That_ might be the most cliché thing on this cake, if Sousuke manages to figure out that the colours are based on his eye colour in different lighting. Haruka’s at least paid attention to that tiny detail, but it really hasn’t been that difficult to do since he likes looking at Sousuke, anyway.

Not that he’d admit it, of course, but regardless.

For now, Haruka only makes the gum-paste decorations, and leaves the cake sketch on the kitchen counter for the next day. The cake will definitely be able to sit in the fridge for a day, so Haruka figures he might as well make the cake on Wednesday, and leave it be until Sousuke’s birthday when he’ll transport it to wherever they’ll be and stack the cake at the actual location. He’s read horror stories where people have stacked their cakes beforehand and then had the cake completely ruined during transport, and since this is the first cake Haruka’s made for someone he cares about, he really doesn’t want it to fail miserably.

 

* * *

 

On Thursday, Rin drags Sousuke to the coffee shop for a complimentary mug of coffee and one of Haruka’s less sweet cupcakes. It’s really just a pre-taste of what’s to come that evening, but of course, Sousuke still has no idea. As terrible as Makoto has been in the past at keeping secrets, for Sousuke’s birthday he’s at least managed to keep his lips sealed. Rin knows, sure, but he’s a lot better at keeping things secret than his boyfriend is, even from his best friend.

“You made this?” Sousuke asks, almost as if he’s suspicious. The way he’s inspecting the cupcake doesn’t help, either, but Haruka hopes it isn’t because Sousuke doubts his baking skills.

“I did.”

“He makes most of the pastries we sell these days,” Aki fills in. “I know you wouldn’t notice since you’re not into sweets normally, but that’s how it is.”

Sousuke makes an impressed face, raising his eyebrows. “Maybe you’ll manage to convince me to love sweets, then, Haru.”

Haruka snorts. “Oh, I hope so. Both me and Makoto would appreciate having another member on the team.”

The moment of truth comes, and Haruka doesn’t notice he’s holding his breath as Sousuke tastes his cupcake. It quickly hits him that it’s probably rude to blatantly stare, so Haruka pretends to preoccupy himself with something else until Sousuke says something. It hadn’t been nearly as nerve-wracking when Aki had tasted his cupcakes for the first time, but Haruka knows why that is. No offence to Aki, of course.

“You know what,” Sousuke says. “I think you may have actually started getting me to like sweets, Haru. This is really good, thank you.”

Haruka turns back around, and lets out a quiet sigh of relief. “Good, that was my plan all along. Happy birthday, Sousuke.”

The smile he receives almost makes him topple over, and it makes it worse when Haruka sees Aki grin knowingly at him in the corner of his eye. “Thanks.”

“I’m not gonna lie to you, Haru; I’m not a fan of sweets myself,” Rin says. “But I’m open to trying stuff out, that’s for sure.”

“Isn’t that one of the reasons why Makoto’s with you to begin w—?”

“Shut up and eat your fucking cupcake, Sousuke.”

When there’s just the polka-dotted wrapper left, and two takeaway mugs of coffee have been prepared, Rin and Sousuke leave the café to return to work. Following work that evening, Rin has been instructed to bring Sousuke over to Haruka’s, where they’ll hold a little get-together for Sousuke’s birthday. Since Sousuke doesn’t usually remember his birthday, all he knows is that they’re getting together just to hang out since they haven’t been together as a group in a while. Which is true, of course, but the real reason is a little more complex than that.

It still makes Haruka a little sad to think about the fact that Sousuke hasn’t been used to celebrating his birthday for a large part of his life. Haruka may not have had the best life at home with Sumire and Tooru, but at least they celebrated his birthday every year… well, apart from the one year after Tooru had died, but that’s still most of Taichi’s birthdays covered. And even now, Sumire still feels bad about having missed that one birthday, even though Haruka’s birth date is now different from Taichi’s.

While it obviously isn’t good to take things for granted, Haruka at least hopes he’ll be able to contribute to Sousuke not being as surprised every year when people remember his birthday.

After work, Haruka and Aki go back home to get changed, and after a while, Aki, Makoto, and Gou join Haruka at his place to witness the cake come together, and to await Sousuke, Kisumi, and Rin’s arrival. Kisumi has promised he’ll be there on time, maybe even a little earlier than that, and it made Haruka smile while reading the message. It still feels a little strange that Kisumi is back, this time for good, but it’s a good kind of strange.

Kisumi’s recently gotten a new job as a secretary, and this time, he’s promised both himself and Haruka that he’ll work himself up the ladder and be the one who _has_ a secretary one day. Where he’ll be the one who asks someone to book his boring meetings and sort out his paperwork for him. They both knew, when coming to Iwatobi, that their new, ‘normal’ lives would include boring jobs. But that’s still a lot better—not to mention _safer_ —than what they used to do. And that’s the most important thing. As long as it brings in money, Haruka really doesn’t care; he’s just really gotten lucky in finding something he quite enjoys doing.

“That’s an amazing cake, Haru. He’s gonna love it.”

Haruka turns to Gou, and he smiles a little before turning his gaze back to the cake. “I hope so. I don’t know what’s more important, that he likes the _look_ of it, or the flavour.”

“Well, the first thing he’ll obviously notice is the superficial stuff. But if he liked the cupcake, why wouldn’t he like the cake?”

Aki has a point, but a cake and a cupcake are still two different things, despite being baked goods. Haruka had made sure to use more buttercream than whipped cream, since most people tend to prefer the former. Sousuke may not be a sweets person, but maybe the chances of him liking the cake are better if there’s less sweet things on it.

The doorbell rings, and Haruka goes to open the door for Kisumi. He’s changed into semi-casual clothing after a long day of wearing a dress shirt, black trousers, and ‘fancy, expensive shoes’, as he put it himself. The first day of Kisumi’s new job, he’d sent Haruka a picture of what he’d have to wear every day, and it had made Haruka laugh out loud in the kitchen. Out of curiosity, Aki had joined him, and when shown the image, she’d laughed even more than Haruka had.

The gang sans Rin and Sousuke sit down in the living room to hang out while Haruka goes to set out the food they’ll be having. He and Gou made light, tapas-like food, since they’ll be having cake afterwards—and besides, Haruka thinks food like this is the only kind of food that’s fitting for a birthday celebration. There’s fried chicken, tako- and ebiyaki courtesy of Gou, marinated sashimi, as well as a salad made mostly from the last vegetables from Haruka’s garden.

Despite having gotten a late start to his gardening, Haruka managed to grow quite a bit of both flowers and vegetables, and now that the season’s over, it’s probably been the first and last time Haruka got to grow things in his own garden. Next year around this time, Haruka will probably live in an apartment without the ability to grow more than a potted plant, and the mere thought of it makes him even _less_ inclined to move, and he’s already at the very bottom.

“Hey, sorry we’re late!”

Rin, of course, is the only one who would enter Haruka’s house without ringing the doorbell first. But Haruka’s gotten so used to this that he doesn’t lock the door anymore when he knows Rin is coming over. It’s a good thing he lives in a peaceful town with a low crime-rate to begin with, or Haruka wouldn’t even dream of leaving his door unlocked.

In comes Rin and Sousuke finally, and when Sousuke joins them all in the living room, everyone yells a ‘happy birthday’ greeting in his face, which makes him almost stumble backwards. Haruka and Aki both laugh at Sousuke’s shocked expression.

“Glad you could make it,” Haruka says, feeling a little nervous all of a sudden. “I, uh, made you something. It’s—”

“Don’t you dare say ‘it’s nothing big’”, Kisumi warns Haruka. “Don’t listen to him, Sou.”

Sousuke gives Kisumi a look of mixed amusement with residual confusion from his shock just a minute ago. “Guessing you’re not the only one here who knows, huh.”

“You’d be correct. Now, off you go. I’m excited to hear and see your reaction, too.”

Sousuke obediently follows Haruka into the kitchen while the rest stay behind. It’s funny, because Haruka could very easily tell how much literally everyone wanted to join him and Sousuke in the kitchen to see how Sousuke’s going to react to his birthday cake. On one hand, Haruka would’ve appreciated a little company as he’s nervous about what Sousuke’s going to say, but on the other, he’s glad it’s just the two of them.

Just before they get into the kitchen, Haruka turns around to stop Sousuke from walking in further. “Wait here. Turn around, don’t look.”

Sousuke laughs softly. “What’s going on, Haru?”

“It’s nothing bad… I hope. I mean, I don’t mean it to _be_ bad, of course.”

“I doubt you’d ever do that. Okay, I won’t look, I promise.”

When Sousuke turns his back to the kitchen, Haruka makes his way over to the fridge, inside which there’s very few things left since he’s had to make room for the now stacked cake. Gladly it’s only two-tiered, or it wouldn’t have fit inside of Haruka’s fridge at all, but it was still a pretty close fit. Haruka had to move stuff around in his fridge quite a bit to make room in the very middle, and he’s secretly happy now that he finally gets to take the cake out for the last time and not have it go back inside.

If there’s any cake left by the end of the evening, he’ll send the rest of it home with Sousuke, or maybe a very lucky Makoto.

As a finishing touch after having carefully placed the cake on his kitchen counter, Haruka places the gum-paste sign on top, and then he takes a deep breath. “Okay, you can turn around and come inside now.”

He doesn’t dare turn to face Sousuke, but instead stands and stubbornly stares at his cake while he hears Sousuke’s steps getting closer. Sousuke stops right next to him, and Haruka can’t help but smile to himself when he hears a whispered ‘oh my god’.

“Didn’t you say you _made_ this?”

“Yeah. What… uh, what do you think?”

The dumb thing is that Haruka’s probably going to have to ask this again when Sousuke gets to taste the cake. And it’s probably not going to be less nerve-wracking that time, either.

“I… wow, Haru. I can’t believe you’d do this for me.”

Haruka finally dares to look to his side, at Sousuke. “To be fair, this wasn’t all my idea. But… yeah, I baked it.”

When Haruka feels fingers softly touching his hand at his side, he flinches. It’s only because it’s so unexpected, but it’s not unwelcome. He shyly lets his fingers intertwine with Sousuke’s, and feels his heart beat faster.

“Thank you. It’s… really pretty. I can’t believe you’d go through all this trouble for me. But I’m really grateful.”

To Haruka, it’s pretty damn obvious why he’d go so far as to make a cake from scratch for Sousuke’s birthday, and he hopes that one day, maybe Sousuke will understand why without Haruka having to spell it out for him. He won’t give Sousuke that luxury, at least not now.

He’s understood that Sousuke doesn’t have the best self-confidence, and that he’d find it odd that people would do things like these for him. But Haruka hopes that he’ll be able to help lift Sousuke’s confidence, at least a little bit, because Sousuke’s worth things like these. And so much more.

“… can we come join you now? I’m really hungry.”

Haruka turns around, seeing Rin and Kisumi peek into the kitchen around the door frame. He snorts, and smiles. “Food first, then cake.”

It’s a pretty modest birthday celebration, but Sousuke seems to enjoy himself, nevertheless. Everyone enjoys dinner, and the birthday cake disappears faster than Haruka had expected. Either Sousuke’s good at faking, or he actually really likes the cake. To be fair, Haruka knew from the get-go that he had a few tough people to convince to eat cake, but he’s surprised it was that easy.

“You know, I have to echo Sousuke here. I might reconsider my dislike for sweets.”

Haruka grins. “Mission accomplished. Then can I count on you buying something to go with your coffee every now and then from now on?”

“We’ll see,” Rin replies, making an unsure face. “Small steps. No, but seriously, Haru—you’ve done well. As with the food, of course! Thanks, both Haru and Gou.”

Since it _is_ still a Thursday, people start heading home not too long after they’ve had cake, and the leftovers have been put in Tupperware for Sousuke to take back home. Haruka’s glad he only has Friday left until he can stay home and do absolutely nothing the entire weekend, and maybe catch up on sleep which he hasn’t been getting enough of lately.

“I’ll help you clean up, Haru.”

Haruka turns to face Sousuke, and his heart skips a beat. “No, you don’t have to. It’s your birthday.”

“Maybe I can use that as an excuse then, to get what I want just for today?”

He really can’t argue with Sousuke about something so small and insignificant, so Haruka just smiles, and shrugs in response as he shuts the door behind the others. It always feels weird whenever he’s had a bunch of people over just after they’ve left, because Haruka’s then once again reminded of how big his house is. It really isn’t good for him to live alone in such a gigantic house; he knows this, but still can’t bring himself to move out despite his lack of financial stability that could’ve allowed it.

Haruka and Sousuke clean up in the living room, and then do the dishes side by side in the kitchen during comfortable silence. It’s been a nice evening spent with Haruka’s closest friends, and he’s as always looking forward to the next time they all get to hang out. The next birthday coming up isn’t until mid-November when it’s Makoto’s turn, so Haruka still has plenty of time to think of what kind of cake he wants to create.

He figures he might as well make it into a tradition of baking cakes whenever a friend’s birthday is coming up; he’d refused payment from Gou and Aki for Sousuke’s cake, mostly because it would feel weird to have his friends pay him to bake a cake for someone Haruka cares about. As if he’d let Sumire pay him to bake their wedding cake… almost.

 _Someone Haruka cares about_. Haruka’s heart flutters at the thought, and he sneaks a glance at Sousuke by his side, who has his arms wet up to his elbows, and a few soap bubbles scattered about on his hands. It’s an oddly adorable sight, but Haruka’s too cowardly to let himself blatantly stare.

“I know I’ve already said this, but… thank you for everything tonight, Haru.”

Haruka smiles down at his hands, wiping them off on a towel. “It was nothing, really. I’d gladly do it again.”

“Not before I get to make you dinner. I still haven’t returned the favour from last time, you know.”

“Oh, right. I’d almost forgotten.”

Sousuke laughs softly. “I haven’t. When do you think you can?”

 _As soon as possible_. “Any day, really,” Haruka replies with a shrug. “Depends on you.”

“How about this weekend?”

Haruka’s _so_ glad they seem to think along the same lines. He turns to face Sousuke, and takes a step forward to wrap his arms around Sousuke’s waist. “I’d love that.”

Softly, almost tentatively, Sousuke embraces Haruka back, pulling him in close. “You know, I… really don’t wanna have to leave. I could stay like this for a long time if possible.”

“… I wish you could, too. Responsibilities suck.”

“They do indeed,” Sousuke says.

 

* * *

 

Finally, Saturday arrives. It’s both a relieving feeling to wake up knowing Haruka doesn’t have to go to work until Monday, but he’s also hit by a nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach knowing what awaits him later that evening. He knows everyone around him—including the stray cats that regularly visit his backyard, if they could talk—would say ‘it’s just a godforsaken dinner date’, and it _is_ , but Haruka can’t help but be nervous, anyway.

It’s funny, because the more Haruka thinks back to the times he’s hung out with Sousuke alone, the more he realises some of those hangouts could’ve easily been classified as dates. The fact that it took him so long to realise makes Haruka feel bad, because he still doesn’t know exactly how long Sousuke had ‘unrequited’ feelings for him before Haruka finally noticed, and recognised his own feelings.

Love is a concept Haruka hasn’t really gotten a good grasp of until when he was reunited with Sumire following the earthquake. Before then, there’d been fleeting moments where maybe he’d felt some of it from both Tooru and Sumire, but he knows his relationship with his parents growing up wasn’t close to that of ‘normal’ people and their parents. And obviously, the feelings he’d initially had for Ryuuhei had quickly turned into something completely different, and that one instance forced Haruka into fear of romantic love for years to come.

Is he still scared? Of course he is; it would be strange if he wasn’t. He wonders, though, if things would’ve been different had he gotten involved with someone whom he didn’t have to desperately hide things from. Sure, he’d still have to hide his past, but not as much as he needs to with Sousuke, considering who and what Sousuke is.

Kisumi told him he can always run away and start over, but somehow that doesn’t help much to calm Haruka’s nerves. Deep down, he knows it’s because he _does_ want this to work, he wants to give himself and Sousuke the chance to have something happen between them, give them a chance to be happy. But despite the years that have passed, Haruka is still reluctant.

Maybe he really should’ve listened to Kisumi and at least tried out a few therapy sessions, so he’d be at least a little more at ease now.

Several times during the day, Haruka considers cancelling their date. It had been a piece of cake the other day when he’d had Sousuke over for dinner, but suddenly when _he’s_ going to be the guest, Haruka’s freaked out. In what feels like an umpteenth, desperate, attempt to change his mind, he calls Shizuka. Maybe her so-called brutal honesty can kick his mind into the right gear.

“ _Haruka, babe! How are you?_ ”

“It’s so good to hear your voice,” Haruka sighs. “Missed you. Gonna be honest, could be better. And you?”

“ _I missed you, too! Guessing things have been busy, huh?_ ”

“Oh yeah,” Haruka says, and he laughs. “You have no idea.”

“ _Figured. I’m doing fine, both sad and happy to say business is thriving as usual. You know how it is. I’m sorry things aren’t great for you, but I’m guessing that’s why you’re calling._ ”

For the most part, since Haruka and Shizuka don’t talk every single day, Haruka’s mind is completely disconnected from Sendai and whatever’s going on up there. So whenever he talks to Shizuka again and they talk about her job, he’s reminded of the harsh reality she’s living in, and what he’d managed to escape years ago. And not a single phone call with his friend goes by that Haruka doesn’t wish he could bring Shizuka to Iwatobi to free her from that hell.

“You’d be correct. I… want to run away. I’m freaking out over this guy.”

“ _Normally I’d laugh at that, but that’s only if it’s literally anyone but you. Haru… you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to_.”

“But I do,” he whines. “I do, and I also don’t. It’s so fucking stupid.”

Shizuka sighs. “ _It’s not stupid, it’s… well, what that idiot has made normal for you. Is this new guy being good to you?_ ”

“ _Too_ good,” Haruka replies. “He almost treats me like I’m a piece of fragile material, like glass. It pisses me off sometimes, but I get it. I made him behave that way.”

“ _Don’t say it like that, Haruka. You didn’t put yourself in that situation; Ryuuhei did_.”

Haruka knows damn well he _was_ the one who got himself into that situation to begin with. A horny, desperate, poor Taichi had responded to Ryuuhei’s advancements, foolishly thinking he would be able to get the upper hand—instead, Taichi’s plan had backfired in the worst way possible. Sure, Ryuuhei didn’t have to go that far, but it was still Taichi’s fault for not having been careful and observant enough. Had he noticed early enough, maybe he could’ve escaped much sooner, and unscathed.

“I’m not even gonna argue,” he says with a conceding tone. “You know where I stand on that. It doesn’t matter; I’m ultimately the one with issues who’s preventing things from happening even though I want them to.”

“ _We both know it takes time, and you need to let it take time, too. Don’t rush things. If you’re not ready for dinner tonight with him, tell him that. It’s better that you tell him than go and have a shitty evening. It’s not fair to either of you_.”

Ultimately, Haruka knows it all comes down to his own way of thinking and processing things. Kisumi has helped him immensely these past years, making Haruka go from someone who could barely be touched by others without freaking out, to someone who now is capable of touching and hugging people close to him to some extent. Kisumi tells him it’s something he should acknowledge as an achievement, and Haruka’s trying to think of it as such. It’s the little things, and he knows it.

It’s just dinner with Sousuke, after all. Sousuke knows there are boundaries he can’t cross if he wants things to work out with Haruka, and so far, Haruka hasn’t seen him even getting close to said boundaries. That’s not even where the problem lies, of course; the problem lies within Haruka and his inability to properly trust Sousuke as someone romantically close to him, the second person he’s been close to in his entire life that way. Everything else has just been one-night-stands, and then there was Ryuuhei. Sousuke is the first of his kind to enter Haruka’s life, and that in and of itself is so unknown to Haruka that it’s making him scared.

“I know,” Haruka says. “I think I’m gonna go, after all.”

“ _You sure about this?_ ”

“Yeah. I… I really like him, after all.”

Shizuka huffs, and Haruka swears he can hear her smile. “ _Then go get him, tiger. Good luck, okay?_ ”

“Thanks, Shizu.”

“ _I love you, okay? Now get off the phone, and get prettied up for tonight._ ”

And so Haruka does, or at least, he tries to. He dresses himself somewhere between casually and formally, seeing as it’s ‘just dinner’, but it’s also ‘just dinner’ with Sousuke. He can’t look like he’s just going downtown to get groceries. So Haruka decides on a purple V-neck and a pair of dark-blue jeans. It’s the end of September, and the weather’s gotten cool enough to the point where you won’t look like an idiot wearing jeans in the afternoon.

[ _IMG1042.JPG]_

 _[ok or not ok for dinner with ssk??_ ]

 

Haruka sends a message to both Shizuka and Aki for confirmation before he finalises his decision. He knows that, if Gou is around, Aki will show the image to her, too, and the response he’ll get from ‘Aki’ will be from the both of them.

[ _Aki: approved! yes!!_ ]

[ _Shizu: agreed. i’m so glad you took my advice to actually get prettied up for the evening. you should really consider using makeup again_.]

 

Haruka snorts. [ _a true shame i got rid of it when i moved here. ‘sides, i don’t think i’ve got it in me anymore_.]

[ _Aki: that’s no fuckin’ excuse, and u know it. i’ll teach u to look pretty in makeup, and not like a goddamn goth._ ]

[ _the piercings are GONE, aki._ ]

 

* * *

 

Haruka takes a walk to downtown Iwatobi, and from there, he takes a bus over to Sousuke’s apartment building. The walk really helps to clear his head a bit; having walked around in circles in his house all day really hasn’t been a good way of sorting things out within himself. Fresh air, and being surrounded by people he doesn’t know has been a good combination for a short break before Haruka throws himself back into the fire. It’s not exactly fire _yet_ , but the warmth of it can definitely burn him if Haruka gets too close and if he isn’t careful.

Walking among all of these strangers whose lives Haruka knows nothing about, makes him wonder just _how_ normal people live their lives. If they’re constantly living in fear of something, if they have to constantly think twice before sharing details about themselves to friends they’re supposed to be able to trust. The only one Haruka can really trust to that extent is Kisumi, and maybe it’s for the best that only Kisumi knows that much about Haruka, and vice versa.

When Haruka finally arrives outside Sousuke’s door inside the building, he hesitates a little before pressing the button on the doorbell. He takes a deep breath, reminding himself of his conversation with Shizuka. It’s just dinner, and he can back out at any moment if he wants to. God knows Sousuke will be the last one to stop Haruka should he want to run away again, even though maybe he should be the first.

It doesn’t take long before Haruka hears footsteps on the other side of the door. He breathes slowly to try and calm his racing heartbeat, but doesn’t have much time to do so before the door opens, and Sousuke stands right in front of him.

“Hey,” Sousuke says, and he clears his throat. Haruka bites the inside of his cheek so he won’t smile or laugh; he’s glad he’s apparently not the only one who’s nervous. Maybe he’s been nervous for nothing.

“Hi, Sousuke. Am I too early?”

“No, no—you’re right on time. Come in.”

Sousuke takes a step to the side so Haruka can enter the apartment. It’s strange how this is only the second time he’s at Sousuke’s place, the first time having been just the other week. Maybe that’ll change now that they’re sort of dating, when they’ll be seeing each other more often outside of work whenever Sousuke and Rin come to the café to get their coffee.

They sit down in the living room, from which Haruka smells food cooking in the kitchen. He guesses it’s fish, and is flattered Sousuke would make him something with fish since Sousuke himself isn’t the biggest fan. Haruka hopes that can change with his help, however.

“It smells really good,” he says. Sousuke smiles a little.

“Thanks. Do you want anything to drink, by the way?”

“No, thanks. I’m mostly hungry, really.”

Now, Sousuke laughs. “You and me both. How’s your week been?”

Haruka shrugs. “Same as usual, I guess. Cake orders are starting to grow in numbers, which is both nice and a little hectic.”

“It’s cool, though, that you went from coffee brewing to baking cakes in such a short amount of time.”

“Yeah, it is,” Haruka replies. “While I do enjoy my job, I’m glad for the change; I started getting a little tired of the usual coffee shop stuff.”

“I can get that. Sometimes, I feel the same way about my job, but I know I should be grateful for what I’ve got. I could’ve still been moping about the future I was no longer allowed to pursue, but now I’ve got something else I’m passionate about.”

Haruka sort of gets Sousuke’s sentiment of having to give something up, to end up doing something completely different. While it’s different in Haruka’s case as he was ultimately able to get back into art after several years, at the time of realising he wouldn’t be able to work in the art field for the foreseeable future, he’d been absolutely devastated.

That had led to him being constantly miserable when working at the restaurant, and always longing for something different… and sure, different is what he got in the end. Haruka knows his experience isn’t common; most people when wanting something different end up working in places they might not necessarily be _happy_ , but at least they don’t end up risking their lives every day as a result of it.

Soon enough, dinner is served at Sousuke’s little kitchen table, and the two sit down to eat. It’s grilled salmon with potatoes and vegetables, cooked in a miso sauce. Haruka quickly becomes really fond of the miso sauce in combination with the salmon, so much that he asks Sousuke for the exact recipe. Sousuke laughs and doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal, but Haruka gets the recipe sent to him in a text message, anyway.

“I bet you do more baking than cooking now, huh,” Sousuke says, and Haruka snorts.

“It almost feels like it, yeah. But I… I like it. It’s a nice change.”

Sousuke hums. “Yeah, I can imagine.”

“How was _your_ week?”

“Oh, pretty varied, for once. I had reports I needed to finish at the office on Wednesday, so that was nice. Meanwhile, Rin was out in the squad car practically all day. I bet he barely even _left_ the car,” Sousuke laughs.

Haruka shudders. “Yeah, that rain was nasty. You can really tell summer is ending.”

“Indeed. Winter can be nice… but only when you’re inside looking out the window.”

Now, Haruka laughs. “Hear, hear.”

Following dinner, Haruka insists on helping with doing the dishes, as Sousuke had done the time Haruka had him over at the house. It’s nice, reminds him of when he lived with Kisumi and the two would do many house chores together. Haruka misses living with someone else, sharing a space, having someone to talk to whenever he’s at home. Sure, there are good things that come with living alone, but in the end, Haruka has already gotten fed up with the deafening silence and emptiness of his big house since Kisumi left three months ago.

“Thank you for dinner,” Haruka says, turning to Sousuke. “I really enjoyed it.”

Sousuke grins. “Glad to hear it. Actually, I think I’m starting to like seafood more and more. I think you’re a bad influence.”

“Bad?” Haruka smiles. “Eating fish sure beats eating pork so often. Pork is just… pork, but there’s so many different types of fish.”

“… We’re gonna argue about this every now and then, I feel.”

“Mmm, not if I can get you to love fish first.”

With the dishes done and out of the way, Haruka and Sousuke move to the living room, each with a cup of coffee, to continue their conversation slash joke-bickering on the couch. Most of the time when Haruka’s been visiting people and they’ve sat in the living room, his hosts tend to turn on the TV for background noise. Makoto and Rin are one of the couples who do this, and it drives Haruka up the wall. So it’s nice to know Sousuke _isn’t_ one of those people, that he’s one who believes you either fill the silence yourself with talking, or you don’t.

“I know mine’s probably not as good as the one you make all day every day,” Sousuke says. “But I hope it’ll do.”

Haruka frowns a little. “Well, we _do_ make coffee all day every day, like you said. It’s not fair to compare my coffee to yours. That said, I really like this. Just the way I like it.”

“Then I’m glad. Sorry, didn’t mean for it to come out that way. It’s just… people have standards. You’re not only a guest in my home, you’re…” Sousuke interrupts himself by clearing his throat. “You’re important to me. So one of the things I want to make sure is that I don’t serve you piss quality coffee.”

“I don’t doubt for a second that you can make good coffee; at least you order the right kind when you come into the shop,” Haruka responds. “Unlike _someone_ we know.”

Sousuke shudders. “ _God_ , I know. It shouldn’t be allowed to be called coffee at that point. Makoto should be grateful you like him too much to ban him.”

To be fair, Haruka has served people way worse drinks that were originally coffee, but that the person customised to the point where it barely had any coffee left in it by the time Haruka was done. Makoto still has at least forty percent coffee in his mug, but Haruka hopes that percentage will go up in time. Will Makoto ever take his coffee black without milk or sugar? Probably not, but it can still get better than the stuff he comes in to buy every morning.

At the end of the night, Haruka’s glad he didn’t bail on Sousuke and cancel their dinner. Every time he spends time with Sousuke, they get closer and get to know each other better. Slowly but surely, Haruka’s learning how to be comfortable around Sousuke while still keeping _some_ things to himself. Of course, Sousuke’s probably the same way, and Haruka thinks it’s okay to not put _all_ cards on the table. Even if you’re in a relationship, you should be allowed to have some sort of privacy and freedom.

“Thanks for dinner,” Haruka says. “I’m looking forward to next time.”

Sousuke smiles. “Me too.”

It’s a little embarrassing, and also frustrating, when Haruka has to stand on his toes to reach up to Sousuke for a goodnight kiss. Sousuke thankfully leans down a little, making it easier, but Haruka can also feel him smiling against Haruka’s lips, and he wonders if it’s out of amusement or something else.

He finds himself not quite wanting to let go. It’s happened before, and he guesses that maybe it’s a good thing, because he’s wanted to do the exact opposite before with a certain someone, and back then, he didn’t have much of a choice.

Feeling brave, Haruka decides to deepen the kiss, and he earns a quiet, surprised reaction from Sousuke that makes him smile, and his heart beat faster. Slowly, he’s being backed against a wall, and while it would normally scare him, it excites him more than anything else. With Sousuke, he’s okay if things are this way.

Kisumi had offered him to be on top whenever they had sex before so Haruka could feel like he was in control over _something_ , and that he had somewhat of a choice. Now that he’s already experienced that in many other ways with Sousuke, being backed up against a wall in Sousuke’s hallway to make out doesn’t freak him out.

Haruka slides his hands in under Sousuke’s shirt, and while he probably shouldn’t be surprised, he finds himself being pleasantly surprised by the lean muscle his fingers slide over underneath the fabric. Of course, because Sousuke _has_ to be basically made of muscle in his line of work. Haruka’s glad he still has a relatively fast metabolism, because with what he does for a living, things could easily go downhill fast if he doesn’t control himself well enough. Gladly, despite his sweet tooth, Haruka normally doesn’t have the kind of craving at work that he used to before he came to Iwatobi.

When he feels Sousuke’s fingers softly tangle in his hair, Haruka lets out a gasp, and tips his head back, dangerously close to bumping into the wall behind him. Sousuke moves down to kiss the exposed skin on Haruka’s neck, and that only helps to make Haruka even more turned on. But this isn’t how he wants it to go, this isn’t the right time.

So he turns his head back up to meet Sousuke again, slowing down the tempo, and finishing with a soft kiss he hopes Sousuke senses an apology in.

“Sorry,” he says. “I’d really want to, but…”

How does he put it into words? He feels selfish, but also knows that literally everyone around him would tell him to do as his heart and mind tells him to. He knows he _has_ to do it, not only for himself, but for both him and Sousuke. It wouldn’t be fair to Sousuke for Haruka to push himself

“It’s okay,” Sousuke replies. “We said we’d take it slow, so let’s take it slow.”

“You sure?”

Sousuke smiles. “Yeah. I don’t think this is how we should do it, either.”

Instead of feeling bad, Haruka’s relieved at Sousuke’s words. He stands on his toes to give Sousuke a soft kiss, and that’s where he decides to end the evening. It’s probably for the best, anyway. Thankfully, things don’t end on a sad or sour note this time, which Haruka sees as a small success, a step forward. They’re still moving forward, and that’s the most important thing.


	17. make a move

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sumire and Hiro come to Iwatobi for a visit, and Haruka finally, _finally_ , makes a decision.

**OCTOBER**.

 

Desperation properly starts kicking in come the first week of October, and Haruka forces himself to lower his standards when it comes to his constantly postponed apartment hunting. The places he’s found around Tottori aren’t _bad_ , he’s just gotten used to the ridiculously nice house he lives in that has everything he wants and needs. So now whenever he’s looking for apartments in the area, he finds himself checking a mental list of things he ‘needs’ when he moves into a new house. Really what it comes down to is that Haruka just doesn’t want to move, but he has to.

It isn’t that he’s ungrateful to Sumire for peppering him with messages and phone calls offering to help cover his expenses, it’s actually the opposite. Haruka’s _too_ grateful, and would feel like a burden should he accept her help. For the most part of his life, Sumire hasn’t been an example mother, but she’s really made up for it in the past year. Maybe all it took was maturing for the both of them to get to where they are now, and being apart to the point where they’d realise how much they both need each other, and how much they mean to the other person.

Haruka wonders just how different things would have been if Tooru were still alive. Obviously, Sumire would still be with him since Sumire loved him even after his death, but what about Taichi? His relationship with Tooru had been worse than the one he had with Sumire, so maybe it would still only be a matter of time until Taichi moved out on his own to get away from it. Haruka also finds it very unlikely he would eventually end up in Iwatobi if that was the scenario.

“This isn’t a bad place, is it?” Kisumi asks, unnecessarily moving his hand around above his head. “There’s a few of these apartments still out on the market, if you’re interested.”

Haruka laughs a little, shaking his head. “Why am I not surprised you know this?”

“Because it’s me we’re talking about. Okay, on a serious note… I’ve been thinking, and even though I know you’re gonna say no, I’m gonna say it anyway. I can always move back into the house, Haru. We managed really well when living together.”

Kisumi was right that Haruka would resist, because that’s the first thing he does as soon as Kisumi stops speaking. He even stands up from the couch because of his strong reaction. Of course, not because living with Kisumi is bad or anything, but because they’re not _supposed_ to live together. Haruka wants Kisumi to keep enjoying his freedom until he himself explicitly says he’s okay with settling down. And even then, Haruka isn’t going to move in with him.

“No,” Haruka says. “I don’t want you to sacrifice the things and principles that makes you _you_ for me, just so that I can keep living in that house.”

“But I like your house, too. I know I didn’t in the beginning, but I really grew to love it.”

Haruka lowers his eyebrows slightly, and he looks away. “It wouldn’t be a good idea, Kis, and you know that.”

There’s a brief moment of silence where Kisumi doesn’t say anything, and Haruka interprets it as Kisumi not _knowing_ how to respond. He knows he’s right, and he isn’t being arrogant in thinking so. Haruka is in a relationship, and he wants it to keep growing into something bigger despite his inability to show that most of the time. Him moving back in with Kisumi would not only hinder Haruka’s progress with Sousuke, but it would probably also make him and Kisumi fall back into bad habits of always relying on each other too much in more ways than one.

Kisumi sighs, and the couch cushions make a soft noise as he leans back on them. “I know,” he says, finally. “But it’d be a damn shame to have to leave that house. It’s _your_ house. I can’t see anyone else moving in there, washing away the memories we all made there, ever since you and I came here from Sendai.”

To others, it’s just a house. A house you live in, where you sleep, shower, and eat. To Haruka and Kisumi, it’s the first real sign they ever had of _freedom_ , of possibilities, and of a second chance at life. Haruka can’t imagine leaving it behind, either, even if it in theory _is_ just a house. To him, it’s a lot more than that, and that’s just one of the many reasons why he’s been procrastinating so long to move away from it.

He has considered, briefly, to maybe ask Sousuke to move in with him. Sousuke hates his apartment and the building he lives in, and he’s said on more than one occasion that he really likes Haruka’s house. Haruka likes his house, too, of course, but he doesn’t want to ask Sousuke to move into his house just because it would make it more convenient for himself. No matter how much Sousuke may like Haruka’s house, whether or not he’d enjoy _living_ there, with Haruka, is a completely different matter.

Moving in with Sousuke would be a really big step for them, though, and Haruka doesn’t know if he’d be ready for it. He feels like he is, because they would just be moving in together. The house is big enough that they don’t even have to sleep in the same room, which is honestly the bigger issue. Just living together could be fine; they work during the day and would only really see each other during the evenings and weekends.

He wonders, though, if Sousuke would think Haruka’s asking him to move in just so Haruka can keep the house. Upon further thinking, that’s exactly what it looks like to even Haruka himself. He wants to be with Sousuke, and moving in together would be a natural progression of their relationship. But is it too soon? He feels like they’ve been at this for ages now, but at the same time, his issues have made them take a step back or two several times over the course of the past few months.

“ _I don’t know him, obviously, but I’d probably interpret it that way if you asked me. No offence_.”

Haruka sighs, massaging the bridge of his nose with a thumb and index finger. “None taken; I was thinking along the same lines, obviously. So I shouldn’t ask him?”

“ _At all?_ ” Shizuka asks. “ _If you wanna live with him, I don’t see why not. But maybe you should ask him under better circumstances._ ”

“I don’t know when that’d be, but you’re right. Anyway, enough about me—how are things with you? How are the girls?”

Haruka had thought it would be a lot more difficult to stay in touch with both Sumire and Shizuka once he came back home from Sendai, but it’s been surprisingly easy, and they always have a lot to talk about. Every once in a while, Haruka thinks back to the time right after the earthquake when he hadn’t known a thing about the whereabouts of the few loved ones he still had left in his life. Years later, they’re still there, although hours away, but they’ve also never been closer.

Shizuka tells Haruka about how many of her girls have started moving away from Sendai and getting out of the sex work industry. Minako, one of Shizuka’s oldest, left Sendai a few months ago to finally pursue higher education and ‘make something of herself’. It seems most of the others did similar things when leaving, now that they have a little more financial stability. Shizuka always takes care of her girls, and you could tell, because even if sex work wasn’t the most ideal profession, neither of the girls Haruka hung out with were really _unhappy_ with their situation. It was just an in-between-thing before they’d move onto other things, like studying, or just a career change.

Sendai seems to be moving on, slowly, rising from the rubble left behind by an earthquake that would save many, but also do the opposite for others. Sumire found love again, Taichi found a new life as Haruka, Kisumi was finally able to break the vicious running-away-cycle, Ryuuhei was buried six feet under, and maybe now, change is coming to the red-line district? Haruka wonders when said change will affect Shizuka, when she’ll finally be able to leave it all behind. She was the first one in, and she’s always said she’ll be the last out. As hard as it is for Haruka to live with that knowledge, he also knows that’s the only way for things to go as smoothly as they possibly can.

 

* * *

 

It comes as a complete surprise, but Haruka thinks it’s a good surprise. Sumire contacts him and says she and Hiro are coming over to visit for a weekend. It’ll be the first time Hiro comes to visit, and the first time Haruka will be able to properly get to know his mother’s fiancé. Last time they met, which was also the first time, the focus had been on Sumire and Haruka reuniting after the earthquake, at which point Haruka only briefly got to talk to, and be acquainted with, Hiro.

Haruka wants Sumire to meet Sousuke as his boyfriend, but he doesn’t know how to ask Sousuke, or if Sousuke even _wants_ to. Nevertheless, he knows he has to ask or it’ll just be weird of him to not want to see Sousuke for an entire weekend because he’ll be spending it with his mother and Hiro instead, without Sousuke in the picture. They’re dating now, and while Sousuke and Sumire _have_ met before, it wasn’t an official meeting, and back then, Haruka and Sousuke were far from dating.

Haruka ends up overthinking it, wondering how things would go, wondering how Sumire would react now that Haruka has a boyfriend, which he didn’t at the time of coming out to her. She knows of his history with Ryuuhei and how it all had ended, so Haruka wouldn’t be surprised if she has doubts about Sousuke. No matter what Haruka thinks of Sousuke, his own mother will have her own opinions, worries, and thoughts.

“Sousuke,” Haruka begins, fidgeting with his fingers. It’s really dumb to be this nervous, but he can’t help it. “I need to ask you something.”

Sousuke comes to sit down on the couch next to Haruka, and he drapes an arm across Haruka’s shoulders. “What’s up?”

“My mother’s coming into town for a visit with her fiancé. And I thought… maybe she should meet you. Officially, I mean.”

Well, at least he _tried_ to get straight to the point. He’s never had to do this before, obviously, as Sumire never knew of Ryuuhei until long after their relationship had ended. Haruka’s annoyed knowing that things wouldn’t be this difficult had he been heterosexual and in love with a woman instead; he would’ve just been able to introduce his girlfriend to his mother without an explanation behind it, besides the story of how they met.

Sousuke raises his eyebrows slightly, and he leans back against the back of the couch. “Sure, that’d be nice. I don’t know if I made a good impression on her the first time we met, so this could be a chance to redeem myself.”

Haruka smiles. He feels dumb for having been so nervous when it really was this easy to talk about the whole thing. “You don’t need to redeem yourself, Sousuke. She liked you then, and I know she’ll like you now, too.”

“I hope so.”

“Am I detecting a bit of nervousness?” Haruka asks teasingly, leaning against Sousuke. Sousuke laughs a little.

“… I’d lie if I said I wasn’t nervous, sure. But I still wanna meet your mum and her fiancé. It feels like I _should_ , too.”

Recently, Haruka’s been thinking more and more about how he doesn’t know anything about Sousuke’s family. He wonders if there’s a reason behind Sousuke never even mentioning his family, and if it’s that bad to bring it up himself. He’s always known that he doesn’t gain anything unless he takes a risk.

“Hey,” he says. “What about your family?”

Sousuke shifts his position a little. “What do you mean?”

“You’ve never mentioned any family. I mean, I’ve also never asked, but I didn’t know if it was a sensitive subject.” Haruka hesitates a little. “Is it?”

Something Haruka really misses about being in a serious relationship is the ability to be open about things. He was never able to be like that with Ryuuhei for obvious reasons, and he still can’t talk about everything he wants to with Sousuke, either, for very _different_ reasons. Thanks to everything that’s happened in the past few years, Haruka doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to be open and honest with anyone he’s in a relationship with. He’s thankful he at least has the luxury to talk about things with Aki and Kisumi without having to think twice, but he’d like that kind of thing with Sousuke, too.

Sousuke takes a few seconds to respond, and Haruka thinks that maybe he’s just trying to figure out _how_ to talk about it, and that it isn’t a matter of him wondering if he should or not.

“I guess it used to be, but not so much these days. I don’t really talk to my parents.”

“Can I ask why?”

Sousuke then shrugs, but it’s clear to Haruka that it isn’t just ‘nothing’. “They weren’t fond of my ‘way of living’. I said I wasn’t gonna change, and that was basically it. Been a few years since then, and I guess I’m glad I waited until I’d moved out of their house to tell them, or I’d probably ended up thrown out on the street.”

Haruka wants to say he understands the feeling, but he’d only _thought_ Sumire wouldn’t accept him for who he is. Things were very different in the past, and before he’d met Sumire following the earthquake, he’d had absolutely no idea how she would react to it. Now that he knows her better, knows her ‘new’ self, Haruka wonders why he ever doubted his mother in the first place.

“I’m sorry,” Haruka says, mostly because he thinks it’s probably the only fitting thing he can say, and because he genuinely _is_ sorry. Not only would he have wanted for Sousuke to still be in touch with his family and have an at least somewhat good relationship with them, but Haruka would’ve wanted to meet them, too.

He can’t imagine what it would have been like if he had been in Sousuke’s shoes, if Sumire had disowned him and said she never wanted anything to do with him again following him coming out. Having Sumire in his life has been so incredibly nice, even more so now that she can be of better moral support since she knows why he moved to Iwatobi in the first place. He’s glad he has Aki and Kisumi, but sometimes it’s just really nice to know Haruka can rely on Sumire, too.

“Don’t be. It’s better this way, anyway. I mean, they’d probably be harassing me constantly now if they knew I’m dating a man, which I wasn’t at the time when I’d come out. It’d just cement things, make it worse.”

Haruka exhales slowly, and takes Sousuke’s hand in his, giving it a light squeeze. “As long as you’ve come to terms with it, then I won’t push any further.”

“Thanks, Haru.”

 

* * *

 

“Sousuke. Stop standing around in the middle of the pavement; you’re making people bump into you.”

Sousuke clears his throat, and Haruka hears his footsteps once again. He smiles to himself, walking a little further ahead. “Sorry.”

“Left your brain at my house?”

“Must’ve.”

Haruka slows down a little so that he can walk side by side with Sousuke. He lets his fingers grace Sousuke’s. “You’ll be fine. She won’t bite.”

“I’d hope so, that’d just make things even more weird.”

Haruka lightly smacks Sousuke on the arm. “Come on. Their train arrives in ten minutes, we can get something from the corner shop before then if you don’t stop and stare again.”

They walk into the little coffee shop right outside the station. They could’ve always brought their own coffee, but Haruka always thinks there’s just something about buying coffee that he takes with him in a stupid paper mug. Somehow, it makes it taste better that way. Sousuke thinks it’s a waste of money and was the one who would’ve preferred it if they just had coffee at home before they left, but of course, Haruka managed to convince him.

“Are you happy now that you got your expensive coffee?”

Haruka snorts. “Stop calling it that. It’s just coffee.”

“When you put it that way, we could’ve just brought coffee with us.”

“Jesus, Sousuke. I promise I’ll eat nothing but natto and rice for the rest of the month, okay?”

Sousuke laughs at that, and from the side, Haruka sees him shake his head. He’s noticed they tend to jokingly bicker a lot, which Haruka doesn’t mind, and Sousuke seems to be the same way. It’s nice to be able to relax and not take everything so seriously all the time, even with a boyfriend.

Haruka and Sousuke sit down on the chairs inside the station, waiting for Sumire and Hiro to come down the stairs from the platform any minute. Outsiders can easily see who’s going to see his parent, and who’s going to meet the other’s parent, because Sousuke really couldn’t make it more obvious unless he were to say, or shout, it out loud.

“I told you already, you don’t have anything to worry about. And they’re only staying a few days.”

Sousuke sighs, and the jiggling of his leg finally stops. Haruka thinks it’s cute, but he also doesn’t want Sousuke to freak out over nothing, because it could just make it worse for himself. “I know that, I guess I’m just overthinking. Meeting the parents is a big deal. And I know I’ve already met her once, but not like _this_. It’s different, that’s why.”

“Maybe it is,” Haruka concedes, “but she’s only gonna like you more now. Hell, I don’t even know if Hiro likes me, but I don’t care.”

“Yeah, because he’s not your dad,” Sousuke snorts. Haruka briefly thinks of Tooru, and wonders if Hiro really is better for Sumire than Tooru was. “You can always blow him off since he’s not directly related to you. For me, it’s practically the same thing as if he _was_ your dad.”

“Well, not yet. Just… don’t worry about it. You’ll be fine.”

He doesn’t want to admit it, but Haruka may have unconsciously been a bit nonchalant towards Hiro until now. He’s getting married to Sumire, but he’ll never replace Tooru in Haruka’s life, no matter how imperfect Haruka’s relationship with his father was. Sumire has already made it clear to Haruka that Hiro won’t _replace_ Tooru, so there’s at least that to be relieved about.

Haruka realises he kind of agrees with Sousuke’s sentiment that Hiro is just some guy who’s getting married to Haruka’s mother, who has no other relationship with him at all. If he treats Hiro that way, at least being civil and normally nice, they’ll be fine. No matter what kind of a person Tooru was, no one will be able to replace him in Haruka’s life.

“Haruka, Sousuke!”

At the sound of Sumire calling out, both men turn to see Hiro and Sumire coming down, finally, and Haruka gets up to go greet them, Sousuke following closely behind. It hasn’t been _that_ long since Haruka saw his mother, but they hug like it’s been ages. Haruka keeps thinking that he’s just grateful Sumire’s in his life, that they’re still in touch and that their relationship is better than ever. He never, ever, wants to be in a similar situation to the one he was in when he and Aki went to Sendai to look for Sumire, thinking something awful may have happened to her.

In the very last second, Haruka decides to give Hiro the benefit of the doubt and hug him, too. Meanwhile, Sumire goes to give Sousuke a bone-crushing hug as well, which makes Haruka smile.

“It’s so nice to see you again,” Sumire says to Sousuke. “It’s like a second new meeting.”

“Likewise,” Sousuke says, and Haruka immediately recognises the stoic person he always is around new people, and he has to bite his lip as to not laugh at how stupidly adorable it is. “How was your trip?”

“Oh, it went very well. I think we both slept during the entire flight to Tokyo.”

Hiro laughs as he goes to shake Sousuke’s hand. “We did. It was very much needed, I feel.”

With introductions and second meetings out of the way, they head downtown for lunch. As Haruka knew he should have expected, Sumire and Hiro offer to pay for lunch, and neither he nor Sousuke are good enough at telling them not to. It’s never about the price, it’s more about the principle of the whole thing, about Sumire and Hiro paying when they’re guests.

It’s nice to see Sousuke warming up to Hiro and Sumire quickly, how he so easily abandons his stoic self in favour of his ‘real’ self, the Sousuke that Haruka fell in love with. He might not be the most talkative person, but he’s kind, and he’s funny. As Haruka expected, Sumire’s taken a great liking to Sousuke, as seems to be the case with Hiro. And, of course, as Haruka told Sousuke before many times, Sousuke really had nothing to worry about.

But Haruka keeps thinking about Sousuke’s family, and the reason why Sousuke never talks about them. He doesn’t know exactly how long it’s been since Sousuke and his parents went their separate ways, but he wonders if maybe things and feelings have changed since then. Haruka knows better than to try and persuade Sousuke to think about reaching out, but knowing himself and his own experience of almost having lost his mother, he wouldn’t want to see it happen to Sousuke, albeit in a different way.

At the end of the day, the four part ways after having spent some time of the evening—despite the colder temperatures—walking along a beach Sumire’s seemingly fallen in love with. They’ve walked around town a lot, so they’re all very tired both in mind and in their feet. They’ll spend the evening together the next day as well for dinner, and then Sumire and Hiro leave out on Sunday. Haruka’s gotten a better impression of Hiro—it’s obvious the poor man is very self-conscious about how his fiancée’s son is perceiving him, so Haruka’s decided Hiro deserves a break. He’s a good man with seemingly good intentions, so there’s no reason to be _that_ wary of him.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

Sousuke laughs quietly, taking Haruka’s hand in his. “Yeah, yeah—you were right. I’m glad I met them both.”

“Me too,” Haruka says, and he smiles. With a little hesitance, he clears his throat. “Spend the night at my place?”

His first meeting with Ryuuhei comes to mind, but Haruka tries not to pay any mind to it. It was different then, not just because he’d been invited over to Ryuuhei’s place, but also because he _knows_ Sousuke now. He’s older, hopefully a lot wiser, and Sousuke is nowhere near the kind of person Ryuuhei was. It’ll be fine, he tells himself.

“Sure.”

It’s gotten dark by the time they reach Haruka’s house up on the hill. The town of Iwatobi is far from asleep, however, and from the front of Haruka’s house, they can still see lights from cars and streetlights off in the distance, looking like colourful stars. It really is a beautiful town Haruka’s grateful he and Kisumi decided to move to, and he wonders if he’ll ever get tired of it and what Iwatobi has to offer.

He’d lie if he said he wasn’t a little nervous, but Haruka tries to act like he isn’t. Sousuke is back to his usual self, now talking a lot and not seeming nervous at all like Haruka is. Sousuke’s probably had a rough day considering he had to meet Sumire again but this time as Haruka’s boyfriend, and then he also had to meet Haruka’s future stepfather. Now, though, Sousuke seems like he’s finally able to calm down and be himself when it’s just him and Haruka.

They get ready for bed in relative silence. Haruka doesn’t know what to say, and he wonders if maybe Sousuke’s of the same opinion. Usually they’re able to talk a lot without any sort of hindrance, but that’s probably because they’ve never been in this situation before. Haruka wonders just how Sousuke manages to be so patient with him, even though he knows why Haruka’s taking things extremely slow.

Haruka, however, is tired of taking things slow. It’s about goddamn time shit started happening.

When Sousuke lies down in bed next to him, Haruka crawls over to lie on top of Sousuke. It visibly strikes Sousuke with an excited kind of surprise, but he stays put, waits for Haruka to make the next move. Haruka leans down for a kiss, and Sousuke responds by reaching up to softly rake his fingers through Haruka’s hair. They haven’t kissed that many times, but every time they have, Haruka’s been reminded of how good of a kisser Sousuke is. And he also makes a mental note to make sure they _do_ kiss more often, because he really can’t afford to miss out on it.

All traces of hesitation and fear has completely gone out the window; it isn’t even something Haruka is thinking about even when he lets Sousuke get on top of him and gain some control of the situation. It takes very little to make Haruka almost completely give into his desires and to Sousuke, so little that it should normally scare him. But right now, all Haruka can think about is how badly he wants Sousuke, in any way Haruka can have him. While Haruka doesn’t regret taking things painfully slow with Sousuke, he also wonders how the hell both of them managed to stay patient for as long as they did.

Despite everything, Haruka does appreciate how Sousuke wordlessly asks him if it’s okay, if he’s ready, if they should slow down. It’s not excessive or annoying, it’s just Sousuke being considerate despite how long they’ve waited for this. It’s obvious how long they _have_ waited, because soon enough, both of them sort of let go of all inhibitions, and just give into each other. Haruka loves the feeling of Sousuke inside of him, and almost becomes greedy. Despite how much he already has—and there is a _lot_ of Sousuke, in more ways than one—Haruka wants more, more, _more_.

So maybe Haruka would’ve wanted his first time with Sousuke to be a little different, but really, he can’t complain. Nor would he want to change anything, because this might even be better than what he would’ve originally wanted. It isn’t gentle by any means, but it still isn’t anywhere near what Taichi experienced with Ryuuhei. It’s not love-making, it’s definitely sex—but it’s consensual all the way, and they both get to take control. Amidst the heat of the situation and being fucked so roughly Haruka knows he won’t be able to walk properly tomorrow—he finds it all incredibly exhilarating.

After Sousuke’s come, Haruka rolls off him onto the mattress again with a deep, exhausted sigh. Next to him, Sousuke lies on his back, his chest rising and sinking as he catches his breath. Haruka smiles, but then slowly gets off the bed to go clean himself up. A hand stretches out to grab his wrist, pulling him down again, and Haruka’s lips meet Sousuke’s.

“Why’re you in a hurry?” Sousuke murmurs against his lips. Haruka snorts.

“Because I’ve got your load up in my ass, still. I feel gross.”

“Right, sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Haruka says, and he smiles again. “You’re free to join me if you want to.”

In the end, Haruka has to drag Sousuke out of bed. When he tries to make his way towards the bathroom, Haruka already feels sore in his abdomen and thigh muscles, and dreads the morning after. It’s not bad now, but it will be, and he wonders how the hell he’ll be able to hide it from Hiro and Sumire the following day.

It hit him when he’d first had sex with Kisumi, but it comes to Haruka’s mind once again how so very differently one can perceive pain. For the longest time, Haruka, or Taichi, associated pain with the kind Ryuuhei inflicted on him. To him, that’s all pain could ever mean, and the concept of ‘good’ pain existing wasn’t even on his mind. But now, once upon a time with Kisumi and now with Sousuke, Haruka gets to experience a different kind of pain that hasn’t been inflicted on him with malice.

 

* * *

 

Despite the sore muscles Haruka still suffers from thanks to his night with Sousuke, lunch with Hiro and Sumire goes over well. They take a last walk through downtown Iwatobi before Haruka and Sousuke follow their guests to the train station to say goodbye. Every time is as difficult as the last, Haruka finds, but they still hold onto the promise of staying in touch regularly. Sousuke’s now on familiar terms with both Sumire and Hiro, and Haruka thinks it’s nice to see. Something new, for sure, and something he wishes will continue to develop.

Haruka thinks about how things are progressing between him and Sousuke. He’s _happy_ , and it’s probably the first time now that he realises it, whether it be subconsciously or not. He’s come a long way since Sendai, since Ryuuhei, and he’d almost say, at this point, that he’s managed to achieve a normal, peaceful life. For the most part, of course. But even these days, Haruka barely even has to think about how he needs to keep his past a secret, and how he needs to keep his story straight.

He’s truly _become_ Haruka now, as strange as it sounds even to himself. Taichi was given the very barebones of a story by Kisumi, and he gave it some details to make it his own. Now, it really _has_ become his own; Haruka doesn’t even remember what he was like when his name was still Taichi. All he remembers are the things that made him come to Iwatobi in the first place, but most everything else is a blur. Haruka doesn’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing.

Evening comes around, and Haruka spends it sitting on his back porch with Sousuke. It’s become more and more common for Sousuke to be around, almost more so than the opposite. Haruka enjoys it, though. There are people he likes hanging out with, but in smaller doses. There aren’t many people he’d be able to hang out with like this, like he can with Sousuke, because many people he knows are almost a little too _loud_ and too much for that.

But with Sousuke, Haruka can just be. He can sit there and listen to the cicadas, watch the sunset and scratch a stray cat behind its ears, and they don’t have to put effort into making sure their time together is enjoyable. It’s already enjoyable as is, and it’s something Haruka knows doesn’t just come out of nowhere. They’ve worked hard to get this far, and it definitely isn’t something they should take for granted.

“Sousuke?”

“Hm?”

Haruka doesn’t feel as nervous now, as he did when he asked Sousuke about meeting Sumire as Haruka’s boyfriend. He’s a little nervous, sure, but for the most part, he doesn’t feel anything but hopeful.

“Move in with me.”

Sousuke turns to face Haruka, and he does so with surprise changing his facial expression, making him look stupidly cute. “Really?”

“Yes, really,” Haruka laughs. “I was thinking… we both like this house. And you might think I’m asking you for selfish reasons… and sure, in a way, I am.”

“You’re wondering if I think you’re only asking me to move in so that you can keep the house, huh.”

Haruka hates that, the more they get to know each other, the more transparent he becomes. Sousuke isn’t dumb, for sure, but there was a time not that long ago when Sousuke definitely wouldn’t have been able to read Haruka this easily.

Raising his eyebrows slightly, Haruka looks away for a moment. “I’m not even surprised you knew that.”

“To be honest, I don’t care,” Sousuke says, and he shrugs. “I want to be with you, and that’s _me_ being selfish. This just gives me a better opportunity to _be_ that. I would’ve asked you to move in with me, too, but definitely not into my shitty place.”

Laughing, Haruka shakes his head. “I have a feeling I wouldn’t get to live there for very long before you’ve had enough. If you haven’t already, that is. So you’ll do it?”

“Yes, Haru, I already said I will.” Sousuke moves in closer, drapes an arm over Haruka’s shoulders. He kisses Haruka on the side of the head, and lingers there. “I’m surprised you’re willing to sleep with me in the same bed every night.”

“Who said we were going to?” Haruka counters nonchalantly, and Sousuke snorts.


	18. piece of cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto's birthday comes with a ridiculous cake. Sousuke takes on the role as the father Haruka's been missing for seven years... sort of.

**NOVEMBER**.

 

It doesn’t matter how long it’s been, big changes still scare Haruka, and they make him doubt various things in his life. It’s not even that he distrusts people around him, as always, it’s a problem within himself. He asks himself, now that he and Sousuke are moving in together, if this is really such a good idea. It doesn’t matter _how_ long he’s lived in Iwatobi, he’ll always have to stick to the rules Kisumi set before they even moved into town. Now that Haruka’s taking his and Sousuke’s relationship yet another step further, that only increases the possibilities and risks of things going south.

For the most part, though, Haruka feels certain he can keep his mask on even in front of Sousuke. If he’s managed so far, why not? Haruka’s observant, and always has been. It was something he was born with, but he only really got a chance to sharpen his intuition and people-reading skills because of Ryuuhei. In a way, moving in with Sousuke might just be yet another challenge for Haruka to see just how he’ll handle the situation and how things will go between them in that new environment.

“You gotta admit that’s a pretty fucked up way of thinking about it.”

Haruka shrugs, exhaling smoke through his nostrils. “Maybe. Are you saying I _shouldn’t_ move in with him, then?”

“That’s _not_ what I’m saying,” Aki retorts. “I’m just saying that you should still see it from a positive perspective yet keep a cautious mind. You know?”

“Teach me your ways, oh great Aki.”

She lightly punches him in the arm. “Shut up. Seriously though; you want this, and so does he. Just… let shit happen but also keep Sendai in mind. As we always have to do. You really don’t have to change much otherwise.”

“Our situations are a little different, though,” Haruka argues stubbornly. “Gou knows practically everything about you. Sousuke knows jack shit about Taichi. He knows a bit about my past relationship with Ryuuhei, but that’s it.”

“You’re right, but I still have to keep stuff away from others, you know. Like how it is for you with me and Kisumi, and you hide your past from everyone else. Not that different.”

Aki is right, it really isn’t that much different. They handle things differently, and while their experiences are similar, they’re still not exactly the same. That still doesn’t mean Haruka can’t try and have a similar approach to that of Aki, or at least the one she offers him. He just wishes he’d be able to come to these conclusions himself, without having to rely on Shizuka, Sumire, Kisumi, and Aki all the time. Even so, it’s a lot easier said than done to try and get into a particular mindset, but that doesn’t mean he won’t try.

Last week when Haruka had been over to Sousuke’s apartment, Sousuke had already started putting things in boxes. His contract runs out at the end of the year, but Sousuke says he really doesn’t mind paying rent until then since it isn’t that expensive to begin with, and he’s just that desperate to get out.

Even though Haruka hasn’t been there _too_ many times, he gets the feeling. It’s a cramped space, the walls are so thin they can hear neighbours from all directions, and they can even hear people out in the streets at night despite the windows being closed. Haruka doesn’t say it to Sousuke directly, but he’s often thought to himself that you really do get what you pay for. Seeing Sousuke’s apartment made Haruka a lot more picky when he himself was apartment-hunting for a short time. Haruka really wanted to make sure he wouldn’t just go for an apartment because it’s cheap, because then he could end up in a situation similar to Sousuke’s.

Luckily, he managed to find a way to make both himself _and_ Sousuke happy, mostly by being selfish. Strange how that worked out.

On the seventeenth, Makoto turns twenty-seven, and despite the less generous size of their apartment, he and Rin manage to host all of their friends comfortably. It’s made easier as people aren’t staying in one huge group, and are instead scattered about in the kitchen or living room. Occasions like these are rare, which Haruka thinks is a shame, but that gives him all the more reason to treasure the moments he gets to spend with all of his friends all together in one spot.

It’s been a year and a half since they moved to Iwatobi, but it feels like it’s been a lot longer than that. Haruka feels like they’ve been through a lot ever since that day they decided to move to Iwatobi together, and he knows he isn’t wrong. Many things have happened since then, and both he and Kisumi have changed drastically since March last year. Not only that, but their lives in general have changed a lot. It might be because it’s only been a year and a half, but Haruka still finds himself sometimes comparing his life as it is now to what it used to be during his last few years in Sendai. It’s a good reminder that things _can_ get better, no matter how dark and miserable things may look.

As has seemingly become tradition only as of Sousuke’s birthday, Haruka baked Makoto’s cake. It’s a three-tiered dark-, milk- and white chocolate cake, one kind of chocolate for each tier. Haruka and his friends barely had to do any brainstorming for this one, since Makoto is a sucker for chocolate, and the idea just kind of presented itself at the thought of a cake for Makoto.

Not that he wants to really compare them, but Haruka thinks he _might_ have made Makoto’s cake slightly more elaborate than Sousuke’s. He’s never made modelling chocolate roses before now, but after having made what feels like a hundred of them, Haruka considers himself, with pride, an expert on making modelling chocolate roses.

Before they’d arrived, Haruka had told Rin to keep Makoto out of the kitchen. He’s stored his three cake tiers in their fridge, as well as the roses, buttercreams, and the ganaches. He didn’t want to risk bringing the cake over all stacked and decorated in case it’d melt or collapse, seeing as he and Sousuke took the bus, so he’d had everything brought over before Makoto got home from work that afternoon.

While everyone’s out in the living room talking and hanging out, Haruka quietly slips into the kitchen to finish the birthday cake. He stirs the ganaches to make sure they’re still runny and not too cold as they’re poured onto the tiers, and then whips the buttercreams quickly to loosen them up a bit after having been in the fridge. Then, the decorating begins. It’s really not that much to do, especially after he’s already made all of the roses, so all Haruka does is pour ganache over the layers, marbling them using three different kinds and colours of ganache on each layer, and then finishing off by placing the roses by the edges of each tier.

Taking a step back to properly see what he’s created is always a little nerve-racking. What if his idea _doesn’t_ turn out the way he wants it to? There’s always that tiny little risk, and even though Haruka knows Makoto will say he loves it regardless, he can’t help but be a bit nervous. Still, as he does take a better look at his chocolate-frenzy of a cake, he can’t help but smile a little. Practice makes perfect, as they say, and while this isn’t perfect just yet, Haruka feels confident he’ll get there someday if this keeps up.

Haruka can really tell he needs to start working out, because trying to carry the cake out into the living room while it’s stacked is no easy feat. It’s not a long distance to cover, which he’s thankful for, but it’s still enough to make his arms start aching.

“Oh my god,” he hears from Makoto, and he hides his grin behind the cake as he carefully places the cake tray on the dining table. “Haru, this is _amazing_.”

“’Course it is,” Haruka replies. “I wouldn’t half-ass anything I make for my friends.”

“You sure this cake ain’t for someone’s wedding?” Rin asks, and comes over to softly punch Haruka on the shoulder. “Great work, Haru.”

Haruka smiles a little, suddenly feeling bashful as he sees everyone else’s looks of awe at his creation. “Thanks.”

The good thing about this cake is that it can actually be enjoyed by everyone, even the people who aren’t that much into sweets as Haruka made the dark chocolate tier with them, namely Rin and Sousuke, in mind. He knows they’re getting there, though—all according to his well-thought out plan.

… if only.

“How’s it feel moving in with Sousuke?” Gou asks. Haruka looks over at Sousuke, who’s in what appears a very passionate discussion with Rin and Kisumi. He smiles at the sight.

“I’m a little nervous, but also excited. It’ll be great.”

“You complement each other well, so I know I can agree with you. It’s good for him to get out of that awful apartment building of his, and for you to keep the house. I’m still very jealous of it.”

“You and Aki can inherit from me when I die.”

Gou snorts. “Make it quick.”

“Oh, you know it.”

In the corner of his eye, Haruka sees Gou look over at the passionately arguing men as well, but her face has taken on a softer expression. “Seeing Aki go from… the way she was when she moved here was tough. Thinking back, I noticed similar patterns in you as well.”

Haruka knew there was no way Gou _didn’t_ see through him and his attempts at acting like he wasn’t nervous and cautious of everything when he and Kisumi came to Iwatobi. He’d been terrified that Rin and Sousuke would notice, but apparently he pretended well enough to fly under _their_ radar. Maybe Gou’s gotten better at seeing these things because of her experiences with Aki—it wouldn’t be too surprising.

“I kinda figured you did.”

“What I wanted to say is that… Aki got better. And so did you. It’s nice to see that sort of stuff in life sometimes, that not everything that’s gone to shit will stay that way.”

“That’s a nice way to put it. I’ve never thought of it like that before,” Haruka says. “Thanks, Gou.”

Gou smiles, leaning against Haruka briefly. “Sure. Hey, you _do_ know you’ve just worsened Makoto’s addiction to sweet stuff, right?”

Haruka laughs. “Yeah, that was the plan. But seriously, feel free to take some of it home; there’s a lot of that cake left. And I’m not gonna let Makoto have all of it to himself, even if it _is_ his cake.”

“But you made it.”

“Exactly. That’s why I have a say in where some of the leftovers go.”

Gou laughs. “Touché.”

As to be expected out of the ridiculously big cake Haruka created, there’s a lot left of it at the end of the evening. The most important thing was that Makoto would be the one who enjoyed it the most, and he apparently did as he actually went back for a second, though slightly smaller, slice. To outsiders, it’s probably a wonder that Makoto isn’t fat, but Haruka and the others know it’s because Rin drags him to the gym every now and then when they’re off work, to keep them both in shape. It’s probably more of a wonder _Haruka_ isn’t bigger than he is considering what he does for a living, and how little he actually works out.

Before he and Sousuke are able to leave for the evening, Makoto thanks Haruka for what feels like the umpteenth time; not just for the cake, but for everything pertaining to his birthday celebration. As always, Haruka feels a bit embarrassed by all the commotion, but he’s happy Makoto enjoyed everything regardless. He and Sousuke are the last to leave, heading back to what’s soon going to be _their_ house, but is still only Haruka’s.

“It feels like there’s a birthday in our group, like, every month.”

Haruka snorts, smiling. “Yeah. Two birthdays left this year, and then we start over again.”

“Don’t remind me that we’re almost into a new year again. This shit never slows down, does it?”

A morbid joke enters his mind, but Haruka refrains from letting the words get past his lips. “Guess not. Gotta make the best outta what we’ve got.”

It still feels a little strange seeing more than just Sousuke’s toothbrush and the occasional underwear or t-shirt lying around the house. At the same time, it’s a little exciting to see the differences between Sousuke and Kisumi in terms of living with them. Kisumi never had many belongings to begin with, but sometimes he’d even manage to make a mess with what little he owned. From what Haruka’s seen so far, Sousuke is far tidier of a person, and he’s used to living in smaller spaces, so maybe it won’t be so bad in that department.

The best thing about it, something Haruka never wants to get used to, is getting to fall asleep and wake up next to Sousuke every day. That’s something he can already tell is vastly different from when he lived with Kisumi, because like Kisumi said, what they have is very different from a romantic relationship. It’s something more, but still not in any way, shape or form comparable to what Haruka has with Sousuke.

It feels very different getting into bed that evening. Unlike every other time they’ve gotten into bed together, they’ll get to wake up together in the morning, and then sleep together the next day. And the next. With Kisumi, that kind of knowledge was like a safety crutch for Haruka, knowing he was with someone who’d been through similar things as himself. With Sousuke, it’s a different kind of safety. Haruka has, after a long time of constantly keeping a safe distance, finally concluded that Sousuke provides a safety that doesn’t come with a catch.

Long after Sousuke’s fallen asleep, Haruka is still awake. He stares up at the ceiling for so long that he gets tired of it, and he instead turns to lie on his side and look at Sousuke instead. Sousuke’s facing him, all facial expressions wiped away and smoothed out, making him look like he’s at least having a peaceful sleep lacking of nightmares. Slowly, careful not to wake Sousuke, Haruka brings a hand forth to let his fingertips caress Sousuke’s face.

Haruka remembers the first time he’d met Sousuke, how he’d thought of Sousuke as a stern, tough guy who walked around with his eyebrows constantly lowered, scowling and unwilling to make friends. Gou had reacted to his first impression with a laugh, and now, Haruka sees why. Despite the way Sousuke may look sometimes, and the sharp features he has that certainly don’t help his case of _looking_ approachable, his personality is a complete mismatch to his exterior. He’s funny, kind, generous, and one of the most patient people Haruka has ever met.

To think it would work out this way between the two is something Haruka still finds difficult to grasp. If only he hadn’t been so slow to realise and confront his own feelings, if only he’d _seen_ the not-at-all-subtle signals Sousuke was sending him. Of course, there’s no going back, and there’s no fixing what has been, so Haruka just sees it as an opportunity to make up for lost time.

 

* * *

 

“Jesus, Haru, was it _that_ rough last night?”

Haruka shoots Gou a scowl, slowly sitting down across from her at the table. “Shut up, Gou, I helped him move the last of his shit yesterday. And it was _heavy_ , I’ll have you know.”

Gou laughs, putting her hands up in front of her. “Easy, tiger, just messin’ with you. So his stuff’s all moved over? Hand me another cupcake, please.”

Haruka does as he’s told, and Gou cheerfully takes a bite out of it the second she receives the cupcake. “Yeah. He sold a bunch of things, like furniture and old clothes, making it a lot easier to move.”

“But it was still heavy.”

“Would you _stop_ that! He wrestles criminals every day, I do pastries and cakes. Baking certainly doesn’t give you the muscles that Sousuke’s job does.”

“Bet it’s nice essentially having your own bodyguard, huh.”

Haruka snorts. “I could’ve needed him here a lot sooner, but yeah, I suppose so.”

Yesterday, Haruka had gotten an order of twenty cupcakes for a party, but as forgetful as he’d apparently been, he’d ended up making nearly thirty. He’s not nice enough to add extra ones to the order for free, so after Aki had one, Haruka took the rest with him home, and now the leftovers are on Aki and Gou’s kitchen table. The best part of Haruka’s job, he’s realised, is that he and Aki get to take home leftovers since it’ll have to be thrown away otherwise.

Gou smiles sadly. “Life never works out the way we intend it to. Sometimes that’s a good thing, but sometimes it isn’t.”

“I’m glad it didn’t turn out the way I’d wanted it to,” Haruka says. “Shit may have happened, but it led me here. To you, to our friends… to Sousuke.”

“… I guess when you put it that way, maybe it’s not all that bad. But it didn’t have to happen like that.”

“No,” Haruka agrees, “but I still don’t think I would’ve changed anything. It made me stronger, and made me think differently about things. I certainly learnt a thing or two about life in general, which I’m thankful for.”

He doesn’t expect Gou to understand his thinking, because he knows that he probably wouldn’t have, either, had their situations been reversed. He can’t even imagine how things would have been if he’d been born and raised in Iwatobi, far away from the things Taichi found himself mixed up in after he’d decided on following the dumbest desire he’d ever had—money. If he’d lived here all his life, he might’ve _still_ ended up doing the same thing, but something tells Haruka it wouldn’t have resulted similarly.

“I can sort of get that. Even if things used to be awful, they still made you the person you are today. But I guess it’s weird to say you’re thankful for bad experiences shaping you into who you eventually become.”

Haruka laughs a little. “Yeah.”

It’s the end of November, and it really shows. Snow has started falling, leaving a thin layer of snow on the ground. Haruka hates that it doesn’t end there, that they’ll get more of it, and that they’ll have snow around for a couple months. If only he and Kisumi had decided on leaving the _country_ back in 2012, then maybe they could’ve ended up somewhere warmer. A place that doesn’t know snow. No, despite the snow that falls every year even in a place much warmer than Sendai, Haruka doesn’t regret his move to Iwatobi. This is where home is.

They get a lot fewer customers during this time of year, but there’s still a few regulars who, despite the aggressively falling snow outside, come in every morning to get their breakfast, and the coffee they keep between their gloved hands all the way to where they’re headed for the day. Haruka’s glad he works inside all day where it’s warm and cosy, but always dreads the end of his shift when Chigusa and Kazuki enter the shop, because that means he has to head home for the day… in the cold, and the snow.

Sousuke, the bastard, doesn’t mind the snow. In fact, he _likes_ it, and has even gone on snowboarding trips with Rin a few times over the years they’ve known each other. Despite his infatuation with snow, Sousuke always manages to stay warm somehow. Haruka, on the other hand, is the little ice cube clinging to the human furnace in the evening when they’re in bed together. It really is the best time of the day, because Haruka gets to take advantage of Sousuke’s incomprehensible body temperatures.

“I don’t get how you’re always so cold. You should put on better clothing when you go out.”

“Okay, _Mum_ ,” Haruka says. “I wear at least two layers of clothes every day, thank you.”

“I didn’t say _more_ clothing, I said _better_. When was the last time you went clothes shopping?”

Haruka doesn’t even want to answer that question, because the truth is that he doesn’t remember when that was. It was probably right around the time he and Kisumi moved to Iwatobi, because Haruka had thrown away most of his stuff from Sendai, terrified that someone might recognise him if he wore the same clothing Taichi did.

“Good night,” he says, turning around in bed. Sousuke laughs, and gently pulls Haruka back to face him again.

“Seriously, Haru. Let’s go get some stuff this weekend. I need some new clothes, too, so it’d be good for the both of us.”

“Who gave you the right to boss me around? I’m older, you know.”

Sousuke snorts. “By three measly months, don’t act like a brat.”

 _It’s actually six_ , Haruka thinks, but definitely doesn’t say. “That’s an entire quarter of a year. That’s not measly.”

“Fine, if you wanna be cold this entire winter, be my guest. I’ll just ask Rin to come with me instead.”

“I never said I wouldn’t go,” Haruka hurriedly says, and that makes Sousuke laugh again.

“Wow, do you really hate Rin that much?”

“Shut up, you know I don’t,” Haruka mutters. “Fine, I’ll go. You happy now?”

Still smiling, Sousuke scoots forward to kiss Haruka’s forehead. “I’m very happy.”

Haruka’s heart melts at the true meaning of those words, and suddenly he doesn’t need to use Sousuke as a source for heat anymore as he’s no longer cold. That doesn’t mean he won’t huddle up close to Sousuke anyway, because that’s where he wants to be. Even if they’ll wake up gross and sweaty in the morning with their limbs tangled together, it’s still worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8GKSt9Uukg)'s Makoto’s birthday cake. Yeah, I just shamelessly stole the cake, 100%. What a _cake_ , though. You’d probably be tired of chocolate for years to come even after just one slice.


	19. house of cards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruka has the first ever pleasant dream about Ryuuhei, bakes sixty cupcakes in a single day, and then he runs.

Haruka loves the idea that it’ll take time to get used to things, to properly fall into a routine. Back in the day, he _always_ had a routine for nearly everything, and unfortunately so did his parasitic cohabitant that he thankfully managed to escape later. It isn’t that Haruka’s life these days completely lacks routine, but the word in and of itself has gotten a positive meaning as of late. It’s _nice_ to have a routine, to have something he can sort of predict about his life that doesn’t carry fear with it.

Despite liking routines, Haruka’s also a fan of the occasional, spontaneous things. Having people come visit or take him out to do something, him doing the same things to and with his friends. It makes life fun to live, and _easier_ to live, especially during the months when Haruka feels like all they have is darkness, cold, and snow all around them. Really, his friends and Sousuke are what make it worth getting out of bed every morning to start yet another day.

He enjoys the mornings where neither him or Sousuke have to get up early, when they can just spend time cuddling in bed or just talking. When Haruka and Kisumi had bought the bed, it had been too big even for the both of them, and when Kisumi moved out, Haruka hated sleeping in it because it was entirely too big for just himself. And even when he _did_ sleep alone in that bed, he ended up taking up even less space than he did when sleeping next to Kisumi since he developed a habit of sleeping in a foetal position. Now that Sousuke’s moved in and, in a way, taken Kisumi’s spot in the bed, Haruka is once again reminded of how much he likes the bed, even though there _is_ less space to move around than it was when Kisumi still lived there.

The good thing about his and Sousuke’s schedules is that they don’t perfectly match up. Haruka’s pretty sure he’d grow tired of his boyfriend in no time if they were to spend each and every waking moment together. It’s only good for them to be apart every now and then, he reasons, and knows Sousuke feels the same way. That, of course, doesn’t mean they aren’t in love with each other—Haruka thinks it means the exact opposite. It’s _because_ he’s in love with Sousuke and cares for Sousuke that he thinks it’s good that they don’t suffocate each other with the other person’s constant presence.

It’s yet another slow day at the café. Every once in a while, someone comes in for a quick sugar or caffeine fix, but it really isn’t like how their days usually look in summer. Haruka’s grateful their café is situated in such a great location near the train station—had they been anywhere else, they definitely wouldn’t have been able to keep the café running very long. The café has now been in business for about five years, Haruka’s been there for over a year, and it’s still one of the more popular places in Iwatobi. As Haruka very much understands, considering how great their coffee is.

Having spent most of the day in the kitchen, Haruka finally takes a break for lunch, letting things dry for a bit. He’s _so_ tired of making gum paste flowers for the cake he’s working on, but he knows that in the end, the pay will definitely be worth the effort he’s putting into it. It’s a cherry blossom cake which has both three-dimensional flowers made out of gum paste glued on modelling chocolate branches, and also painted flowers on the cake layers themselves. Painting is no big deal, but making the gum paste flowers definitely is.

“It smells so good in there,” Aki sighs. “What flavour is today’s cake?”

“Cherry all over it. Cherry blossoms, dried cherry powder that I folded into my butter cream… I’m gonna be sick and tired of cherries and cherry blossoms for a while now,” Haruka replies, and adds a shudder for effect.

Aki laughs. “Good thing it’s winter and we’re still a few months away from spring.”

“When you put it that way, it gets a lot more depressing. Fine, I can _look_ at the real thing. I just don’t wanna ever have to make, or even feel, gum paste cherry blossoms ever again.”

Right at the end of his shift, a man comes over to pick up the cake, which is for a wedding. The man himself isn’t one of those getting married, but he’s the commissioner who’s going to surprise the bride and groom with the cake they barely know anything about. Haruka thinks it’s a stupid gamble, but it really doesn’t concern him as long as he gets paid for what he’s created. He already knows everything on the cake tastes good since he never completes a cake with components he hasn’t tried before, and this was no exception.

Despite the immense irritation Haruka had felt after having created about ten flowers, knowing he had so many more to make, Haruka can’t help but feel a little sad watching his beautiful cake leave the shop in a box. It _is_ his creation, after all—something he’s spent several hours on making, to only have someone else enjoy the final product. Thankfully, he won’t have much time to grieve his cherry madness, as there’s another order on the list waiting to be made.

One thing Haruka’s done since he finished Sousuke’s birthday cake, however, is to take a photo of his creations before they ship off to a new owner, or get eaten by him and his friends. It’s a nice little collection that keeps growing, and it’s even better that he gets to look back and see how he’s developing as a cake designer, albeit still not entirely professional. One day, he hopes he _will_ be, though, because it’s something he can definitely see himself doing full-time. It’s more fun than painting or drawing, and obviously a lot more hands-on.

On a day when Sousuke’s working late, Haruka’s half-forced Kisumi to come over to hang out, bribing him with dinner. It’s been a while since they hung out, and Haruka feels like they really need to catch up on what’s been going on in their lives. No matter how many friends Haruka makes or how busy his life becomes, Kisumi will always be a priority. And even after two years have passed, Haruka knows that feeling still goes both ways.

“I think it’s nice. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Haruka raises an eyebrow. “You know, I swear I’ve heard you say you hate snow before. What happened to you?”

“People change,” Kisumi says with a shrug, as if it’s not a big deal to _him_ that he suddenly likes snow and cold. “I think it changed slowly as we’ve been living here. You know, winter is very different here from Sendai.”

“You think that’s why you like winter now?”

“Maybe.”

A cryptic response and a wistful smile is all Haruka gets, but it actually makes him think about it, too. Logically, winters in Sendai would be colder since it’s located further north, but Haruka has a feeling Kisumi doesn’t _just_ mean it in that sense.

 

* * *

 

It hits him almost immediately that this is far too good to be true. But he doesn’t care, not at all. It’s one of those opportunities that can only present themselves in one way, and even though this won’t matter in the end, Taichi takes what he gets. He’s not going to be modest; who knows, maybe he deserves this. For once, something good happened. For once, he’s got the upper hand, and he’s not going to let anything change that.

A pathetic excuse for a man lies on the floor in front of Taichi’s feet. The corners of Taichi’s lips twitch upward at the sight; it is truly beautiful. It’s a sight he won’t soon forget, it’s an experience he knows he’ll feel in every cell of his body for years to come after this despite how surreal it is. Even if it _is_ too good to be true. The details don’t matter in the end, because it is what’s currently happening, what’s going on right _now_ , that matters.

“Taichi… please.”

Ryuuhei’s words are so small, so meek that Taichi barely hears them. But he does, and he savours every syllable that slowly makes its way past Ryuuhei’s lips with great effort. Is this how _he_ felt? Taichi knows that this feeling that he’s currently experiencing is dangerous, it’s addicting. Because now that he’s gotten a taste for blood, he’ll only want more. And the sad thing is that this is all he’ll ever get.

He almost wonders how far he’ll be allowed to go, how far he can take this before he’s pulled back up to the surface. Does he dare test it? Maybe not yet—Taichi really wants to enjoy the moment. Enjoy seeing the lowlife scum he’s claimed to be his boyfriend for years now, lie on the floor in front of him, _begging_ to be saved. Did Taichi ever do this? Has he sunk this low before? Of course, he knows that it’s natural to do just about anything if you want to keep living, if you don’t want to give up. Did he ever beg like this? No, he can’t recall ever getting so desperate. Ryuuhei didn’t ever deserve it, nor did Taichi allow himself to give that kind of pleasure, for free, to his abuser.

“ _Please_ ,” Taichi echoes, in awe of such a simple, yet sometimes powerful, word. “I didn’t know a simple word like that could so easily send a shiver down my spine.”

He doesn’t register what he himself is doing, all he does is watch. It’s a little strange watching himself kick a man lying down in front of him, but it’s also kind of… satisfying. To see that it’s actually _him_ doing this, that he’s not watching someone else do it. It’s the tip of his shoe that hits Ryuuhei in the rib area, that makes Ryuuhei gasp for air, curl up like a shrimp, and transform his entire face into one that spells out pain.

 _Again_.

His foot aims lower this time, for an area less protected. The reaction he receives is all the more beautiful than the previous. He’ll get addicted if this is allowed to keep going. For how long is he allowed to dream that he’s beating and kicking the life out of his parasitic cohabitant? Is reality that much better than how this dream is playing out? Does Taichi _want_ to wake up from this?

His eyebrows shoot up at the sight of tears rolling down Ryuuhei’s cheek, the one that isn’t pressed into the hardwood floor. He snorts incredulously at what he’s seeing, at the lie Ryuuhei’s trying to tell him this time.

“Really?” he asks. “Do you want me to believe you’re capable of feeling things?”

Ryuuhei doesn’t answer. Taichi knows it isn’t going to help, but that doesn’t stop him from bending down and grabbing a fistful of Ryuuhei’s hair anyway. Again, Ryuuhei winces as if he knows what pain is, and it makes Taichi even more frustrated.

“Are you _mocking_ me, you piece of shit?”

No answer. Ryuuhei looks as if he’s trying to make himself smaller; he’s tightening his shrimp-like position by hugging his knees. Maybe that’s why Taichi’s here, because he deserves to be ridiculed for his fantasies. How dare he wish for something that’s entirely unrealistic for someone like him? How dare he think he could ever get the upper hand on Ryuuhei like this?

Indeed, how dare he.

Taichi shoves Ryuuhei’s head down into the floor, and he repeats it twice while muttering curses through his gritted teeth before letting go. This reminds him of the saying ‘knock some sense into someone’, though he knows that Ryuuhei won’t get any smarter no matter how many times his head is shoved against the floor. Ryuuhei will always be Ryuuhei. Too smart for his own good, which Taichi will never, ever not be frustrated about. Who sent Ryuuhei his way that night at the bar, and why? What was the point?

It doesn’t matter now, Taichi decides. It doesn’t matter, because this is now, and this won’t last long. Instead of letting frustration crease his eyebrows, darken his vision, and distract him from the moment, Taichi grins again. He grins widely, finally daring to look straight at Ryuuhei without having the reflex of looking away.

Ryuuhei’s face is decorated in different patterns bathed in various shades of red. There’s blood dripping from his eyebrow, blood practically gushing from his wonderfully broken nose, a blooming blackeye on the right. Taichi did all that, he did all of those things to the one man he hates. A man who’s destroyed his life, made him unable to live a normal life. Honestly, this isn’t nearly punishment enough, Taichi thinks. But it’ll do, because after all—this isn’t real.

“You know,” he says. “I’ve always regretted not being able to tell you how much I fucking hate you for ruining my life. I know you’ll never know this, but saying it like this is the best I’ll get, so I’ll take it.”

Ryuuhei begins to open his mouth, but Haruka doesn’t get to hear what he says. It doesn’t matter, because there’s nothing he could’ve said that would’ve changed anything, even less so in a dream. At first, hearing the name ‘Haruka’ repeated over and over makes him wonder if the voice is calling out to someone else.

“Haruka, wake up.”

And Haruka opens his eyes. He does so, staring right up at Sousuke’s face above him, eyebrows creased with worry.

“Jesus, what kinda dreams are you having?”

Haruka’s heart skips a beat. He realises that no matter how good he is at hiding things from Sousuke when he’s awake, he can’t do so when he’s asleep and dreaming. Dreams won’t protect him from the potential threat of having everything exposed. A sudden thought asks him if moving in with Sousuke was such a good idea, after all, but Haruka still chooses to believe that it was.

“Why?” he asks dumbly. “Was I yelling in my sleep?”

“No, but I woke up to see you grinning like a creep. Like I woke up from a dream, only to realise I was in a nightmare where you were mere minutes away from killing me… or something.”

Maybe not Sousuke, but certainly someone else had he not been woken up so soon. Ah, the frustration with dreams—you always wake up too soon. With nightmares, sometimes you get _lucky_ and wake up quickly. But most of the time, at least in Haruka’s case, the nightmare keeps going for a while before it decides to let him go.

“Weird,” Haruka says. “I don’t even remember what I was dreaming.”

 

* * *

 

 **DECEMBER**.

 

It sure isn’t pretty, but Haruka still thinks rain beats snow by a large margin in terms of bad weather. And on a day when it’s been raining non-stop for hours, Haruka is so thankful that both he and Sousuke are off work so that they can lie in bed all day and just listen to the dreary weather outside, instead of having to get out there. They woke up late, and Haruka convinced Sousuke to make them both breakfast so they could eat in bed, and they haven’t moved since. The only thing that’s moved is the tray which is now sitting on the floor with their empty plates and bowls.

Several months ago, Haruka had to get up way earlier than Sousuke for work, as he’d found out that one morning they’d bumped into each other when neither could sleep. Now that Sousuke’s moved up a bit on the ladder of law enforcement, they’ve suddenly switched places. And it’s cruel, because Haruka thinks _he_ gets up early in the morning to prepare bread and pastries for the day before he and Aki even open up for the day. Of course, law enforcement never sleeps, and _someone_ has to be the poor sucker who gets up at ungodly hours.

“I’ll be working late tomorrow, by the way,” Haruka says. “I have a commissioner who’s coming in around seven to pick up an order.”

“Seven? That’s pretty late. Do you still work from five?”

Haruka sighs through his nose. “Yes. So I’m sorry in advance if I come home in a grumpy mood. It’s gonna be a long day.”

“I’m surprised that’s even allowed,” Sousuke mutters. Haruka finds his engagement in the whole ordeal really cute. It’s nice to know someone cares that much about even the smallest things.

“It probably isn’t, but I said it was fine. It kind of is, considering I’m getting extra paid for the hassle. Helps to even it out a little.”

He feels like his orders are just getting bigger, and more ridiculous every time. This time, someone’s _really_ gung-ho about cupcakes, and they’ve ordered fifty of them for a class reunion. It’s a little unusual, but maybe that’s what keeps things interesting—it’s not all the same stuff over and over. Sometimes there’s cherry blossom cakes, sometimes there’s fifty cupcakes decorated with the name of a school Haruka won’t soon forget. He hasn’t even started, but knowing that he has to pipe the kanji for the school over and over on each and every cupcake is most certainly going to hammer that name into his head where it’ll be stuck forever.

“Gonna be a bit lonely around here for a while, then,” Sousuke says, tightening his embrace around Haruka. “For once, I actually get off work early tomorrow.”

“How ironic. At least we get to see each other in the evening, I guess. It’s better than not seeing each other at all.”

“Yeah. I don’t think I’ll ever stop being grateful I get to be like this with you every day.”

Haruka scoots up in bed, kissing Sousuke softly along his neck. Small-talk is only fun for so long; now he’s getting restless. “Me too. I get to do this as much as I want, and you don’t complain. … You _can_ , if you want to, you know.”

Sousuke thankfully catches on quickly. He turns to meet Haruka in a kiss, and loosens his embrace to let his hands wander south under the duvet. “I know. No need.”

Maybe they should feel a little bad about spending the entire day in bed, but Haruka certainly doesn’t. He’s perfectly happy wasting a day of rain and grey by having sex, talking, and watching films on his laptop in bed. He’ll have to work longer hours tomorrow, and that’s when he’ll be glad he didn’t do anything too strenuous the day before. He’ll be able to help Aki around for the first few hours, but then Haruka has to start making the cupcakes and the frosting, or he’ll never be done by seven.

Afterwards, Haruka takes a few minutes to go wash himself up quickly, and then he returns to bed to lie with his back turned to Sousuke. That invites the latter to be the big spoon, which Haruka likes, because he really enjoys having Sousuke hug him from behind.

“How many sessions did this take you? Must’ve cost a fortune.”

Haruka feels Sousuke’s fingers lightly trace his back. He doesn’t often think about his tattoo these days, and he kind of sees it as a good thing. He’d gotten the tattoo as a reminder to himself that the line between freedom and captivity is incredibly thin. He’s been out of his cage for just over two years, and he knows that isn’t a long time at all, in reality. It may feel that way, considering everything that’s happened these past two years, but at the same time, it _was_ only two years ago that Taichi crashed a car following an earthquake, and unknowingly freed himself from hell.

“Three,” he replies. “And no, it wasn’t too expensive. Well, that depends on what you think tattoos should cost.”

Sousuke laughs softly. “Guess so. It’s a really powerful motive.”

Oh, if only he knew. “Yeah.”

It’s a good thing it’s November and the café isn’t as busy as it is when it’s anything but winter. Haruka and Aki busy themselves in the early morning by baking, taking care of the boxes that arrive around eight, and cleaning up whenever there isn’t anyone in to order something. Kisumi comes in around lunch time to get coffee and talk for a few minutes, but then Haruka has to leave Aki to fend for herself while he disappears into the kitchen to start the task of baking and decorating fifty cupcakes.

To help keep himself motivated, Haruka listens to music with one earbud in while he works on the foundation of the cupcakes. When it isn’t busy in the café, Aki comes in to chat with him for a bit, and test out his buttercream and dough. It takes a while to pipe out fifty cupcakes into their forms, mostly because Haruka really wants to make sure they’re all of the same size so they’ll bake evenly, but when he’s finally done, he puts the first tray into the oven, and takes a well-deserved break.

“I guess this is one of those orders that further cements your preference for decorating cakes, huh.”

Haruka snorts. “ _Oh_ yeah. But I guess I shouldn’t complain—money is money.”

“Mmm, I’d be a bit more picky than that. Considering… you know.”

“Okay, you’re right. But in this scenario, I mean; whether I make cupcakes or regular cakes doesn’t matter in the end since I still get paid for what I do. And hey, at least it’s legal, and it doesn’t risk my life.”

“Can’t argue with that,” Aki replies with a smile.

Haruka returns briefly to the kitchen to take out the first tray out of the oven, and put the next one in. Thankfully there’s only three trays, and the cupcakes only take fifteen minutes to bake, so in total it only takes just under an hour to bake fifty cupcakes. Still, that’s the easiest part, and the most frustrating and time-consuming work is still ahead of him. Haruka just wishes he had more time and space to do these things, but pursuing this as a full-time profession is still not entirely feasible. Maybe one day.

It’s funny for him to think about the fact that it really hasn’t been that long since he started baking and cake decorating as a way to scratch his artistic itch, and to branch out in terms of sweets and pastries. Cookies and buns in all their glory, there’s just something more exciting about cupcakes, muffins and cakes. Bigger areas to work on, and a lot more possibilities. It’s a mixture of many things Haruka likes to do—painting, drawing, and he’s also practically sculpting when making cake decorations from modelling chocolate or gum paste. Maybe that’s why he likes cake decorating so much, because it contains all of these things at once without Haruka really having to do much to change track.

Sixty baked and decorated cupcakes later, Haruka takes a step back and exhales a sigh of relief. He’s carefully packed them into pretty boxes of the better quality that won’t let the cupcakes get bumped around that easily, and now all he has to do is wait for the commissioner to come pick up his order. Surprisingly, Haruka had leftover dough _and_ buttercream, so he made ten extra cupcakes for himself and his friends. The only difference from the commissioned ones is that they lack the piped name of the high school none of them even went to in the first place, which also saved him some work.

Again, the benefits of doing this are _so_ making it all worth it in the end.

Just before seven, the commissioner comes by and picks up his box of cupcakes. He takes a sneak peek at them, and Haruka can’t help but smile confidently at his reaction.

“You really do live up to the rumours, Nanase-san. Thank you, these look amazing.”

Haruka raises his eyebrows. “Rumours, really? I’m flattered.”

“Oh, you probably haven’t heard them because they’re about you. I assure you, all I’ve heard are positive things about your baked goods.”

Hearing these things makes Haruka feel… weird. He hasn’t really thought about the fact that word could spread about what he does, considering he’s started to really get out there with his creations. He hasn’t had that many customers yet, but the fact that things still keep going and growing is probably a good sign that he won’t suffer from major setbacks anytime soon. And hearing that people spread good rumours only helps to strengthens the belief that maybe he’ll do okay with this crazy idea of his.

When the man has left with his cupcakes, Haruka puts his and Sousuke’s cupcakes in one tupperware container, and the others in a bigger container so that his friends can come pick some up for themselves at his house. Thankfully, they’ll last in the pantry for two days in the airtight containers, so there’s still no need to worry about waste. With everything cleaned up and packed away, Haruka finally locks up the café and heads home for the day. It feels like he left home two days ago considering how long his day has been, so now all he can look forward to is coming home to his bed to sleep.

It’s really cold outside, and Haruka shivers constantly all the way to his front door. It’s only December, and he sighs inwardly at the thought that they’re still a bit away from spring. His daily commute would be so much easier if he’d only had a car. He has a driver’s licence which has yet to get its proper use, and it’s also really expensive to buy a car. These are the excuses Haruka keeps telling others when they ask why he doesn’t just get a car to get around, but few know the real reasons behind it. Sousuke still has his car, but Haruka’s never been inside it, either.

Haruka barely notices it at first, but something in him holds him back a bit as he approaches the house. He wonders if maybe it’s the fatigue that slows down his footsteps. It’s not a job he’d usually associate with physical pain since there really isn’t a whole lot of physical labour in it besides lifting a box or two once a week, so he doesn’t know where this comes from. A bath should fix things, he figures, because baths tend to help him in many situations when his mind isn’t what it’s supposed to be.

“I’m home,” he calls upon entering the house through the front door. No response is heard, so Haruka assumes Sousuke might be over at Rin’s or something like that. Haruka can’t blame him; he knows that he himself would get bored sitting around waiting for someone to come home to him. Haruka knows Sousuke will return this evening, though, since he has to go to work in the morning, so Haruka shrugs it off and walks further into the house.

He has yet to eat dinner, but Haruka really isn’t all that hungry. It probably has to do with the fact that he’s spent all afternoon baking, and even if he’s only had a bit of a cupcake (the leftovers happily accepted by Aki before she left the café), maybe just being surrounded by it all helped to fill him as if Haruka had three entire cupcakes. He may like sweets, but three cupcakes would definitely be too much for him, even on an empty stomach.

Haruka’s just about to run the bath when he realises he doesn’t have any clean towels downstairs. He heads upstairs to go grab a towel from the closet, but stops at the top of the stairs. He wasn’t home alone, after all.

“I said ‘I’m home’ when I came in through the door two—”

But Haruka stops when he sees Sousuke sitting on the floor, and what Sousuke holds in his hands. Haruka swallows hard, clenching and unclenching a fist at his side. He really should’ve hidden that better.

“What are you doing?”

“Who’s Taichi?”

Haruka hates that the day has come when Sousuke would say that name. He knew that this was a possibility, and maybe it’s better that it happened this soon rather than several years down the road. But that doesn’t take away Haruka’s fear, his anger aimed towards himself for being such an idiot and taking the documents with him back home to Iwatobi. Sumire should’ve kept them, she has more use for them than Haruka does, anyway.

“Don’t answer my question with another question. What are you _doing_?”

Sousuke finally looks up from the driver’s licence and passport he’s taken out of Haruka’s envelope. When he’d taken the envelope with him, Haruka hadn’t expected people to rummage through his drawers and find it—most guests wouldn’t do such a thing. But Sousuke isn’t a guest, he lives here now, so of course he has the right to search through the entire house, should he want to. That still doesn’t make Haruka less pissed off and frightened.

“I was putting stuff away, cleaning around the house. Was I not allowed to?”

“You’re absolutely allowed to do as you wish around here since you live here now,” Haruka replies, hoping his voice doesn’t sound as shaky as it feels. “But you can’t just go through my stuff without my permission.”

“So you were hiding this.”

Haruka wants to hate him, suddenly, because that would make his escape so much easier. What he knows that he _does_ hate is that Sousuke had such a good comeback that it led Haruka into his trap so effortlessly that Haruka didn’t see it coming.

“It’s none of your business whether I hid it or not.”

“Actually, I’d say it _is_ my business these days. Unless you want our relationship to be full of lies and secrets.”

“This shit started way before you came around,” Haruka spits back, clenching his jaw. “It doesn’t concern you, and it never did.”

Sousuke puts down the envelope on the floor, just leaving there, as if making a point. Haruka doesn’t see what the point is, but he glances down at the envelope even as Sousuke stands up so they’re more level. Or maybe Sousuke just doesn’t like the feeling of being looked down upon, as if standing up will automatically give him more of an advantage in this argument.

“I thought it was strange that you didn’t share your mother’s surname,” Sousuke says. “I figured that it was because she remarried, but that has yet to happen.”

God, he knows too much. Haruka feels sick at the realisation of how much Sousuke actually knows about his life without having asked that much. No matter how many lies Haruka has told, no matter how different his story is from reality that he’s told Sousuke… he still found out too much just by being around Haruka.

“And besides, Taichi looks too much like you to be a relative. What happened, Haru? Why is this man named Taichi, and why are you Haruka?”

Haruka doesn’t think, he just turns around on his heel, and sprints down the stairs. Heart hammering in his chest, he listens for Sousuke’s footsteps, but he’s surprised when he doesn’t hear them. What kind of an idiot police officer doesn’t chase after a criminal running away from him? Is Sousuke just mocking Haruka, giving him a head-start before easily coming after, catching up, and getting a hold of him?

On his way through the hallway, Haruka grabs his phone, his wallet, and keys. He yanks his jacket off the hook, and haphazardly steps into his shoes before darting out the door, not bothering to lock the door behind him.

 _[panic button pressed_ ] Haruka sends Kisumi as he’s walking with long strides away from the house. Maybe he’s overreacting, maybe Sousuke won’t actually do anything—but considering everything, Haruka can’t take the risk of making assumptions.

[ _what’s wrong? where are u??_ ]

 

Instead of texting back and forth, Haruka decides to instead call Kisumi, ducking into a little alleyway to get away from the crowds. Leaning against a brick wall, he takes a deep breath as he puts his phone to his ear. Thankfully, Kisumi picks up on the second signal.

“ _Haru? What’s going on?_ ”

“Sousuke knows,” Haruka says, realising he’s more out of breath than he probably should be. “He found the stupid envelope with my old driver’s licence and shit, asked me about it, and I just _had_ to lose my fucking poker face. I’m so done. I need to leave Iwatobi, Kis. I can’t stay here knowing shit could come my way soon.”

“ _Okay, hang on a bit before you start making rash decisions. Would Sousuke do that to you?_ ”

“I don’t know!” Haruka replies, his voice going up an octave in panic. “Shit, I thought I could trust him, but I don’t know if I can. It was dumb of me to get involved with a goddamn police officer. What was I thinking?”

What _was_ he thinking? All the time he spent being scared shitless of Rin just being _around_ him should’ve taught Haruka something, but now that he’s in a relationship with Rin’s partner, another police officer, it seems he hasn’t learnt anything. Sousuke has just gained the power to crush Haruka’s life to pieces with his bare hands, and Haruka was the one who so easily gave him that power. As if he _wanted_ this to happen. Like hell he did—Haruka has come too far for it to turn out like this, and he’s not gonna stop fighting for his freedom.

So all he can do is run away. Again.

“ _Haru, come over to my place_ — _let’s not talk about this on the phone. Come over?_ ”

“… Yeah. I’ll be there soon.”

Strangely, Haruka hears Kisumi laugh a little. “ _I have to say you have good timing for this, if I’m reading you correctly_.”

Haruka doesn’t have time to ask Kisumi what that means before the call ends, but he doesn’t stick around to wonder about it since he can just ask Kisumi in person soon.


	20. chasing ghosts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruka repays Kisumi a favour, starts to overcome a fear, and learns more about Kisumi's mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know people say this a lot, but wow, life really does get in the way a lot. That's why this is coming out late, but at least it's still 2018. (And wow, what a long year it's been.)

Haruka practically runs over to Kisumi’s. Stupidly, he thinks that it’ll lessen the risk of him bumping into someone like Makoto or Rin, and he doesn’t need someone to snitch on his whereabouts to Sousuke. Though, to be fair, Sousuke probably already knows Haruka’s headed that way, because where else would he go? Kisumi is the only one Haruka would trust in this situation, because everyone else is too close to Sousuke. Ironically, Haruka is closer to Sousuke than anyone else, and that really came back to bite him in the ass at the worst time.

He sprints up the stairs to Kisumi’s apartment, stopping himself just before he bangs on the door. Instead, he rings the doorbell like any other, normal human being would. The second Kisumi opens the door, Haruka practically barges in, but thankfully, Kisumi probably expected that as he’s already stepped out of Haruka’s way when opening the door.

“He has a car,” Kisumi says. “If he wanted to chase you down, he would’ve done so.”

Haruka takes a few seconds to catch his breath, and then he slides down on the floor with his back against the wall. He snort-laughs. “Maybe he just wants to give me a head-start to make me think I have the upper hand.”

“You make him sound like he’s actually out to get you. Did you forget this is Sousuke we’re talking about? Who says you _can’t_ trust Sousuke?”

Haruka snorts, giving Kisumi a look of disbelief and shock. “Are you telling me I should, after everything I’ve been through? The things _you’ve_ been through with the police?”

“That’s not what I meant,” Kisumi hurriedly replies, putting his hands up. “I’m saying that Sousuke’s your boyfriend. He seems like the kind of guy who _wouldn’t_ rat on you even if he’s police. You know? I mean, hey—you know him better than I do, so I might be wrong. But I’m just saying… maybe, for once, you can trust someone.”

“You say ‘for once’ as if I haven’t trusted you all this time. With good reason, I should add.”

Kisumi smiles. “Oh, I know, but I don’t count.”

Haruka lets himself exhale, relax a little. He’s been tense ever since he noticed Sousuke found the envelope, and now when he’s with Kisumi, when he’s safe, he can breathe a little easier. Haruka knows he’s in good hands, even if things with Sousuke _are_ screwed up. At least he’s still got Kisumi around for when shit hits the fan, and any other time when it thankfully doesn’t.

“It took you a long time to trust him,” Kisumi continues. “But now that you _have_ learnt to trust him… don’t let it go to waste. It can very well be a misunderstanding on your part. An understandable one to me, because I know why, but Sousuke doesn’t. My advice is to talk to him.”

Haruka sighs, and decides to give up for now. He’ll decide if and when he’ll deal with Sousuke, but for now, something else is on his mind. “What did you mean earlier when you said I had good timing?”

Kisumi cocks his head in the direction of the hallway. Only then does Haruka notice the sports bag on the floor, still open. Haruka’s seen this before, but this time, he knows it’s a different situation.

“Miyazaki.”

“Yeah, I think it’s probably about time. And like I said before, if I know you right, you want to leave for a bit, too. Get away from Sousuke. I’m not saying you _should_ , because I honestly don’t think Sousuke would do anything. Or Rin, for that matter. But if you wanna come with me, the offer’s there.”

It sounds like a good idea to get away for a bit. Could be risky, since Haruka runs the risk of walking straight into a jail cell as he comes back, but if Kisumi is right, and Haruka is lucky enough that his trust in Sousuke hasn’t been misplaced, then maybe he’ll be fine. For now, though, Haruka wants to think about something else, be somewhere completely different. That in and of itself isn’t directly dangerous to _him_ , so maybe this time he could be there for Kisumi as Kisumi’s always been for him.

“I’ll go,” he says. “But… I need some stuff. Clothes and whatnot.”

Kisumi smiles. “I’ll come with you to the house so you can pack. Sousuke might not even be there anymore.”

“But if he is—”

“—then I’ll be there with you,” Kisumi interrupts. “Now come on.”

“What about you?”

Kisumi shrugs. “He’s most likely already figured it out, since I came here with you.”

Haruka gets up from the couch, now feeling a little less anxious. He’ll deal with Sousuke later, but for now, he’ll get some time away from it while going to Miyazaki with Kisumi. Neither of them know what they’ll find there, but Haruka knows they won’t ever find out if they don’t go. Haruka would never dream of letting Kisumi go by himself, and he’s honoured Kisumi would ask him to come, too. Not that Kisumi really has any other options, but still. If he hadn’t thought much of Haruka, he would’ve definitely gone by himself without saying a thing.

 

* * *

 

Sousuke isn’t at the house when they arrive. Haruka feels both relief and worry upon walking into an empty house, but he knows he shouldn’t worry about that since he should be more worried for himself right now. It almost feels like he and Kisumi have come full circle: they started off running away and fearing for their lives, ending up in the peaceful seaside town of Iwatobi. Then they managed to build completely new lives for themselves with materials completely based on lies, but that would eventually end up coming back to chase them. And now here they are again, running away. The only difference is that their escape from Iwatobi isn’t permanent; they’ll be back again soon, and then Haruka will have to face the consequences of lying to the police for two years.

He’s pretty certain Sousuke won’t be back anytime soon, so Haruka takes his time packing his things. It’s nice to have Kisumi there, it really helps to keep his panic and anxiety levels down. He’s absolutely sure he wouldn’t have been able to come back to the house alone and then leave without completely breaking down from the sudden stress he’s experiencing. Someone from the streets of Sendai once told him that the adrenaline kick they get from working underground is what kept them going. Haruka _hates_ the adrenaline kick that makes him pack faster and more efficiently than he’s ever packed before—it doesn’t benefit him, nor does it make him feel ‘great’.

They don’t want to bring heavy packing. Burdens will slow them down, and if running will be necessary, a heavy load might be deadly. Haruka instead packs as lightly as he can into a single backpack that’ll be easier for him to carry. He hasn’t asked Kisumi just _how_ dangerous it could be for them to go to Miyazaki, and that’s mostly because he’s scared the answer won’t be what he’s hoping for. He’s already promised to go, and Haruka _would_ go with Kisumi regardless, but he remembers how nervous he was whenever he and Aki went back to Sendai in May.

“Ready to go?”

Haruka stands up, and picks up his backpack off the bedroom floor. “Yeah.”

Kisumi nods once, and leads the way down the stairs outside. They take the short walk over to the train station in relative silence, and thankfully don’t have to wait too long for a train to arrive that’ll take them to the train station closest to the airport. Neither of them say barely anything during the short train ride; Haruka doesn’t know _what_ to say, and he assumes Kisumi might feel the same way. They do, however, have an entire flight fit for questions Haruka still has.

“Doing things impulsively is really stupid.”

“Have we ever done anything _but_ impulsive shit?” Kisumi counters with the tiniest hint of a laugh in his voice. “If we can’t find a flight today, we’ll try again tomorrow. Well, you can still turn back if you want to, but I’m not gonna.”

Haruka frowns lightly. “Neither will I.”

“Great, then we’re on our way to Miyazaki!”

It should probably amaze Haruka how optimistic Kisumi is able to sound when they’re heading into potential danger, but he knows that Kisumi has to do that to keep himself sane. Haruka doesn’t know anything about what could await them there, but Kisumi doesn’t know much more than that, either. It’s been longer since Kisumi’s been to Iwatobi than it’s been since Haruka last saw Ryuuhei—many things have undoubtedly changed, but some things have probably stayed the same. And those are the things Haruka knows they have to be aware of when coming to Kisumi’s birthplace.

The earliest flight is still a few hours away, so Haruka and Kisumi spend time by having coffee, talking, and walking around the pre-check area doing some fake window-shopping. It feels like Haruka’s never quite gone to or from an airport like an actual tourist; every time he’s gone somewhere by flight, it’s been for reasons so far from tourism as they could come. The last time he went somewhere for ‘fun’ must’ve been when Tooru was still alive, and that thought in and of itself is depressing enough.

“Why’re you so nervous?” Kisumi asks, and Haruka looks tiredly to his side.

“One of us should be. I’m just surprised it isn’t you.”

Kisumi shrugs. “I might be? I’m not sure. It’s been a while since I was in Miyazaki, so I don’t know how to feel.”

That’s exactly why Haruka’s nervous, but he doesn’t say it. It’s obvious Kisumi feels something about going back to his hometown, but Haruka doesn’t inquire on the reason why it’s still left unsaid. Of course Kisumi feels _something_ about going back, it would be strange if he didn’t. Haruka feels nervousness on the behalf of Kisumi, and not even an ounce for his own safety. He’s completely unknown in Miyazaki, and these days, no one would remember Taichi, either, if they’ve heard of him all the way down in Miyazaki.

Still, that obviously doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be careful, because as he’s experienced so many times in the past few years, anything can come in his way to make his life more difficult.

“Wow, I haven’t been on a plane in years,” Kisumi says. “Feels strange.”

“Years?” Haruka snorts. “It was, like, two years ago.”

Kisumi raises a challenging eyebrow at Haruka before turning his attention to his seatbelt. “That’s how it works, Haru. ‘Years’ can mean two years, too. _I_ think that’s a pretty long time. And despite everything, I think it’s exciting. To be on a plane, I mean.”

“I could think of so many other things that could make you excited, and you’re excited to fly in an aeroplane. I know I shouldn’t say this, but… you should get out more.”

A three hour-long flight awaits them, and Haruka anxiously waits for them to be safe up in the air until he starts interrogating Kisumi. He’s allowed to know at least _something_ about what could possibly await Kisumi, and even Haruka, when they arrive in Miyazaki in a few hours.

“What’re we going to Miyazaki for?”

Kisumi leans back in his chair, closing his eyes briefly. “Don’t tell me you’re having second thoughts _now_ , Haru.”

“I’m not, but you haven’t really told me anything. About why you were going here, about Miyazaki.”

Up until now, Haruka hasn’t questioned Kisumi, hasn’t inquired deeper about his past. If Kisumi wanted to talk, Haruka assumed he would have. And maybe he would have, in time, but it’s been two years and Haruka doesn’t know many other things than the things Kisumi told him that one night when he found out how Kisumi had one day faked his death. Did Kisumi owe Haruka his story back then? Absolutely not. Now, though? Haruka feels like he does, at least to some extent. After all, Taichi was the one seeking help from the start, not the other way around.

At the same time that Haruka wants to know, finally, he also feels bad for enquiring. He didn’t have to come with Kisumi to Miyazaki, he doesn’t have to ask. But now he’s here, and Haruka has to know _something_ ahead of time, before he’s thrown into a situation he has no background information on. They’ve done everything together since that fateful day when they shook hands in Kisumi’s Sendai office, making the deal that they’d escape Sendai together, as part of Haruka’s payment to Kisumi. They’ve done everything together since then, so why should it stop now? Why _shouldn’t_ Haruka repay the favour?

“I guess I owe you,” Kisumi says after a while. “I owe you a lot, actually. And I’m sorry I haven’t… taken my debt to you seriously. That’ll change, I promise.”

Haruka barely nods, the feeling of guilt only growing stronger inside him. “Okay.”

“Mum might still be out there. I don’t know, but I’ve gotta look. At the same time, I might not be as lucky as you were that your ex died in the earthquake. Miyazaki didn’t get hit. There’s a risk my ex is still out there somewhere, and considering everything that happened… he’s not gonna be happy if I run into him.”

“He’s the guy you escaped by ‘dying’.”

Kisumi laughs bitterly. “See, I told you we’re really similar. Yeah, you’re right. But I have a hunch he knows it was all bull. He’s… he’s not dumb. And that’s why I’m scared for Mum.”

Haruka remembers how scared he’d been when he and Aki went back to Sendai, thinking about all the things that could’ve possibly happened to Sumire during the time they’d been apart. Considering how things went for Haruka just by getting in bed with the wrong guy, it wouldn’t have been completely impossible for Sumire to walk down a similar path following the death of her husband, and later on the falling-out with her son. Things like these change people, and you never know what they’ll do in the wrong kind of situation.

When dealing with men who are smart and have a lot of connections, neither Haruka’s nor Kisumi’s parents had to be directly involved to be potential targets. Kisumi’s mother _was_ involved because of her husband, and whatever that involved could have easily lead to many things for Kisumi’s mother that not even Haruka wants to think about. He’s feared having lost his mother once, so he’s well aware of how Kisumi must feel.

“I know you think it’s dumb of me to go back,” Kisumi continues. “I thought the same of you a while back, but… it turned out better than I think both of us dared hoping at first. This time, though… I don’t know. And neither do you.”

Haruka raises his eyebrows slightly, looking down at his knees. “It’s very rare, but sometimes I wish I was still doing the fake psychic thing. I wish I had those kind of connections, still, so I could pull that kinda shit off. This is one of those times.”

Kisumi huffs a little laugh. “If only it were that easy.”

 

* * *

 

One thing Haruka hadn’t accounted for when going with Kisumi to Miyazaki was the fact that they now inevitably have to travel by taxi to get places. Haruka hasn’t been in a car since 2011, and while he most of the time thankfully doesn’t have to even _think_ about driving or getting into a car, it’s just now hit him, and that’s why he stops dead in his tracks on the way out of the airport, making someone almost walk into him from behind. The woman behind him clicks her tongue, but walks past without saying anything, and Kisumi quickly takes Haruka to the side.

“Something wrong?”

“We have to take taxis when we’re here, right?”

It’s funny, because he’s less scared of flying than he is of driving or getting into cars in general. Most people would be scared of flying, but Haruka thinks it’s probably more likely that you die in a car than if a plane were to crash. These days, at least in Japan, aeroplane controls are incredibly strict and thorough, so everyone knows they can be relatively safe when flying somewhere. Haruka already knows that cars can be incredibly unreliable—especially if you’re unlucky enough to be out driving when an earthquake hits.

Kisumi looks at Haruka for a second before it seems to connect in his head. He sighs quietly, placing a hand on Haruka’s arm. “Yeah.”

“I know I should get over this already, but… I haven’t given myself time to really _do_ that. And maybe this wasn’t the best time to try and get over my fear.”

“There’s never a wrong time,” Kisumi replies. “Good thing about airports is that you can sort of go ‘taxi window shopping’; you can walk up to a taxi, get a feel for the driver, ask them something, and then decide if you wanna go with them or not.”

Haruka nods slowly, relaxing his shoulders with an exhale. “It sounds better when you put it that way.”

“And besides, I’m with you. You’re not gonna be the one to drive, someone else is.”

Kisumi’s words don’t completely ease Haruka’s worries, though they do help a little bit. Haruka has known for a long time that his fear is something he needs to deal with and get over, because it has done nothing but sink him since he moved to Iwatobi. There haven’t been many times, luckily, that he’s been in situations where cars would’ve been involved, though in truth, he’s kind of avoided some of them. He remembers how free he used to feel when he drove a car, how it gave him _some_ level of control in his life when most of the time he was bereft of it. As badly as it had ended, driving away from Ryuuhei in his own car was probably the happiest moment Taichi ever experienced until his ‘death’.

On the way out of the plane, Haruka turns his phone back on, and regrets it seconds later as he finds three missed calls and two text messages from Sousuke.

[ _where are u. come home, let’s just talk, ok?_ ]

[ _haruka, i’m sorry. please call me at least._ ]

Reading them makes Haruka’s heart ache, so he quickly turns his phone off again. He won’t need it when they’re here, anyway; he’s already called Suzuki to ask for a few days off, and Aki promised to let others know he and Kisumi are out of town if they ask. Haruka trusts her to come up with a good excuse that won’t raise suspicion; she knows what to do and say in these situations.

They call of a taxi when they’ve gathered their luggage, and Haruka does his best during the short ride to the hotel to think about anything but the fact that he’s in a car. Kisumi does a good job of acting like a tourist in his hometown: asking the taxi driver for restaurant recommendations, where to go shopping the most for the least amount of money, and what they must see and experience while in Miyazaki. The taxi driver is friendly and gives them advice and recommendations they won’t need, and when they get out of the taxi, Kisumi makes sure to tip him well.

“You really didn’t have to do all that,” Haruka says as they walk up to the hotel, the taxi slowly starting to drive away behind them. Kisumi laughs.

“I know, I was just having a little fun. Legally!”

“Very funny.”

It’s getting late when they’ve finally arrived in their hotel room, and neither have the energy nor lust to go out again for the rest of the day. It’s one of the few times Haruka’s ever ordered room service, but to be fair, he hasn’t stayed in hotels all that often throughout his life despite nearing the age of thirty. Sure, they didn’t order anything too extravagant, but it still feels like some sort of luxury on a trip meant for things far removed from luxury and pleasure.

“Do you have a plan for tomorrow, or are you just gonna wing it?”

Kisumi shrugs. “How could I plan this? I’m completely going after what my impulses tell me. Go to Miyazaki, find Mum, make sure she’s safe, get the hell out. I know it sounds a lot simpler when I put it that way, but…”

“I know,” Haruka says. “My plan was similar when I went to Sendai. Finding Mum was my top priority, then it was Shizu. It sounds simple to others, but we know what it’s really like.”

“You’re right. I hope I get as lucky as you did, Haru. I really do, but I know having hope is dumb.”

Having hope might be, like Kisumi says, dumb. But it is ultimately what keeps people going, what keeps them from giving up. Haruka felt the same when he’d been searching for Sumire; he didn’t dare hope that she was alive, but that didn’t stop him from damn well hoping he’d find her alive and well, anyway. Haruka knows he can’t blame people for having hope in situations where it seems all hope is lost, because it lies in human nature to wish for things to go as well as they possibly could, or even better.

“It might be. But I hope you’ll have luck on your side, too.”

Kisumi smiles, and gets off the couch, heading towards the bathroom. Haruka waits for his turn, and then goes to wash his face and brush his teeth before going to bed. He knows they probably won’t get much sleep—Kisumi even less than Haruka, no doubt—but some sleep is better than none. They don’t know what to expect of the coming day, but since both have experience living and working on the streets and ‘underground’, so they know how to behave and what to do when they’re out there. Haruka hasn’t gotten a proper feel of Miyazaki yet, either, so that doesn’t help him judge just who he’s supposed to be in order to keep himself as safe as possible.

 

* * *

 

Life goes on normally for the people of Miyazaki. There’s people out shopping for necessities and less important things; some are walking their dogs, taking their kids to school. Life goes on normally for them, but not for two people who don’t normally reside in this prefecture. For them, life today does not go on normally, and they are instead thrown into uncertainty that could lead to so many other things, good or bad. Though, before all of that, both of them have to get coffee, and something to eat.

Starbucks coffee is incredibly overrated, and it’s also expensive. The only good thing about it is that you can get a ridiculously large mug full of what is essentially hot bean water, a mug that’s a lot bigger than the large ones you can get everywhere else. Haruka wonders how the hell anyone manages to finish their entire mug before the beverage goes cold and becomes disgusting. He makes it halfway through his before he’s both had enough and thinks it’s gone too cold to be drinkable, and then he tosses it into a nearby bin.

To look less like a suspicious outsider, Haruka puts on one of Taichi’s old masks, which is definitely dusty by now, and fits a little strangely. He doesn’t want to get used to it again, though, but he hopefully won’t have to after they’ve left Miyazaki. Unless things with Sousuke just really can’t be patched up and sorted out, then maybe he’ll have to turn back into his old self, or some knock-off version of Taichi, at least.

“How’re you holding up?” Kisumi asks him, and Haruka turns to give Kisumi a surprise-offended look.

“I should ask _you_ that. I’m fine.”

“So am I.”

“Do you know where we’re headed?”

“Sure; Mum’s place. I don’t know if she still lives there, but it’s the best I’ve got for a starting point. Then we’ll see.”

Haruka’s done this before, and he knows how difficult it is to truly know where to start. You’re grasping at straws, not knowing what you’ll find, if you’ll find anything at all. Some get lucky, some don’t, and some people get a dose of both. Haruka is probably a rare case in which he threw himself into the unknown and came out both unscathed but also with the knowledge that the demon of his past had been killed by the forces of nature, and that his mother hadn’t been.

In Kisumi’s case, there hasn’t been a natural disaster in the picture, so something much worse could be waiting around the corner, and they’d never know.

Getting around Miyazaki and towards Saito is fairly effortless; a short train ride and then a walk in a very scenic area despite the time of the year. It’s a place Haruka would love to visit again but as a tourist, to properly experience Miyazaki—he can only imagine how beautiful Saito is during the sunnier months of the year. He finds it interesting how different parts of Japan can be from each other: The Izumi ward in Sendai feels like a completely different country in comparison to both Iwatobi and what he’s seen of Miyazaki, and not just because his memories of Sendai are tainted by parts of his past. Iwatobi is the peaceful seaside town where people get to know each other uncomfortably well in a very short amount of time.

And then there’s Saito in Miyazaki, which probably still has many things to surprise Haruka with. Kisumi knows this place since he grew up here, so it’s reassuring for Haruka to know that, while _he’s_ in a new place, his company isn’t, which is good since they might need the experience should a certain situation arise.

The more Haruka thinks about it, though, it really doesn’t seem all that likely that they’ll run into anyone who would know Kisumi from the past. Unlike Haruka who didn’t change _too_ drastically since Sendai, Kisumi did. Not only has he changed his name and hair colour, he’s grown a lot older, and become a completely different person over time, not just because he had to. It’s only been two years since Haruka last saw Ryuuhei, but it’s been far longer since Kisumi was in contact with the demon of his past.

They come upon a largely decrepit apartment building, outside which they see a stray dog walking around aimlessly, but the dog is the only living being around. Otherwise, it looks as if they’ve stumbled upon an area which has been inhabited for decades. The brown colour of the walls has faded over time, and there’s cracks here and there, showing signs of negligence by whoever manages the building—or at least used to. Haruka slowly comes to realise something Kisumi never told him and that he never asked Kisumi about: this is one of the poorer areas of Saito. Having just been in what Haruka would assume to be a middle-class area, in comparison to where they are now, it almost seems like they’ve just left one of the richer parts of town.

Haruka still hasn’t spoken a word, and neither has Kisumi. Wordless communication flows between them every now and then about where to go, but so far, nothing more has been needed.

“Is this it?”

Kisumi looks up at the walkway one floor above, and he wears a blank expression on his face. “Yep. Let’s go up.”

Silence falls again as they begin heading up the stairs to the second floor. They stop outside a door where the mailbox has the name ‘Takizawa’ written on it, though as with the rest of the building, the text is also slowly fading. The fact that it still has that name on it means that Kisumi’s mother never moved away, so at least they’re in the right place. Well, right place per _some_ definition. It just doesn’t look good despite this, since the place seems to have been abandoned for years, and not just this one apartment.

Kisumi places a finger on the doorbell, but stops himself before he pushes the button. He laughs quietly, shaking his head. “This feels so weird. I used to have a key to this place, and now I’m here as a visitor.”

“Things end bad between you?”

“No, not at all. But as time went on, we got worse at staying in touch.” Kisumi laughs again, but with less humour sprinkled in than before. He’s let his arm fall to his side, and Haruka thinks he might need the little preparation break before they ring the doorbell, unless someone actually comes out of the apartment to greet them. “Mum and I were like friends in the end that just grew apart. No arguments, no fights, nothing. It was honestly tougher than a breakup.”

Since they both walked down the wrong path when they were still young, it’s obvious Haruka and Kisumi would slowly lose contact with people in their lives, even their parents. In Haruka’s case, Tooru died, but in Kisumi’s case, his father ended up in jail when Kisumi was still a kid, so they both ended up spending a lot of time around just the one parent. And then the wrong decisions ended up with them pushing away people and choosing a life they’d regret later on, and feel the after-effects years after.

“Okay,” Kisumi says, and exhales slowly before he once again puts his finger on the doorbell, finally pressing it. The sound is almost startling loud, considering the quiet and desolate surroundings, and Haruka instinctively lets his gaze wander from left to right to make sure no one comes up to them. He can’t turn around, but that’s why he focuses his hearing instead.

Several seconds pass, and there’s no sign of anyone coming to the door. It was always a possibility, but they’d both hoped that it would end up being just that, and that it wouldn’t turn into reality. Would Kisumi’s mother at least notify him if she moved? Haruka doesn’t know. They seemed to have a good relationship while they were still maintaining contact, and like Kisumi said, their relationship didn’t _end_ , they just grew apart. So there shouldn’t be a reason for her not to tell Kisumi if and where she moves.

Haruka swallows hard as his heart slowly sinks in his chest. All hope is not yet lost, but it sure is waning. At Haruka’s side, Kisumi keeps his eyes trained on the door, eyebrows slightly furrowed, jaw tightened. He eventually sighs impatiently, and starts digging through his pockets, which makes Haruka break his concentration.

“What are you doing?”

“Breaking in.”

“Kisumi, we can’t—”

“No one lives there anymore. You’re chasing ghosts.”

Haruka whips around so fast he nearly loses his footing. Kisumi walks over to stand next to him, looking down at someone Haruka should’ve definitely heard coming if he hadn’t gotten distracted.

“What do you mean by ‘ghosts’?” Kisumi asks faster than Haruka would’ve wanted to know potentially heart-breaking information.

“I’m saying what I mean. The son moved out a long time ago, stopped seeing her around town about a year after her son left. That’s why you still see their last name on the box; no one left, no one moved in. In fact, no one’s moved into _any_ of these apartments once they’ve been abandoned.”

Haruka clenches a fist, and breathes out through his nose. It was always a possibility, and then it became reality. He can’t imagine what Kisumi’s feeling, though Kisumi certainly isn’t showing any signs of really reacting to the man’s words. For all they know, hopefully the stranger’s just spouting a bunch of nonsense. There’s no reason for them to believe him, though it sounds too credible.

“… Why and how do you know all this?” Kisumi counters without missing a beat. The man who’s still standing on ground level looks up at them with a steady gaze, putting his hands down in his pockets. Haruka doesn’t like the look of it.

“I’ve lived here a long time. Know everyone who moved in and out since ten years back. You on the other hand—never seen you around here before.”

There’s no need to look at Kisumi to know the relief that just washed over him. Haruka knows it, kind of, because he’s met people from his past who didn’t recognise him, and to them, it’s probably one of the best things you can hear.

“Lived, what, here? This place is abandoned.”

The man raises an eyebrow. “For the most part, sure. Most people left a while ago, but a few of us stayed. Lady who lived there stopped appearing around town about a year after her son left, and like I said—she didn’t move out.”

Kisumi takes a step forward, places a hand on the railing. “Why should I believe you? I don’t know you, you might just have stumbled upon me and my friend here, deciding to have some fun and fuck around. Anyone could come up with what you just said.”

“Fine,” the man says with a sigh. “Takizawa Inori and her son Kei lived there. She had a husband who ended up in jail when Kei was still a kid. Used to talk to them both every now and then, we’d trade favours and such.”

“You’re Maeda,” Kisumi mumbles, and Haruka turns to look at him wide-eyed before turning his attention back to the man down the stairs. Things really do happen the way you’re least expecting them to.

“Can’t hear you all the way down here if you’re gonna mutter to no one’s ears but your own.”

Before Haruka has time to react, Kisumi starts heading for the stairs. Haruka quickly follows him, and they make their way towards the stranger named Maeda who apparently knew Kisumi, or Kei, and Inori once. Despite proof that this man actually knew them, Haruka still doesn’t fully trust him. Years have passed, and people can change drastically in the time it’s been since Kei last met this man.

“You’re Maeda,” Kisumi repeats, a bit louder despite the closed distance. “You were the only guy I trusted near Mum after Take ended up in prison.”

The man’s expression changes to one of surprise. “So you’re _Kei_? Shit… I had no clue, you look so different. What happened to you, kid”

Kisumi shakes his head. “I grew up and things happened, but it doesn’t matter. You sure about her, Maeda?”

“I am. Sorry.”

“Did you hear us come?”

“Yeah,” Maeda replies. “Visitors are rare around these parts. Of course I had to go check; for all I know, you could’ve been a couple of vandals trying to destroy what little’s left of this place.”

A bittersweet reunion, most definitely. Haruka feels a little out of place, but he’s not going to move. He’s come to Miyazaki with Kisumi as support, and he won’t leave for home until Kisumi does. They came to find out what happened to Kisumi’s mother, and now they’ve gotten the answer to that question from someone who knew her once.

No matter how many times they’ve both thought that this was a possible outcome, there was no way to prepare for it actually coming true, not even for Haruka who’s never even met Inori. It still feels personal to him since he and Kisumi have been so close for a few years now.

“Any word of Take?”

Maeda shakes his head. “Still locked up as far as I know. I would’ve known if he came back since he’d probably be banging on her door nonstop if they let him outta there.”

Kisumi snorts. “Then at least _something’s_ working in this society.”

“Sorry you had to come back to… well, this,” Maeda says. “She was a lovely woman. My condolences.”

The more Kisumi and Maeda talk, the more Haruka thinks that maybe Maeda’s a good guy, after all. He knows not everyone in this world is suspicious and unworthy of trust, but he’s learnt over the years to let people earn his trust and let them prove to him that they don’t have ulterior motives.

“You know how she died, don’t you?”

The direct question seems to catch Maeda off-guard, as he blinks in surprise and raises his eyebrows briefly, before frowning. “Kei…”

“I’m twenty-seven, Maeda. Don’t you dare fucking treat me like a kid. She was my mother—I deserve to know what happened to her.”

It’s not a surprise that Kisumi is as emotionally strong as he is, considering his background. Haruka’s had a fair share of bad things happen in his life, too, but he knows he wouldn’t be so quick to want to know, like Kisumi, about his mother’s death. He thinks he knows, why, though, and it makes sense that Kisumi might want this information so that he can move on from it easier as he gets some sort of closure.

“She… wasn’t happy,” Maeda begins, Haruka doesn’t have to look to the side to know Kisumi is rolling his eyes. This is common knowledge; Maeda doesn’t want to cut corners, but instead apparently take detours. “Inori overdosed. On what, I don’t know. That’s the official statement we got, at least, those few of us who were somewhat close to her.”

“Does he know?”

Maeda snorts. “He didn’t get the information from any of us around here, so _if_ he knows, he found out in some other way. But no, I don’t think so.”

“Not that he deserves it, anyway. Hey… thanks. And sorry for the initial suspicion,” Kisumi says. He doesn’t intend to stay much longer, and Haruka would really appreciate to get away from this place.

Maeda shrugs. “No, it’s fine. You sure you’ll be okay? Can’t imagine this was fun to come back home to.”

“I didn’t come back home,” Kisumi corrects him. “Home is elsewhere. Honestly, I knew it was a possibility; we didn’t exactly have a happy life, especially Mum. I’m just glad he’s still locked up, and in a way glad she doesn’t have to suffer anymore.”

“Yeah… if you put it that way, it makes it easier to deal with. Take care of yourself, Kei.”

Kisumi nods, and takes a step forward to shake Maeda’s hand. “You too.”

Haruka finally makes a move, and goes to shake Maeda’s hand, too. “I’m Haru, Kei’s friend. Despite the circumstances, it’s nice to meet you.”

“Likewise, Haru.”

 

* * *

 

They leave Miyazaki the next morning. As they have an hour layover in Tokyo, Haruka and Kisumi get something to eat, and then head back to the gate to wait for their flight back to Tottori. It’s still quiet between them as it was when they headed to Miyazaki two days ago, but it’s a different kind of quiet. Haruka doesn’t want to break the silence, though; he lets Kisumi mourn to himself while Haruka thinks about how to deal with Sousuke when he gets back home. All he knows beforehand is that it won’t be fun, and that he’s run out of escape-cards. If he is to take this conversation, he can’t back out of it. In a way, he still has a choice—leave things as they were before he ran off to Miyazaki, or fix it to make sure it won’t end there.

Haruka doesn’t _want_ it to end. He’d hoped Sousuke would’ve never found out, but if Haruka had been smarter and hid his IDs somewhere no one would think to look, or ‘clean’, then they wouldn’t be in this situation. In a way, maybe it’s better that he puts all of his cards on the table so that they’ll no longer have anything hidden from each other. He doesn’t mind hiding his true identity and reason for being in Iwatobi from Rin, Makoto, and Gou—but Sousuke is… different. Thinking of continuing to hide things from Sousuke even now makes Haruka want to quit this stupid game.

Love definitely softened him, that’s for sure. If Sousuke hadn’t been in the picture, Haruka wouldn’t have minded. He would’ve continued to happily hide his past from everyone to the point of one day maybe forgetting about it himself. Maybe it was once possible for him to actually _become_ Haruka, to look like a living question mark if someone asks him who Taichi is, or what his connection to Sendai is. Maybe it was possible, but since it no longer is, Haruka has to adapt to what it’s become instead.

“Well… good luck.”

Haruka gives an ironic smile. “Thanks, I’ll need that.”

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I don’t think he’ll turn on you. Or, you know… turn you in. Sousuke loves you, Haru.”

“Enough to put his duties aside?”

This time, Kisumi hesitates, and Haruka laughs softly, shaking his head. “I’ll keep in touch.”

They go their separate ways, and when Haruka starts ascending the hill to his house, he finally turns his phone back on that he turned off before boarding the plane to Miyazaki days ago. His phone immediately starts vibrating with missed calls and messages, not only from Sousuke, but from Rin and Makoto, as well. He’s not too worried about dealing with Makoto, because he’ll believe anything Haruka tells him if Haruka says it convincingly enough. Rin on the other hand has most definitely gotten wind from Sousuke, and he’ll be a tougher nut to crack.

Tougher than all will be Sousuke, and he’s the first one Haruka meets when coming back. He walks slowly up the steps on purpose, trying to put together possible scenarios in his head before diving head-first into the unknown. All in all, there are really two possible outcomes: either things go well, or they don’t. Either Haruka stays in Iwatobi, or he doesn’t. Either Haruka stays Haruka, or he becomes someone else again. It’s all up to what Sousuke decides he’ll do with the information he’s found on Haruka’s past.

When he can’t run away anymore and is standing decimetres away from the door, Haruka steels himself by taking a deep breath, and then he unlocks the door. It almost feels like walking into a different dimension when Haruka steps over the threshold, because the air is different in there than it is outside, than what he’s experienced even being in Miyazaki. Some of the lights in the house are on, though, so that at least means Sousuke’s in the house.

A soft creak in the tatami mat makes Haruka’s ears perk up and his head turn to face the source. He’s not surprised to see what he sees, but it doesn’t stop his heart from reacting like it is.

“I missed you,” Sousuke says, and Haruka exhales slowly, trying to ignore the slight sting in his chest at the impact those words have on him after such a short time of being away from Sousuke. “Haru, I’m sorry for—”

“We need to talk.”


	21. closed but not locked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruka and Sousuke talk about everything that started to be revealed just before Haruka left for Miyazaki. Later, Haruka finally finds the words to say, and not write down on a piece of paper.

The interruption visibly takes Sousuke aback. Haruka walks inside proper, puts his bag down on the floor by the stairs, all the while knowing Sousuke’s just standing there, watching him. It’s all very odd, like they’ve almost become strangers in a matter of days. Sousuke obviously doesn’t know what to do, probably thinking that anything he does has the possibility of making Haruka run away again, and maybe that time, Haruka won’t come back. Haruka won’t run away from this confrontation, but he might end up escaping Iwatobi again for good if things don’t go the way they should.

Haruka doesn’t want to leave Iwatobi. He’s made a home here, made friends, made himself a _life_ in Iwatobi. It’s more than he ever had in Sendai, and he still has a blood relative there—his mother. They can still maintain contact even if Haruka lives in Iwatobi, so he hasn’t completely lost Sendai, and he never will. Shizu still lives there, too, and is another reason for Haruka to go back and visit. But Sendai won’t be his home again. Iwatobi is, and Haruka wants it to stay that way. He hasn’t worked this hard to get here only to throw it away, and start anew someplace else.

Haruka heads into the living room, and he’s relieved to know Sousuke at least got the hint to follow. Still completely silent, they both sit down on separate ends of the couch. Haruka almost wants to laugh at the ridiculousness of their current situation. Things were even less awkward during his first meeting with Sousuke, because all Sousuke did back then was glare and look hostile. To be fair, if he did that now, Haruka would take that as a sign to not put his bag down, turn around in the doorway, and to run as fast as he possibly can. So maybe this is better, after all, because Sousuke almost looks… scared.

“Why do _you_ look scared?” Haruka has to ask, and Sousuke looks up quickly at the sudden sound of a voice that pierced the silence in the house.

“I didn’t think you’d come back. Sure, you’re here now, but… you might leave again.”

Sousuke knows him too well. “I might,” Haruka says. “But that depends on you.”

“Me?”

“You’re the cop here. You’re the one who found out my secret, something I did which was so incredibly legal.”

Sousuke lowers his eyebrows, but he doesn’t look away from Haruka. “I know you had a reason for it, but… I just wish you hadn’t done something like this.”

If he’s come this far, if it’s gotten to this point, Haruka might as well tell the whole truth. Loose threads might actually harm him now, so he wants to make sure there are none now that his cover is blown.

“Sousuke… I had to. I was pronounced dead by the authorities. Do you remember the big earthquake that hit Sendai in 2011?”

“… Yeah, now that you mention it. Shit… that’s why you had those things in the envelope. But… _how_?”

Haruka shrugs. He still remembers the exhilarating feeling, the chills, he felt when he realised he’d been set free as Taichi was pronounced dead in the earthquake, when in reality, Taichi was very much alive. Despite that, it’s a very small percentage of happiness that resulted from a big mess of anxiety, stress, pain, and nightmares that spanned several years.

“They found those documents you found in my ex-boyfriend’s car. I crashed with it when the earthquake struck, and when I came to after passing out, I just ran away from the car without thinking about my wallet. I don’t know how, but it sure as hell saved me.”

Sousuke exhales a long sigh, leaning forward to put his hands on his knees. “I know he put you through a lot, and maybe this sounds wrong, but… I guess you at least got a little lucky in the end. But how’d it come to forging identification forms? Why?”

“You can’t tell me that living on as a man who’s _dead_ would be a better idea,” Haruka replies with a sarcastic drawl. “Not to mention if my ex was still out there looking for me. I ran away in his car for a reason; if he’d found me, I’d definitely been dead then, if not because of the earthquake, then by his hands for sure. Most of the time they were just threats, but I’m sure he’d love to make his words into reality if he’d been given the chance. When he wouldn’t need me anymore, he’d get rid of me.”

It’s still scary being this open and honest with Sousuke about everything he’s kept a secret from practically everyone since he left Sendai. Sousuke was the last person Haruka intended on telling, but here they are, talking about it before even Gou knows, or even Makoto. Haruka should’ve known it was impossible to keep from Sousuke forever, if he wants their relationship to be stable and built on trust. Trust can’t be built on lies and secrets; secrets and lies can’t be hidden forever since something is bound to unearth them, someday.

Kisumi was the one who originally told him that he had to keep this a secret from everyone no matter what, to maintain his safety and to make sure he’d be able to build himself a new life without risks. Now, though, Kisumi almost encourages Haruka to be open with Sousuke, to tell him things so that their relationship can be mended and continue to develop. Maybe Haruka isn’t the only one who’s been softened by Iwatobi, after all.

“I used my perception skill to scam people into thinking I was a psychic. At times, it was very lucrative, and I managed to trick people into paying me for shit I basically just made up out of thin air and basic information obtained from other people on the streets. I told people _lies_ so that they could feel better, pay me a pretty penny, and get on with their lives. And for that I got barely an ounce in my pocket, and an asskicking that would leave me sore for days after, sometimes longer.”

Now that Haruka’s admitted he’s good at lying and tricking people, will Sousuke actually believe in his story? Haruka doesn’t know. It’s a double-sided sword, really, and it’ll hurt him no matter which end points away from him, because the other still points _at_ him. Taichi’s past is practically made to be disbelieved, because it’s all full of lies even if Haruka now tells the truth of what happened.

“I still can’t believe there are men like that out there. That there are _people_ who can be this downright fucking evil.”

Haruka hides his relief behind a humourless, short laughter. Maybe some parts are more important to Sousuke than others, after all. “You may be a cop, but you’re still too innocent for this truth. A truth that exists not that far away from your own world.”

“We’re not from different _worlds_ , Haruka.”

“Maybe not, but we sure as fuck lived completely different lives, Sousuke! I’m saying you can’t understand it if you haven’t lived it. You, of all people. A man of the law, a man so… so kind-hearted, good, _alive_.”

His voice quivers on the last few words, but Haruka really wants to get those words out of his system. No, they’re not from different worlds, but they’re definitely from completely different parts of the country. And not just geographically. People who have lived on the bright side will need a lot of time to adjust to the darkness, and vice versa. Those with backgrounds like Haruka’s don’t just hide their stories from people for safety, they do it because they know people won’t ever believe what they’ve been through. And even if they do, they won’t understand.

Maybe they’re not from different worlds, but it’s a pretty damn close comparison.

“You’re alive too, Haruka,” Sousuke says, and he dares reaching forward to take Haruka’s hand in his, maybe for emphasis, maybe to finally close their emotional gap. “I just wish there’d been a way for me to help you back then. That maybe you could’ve gone to the police and found someone who could’ve helped you _legally_.”

Haruka scoffs, rolling his eyes. “Yeah, that was the last thing on my mind when I’d just found out I was officially dead, you know. You don’t get it, Sousuke. You don’t understand the life I lived, the shit I went through before I was given a second chance at life. I don’t regret doing what I did in order to get here, because it sure as hell beats living in Sendai with an abusive so-called boyfriend who also forced me to work for him.”

Kisumi doesn’t need to be outed, and so Haruka keeps even that detail to himself. Sousuke already knows Haruka bought new documents for himself, why would it benefit him knowing who sold them to Haruka? It was a long time ago, and as far as Sousuke knows, that person could be long gone, or even dead, by now. Even though Kisumi is living in the very same town, his past being protected by Haruka from a member of the law. It’s the least Haruka can do for Kisumi who’s done so much for him over these past couple of years.

“You’re right, and I’m sorry,” Sousuke says. “I can’t even imagine.”

“No, you can’t.” Haruka laughs bitterly, shaking his head. “I can’t believe you of all people would think I’d do all that without a good reason. I… thought I knew you.”

Sousuke opens his mouth to say something, but apparently thinks better of it. He instead moves closer to Haruka, making the distance between them smaller. Haruka hopes it’s for a  good reason; he sits there and just lets it happen, just watches.

“I _want_ to know you, Haruka. The real you. And I want you to know me, too. Know that I would never, ever do anything that would cause you harm.”

“Not even if it meant you were to follow the law, and if you instead chose to protect me, that it’d _break_ the law?”

“Fuck that,” Sousuke says, spitting out the words like they’re poison to his mouth. “You had good reason. And I’m not saying that to get on your good side again, I’d do it even if I knew this was the end for us. Because I care about you, I know you’re a good man with good intentions, even if your biological name isn’t Haruka. So you may have been born as Taichi, you may have done illegal things in your past, but it wasn’t of your own free will.”

Maybe Sousuke doesn’t understand, maybe he never will, but Haruka knows now that Sousuke _wants_ to understand. It can’t be easy, and Haruka really shouldn’t blame him for trying so hard. Deep down, Haruka knows Sousuke loves him. He knows, and it’s a really tough realisation he’s kept at bay for a while, because love is such a scary concept. Does he deserve love? If he does, does he then deserve love from a man Haruka’s deceived from the first time they met almost two years ago?

“Why do you have to make it so difficult?”

“What?”

Haruka clenches his teeth behind closed lips, tightens his jaw. His eyebrows quiver, his eyes cast down at his hands curled into fists in his lap. It takes a few seconds of watching his hands with a blurred vision, and then he feels tears drip down on his hands, and his vision clears slightly as he blinks. He closes his eyes instead, choosing darkness as he tries to clear the storm of thoughts in his head, but too soon does he realise it’s to no avail.

“I wish you would’ve reacted the way I was expecting you to,” Haruka whispers. “That would’ve made this easier.”

“I thought you didn’t want me to act like police.”

Haruka huffs in frustration. “I don’t know what I want. I want you, but how could you want me? How—how could you love someone like me? You’re in love with a fabricated version of me.”

“It used to be fabricated,” Sousuke corrects him. “But I believe this is who you are, Haruka. You were born as one person, but that doesn’t mean you stay the same way your entire life. Shit changes people, both the good and the bad kind of shit. And I think that’s why you’re here now. Why you didn’t just skip out on this thing, why you decided to come back home. You may have invented ‘Haru’ at some point, but… you _became_ Haruka. I know it sounds dumb, but that’s what I think.”

He invented ‘Haru’ but became Haruka. It’s a little tough to admit, but Haruka likes the sound of that, the implication of the journey he’s made. It’s a journey which Sousuke’s now mostly been made aware of, but will never know the entirety of, and Haruka is okay with it staying that way. He doesn’t want Sousuke to know the full details of all the things Taichi went through, because… Taichi belongs to a past that Haruka feels should be left where it is.

“I won’t pretend like I knew you when you weren’t Haruka,” Sousuke continues. “I wanted to know where you came from, and I know I didn’t have the right to barge in on your past like that, but it wasn’t my intention. Now I do know, and there’s no changing that. The question is what _you_ want to do, now that I know. I know, and I’ve promised you I won’t betray you for it.”

Since the very moment Haruka realised he had feelings for Sousuke, he’s known that going down this path was dumb, dangerous, and involved risks that could ruin more than just his life in Iwatobi. It might not even have affected him only—Kisumi and Aki could’ve easily been roped into it if Sousuke had the opportunity to dig that deep into Taichi’s past. Since he’s a police officer, he has the power to do so. It wouldn’t even be abuse of power, because he has all the reason to look into something that’s been so clearly illegal from the start. It doesn’t matter how nicely Kisumi had gotten the documents made, or how Taichi actually never faked his death, or how they never had bad intentions in coming to Iwatobi—all because it started from the wrong place.

“Are you just gonna let it slide, then?” Haruka asks, breathing shakily through his nose and still not looking up from his and Sousuke’s joined hands. “What if it comes back to bite you in the ass?”

“How? If I’m the only one who knows about this, how would anyone else find out and do something about it?”

Haruka raises his eyebrows slightly. “So you never told Rin?”

It takes Sousuke an extra second to respond, which Haruka knows means he’s at least thought of doing so. “I haven’t told him. I wanted to talk to you first, more than anything. And if, only _if_ it came down to it, I would’ve told him, and only Rin. But now I’ve no reason to.”

“… I’m trying to find any sort of argument, and you’re making me run out of options.”

“Why are you fighting it so hard?” Sousuke asks, and it makes Haruka finally look up to glare straight at Sousuke in the frustration that keeps simmering beneath the surface.

“Because it’s who I am! I don’t know who I am if I don’t keep running, if I don’t keep looking over my shoulder, if I keep people close to me who could potentially crush me in the end. I finally managed to feel safe here, and then I screwed up by literally leading you to my past which I shouldn’t have revealed to _anyone_ in Iwatobi. Especially you.”

Sousuke runs his thumb along the backside of Haruka’s hand, which at first makes him flinch, but Haruka doesn’t move his hands away despite the unexpected action.

“I know you’ve been hurt badly in the past; you’ve been lied to probably more times than I can count. But I want you to give me a chance to show that I won’t do any of those things to you. It’s probably scary, but… please, Haruka. I want you to feel safe enough to the point where you won’t even think of running, or think of how there’s a risk that either I or someone else will betray you.”

It’s a lot easier said than done, but it’s really up to Haruka whether or not he wants to let Sousuke try and prove it to him. Trust really doesn’t come easy, and once it’s there, it’s so easily lost again. And _then_ who knows just how easy it’ll be to build it back up again? It’s like breaking a glass case—once it’s shattered, it’s impossible to retrieve and glue all the pieces back together again, because something will always be missing, and it’ll show.

But maybe there’s a certain beauty to that, as well, strangely enough, because it could show just what the vase has been through to get to that point of permanent imperfection.

“Okay,” Haruka says. He doesn’t think anyone’s ever told Sousuke this, but he’s really good at winning arguments, slowly and surely. Considering Sousuke’s intimidating height and build, not to mention general appearance to a stranger’s eye, it could be assumed Sousuke likes to win arguments with threats and violence. But none of those were ever present during this conversation, and it goes further to show just what kind of person Sousuke is, even during the worse moments.

“Okay?”

On purpose, Haruka had kept his response ambiguous, so that he could buy himself a little extra time to try and figure out just how to say his next words. He doesn’t want to sound like he’s letting Sousuke coerce him, and he doesn’t want his decision to sound like it took two seconds to make. He’s had a few days to think it over while being in Miyazaki, but in reality he’s had even longer than that—he’s been thinking on and off for _weeks_ about giving Sousuke the benefit of the doubt. And hell, what’s life without taking a risk every now and then?

“I want to give you that chance.”

Sousuke looks as surprised as Haruka wants him to look at that reply, but it feels like a very small victory in the grand scheme of things. “Oh. I… was hoping you’d say that, but I was afraid you wouldn’t. That you’d disappear again.”

“Not like I don’t have a reason to.”

“I guess you’re right.” Sousuke sighs, but he smiles, still. “How’d we end up here, you and I? On opposite sides of the law, one willingly and the other unwillingly. And we _live_ together.”

“I hope it wasn’t idiocy that led me here,” Haruka says, but Sousuke stops him right at the last syllable.

“I won’t betray you. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. And you know what? Even if I wanted to do something about it, it’d take a _lot_ of shit to dig into something in another jurisdiction.”

Of course. Haruka really should’ve seen this sooner; police _can’t_ do as they please, since other departments of other prefectures have to cooperate as well. And no matter how Sousuke words it, his reasons for wanting to dig into a case belonging to Sendai, especially Taichi’s most definitely very unique case, are far too ambiguous and insufficient.

Haruka can’t help but smile a little at that realisation. “You’re not all that powerful after all, huh.”

“No. So like I said… you can trust me, Haruka. I don’t care that I’m essentially helping someone who’s broken the law, but you did it for good reasons. Your safety means more than my fucking job, and some of the stupid laws we have.”

Two years ago, both Kisumi and Haruka would’ve been strongly against this, yelling at present Haruka to get out, leave Iwatobi, and never look back. Now, they’re both still on the same side, yet on the very opposite of the one they used to be. Is it really this easy? Can they trust that Sousuke hasn’t told Rin anything, and that Rin won’t ever find out? Because even if Sousuke won’t do anything, Rin still might. Haruka doesn’t know him anywhere near as well as he does Sousuke, and it doesn’t matter how good he is at reading people, predicting people’s actions is a completely different story.

After all, Taichi was never a _real_ psychic, he just tricked people into thinking he was. And they paid him for it.

Haruka sighs. It’s not quite a sigh signalling defeat, but the feeling is somewhat similar. He’s tired of being like a deer in headlights at the very first inkling of danger, always hiding things and lying to keep his fabricated story straight. Sure, he still has to do it to some extent, but at least not to Sousuke. By pure accident, Sousuke now knows, and the same accident freed Haruka from having to lie to someone so close to him any longer.

“Then I’m glad,” Haruka replies, and Sousuke seems to perk up ever so slightly at those words.

“… Does that mean you’ll come back home?”

Haruka laughs. “Yes. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have the intention of setting things straight. I didn’t exactly run away from home, I just used it as an excuse.”

“Okay. Welcome back home, then, Haruka.”

Sousuke doesn’t physically move to close their distance any further than he already has, but the way his thumbs gently run along the backside of Haruka’s hands tell Haruka that he’s attempting to close the distance in a different way, and Haruka welcomes it.

“I’m home, Sousuke.”

 

* * *

 

 **JANUARY 2014**.

 

He’s tired of travelling for this reason. It’s hopefully the last time he does, though, and from then on, Haruka returns to Sendai for his family and his friends. Now, his reason for returning is to finish another chapter of his life, so that another one can begin. He feels safe wandering the streets of Sendai, not only because his company is a police officer, but because he’s tied up so many loose ends that he doesn’t have any reason to feel uneasy or guilty about being back where he was born and grew up.

This time, Sendai is covered in snow. They don’t get a lot of it in Iwatobi, thankfully, but being close to the ocean does bring in cold winds that remind Haruka of what season it’s supposed to be. Sendai gets snow every year thanks to being located so far north, and Haruka really doesn’t miss it.

Haruka really wants to see Shizuka, but knows he can’t, not this time around. Instead, they’ve sent a few text messages back and forth while Haruka’s in Sendai, and that’ll have to do for now. They’ll talk on the phone soon enough, and Haruka will definitely be back sooner rather than later to visit his friends. Even if could’ve easily ended up belonging to his past, Haruka’s glad they’ve survived long enough to be here in his present life as well.

Neither Haruka nor Sousuke say much on the way to the graveyard; all that’s really heard is the low mumble from people around them, and the sound of snow crunching beneath their shoes. The graveyard seems to be well-visited during this time of year, too; many people tend to go and wish their deceased loved ones happy holidays or a happy new year even if they aren’t around anymore. Haruka won’t exactly do either of those things, but he probably looks like it to the public eye.

Taichi’s headstone is located in the fifth section, and it has the number 153 branded on top. It’s strange to see that the grave is tended to, but Haruka knows why, yet he doesn’t. When Sumire had told him she semi-regularly visits Taichi’s grave, Haruka had asked her why, and she told him that why Haruka is her son, Taichi used to be her son, too. They’re biologically the same person, but they’re completely different in nearly every other way imaginable.

Haruka may not understand it, but he lets Sumire do things the way she wants to. If she wants to hang onto a part of the past, that’s all up to her. Haruka kind of does the same thing, but in his own way, and that might even be something not everyone would agree with, either.

“Must’ve been strange to see this the first time, huh?”

Haruka nods. “Felt like an out-of-body-experience. Like I was standing by someone else’s grave, not my own.”

“Well, technically, it isn’t yours.”

“I guess you’re right. Still, it has my biological name etched into it.”

“But people don’t know that, and they don’t have to know, either,” Sousuke says. “Are you sure you wanna visit his grave, too?”

It feels like it should be an obvious answer; maybe it is, and Sousuke’s just asking to make sure Haruka won’t regret his decision. But he hasn’t flown all the way to Sendai to only visit Taichi’s grave and go back home. No, this is all part of closing this one chapter of his life, and if he doesn’t do it properly, he’ll still have things lingering that he should’ve done but never did.

“Yeah,” Haruka responds firmly. “I need to. It’ll be the last time I’ll see it, too, so I’ve gotta make it count. Spit on the ground which he rests beneath, or something.”

In the corner of his eye, Haruka sees Sousuke frown, looking conflicted. It comes as a surprise; Haruka really doesn’t see the reason to feel conflicted over the death of a man who was downright bad with zero redeeming qualities that weren’t fabricated. But Sousuke is an outsider who never got to see Ryuuhei’s true nature, like others in Sendai did. Shizuka saw it, and she’s one of the happiest people that Ryuuhei isn’t alive anymore. Taichi—and in a way, Haruka— _lived_ it, and he probably has more reason than anyone to see that Ryuuhei has a grave and that it’s confirmed he’s dead. Unlike Taichi, the grave isn’t empty. Ryuuhei’s corpse had been found, and his remains now rest beneath a tombstone engraved with his name and, really, not much else.

It’s probably an unwritten rule that you can’t write negative things on someone’s headstone, so it really is no wonder Ryuuhei’s stone only has his name on it.

Haruka tries not to make a big deal out of the fact that he can sort of handle being in cars now, thanks to Kisumi. After getting out of a taxi on the way to the graveyard where Ryuuhei’s grave is, Haruka tells Sousuke about how he’s been avoiding getting into cars ever since the earthquake, and how he’s only just recently started getting over his fear. It’s nice to hear from Sousuke that it hasn’t been noticed by probably anyone that Haruka’s been avoiding cars all this time, because that means Haruka’s had a good enough poker face to not let it show the few times he’s been in car-related situations.

Ryuuhei’s grave is close to the entrance, and unlike Taichi’s, no one’s been here since Haruka last was with Aki, over half a year prior to this day. Since no one seems to tend to the grave, the city will get rid of it within just a few years as it’ll be too expensive for them to care for it. Normally, relatives or friends of the deceased go there every so often to make sure it looks nice, but since Ryuuhei had cut his family out of his life and everyone else close to him either died in the earthquake or thought better of it, there’s no one around to do this for him now that he isn’t around anymore.

And it’s such a great thing to know, Haruka thinks.

Haruka looks down at the tombstone with his eyebrows slightly raised in contempt, and he finally thinks of something he can say, and not just write down on a piece of paper that’ll eventually get buried as well.

“I can’t think of a more fitting end for you,” he begins. “Buried alone under a tombstone that says nothing about you but your name. That kind of labour isn’t worth wasting on you, and neither was mine.”

By his side, Sousuke takes Haruka’s hand. He doesn’t say anything; he just looks down at the tombstone engraved with Higuchi Ryuuhei’s name, seemingly listening to Haruka talking to a dead man. It’s probably difficult to know just what to say when you’ve never seen nor met the person who lie dead under ground just in front of you, even if that person has caused a lot of harm to someone you hold dear.

“While I’m glad you’re dead, I also wish there was a way to keep you alive only to torture you, to let you see what would eventually become of the man you tried to crush and bend to your will. You may have succeeded somewhat, but a part of me always remained free. That part is the one that survived the earthquake and moved far, far away from Sendai.”

Haruka exhales a warm cloud of air, closing his eyes briefly. He then lightly tugs on Sousuke’s hand to signal that it’s time to go, that they don’t have anything else to do here.

“Wanna go to Mum’s for a bit to borrow some heat from their house?”

Sousuke looks down at Haruka, and he laughs. “Yeah, that sounds nice.”


	22. small steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruka continues to work on bettering himself, and awaits spring.

It’s cold and a little windy, and there’s no one else around, but Haruka is glad he’s alone. He sits on the rocks, looking out over the ocean stretching out far and wide in front of him. The waves come crashing into shore, and then they disappear into nothing, only to repeat shortly after. The scenery is calming, and so is the sound of the waves appearing and dissipating. Haruka doesn’t really have a particular reason for being here other than the fact that he feels like he hasn’t had a moment to himself in quite some time.

A lot has happened this year. Haruka went from working with pastries and coffee, to cakes and cupcakes. He still helps out at the coffee shop with his original tasks, but as he’s now shifted more towards his own thing, there’s not that much time left for anything else in the day. But he likes the direction things are going in, and has hopes that it’ll get better. How, he has no idea, but that’s perhaps one of the more exciting things about it.

He’s also gone from being terrified of cars to being… less terrified of being in an automobile. Small steps, he keeps telling himself. Maybe one day he’ll drive again, but for now, and probably a while from now as well, he’s perfectly fine with letting others do the driving for him. It’s taken two years, but Haruka has just recently learnt that Rin is a really good driver, and that he very rarely gets annoyed with traffic. Sousuke, on the other hand, may be a good driver as well, but his patience with people in other cars is not as good as Rin’s is.

“Are you _that_ desperate to prove a point? It’s cold out, you goddamn madman.”

Haruka barely reacts to the familiar voice behind him. He instead snorts. “What’s that for? _Madman_ , even?”

“Sitting on the beach all alone is what I mean by that.”

“Ha. I’m not surprised you knew where to find me.”

Kisumi comes to sit down next to Haruka. “Does Sousuke know you’re here?”

“I, uh, left a note on the fridge,” Haruka says, though it sounds more like he’s asking Kisumi rather than answering a question. “Small steps.”

Kisumi looks at him, looking like he wants to say something, but then he visibly changes his mind, and sighs. “… Small steps.”

Despite the cold, it’s nice to just sit there and think about everything and nothing. Haruka and Kisumi barely need words to communicate, they already know most everything that’s going on in each other’s lives. Haruka knows there’s something other than their fortunate _and_ unfortunate meeting in Sendai that created their strong bond. They’re both very similar, yet different. It’s nice, because they haven’t let their differences separate them in these years they’ve been together, and even though sometimes Haruka may wonder how they can work so well together when at times they’re like strangers… it just seems to work. Somehow.

Not long after Haruka announced his departure from the café, Aki did the same. She’s been there for longer than Haruka has, so it’s probably about time for her to do something else as well. It’s going to feel strange not working alongside Aki anymore, but that of course doesn’t mean they won’t still hang out often. They’re still going back to Sendai every now and then to visit their old friends, not to mention Haruka’s family, and maybe Aki will bring Gou.

Haruka, however, won’t introduce Sousuke to Shizuka and the others for the foreseeable future. It’s not just because it might be a risk for his friends, but Haruka wants to maintain their privacy regardless of laws and regulations. He also wants to keep _some_ parts to himself and away from Sousuke pertaining to his past—it’s not that important to reveal, anyway. Sousuke knows the gist of things, even more than that, and that’s more than enough.

Everything happened so fast, and for once, it’s been a good thing. In just the last year, Haruka went from having cake decorating as an interest, to now resigning from the café to work with it full-time. He wanted to wait until it became lucrative enough for him to turn it into a business, and it surprisingly enough didn’t take that long. Haruka’s used to people saying that you have to work hard and for a long time for that effort to bear fruit. And that’s not to say Haruka hasn’t put a whole lot of effort into this, because he has, but it certainly paid off way sooner than he would’ve ever dreamt of.

At first, the success from branching out from just pastries made him almost feel like how working as a fake psychic did when Haruka was still Taichi. It felt good at first; good because people kept coming back for his services that weren’t even produced from actual talent. But then it hit him, and after that he just felt dirty every time someone came to him to find a light at the end of the long, dark tunnel. Are his soon-to-be-regulars only coming back because he’s good at _faking_?

… though, to be fair—not to mention realistic—it’s probably pretty difficult to pretend you’re good at baking. Customers should have it easier to fake their appreciation for his creations. Honestly, even if they _are_ faking it, it doesn’t matter, because Haruka still gets to do what he’s grown to love, and he even gets paid to do it.

“Hey, Kis.”

“Yeah?”

Haruka turns his head to the side to face Kisumi. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Kisumi laughs. “That was sudden.”

“For still being here. You didn’t have to, not if you’d let me pay back what I owed you. You could’ve easily stayed in Fukuoka, you could’ve refused to let me come with you to Miyazaki. There’ve been many opportunities for you to shake me off, but you didn’t. That’s why I’m saying thanks.”

Kisumi’s smile fades a little, but doesn’t entirely disappear. He looks out over the endless sea stretching out in front of them, relaxing his shoulders as he exhales. “I guess we owe each other thanks, then. I owe it to you for giving me this chance. I’m not still sticking with you because you owe me anything. You don’t owe me shit. Even though it’s been difficult at times, this is still the best decision I’ve ever made, and it was only made possible because you let me come with you.”

“Not like I had much of a choice,” Haruka jokes, and Kisumi snorts.

“Wow, thanks.”

It _is_ cold, as Kisumi pointed out earlier, but Haruka doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction of being right. It can’t be that bad, he’s at least got decent clothes on. Kisumi will have the right to call Haruka a madman if he catches a cold after this. _If_ he does. In all honesty, Haruka doesn’t remember the last time he even had a cold—maybe life in Sendai acclimatised him enough to withstand such things. In comparison to Sendai in winter, Iwatobi is like a constant summer breeze. Well, maybe not exactly; Haruka still thinks it’s cold in Iwatobi, but at least it’s better now than what he grew up with.

They don’t stick around the beach for too long. It _is_ cold, after all, and it’s only nice to sit and look out over the ocean until you start to lose feeling in your fingers and toes. So Haruka and Kisumi instead start to walk away from the beach towards downtown Iwatobi, and share dinner together before they go their separate ways. Haruka still really cherishes these moments he gets with Kisumi—if there’s something he’s learnt over these past few years, it’s that everything is fleeting and nothing lasts forever. You can’t ever take things or people for granted, so Haruka wants to make the best out of everything. Even if Kisumi says he’ll stay for now, there’s always tomorrow, and things, feelings and circumstances may have already changed by then.

“Don’t be a stranger,” Kisumi says just as they part. Haruka grins.

“At least _you’ll_ always know who I am.”

Kisumi returns the smile. “Ditto.”

When Haruka returns back home, he’s not afraid to walk inside even though he isn’t alone there. He’s relieved to know someone’s there waiting for him, _happy_ to see him come home. A person who doesn’t expect anything from him when he walks in through the door, someone who will actually let him leave should he want to. But Haruka’s done with all of that, he’s tired of running away. Really, he’s got no reason to run anymore, so he’d only be doing it for the drama factor at this point.

And everyone who knows Haruka would probably say he’s had more than enough drama in his life so far.

The scent that greets Haruka when he opens the door is so unexpected it makes Haruka stop for a second. He hasn’t paid any attention to what time it is, and only now realises it _is_ around dinnertime. He’d been sitting out on the beach for a while even before Kisumi joined him, and the two of them sat and talked at length before they finally decided it was about time to head back home and back to reality.

“Haruka, is that you?”

Haruka smiles to himself. “I’d hope so, if I were you.”

“Eh, I wouldn’t be too worried,” comes Sousuke’s voice closer this time, and soon enough, he comes out of the kitchen into the hallway. “You know, considering what I work with.”

“Mmm, I suppose.” Having gotten out of his coat and shoes, Haruka moves to greet Sousuke with a kiss whilst standing on his toes. “Smells good. What’re you making?”

“Beef and mushroom stew. It seemed perfect for the weather.”

Haruka’s mouth nearly waters at the thought of eating said stew. It really can’t come soon enough. “It sounds and smells great.”

“Hope it tastes great, too. Come in, it’s just about ready.”

 

* * *

 

The domesticity of his situation sometimes hits Haruka, still, and at times, it makes him want to get out. It’s too peaceful, too good, too perfect. Something’s amiss, maybe it’s a dream? He’s had this kind of peace for two years, why should his situation with Sousuke differ so greatly from what he had with Kisumi? It all happened under the same roof, even, what really is the difference?

He later realises that the difference comes in how he knows Sousuke and Kisumi, and how his relationship with them has developed. He and Kisumi had a chance at taking it in a direction similar to the relationship Haruka has with Sousuke now, but they also decided to be sensible and stop it before it went too far. Haruka and Sousuke, however, have had points where Haruka _has_ , in a way, tried to stop it several times, but it still ended up this way. That isn’t to say that he regrets it, but the now near-constant feeling of peace still feels like an ill-fitted shoe. Something just isn’t right.

Something isn’t right, but Haruka is determined to make it so, determined to walk in these shoes for as long as it takes before they feel comfortable. For the most part, it _is_ comfortable, and that’s the main thing Haruka has to get used to. Get used to the fact that the light at the end of his tunnel isn’t an oncoming train, it’s actually the exit.

“Are you sure about this?”

Haruka’s throat is completely parched though it shouldn’t be. He tries to swallow to make a verbal, coherent, response a possibility. “I’m sure. ‘Sides, you’re the one driving, not me.”

Sousuke still doesn’t look too convinced, but he turns the key in the ignition nevertheless. Haruka hears a hum and feels the car vibrate with the revving of the engine, and then Sousuke slowly begins to back out of their parking space. Haruka is ever so grateful he doesn’t still live in Sendai where they have snow, because Iwatobi completely lacks snow at this time of year, even if it does get cold. Driving in Sendai now would be completely out of the question, as would just sitting in a car. Really, Haruka could have had it worse. This is probably a good second step.

“So, just to Kisumi’s and back?”

Haruka nods stiffly. “Small steps.”

“All up to you.”

One day, Haruka hopes he’ll be able to drive again. There’s a kind of liberating feeling when you’re the one behind the wheel. Being in control like that can both be scary and also a freeing thought, because you’re in total control of the situation. You decide where you’re going, and no one else. You’re also the one responsible if there’s an accident, but Haruka tries not to think about those things. Thinking like that would mean him stubbornly clinging to the past of a man he barely remembers.

Sousuke drives, as they’d agreed, to Kisumi’s place. They hang out with Kisumi for a bit before Kisumi has to go to work, and then they head back home. It’s really nothing big, but that’s something Haruka doesn’t realise until they’re back home. Many things that are trivial to most people used to be more than that to Haruka. Some still are, but he’s a lot better off now than he was even a year ago.

It’s like Sousuke said, “all up to him”. It’s up to Haruka to decide just how bad things are now, how much thought he wants to put into things. Sendai is the past, Iwatobi is his present and future, if he wishes to make it so. Freedom can be scary, but when Haruka is given the _freedom_ to do as he wishes with his life, it really isn’t all that scary. It puts him back in control, gives him options. He and Kisumi chose Iwatobi, chose the house he now shares with Sousuke.

Haruka chose his own career path, and he’s now the happiest he’s ever been, because he works with something that doesn’t give him a bitter aftertaste or a crushing feeling of guilt. Doors are still opening up for him to give him _more_ paths to choose between, and the best thing about all of it is that he doesn’t have to decide on anything right this second. He’s in full control, and the feeling is a lot better than the fake feeling he had in his dream when he got to beat up the demon of his past.

Now, Haruka wants nothing but to make peace with everything, feel completely at ease in his relationship, and be able to live like a normal person again. To be fair, when did he _ever_ live like a normal person? Maybe this _is_ normal? Only he is capable of defining normalcy in his own life, and that might just be the entire point with it.

Continuing to work towards his own definition of normalcy, Haruka eagerly awaits spring, and even brighter days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, that's it. I'll be honest and say I procrastinated writing the end because I knew there wasn't much left (as evident by how short this chapter was) and because I knew that when it's over, it's over. Nothing more to add to it.
> 
> I do hope that, even if you've only read a few bits here and there or if you've actually read this entire thing, you enjoyed it. I really liked writing this story, and it's a little sad to see it go. But I'm also glad, because it opens up for the possibility of something else to be written. (I'm terrible at writing several things at once; I either end up with too many works-in-progress and abandon all of them, or it takes me ages to finish just one of the projects.)
> 
> Thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> [ [tumblr](http://radiodread.tumblr.com) | [twitter](http://twitter.com/idiotmatsu) ]


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